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Snooping Around Stoke’s Losers

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Snooping Around Stoke’s Losers

By Sammy The Snake

So Stoke travelled to “Theatre of A Sex Show”  to roll over and play dead! I watched the first 45 of the game, and did something I’ve rarely done in my football life: I switched off the telly and went to sleep. The wife was amazed! Sammy The Snake turning off the TV when a rival team may drop points?

I don’t know if I saw it on TV or dreamt it, but I distinctly remember Tony “The Bottom” Pulis holding a K-Y Jelly tube at the touchline, offering it to his players and advising them to open their butt cheeks wide open so it wouldn’t hurt.

Sharcross bent over so hard that he woke up with a throat-ache this morning! Lucky thing Rooney wasn’t on the pitch!!!

Tony Pulis must have been pretty ecstatic to get his ass slapped hard by SAF when his post match comments were “United too strong”. In other words: Oh, your Johnny is so big Alex, stop it! You’re hurting me… Just be gentle… Keep doing it, but show some love, I hate it when you ignore me… You can do what you want with me here, but just show some respect when we go out together (err… press conference).

And imagine Sir F replying: Just shut up and take it, b!tch! I know you like it rough… If you say one more word, I’ll know what to do with you… Just shut up and let Daddy do what he wants with you…

You all know where I’m going with this, so I’ll just stop right here. My job at Untold is to bring news of the farfetched football world, and Tony may cut my dental plan if I move out of my designated assignment.

I’ve wanted to write about a little team for so long, just to see what their fans are doing in the cyber world.  If the world of ManC, with all that money, is so quiet, how visible are fans from smaller teams? What better tiny team than Stoke?

Searching “Stoke Football Blog” on Google gets you very little:

Stoke City Blog is first on the list, and the latest article is dated September, 30th (thankfully, 010).

Second on the list, is no other blog! None. Nada. Zilch.

Taking a cue from Sir Tony, I go to Stoke City News (from the same guys that do Gooner News), wishing & hoping… All I find are news articles from your daily junk papers. No blogs!

But the news is catching my attention, it reinforces my worst fears. Tony is to wed Alex is a secret ceremony in Vegas! Here is  the headlines by Yahoo Sports: “Pulis Senses Man United Glory”. Hardly surprisingly!

What a dead-end.

My last resort is to visit the Stoke official web site, located at stokecityfc.com. The official mouthpiece is so proud of their troop’s performance against the evil army. “We Run United Close Again – Pulis” is the headline, what else can you expect? They count Britannia, Adidas and Carlsberg as partners; I know what beer I’m not drinking from now on…

Desperate by now, I go to Wikipedia. I learn that Stoke are considered to be the second oldest professional club in the world, and the word “senile” springs to my mind. Their best league position was 4th in 1935-36. This shows why they can lose games at will with no questions asked of them.

How disappointing, and EPL team with little presence on the web!

Have you heard the one when Sir Alex walks into a bar, puts Tony Pulis on the bar and says “This is the smartest lap dog in the world”?

Sammy The Snake

Want to read some more things you already know?  Try this

We’ve found another relative of Jack Humble – the club’s founder.

Making the Arsenal – is now available post free.

14 comments to Snooping Around Stoke’s Losers

  • Ok not a clever idea on my part to suggest we cover a number of blogs, but I find this amazing and hard to explain.

    Walter’s last article showed us that Stoke’s ground is one of those that is always near to capacity. We also know the noise level at Stoke and the dedication of their fans.

    And yet they don’t seem to have any blogs??? Well one or two but hardly anything on them.

    I am almost tempted to go and start one myself. Maybe hoof.com or thump.org.uk or something along those lines. There’s a strange surreal oddity in this thought, a Stoke blog run by people who actually don’t like Stoke… except it has already been done at Arsenal.

    But really, it is strange that a prem league team doesn’t have an independent blog with regular posts.

    Mr Snake – you don’t have to do each club, but it would be interesting to know – are there many EPL teams where the fans don’t have enough going for them that they can’t actually run a single blog with daily updates?

  • Byo

    Oh yes, some of the EPL teams that do have blogs are so outdated and aesthetically wanting, it is torture to decipher. And most don’t even have any!
    Thank the heavens for Arsenal and its caring fans. Plus the general press cannot seem to have enough to say about Arsenal either.

  • Mick

    Maybe the average (or even above average) Stoke fan is not schooled in the basics of reading and writing. In which case a blog would be a waste of time. Does a Stoke program have writing in it or is it just full of pictures of Dulap taking long throws and Shawcross flattening opponents?

  • RedGooner

    I dont know much about other teams web sites but funnily enough I did watch the whole of the stoke/Manure game the other night on TV. I can honestly say how Stoke scored was beyond me.

    A few weeks back on the BBC they commented after a Villa game that there had never been a worse performance in an EPL game before, well Stoke now has that honor.

    Yes believe it or not they were worse than city last night atleast city had somewhat of a defence even if the woodwork helped them out.

    Well Phil Browns gone, Fat Sam is gone also …… I guess as the song goes 2 out of 3 aint bad with hopefuly that negative idiot Pullis going next.

  • gooner80

    anyone who has been to stoke would know it is a run down place there is nothing but yobs up there and the people are pretty poor some parts of stoke remind me of a third world country.

  • A Casual Observer

    They don’t have ‘tinternet in Stoke – only fancy pigeons… and whippets.

  • Bobby Pliers

    Thing that worries me is how many teams do rollover at Old Trafford regularly. The ones that spring to mind are:-
    Wolves, Blackburn, Stoke, Tottenham & Sunderland. So that is a guaranteed 15 points without trying! Yet conversely because of the media spin Arsenal get every team wanting to boot them up in the air and get in their faces going flat out for the win! Biased I may be but Fergie has built this up over years so that now even his poorest ever side sits at the top of the league because of this factor and the Old Trafford effect on referees.

  • ugandan goon

    there is a shrill and often disconcerting cry that does the rounds in the media every time we drop points or a transfer window opens advocating a harder style or the acquisition of cahill, melo ad infinitum. i think that if we did our esteem in the football world would plummet to the depths that stoke’s has never looked like leaving! the lord wenger tires of telling people that the ethos of the club has always been to play an attacking and entertaining brand of football, it is the least the punters deserve for their coin. so when man city roll up and stink the place out by parking a gold plated bus at the emirates, you have to admire the contrast however when it comes to stoke, words fail the ordinary mortal, how does someone care about a team that does not obey even the simplest rules of the game? week in week out(except the two weeks they are playing united) they are seen wrestling goalkeepers, one of their players has a special vest for drying the ball, the ball boys are complicit in the time wasting, i suspect they dont really get to see much football in the normal sense of the word, with the ball in the air so much they might as well be at wimbledon!
    we ( the lord weng) are often accused of taking the moral high ground when any thing football related is concerned, well dear arsene-alistas it is because we are given something to care about and thats all you can ask.

  • walter

    I notice that Stoke has some die hard fans in my article on attendances and Sammy was trying to find, without real succes, a Stoke City Blok.

    I write an article about attendances and how the Emirates is filled every game and Phil is working on an article on how the Emirates was financed.

    Do us regular writers have some kind of telepathic bond????

  • Good ol’ Tony Pus. It could be worse, I suppose. Maybe that baseball cap (which is fine in my country, but looks ridiculous in Britain, where you call gangsta wannabes “chavs”) is where Ferguson sticks his gum. Tony Pus puts it on his head, and says, “Thank you, Sir Alex, may I have another?”

  • RedGooner

    Tony did you read the article on FIFA the integrity oficer position been taken back from Fredrick Lord ? Think its in the Daily Telegraph No interst in intengrety whatsoever. Another joke from Blatter and co.

  • Sammy The Snake

    Two interesting pieces of news;

    Thomas Vermaelen back in training for Arsenal and on course for January return
    Wenger hoping to pair Belgium centre-half with Djourou
    (what an absolute joy! This will help our title push…)

    Roy Keane sacked by Ipswich Town – report
    (this is just two days before they meet Chelsea in FA cup, and then four days later they play Arsenal in Lg cup. How stupid can owners get?)

  • DogFace

    @Uncle Mike – I agree… the Libertines put it into song:

    “there are fewer more distressing sights than that
    of an englishman in a baseball cap
    yeah we’ll die in the class we were born
    that’s a class of our own my love
    we’re in a class of our own my love”

    Ok Pulis is Welsh – but the sentiment remains.

  • Sam

    I just love the idea that if there are no regularly updated Stoke blogs any Stoke fans googling for one will probably turn up this post right at the top of the search results 😀