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The complete & total guide to every Arsenal transfer story

This is it – every single Arsenal transfer story of the summer – including the ones that haven’t been written yet.

Goal – Arsenal need a new world class keeper and are buying [insert name]

Central defence – Arsenal need a new world class central defender and are buying [insert name]

Captain – Gallas’ performance as captain was [insert negative word] and so [insert player] will be captain

Midfield – Yaya Toure will sign cos he wants to be with his brother.  (Easiest if you cut and paste this same story that you ran last year and the year before and the year before).

Midfield – Hleb is leaving / has left / buying out his contract / flying to the Moon / doesn’t like the noise of cows outside his Herfordshire farmhouse.   Arsenal immediately fall apart.  Do not mention that Theo is ready to play every game, and Merida joins in August.

Midfield – Cesc is being tempted away for $billions and Arsenal will fall apart.

Centre forward.  Arsenal need a world class centre-forward and are buying [insert name]

Depth of squad – Arsenal were “woefully exposed” (important that you always use that phrase) after the assault on Eduardo, and so need to buy buy buy.  (Vital that you do not mention that we have already got Vela and Merida, with Denilson sitting there waiting).

Finance – Arsenal don’t have money (fail to mention that the Highbury money arrives next season and that Arsenal made a profit last year, unlike every other club that lost money).

Easy, isn’t it.

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