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March 2018
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This summer’s signings: Mario Götze’s arrival precedes massive clearout.

By Billy The Dog McGraw

Our man in the swamp

There is a general feeling among the great and good that the current series of articles on Arsenal’s signings this summer has been a bit lacking in, well, what’s the word.  Rabies?  No.  Razzamataz?  No.  Ridiculousness.  That’s the word.

So I am here to add some.

You see, apart from plucking names out of hats in order to fill column inches, journalists resident in the Depths of Despair public house in Wapping Swamp, East London, (and their allies in the blog sphere) also like to play the disruption game.

Of course this summer the focus is on Tottenham as much as anyone – who will Bale be going to, how many of the 31 year olds in the team will actually still be standing next August, will Arry leave, and if so will Tottenham follow WHU, Bournemouth, Southampton and Portsmouth (Arry’s other clubs) and go into administration.  That sort of thing.

But if in doubt, and generally after the ninth or tenth pint with double whisky chaser they will always return to Arsenal.

The Daily Mail – whose hacks (regulars in the Depths) like to do this a lot, and they were particularly keen on it over the signing of Mario Götze – a story they have now run three times (on the basis that most Mail readers are so senile that they don’t notice that the “news” is all “s****” and not actually new).

Their argument (I use the word loosely)  is that Borussia Dortmund will let Mr W. walk off with the attacking midfielder for £25m and and Mr W will play him on the wing (or “flanks” as the horse-excited hacks at the Mail call it.  As in he likes “cutting in from the flanks”.)

That means, cries the Mail, that we would have Götze one side, Robin in the middle and Podolski on the other hand.  (Podolski is signing this afternoon apparently).

Forget that two of the front three are not actually Arsenal players at this moment (the Mail wouldn’t notice anyway).   This “starting combination” would raise “serious doubts” about whether Theo and Gervinho, Ryo, Yossi and the Ox, have any future at Arsenal.

Clear the decks.  New headline: Massive clear out at Arsenal

Clever eh?  The players are not with us but we have a new crisis of a big clear out.  Oh and then undoubtedly, when one of them gets injured Arsenal’s “crazy spending spree” will have resulted in us “scratching around in the 3rd team to find youngsters to make up the numbers.”

Actually, although the signing of Götze’s seems unlikely he could also replace Rosicky in the role he has now resumed in the centre.  But that would mean the Mail would see that it as a desperate attempt to recover the excitement our game has missed since the kidnapping of Cesc Fabregas.

However (and here a pause for reality) that really could work, and would be a significant move to overcoming our terminal injury crisis problems.

Although all the stuff that comes out of the Wapping Swamp should be put back in it Götze does fit our profile.  He came through the youth system at Dortmund’s youth starting with them aged eight.  He played his first Bundesliga game in November 2009 and that went on to help Dortmund win the league in 2010–11, aged 18.  He started playing for the German national team in 2010, and scored his first goal for them against Brazil aged 19 and a couple of months.

But he only signed a new four year contract in March 2012.

However he is also reputed to be a bright kid – his father is a professor at Dortmund University, and Mr Wenger does prefer bright players.

So now you know.

Next week: M. Mouse of Florida Fanciful signs for Tottenham.  “I’ve always rated the wee fella,” says Joe Jordan.

Untold Arsenal

See us on Twitter @UntoldArsenal


40 comments to This summer’s signings: Mario Götze’s arrival precedes massive clearout.

  • Gerry Lennon

    Oh dear, we haven’t dropped to the level of just putting up a headline grabber, only to deny its likelyhood further down the blog.
    Shame on you!
    I do get the point of how the papers do change their stance on arrival of the own conclusion though.

  • WalterBroeckx

    LOL that last one….LOL I almost spilled my tea while reading. 😉

    But I don’t believe it. The tots have already their Mickey. Mickey D. and he can dance as good as the Mouse can.

  • WalterBroeckx

    About the possibility itself as last season according to German sources Arsenal did make a big offer to Dortmund and to Gotze.

    I would very much love to see him come to Arsenal. Who wouldn’t? A class player and with the potential to become one of the real great in the game.
    The two problems are that Mario has Dortmund DNA and loves his club. Which in itself is of course a nice thing for Dortmund and their supporters.
    The second problem is the money. I don’t think Dortmund will let him go for 25M. Well if I was Dortmund I wouldn’t let him go for that money. And I cant see Arsenal spending such an amount on one player.

    A “good” thing is that he has been injured almost the whole season. Just as Jack in fact with also a stress fracture (if I remember correct) so he could fit right in with the medical team.

    But imagine having the possibility of putting Jack, Aaron and Mario on the same team…. Oh my God… just the thought of it makes me want to buy a season ticket or come over every game…

    I admit I’m a big admirer of Gotze.

  • Mahesh

    The high fun-coefficient of the article aside (kudos to Billy for that 🙂 ), I doubt it will be possible (however much we would like it to happen) –

    A more believable and actually very good option would be Ozyakup (Howz ya cup? Full or empty? eh? 😛 ) He has played really well in reserves, and guess he is one of the players who will break into 1st team. That would mean, if Gotze arrives, he will end up playing on the wings with Podolski, as you say 😉

  • nicky

    While imbibing a port and lemon the other afternoon in my local, the Coalhole in the Strand ( where a tie is de rigeur but a shirt is not mentioned), there was much talk about selling Van P. in the summer sales and bringing in a couple of bons fide two-footed genuine strikers…..since there appears to be a number up for grabs.
    The consensus was that we will not get another season like this one, out of the Dutchman.
    As I left and strolled towards the Strand Palace in search of a £87 afternoon tea of cucumber sandwidges and fancy cakes, I couldn’t help thinking that there was some merit in the proposal.

  • Joseph Perkins

    All rubbish cause Gotze signed a new long term deal! Not even worth writing about.

  • Jimmy

    thats right, Gotze has signed a new long term deal with Dortmund about 4 months ago so what is this crap ?

  • Sammy The Snake

    BREAKING NEWS: Arsenal striker Van Persie wins Football Writers’ Association Player of the Year

  • WalterBroeckx

    surely that last line must have rang a bell…

  • Gf60

    William the Canine…come on, admit it. You did the training course at the Dirty Digger’s Dunny School.

    Nice one.

  • John

    Götze won’t be leaving a great club in the making in Dortmund. He’ll probably leave for City or Madrid. But not Arsenal,at least not next season. We’re missing the consistencies in a great team like Madrid or Dortmund right now. Dropping points all over the place but nothing much worse than the game against Swansea, where we were outplayed, outscored and outrun in every dept.

    So I dont think Götze will be coming to Arsenal. Perhaps Nuri Sahin or Fellaini is a much better prospect coming to Arsenal. We really need someone who can boss the midfield, and with Wilshere and Fellaini in the midfield, well, that’s a good combination.

  • emma

    it is over coz gotze signed anew contract

  • Lewis

    Oh dear. Not like untold’s quality to put up misleading headline grabbers

  • Mikewithcommonsense

    I don’t want to add or detract from the story about the wee German fella but do people realize why in some cases players get new contracts? It’s to solidify a better fee in some cases. Just throwing it out there to the know alls who think him signing a contract means he isn’t going anywhere.

  • Gord

    @off topic

    For those of you in the area who need an excuse to visit the Emirates Stadium, Arsenal Ladies play Chelsea Ladies there on Thursday at 7:45pm. From the article:

    > tickets cost just £5 for adults and £2.50 for concessions.

    Following up on Sammy the Snake, the Arsenal statistician has a longer article on statistics surrounding Robin van Persie.

  • MyTwoCents

    Firstly – anyone who thinks signing a contract means a player will stay is either blind or stupid (but probably both).

    Benayoun won’t be here next season. But there’s NO-WAY Wenger would sign Gotze to stick him on the wing! If he got him – and he 100% wants him ahead of Hazard who is too lightweight – Gotze will play the Fabregas role behind RVP. Podolski left and Walcott right. That’s Wengers dream front four. Walcott’s injury record means TheOx will get at least 15+ starts and Gervinho will rotate with Podolski who will rotate with RVP.

    Vertonghen is a maybe, but i think Wenger likes Meertesacker. And M’Villa is his Song replacement when he sells him in 12 months to the highest bidder to balance the books.

  • Damien Luu


    1) “anyone who thinks signing a contract means a player will stay is either blind or stupid (but probably both)” – No, YOU are stupid, because no one said that. A player signing a new contract does not mean he will stay but it surely means the price for him is God damn high.

    2) Wenger, if he got Gotze or whoever else, will do whatever he thinks is the best for that player and for the club, and YOU know nothing about it.

    3) Try to find a FM (football manager) video game and play it for a while, maybe you will learn something.

  • Bob A

    Why not add a few more rumours like Cabaye to Arsensal etc.
    On a more serious note one player who as been linked to most major teams in Europe that is a certain Mr Hazzard , Arsene as been very quite about him recently I think it is a possibility that some agreement may have done to bring him to the Emirates, what are you thoughts

  • Arvind

    We can buy one player who costs some big money without selling. After that we’ll have to sell to buy. And either way I’m trying to think why we need anyone there if Wilshere is coming back and Little Mozart is playing so well, plus maybe Eisfeld as well and Diaby to share some of the load as well.

    And then you have Song, Arteta, Ramsey, Frimpong and Coquelin as well. Where is Mario Goetze going to play unless we sell?

    And while OT..its the same case with Jan Vertonghen. We have Vermaelen, Koscielny, Mertesacker and Djourou. All of them have had reasonably good seasons, although the AAA will have you believe otherwise. Is Vertonghen really coming here to be 4th choice?

    Funnier things have happened though…much much funnier..really though as Damien often says…I don’t care 1 bit who comes or goes, as long as AW is there, we’ll compete. He’s a genius.

    Here’s a Spurs fan conversation for laughs btw : )..

    Fan 1 – RVP. That’s it. He gets injured and they are f****. And he’ll leave next season.

    Fan 2-6 – Vociferously agree with Fan 1

    Fan 7 – I don’t buy that one bit. I’ve been down that road too many times. I thought they’d fail when Viera left, then Henry, then Fabregas… if RVP does go…AW will just find someone else who fits the system. Probably Podolski.

  • Domhuaille MacMathghamhna

    Poor misguided and easily misled Gooners reading this tongue in cheek article….here’s the correct interpretation/translation:

    1)Goetze isn’t coming and the author knew that.
    2)The article was meant to ridicule the gutter press’ weak and unresearched regurgitation of rumours and BS that floats around their gutters.
    3)This is irony in its most basic form…well done as always Billy the Dog. You managed to reel in quite a few simpletons who believe everything they read! LOL

  • robbinURpersie

    Goetze is tied to a long-term contract at dortmund..he signed after our tie with them and a couple of weeks after dortmund signed Marco Reus from Monchengladbach (another young star we were apparently after)..

    Great research from the author!!

  • LRV

    How is it possible that some people fail to recognise and enjoy a good humour?

  • robbinURpersie

    Dom @4.28pm

    my apologies..i stopped reading after i read the title and went straight to the comments..therefore did not know it was a tongue in cheek article..i jumped the gun because after reading the title, i believed it was another gutter press type article and they do piss me off..

    but as for your comment on reeling in simpletons and quite blatantly labelling people without not knowing their background is quite rude..for example, Nigeria holds the biggest population of gooners outside of England and their only way of being in the know how is through the net, and maybe dont understand the rubbish being printed by the likes of “talkshite” and so on..

    simpletons hey?

    im not Nigerian but nor am i a simpleton who believes everything i read…….you IGNORANT F**K i mean FooL

  • rusty

    I’ve heard that Gotze has no intention of leaving this summer (hence the new contract), but that when he does go, well, he has a lot of respect for Arsenal…

  • MyTwoCents

    Damien Luu (pronounced Loo)
    Appropriate name for someone who talks what should be put in a toilet.

    If you read the comments – many people mention that Gotze won’t leave because he extended his contract, and that’s what i was responding to. Making you look very STUPID now!

    And really??? Will Wenger decide what’s best for Arsenal – not me??? Amazing! Such insight! I had no idea. You are so smart!!! hilarious. What a sad little man you are.

    Football is about opinions, idiot – and in your comments you made NONE!!! A man without an opinion is a fool. And yes, you are FOOL! Now go back to school sonny, you need an education!

  • Patrick

    we’ve lost Mario cos he has signed a new contact with borrusia

  • Matt Clarke

    …”Next week: M. Mouse of Florida Fanciful signs for Tottenham. “I’ve always rated the wee fella,” says Joe Jordan.”

    /pick myself up from floor grateful for good laugh

    I am sorry DF, but that is rubbish – he IS signing for Barca as their new ‘keeper:

  • RedGooner

    3 players we will never sign
    Mario Götze
    Eden Hazard

    Might sign maybe and the maybe on Vort is they probably read Walters stories here and decided to run their own version of them.

    Biggest slip up I thought of letting a player go at reasonable price that we had tracked for years was Ben Arfa looking at his goal a couple of weeks back he looked a real AFC type of player.

    WTF hes doing at newcastle I will never understand.

  • robbinURpersie


    Ben Arfa n diaby had a big bust up a few years back..they have yet to fact it remains heated between them..

    would not be good for team harmony, ala gallas-nasri..

    could argue that we should get rid of diaby, but try persuade Arsene Wenger….. FAT CHANCE

  • Jacobite Gunner

    My two cents, chill pill?

  • Stuart

    Hand bags at three paces here today isn’t it!!

    Here is a list of some players whose agents are looking to earn a considerate fee during the next transfer window:-

    * Mario Götze
    * Eden Hazard
    * M’Villa
    * Polodski
    * Vorteghen

    Oh, they’ve all been linked to Arsenal, what a coincidence!

  • Mogooner

    @robinURpersie Nonsense, there is no longer any issue between them

  • Mandy dodd

    Strange, for all the players we have been linked with, for all the stories who our players and writers player of the year is supposedly demanding, he has gone on record in valuing the contributions of the likes of rosicky, arteta, song and theo. what can it mean?
    Loved the article by the way!

  • MistaKen

    Stop it! AW has never spent even 20K in his carer so why would he start now. Podolski, and Vorteghen probably. He wont spend more than 16K on anyone

  • Blacksheep63

    I do hope that if RVP is thinking of moving on he takes a quick look at how well that worked out for PV4, Thierry, Nasty and Cesc. The grass is not always greener and trophies not nailed on. In Arsenal we trust

  • Mandy dodd

    I do not think he wants to move, but he may well dig his heels in to ensure we are equipped to win, as we should be . He has praised the players who have a bit of experience for their contribution, think this is a clear message to temper , but hopefully not completely abandon the youth policy ….to a degree, but think this has been done already.
    I think he will stay

  • malaysian gunner

    It’s not Arsenal need quality signings. Arsenal need to change the tactics to fit the occasion. I doubt Arsene could have pulled off the draw against Barca.His attacking philosophy is ingrained in him.
    If not in the crucial big games he will be throwing tantrums when anti soccer could have won the day.
    Fb.Munich pulverised MU in 1999 and yet lost. Likewise Arsenal were battered in 2005 but won.Does anybody care who played the better soccer?All the fans know are winners.

  • I wish gotze came his my 2nd favorite player in the nd hm at arsenal would b the best.maybe if the came rvp won’t leave I jst want hm 2 came I don’t worry about antbody else so please wenger buy Mario gotze hs the 2nd best for me

  • nick

    why is everyone got such gotze love. Podolski is actually gets a place in the germany over him at the moment..

    i like gotze…but come on

  • Arsenal1Again

    Gotze is, from what I hear, a mirror of our Jack Wilshere.

    Climbing through the ranks at the same speed and at the same time from a similarly young age, Gotze joined the German team about the same time as our Jack too. Gotze is also as creative, technical and dangerous as Jack.

    The way I see it, what can be better in our midfield than a Jack Wilshere? That’s it, TWO Jack Wilsheres. I would gladly dispense with both Arteta and Rosicky for Gotze and, if Ramsey wasn’t played so often out of position (way too deep) which makes him look like a donkey, I would chuck him in too – but no, I like the Welsh whizz when he’s in a more forward role.

    Anyhoo, anyhow, whizzle fizzle bang bang, no signing would please me more than the Gotze one and I mean this. I would rather have the German over Messi or Ronaldo all day long because of the link up play I envison with Jack. The thought just blows my mind when I escape briefly from the realisation that Jack is pretty much a perma-crock for the foreseeable future.

    As for this realistically happening – it’s like saying a team could turn the head of Jack Wilshere who has been at Arsenal since he was 11. It’s not going to happen just like it won’t happen with Messi at Barcelona or Gotze at Borussia. Such players very rarely move to other clubs. Take Tony Adams for example, Totti at Roma, Del Piero at Juventus, Batastuta before at Fiorentina, even Matt Le Tissier at Southampton and Giggs at United.

    If it’s true that Arsenal made an offer for Gotze then really … it shows Naivety.