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The 49 Football Awards You Would Most Like to See (but probably won’t)

By Tony Attwood

This was the fourth and final category in our Awards section and it is the one I love the most.  I laughed and laughed as I saw them coming in, and did so again as I compiled the list of Awards.

Here are some of them.  I have changed a few just slightly, to make the context clearer.

I will shortly select one for us to focus on and if it raises an amusing discussion, we’ll do another, until everyone gets bored stupid.  But for the moment, I would like to share the list with you, and just hope it gives you as much pleasure as it gave me.

  1. Award for the most pessimistic person writing about Arsenal.
  2. Award for the Player who has reached out and connected with the fans more than any other this season and which particular moment stands out  (several nominations were given including RvP when he picked up Theo at Wigan and carried him across to the fans to applaud for his assist, Chesney when he ran and picked up the ball boy and gave him a huge hug, RvP at the beginning of the season when he single handedly stood his ground against almost the entire Bolton team, Song when he deliberately stamped on Bartons leg. Silly, rash, unnecessary and probably cost us. But bless him, personally I would have stamped on Barton’s head.)
  3. Best player of the season(Bar RVP)? (This is very similar to “most improved player”).  Koscielny was mentioned each time this award came up.    Rosciky, Vermaelen or Sagna
  4. Best blog post of the year.
  5. Most slip-ups outside the penalty area eventually leading to the opposition scoring award :)
  6. Disinformer of the Year: Worst jorno/presenter/commentator when it comes to Arsenal/AFC: (examples – Stenographer of the Year, Lens Crafter of the Year, Best Media Servant to Rednose XX, Perfumer of the Year, Diverter of the Year…)
  7. Best match for Arsenal Away supporters.
  8. Best Arsenal Home crowd [Must be v Milan, although Tottenham was rather jolly too]
  9. Best away pub
  10. Arsene Wenger’s top five signings.
  11. Best/wierdest haircut?  The hairdo award should probably go to Meireles. Someone really got Medieval on his ass!
  12. The Best Conspiracy Theory of the Year and my nomination for this is: Rednose XX (Whoever named it…take a bow)
  13. The roasted pessimistic chicken on a ball Award given to the AAA or Wenger-Out Neanderthal who claims to be a loyal Gooner but most typifies a Spuds wannabe at the end of the season.
  14. The Untold Story of the Year
  15. The “Untold Integrity Award” for the Ref who gives most correct penalty calls, right or wrong in matches involving Man Utd.
  16. Creepiest poster on UA- my nomination is for the one with the monocled avatar !
  17. Player most loyal to fans drinking hole.
  18. The biggest idiot among all the ‘elite pundits’ on sky.
  19. Players we want to leave most. [This is too, too cruel – Tony]
  20. Most laughable transfer news award [My all time favourite is Crouch to Arsenal, a couple of years ago]
  21. Player with Best Attitude and Performance ON and OFF the pitch. The leading contenders would be Captain Vantastic and Szczesny. Both know how to respect other players and fans, and their performances don’t need questioning
  22. The best Arsenal blog (behind Untold) and the worst Arsenal blog [hint – it is the one where, if they don’t like your opinion they still post your comment, but change it to make you like silly]
  23. The worst dive of the season (nomination that came in most was for Andy Carroll against former club Newcastle, through on goal and still decides to dive when nobody within a yard of him.
  24. The worst media coverage of an EPL game (MOTD omitted scenes, press tweaking reality to fit story, “Wenger had nothing to do with the resurgence against Villa in FA Cup” or anything like that).   MOTD won it each time it was nominated, although ITV did once again manage to miss part of a match and switch to another programme during a game recently.
  25. Most Fatherly Manager
  26. Most celebrated goal by the referee (Mike shit Dean)
  27. Worst Program:- Sky news/anything with Gary (rat) Neville&Jamie Redknap/Super Sunday (zooming in on Sir Fungus face after each goal).
  28. Worst Ref => Probert
  29. Best story of the season (the great turnaround)
  30. Best goal of the year  (Van Persie against Liverpool; Technically even more difficult than the one against Everton, and also the timing. Finally we beat Liverpool against the run of play, like they grabbed all their points against us in de last couple of years.   Arteta against City. I guess City will try to buy him next year.   Thierry Henry against Leeds; brought tears in my eyes.  Thierry Henry against Sunderland; The Kings final gift.   Arteta screamer, free kick against Aston Villa
  31. The assist of the year:  Song on Van Persie against Everton, Song on Van Persie against Liverpool, Van Persie on The Ox against Blackburn
  32. Turning point of the season:   Sagna against the tiny totts… the look on his face while running back with the ball under his arm after he scored. Scared the shit out of me.
  33. The most controversial match of the season (I bet man utd will be at the centre of it)
  34. Ref awards (1.best ref (also nominated as most competent ref), 2.worst ref, 3.best refereed game- 4.worst refereed game 5.most blind ref- i nominate Halsey, 6. Best foul inventor- Probert without a doubt, 7 Most Webbalties(i.e Penalties that are not)- of course the namesake, 8. Great turnaround by a ref i.e was shit but now decent-though i still don’t trust him one bit but Phil Dowd deserves it)
  35. The worst media source:- Talksport, The Guardian, The Scum
  36. Biggest prick on TV:- Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson
  37. Award for the person who has done most to derail the Spuds recently – Capello? Sagna? Walcott? Redknapp?
  38. Biggest twat to appear in the sky sports news room:- Tony Gale
  39. The biggest bunch of bollox:- http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/11032012/58/premier-league-paper-round-rvp-agrees-210k-city-deal.html
  40. A week in the stocks for the most gratuitously abusive fan(s)
  41. Biggest editorial climbdown by any Journalist/Newspaper/Blog.  Largest humble pie eaters of the season ; The spuds, ollie holt of the mirror, our own very fickle fans the “A.A.A.s”.
  42. Best comeback from injury. lots of nominees for that one. vermaelen or sagna for that one
  43. “Worst and best haircut”. My vote for worst haircut is Barton (at least goes with his personality) and best haircut – one and only Song.
  44. Best footballing dog of the year.  [Rosie].
  45. Biggest Forehead of the Year :|
  46.  Largest humble pie eaters of the season ; The spuds, ollie holt of the mirror, our own very fickle fans the “A.A.A.s”.
  47.  Biggest traitor of the season: NASRI
  48. The “omniscient” referee award. Or, maybe a one-off special commemorative trophy for the “Best Spurs Team Ever to lose to Arsenal.
  49. Most spectacular drop from grace (Tots)

You can make up more or pick your favourite or nominate some examples or just hang around for a while until the next article goes up.

Thanks to everyone for that list.  I loved it.

34 comments to The 49 Football Awards You Would Most Like to See (but probably won’t)

  • Stevie E

    My favorite ” Or, maybe a one-off special commemorative trophy for the “Best Spurs Team Ever to lose to Arsenal.” Genius 😀

  • rantetta

    Look, I ain’t goin’ for all this Awards ****!

    Oh, alright… ;

    Best assist: Alex Song v Dortmund BECAUSE I was at the match sitting only 5 rows back behind the goal in which Rvp scored.

    Check out the cool ditty (if you’re over 18) where Song’s assist is shown as though he’d done his magic from the right-side of the pitch. “I’m ill”:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyCNS-blOZA

    “Rah rah”. Groovy baby. (No. 1 for Microbe – 1969. Grandpops told me about that one).

    Tony. Laughed and cried at that list.

  • Stuart

    I just spat my tea at number 16

  • Arvind

    HaHa. Super creative Tony. Nice post. 45 obviously goes to Gervinho : )

  • Cent

    Lmao at the list,thought my own nomination was bad*ss till i saw this list,btw my nomination is part b of number 41 and the whole of number 46 and am nominating it again. To whoever nominated “the best Sp*rs team to lose to the worst Arsenal team” take a bow son.

  • Anne

    “The worst media source”

    I really think that we’re going to have to go with the Sun on this one. I mean, they REALLY outdid themselves this year. I’d say that their low points include their

    “Arsenal fans shown the red card article”

    http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/3930351/Arsenal-news-Research-claims-fans-are-to-blame-for-poor-Emirates-Stadium-atmosphere.html

    (in a funny way).

  • Anne

    Then, in a not so funny way, these two articles that were highlighted in our “The Sun goes bananas (even by their own sub-basement standard” article, the “high points” of which included a (hyperbolic?) threat to shoot Arsene Wenger between the eyes if he didn’t spend money in the transfer market:

    “something most Gooners are shouting for should be smacking Wenger right between the eyes…He needs to spend. Or he may be spent.”

    http://blog.emiratesstadium.info/archives/14090

    But really… who can narrow it down? That’s not even mentioning Antony Kastrinakis, the empty emirates stadium report and Charlie Wyett… Really, the tomfoolery of the Sun this season knows no bounds. They have to take “worst media source” by a long shot, I would say.

  • Anne

    For those of us with limited access to broadcast media, why is Tony Gale the “Biggest twat to appear in the sky sports news room?”

  • Gord

    Worst name for a blog, the Arsene Wenger Suicide Watch.

  • Mahdain

    @Anne Tony Gale is one of the worst if not the WORST commentator that sky have..he is an utter twat always anti Arsenal and spouts shit most of the time

  • Mahdain

    to us who have access to ESPNstar/AbuDhabi sports we get a regular dose of Gale and he seems to do his job he is told to do really well as he is always there to commentate on Arsenal matches

  • Anne

    @Gord:

    Is that a real blog? Good lord…

  • Anne

    @Mahdain:

    Can’t say I’m sorry to have missed him. We do get Sky Sports news here and Sky commentary on our matches but I avoid both whenever possible 🙂

    Worst commentator here would have to be Warren Barton for Fox Soccer (mainly just because he’s such a smug, self-satisfied prick, without the intelligence to back it up. But also anti-Arsenal). And then Ian Darke for ESPN. SO anti-Arsenal.

  • Gord

    @Anne

    http://www.chic.ology.com/all/Arsene%2BWenger%2BSuicide%2BWatch

    I never visited there before, he is their April 9 Content

    > Every Monday, SportsOlogy checks in with Arsene Wenger, the French manager of English Premier League club Arsenal. Arsenal has not won a trophy since 2005, and this year has sent Wenger into a depression deeper than the Marianas Trench. It’s our obligation as fans of the game to keep track of his mood and the likelihood of suicide.

    > This feature may have to be retired soon, because Arsenal have defied all odds by becoming the most consistent Premier League performers outside of Manchester this season. Because of a 2012 that has favored the Gunners, manager Arsene Wenger and his general mood have embarked on a steady upward climb that has almost rendered SportsOlogy’s public service obsolete.

    > Arsenal’s return to form culminated in a 1-0 home victory over one-time title favorites Manchester City. Mikel Arteta handed the Gunners three points thanks to his 87th minute goal, which NEVER happens for Arsenal unless it’s an own-goal, and in an instant Arsenal ruined City’s title dreams. Granted those dreams were bought with oil money, but THEY’RE STILL DREAMS, AREN’T THEY?

    > In truth, Arsenal dominated possession, got Mario Balotelli thrown out, and deserved to beat a Man City side that seems to be losing mental strength every day. Did you ever think there would be a day when Arsenal would win a match because they were mentally stronger than their opponent? All credit goes to Wenger (and just a teeny, weeny bit to Robin van Persie), who hardly seems to be the same person who earlier this season said, “All the cemeteries are full of replaceable people,” in response to questions about his fitness for the Arsenal job. We’re happy for him.

    > CAUSE FOR CONCERN: It’s a happy time for Arsene and his Gunners, so we wouldn’t want to spoil their fun, would we?

    > THREAT LEVEL: Zero. Take the week off, readers.

  • Anne

    @Gord:

    That’s revolting. Right up there with the Sun article I quoted above and Martin Samuel’s “rictus grin” analogy:

    “Is there anyone better to manage Arsenal? We would like to think not. Yet in previous seasons that answer would contain no element of doubt. It does now.

    At what point might that knowing smile become a rictus grin?
    If Udinese win, perhaps.”

    http://blog.emiratesstadium.info/archives/14802

    rictus [ˈrɪktəs]
    n pl -tus, -tuses

    2. a fixed or unnatural grin or grimace, as in horror or death
    [from Latin, from ringī to gape]
    rictal adj

  • Arun

    Here’s the link to all the articles :
    http://173.203.89.221/tags/arsene-wenger-suicide-watch
    It’s due to idiots like him that makes internet such a laughable experience for me.
    But Gord, seriously how did you find out this blog???

  • Gord

    Goonernews I think has displayed two titles of articles from that blog over the last year or so. The name of the blog was so hideous, it was easy to remember.

    I hope your exams went well Arun.

  • novicegooner

    this is so much fun!

    Koscielny gotta win Award Number 3. He’s a beast now! Watching him play is a joy to watch, his game-reading-intelligence is top class! I rate him higher than Vermaelen, in terms of defending

  • Anne

    @Gord:

    Here’s another one:

    “But when it comes to Wenger, it’s no surprise he is finally beginning to look old and weary. If the Frenchman is starting to show signs of wear and tear after a nightmare start to the season, fast forward seven days and he could be the wrinkliest swinger in town.”

    http://blog.emiratesstadium.info/archives/14090

    What exactly is a “swinger?” I can think of more than one meaning.

  • Shard

    The ‘official’ awards voted Wayne Rooney’s shinned overhead kick as the best goal in the 20 years of the Premier League? Really?? I had my head in my hands at the stupidity.

    So this
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO3HUOexuQA

    is better than this?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n275iW54o68

    Or this?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pXknz6XBjY

    If you think it’s only about Arsenal goals, check out Gudjohnsen’s overhead kick for Chelsea against Leeds (Was that in the league?)or Di Canio’s volley..Even some of Le Tissier’s or Yeboah’s goals.. Hell Rooney’s goal probably wasn’t even the best goal in that month, let alone 20 years of English football. What a joke. It’s ridiculous and insulting to football. It doesn’t even deserve to be on the same list as some of the great goals I’ve seen.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Thanks Tony for considering my suggestion at number 16 – it appears I’m not alone as Stuart @7.55pm spat out his tea !Hope you didn’t choke !
    I expected retaliation of sorts after norminating him but so far
    no sigh of him for quite sometime in these parts.
    I’m not taking any chances though and am keeping a sharp lookout
    for him .I dread the day that he’d sneak behind me and speaking in clipped English accent, ” Ah say old boy ,that was dashed bad form ,sprouting on Untold…..”.

  • Anne

    @Shard:

    You’re right. And have I ever mentioned that I? (nevermind) 🙂

  • Ray from Virginia

    Regarding Warren Barton on FOX, he has been told about his anti-Arsenal bias, and he has behaved recently, but the most annoying commentator is Eric Wynalda, ex-USA international attacker who is a huge Chelsea fan. Interestingly, the most senior commentator on FOX soccer, Bobby McMahon, likes the way Arsenal plays, and he is usually very respectful of coaches in the EPL. Interestingly, McMahon predicted that Arsenal will win it all the year Gallas went bonkers after Eduardo was assaulted and gravely injured; well, he was almost correct…
    As to ESPN, the bias is due to McManaman’s previous club affiliations, but he is mostly fair and well behaved.
    We are somehow lucky over here because we do not get exposed to some of the caustic know-it-alls that you have in the UK.
    Ray from Norfolk, Virginia.

  • Ray from Virginia

    Award idea:
    Starting ManU, Totts, Chelsea, etc (pseudo)blogs pretending to be supporters and asking all the time for the manager to be sacked and for the beast players to be trated away.
    The award would go yearly to the blog that accomplishes the best outcomes.

  • Messi's dad

    Thanks Tony, I’m flattered that some of my suggestions made it!

    How about another?

    The “Another One Bites The Dust” trophy, going to the last team (other than Arsenal) to register its first loss of each season. We can even retrospectively award a Platinum version every 5 yrs to the AOBTD winner that wins the trophy the latest.

  • bob

    Number 26 is a fake. The Dean Dance was stolen from Don Fungus when he celebrated his theft against us at Old Toilet in 2004. That, in turn, was stolen from newsreels showing a certain mustachioed creature upon hearing that Poland was his. One big public lie spawns another and another and another…

  • bob

    47. Can we at least consider that this one is at least a dead heat: the envelope please: Na$ri and ex-Cesc.

  • bob

    29. it’s also the best UN-told by our own super United Nationals the world over.

  • bob

    Shard,
    Yep, now that Divemaster Rooney’s done “his part,” the missing face on the EPL poster belongs to Don Fungus. Will coincidence work its way and allow The Rednose XX to show them together, or will it be only Lord Football. There’s an old Chinese expression that Heaven cannot allow two Suns. I think it’s true. So I’ve been breathless with anticipation as to whether just one or both will be in that Final Freeze Frame that will become an icon for all football fans and school children for the rest of time. (Anyone following the Asian betting line on this one?)

  • bob

    12. Tony, you surely have good taste and a true “nose” for (as the good book says) the truth of things unseen.

  • Norm

    No.36 agreed with the 2 chosen, but must add Chris Fathead Waddle. Wholly anti-Arsenal and talks complete crap. Unintelligible drivel spoken here. Exactly what does ‘should of went’ mean? An absolute tosser and ‘for me’ typical of cheapshit ESPN.

  • Gord

    @offtopic

    Euro-2012 is coming up, which I gather means an excuse for soccer games for your computer. If you run Windows or Macintosh, this isn’t like a problem. LXer.com is pointing to a unixmen.com article about Euro-2012 themed games for Linux. Five are free (as in free speech and free beer) and two are commercial. Even the commercial ones aren’t too bad, $7 and $5.

    http://www.unixmen.com/play-football-games-on-linux/

    Actually, the last game listed sounds like just the ticket for all these wannabe managers.

    > … Bygfoot allows you to manage a team by training the players, buying and selling them, contracting loans, maintaining the stadium, etc. You can be promoted or relegated, even become a champion if you’re a skillful manager. The game is deliberately kept simple and you only have to keep one eye at your players and another at your stadium.

    None of these games come equipped with unfair officials. What kind of random number generators they are using, they don’t say.

    Me? I seldom play games on a computer. Frozen-bubble being an occasional exception. For years, the only good thing about Windows was solitaire (Las Vegas rules). Back in the mid 1980’s, I remember something called snipes and a chess game that used to cheat when you got the king in check (it let the king make a knight’s move).

  • Gord

    @offtopic – too long

    The FIFA Womens World Cup is in 2015 in Canada. The host cities were announced today: Edmonton AB, Montreal QC, Ottawa ON, Vancouver BC, Winnipeg MB and Moncton, NB.

    Canada is the second largest country in the world, the distance between
    Vancouver and Moncton is almost 4300 km (as the crow flies). By highway, it will be longer. Much longer.

    The stadia are:

    Commonwealth Stadium in Edmonton – opened in 1978 for the Commonwealth games, it seats about 60,000 people. Field-turf (not grass).

    B.C. Place in Vancouver – for gridiron football, it seats 55,000. Not grass.

    Olympic Stadium in Montreal – boondoggle built for the 1976 Olympics. For gridiron football, it seats about 66,000 people. Not grass.

    Moncton Stadium – has permanent seating of 10,000, expandable to a bit more than double that. Apparently most of the field is real grass.

    Investors Group Stadium, Winnipeg. For gridiron football, the seating capacity is supposed to be about $33,000. I suspect it will be real grass.

    Frank Clair Stadium in Ottawa – supposedly just under 29,000 capacity. Not grass.

    Somewhat flavoured description from an English only speaking Canadian who grew up on the Prairies.

    Moncton is on the ocean. Temperatures should be quite constant.
    Parts of Canada near here, have been occupied for hundreds of years (going back to the Vikings in Newfoundland). The Annapolis valley of Nova Scotia is reasonably close, as is Prince Edward Island. Cape Breton Island (part of Nova Scotia) is home to “scotch distillery”. The people are of Scottish dissent, the materials are the same as Scotland. Legally it isn’t Scotch. Bay of Fundy, expected tides of 14.5 m Largest in the world. There is a bridge from the mainland to PEI which is exceptionally long, replaced a ferry or two. Probably lots of other things, but as I have never been to that part of Canada, I don’t know what else to write.

    Montreal – Mount Royal. New Brunswick seems to be the most functional bilingual province (English – French), Quebec is the reason for Canada to be bilingual. The french in Quebec can be quite adamant about all kinds of things. I’ve never been there. If you speak Parisian French, don’t expect to be accepted. Sure, you are better than “anglophones” like myself, but apparently you still don’t count. There is lots of history around Montreal, I just don’t know much about it. If you don’t speak French (or better Quebecois), I don’t think going to Montreal to watch a football game will bring you much joy.

    Ottawa. On the shore of the Ottawa River, it is a very deep river. Which is why Canada’s first nuclear facility is upriver of Ottawa (not surprisingly near a community named Deep River). The canals around Ottawa are usually used for ice-skating in the winter. Not possible in soccer season. It can be very humid around Ottawa in the summer. There is a chocolate plant nearby, but I’ve never been there.

    Winnipeg. Viewed from the east, the beginning of the prairies. There is a golf course near Winnipeg which has a par 6 hole, and is supposedly the longest course in the world. There are LOTS of shallow lakes close to Winnipeg. Which means the possibility for high humidity and lots of mosquitoes.

    Edmonton. On the eastern side of the Rocky Mountains, unless the wind is retrograde (from the east), doesn’t see much rain. Rainfall on the prairies is above that required to be classified as a desert in most places, but it isn’t much above. Lack of rain dominates what one sees. The Peace Region (in the watershed of the Peace River) is where I live, and is 4.5 hours or more north of Edmonton. A tremendous agricultural region! The historic sites are in the south. Smashed-in-Head-Buffalo-Jump is a world heritage site near Calgary. Most of the “badlands” in North America are in South Dakota, but Alberta has a little bit between Calgary and Lethbridge. Much of the prairies are the way they are, because of glaciation. The Cypress Hills (SE of Calgary) are a region that was too high for glaciation to impact as much as neighboring areas.

    Vancouver – a world city. It is on the ocean and is a vibrant port. Being on the windward side of the Rocky Mountains, it can be rainy there.

    Distances in the west (to people who live there) tend not to mean as much as elsewhere. The interior valley (Okanogan) has lakes whose bottoms are below sealevel. Mid summer, Osoyoos at the far south of the Okanogan, can see temperatures as high as 43C. But the entire Okanogan is known for growing fruit, and is becoming known for growing grapes for wine.

    Vancouver and Vancouver Island are well known. And tourist sites will give you lots about the region. Seattle is not too far south in the United States. The fish market at Seattle is well-known (I haven’t been there). There is a herb-farm in the eastern Seattle area which is also well-known. Tens of kinds of mint, among other things.

    I would expect England to be in this tournament. Maybe the above is a reason to investigate following the team.

    Other than Montreal, if you only speak English, you shouldn’t have a problem. Quebec typically is a problem for people who don’t speak French.

  • bob

    Ray from Virginia,
    Would you have a link or just write about what happened when Barton was told to lower his Arsenal-bashing? It’s interesting that it happened at all.