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The complete guide to who will buy whom this month

Arsenal –  We have money available, but with the news that we have apparently signed the Brazilian forward 16 year old Wellington Silva for £3.5m and seemingly we are about to buy a second young lad from the same country, that might be it.   There is still all the talk that we need a new goalkeeper, centre back, two midfield protectors for Cesc, and a couple of forwards… but we are near the top of the league with half the team injured.   The financial position is that if there was another Arshavin, Henry, Pires, Walcott or Ramsey available, the money is there – no doubt about that at all.  But the Sun says we ain’t buying Chamakh, so that’s that.   But the Sun also says we will buy him in August, so now we know.  The Mirror says we will buy Dzeko and Gignac.

I think we should start a story that says we will buy Herzog Splangzghy from Serbian side Dynamoz Spartakk.  He is a wonderful 20 year old centre forward who can also play in goal.

(Actually do you remember that story the Sun made up about how we signed a Brazilian goalkeeper only when he arrived we discovered he was only the same height as Arshavin…   It must be time for another story like that).

Aston Hold Your Head. With an American backer who didn’t do a Liverpool some funding is there.  But there is something self-defeating about Villa.  Just as that tactic of going down with an ankle tap and then holding your head to get play stopped is ultimately negative, so was the business of putting out a youth team in the UEFA Cup last year.    They will probably be in the second group of three (fighting for 4th to 6th place) but it depends how much they really want 4th.   I suspect they will sign O’Flannagan from East Belfast Harp Midloathian.

Birmingham Who Owns You? Not Mr Yeung who is the figurehead, but there’s a lot of Chinese money lurking in there somewhere – there was talk of £40m for transfers at one stage, but then it quickly got downgraded.   They want to push on, and that means a major set of additions to a squad so they can challenge for 4th to 6th next year.  The Mirror reckons it is Michel and Craig Gardner, but the Sun says they want McLean from that high flying outfit Peterborough.  I’d go for several Chinese players no one has heard of.

Bluckburn R. No reserves, losing money, half empty ground.  Sell, pay off some debt, and leave a few pennies to buy an unknown motorcyclist from the Virgin Islands.  As about to sign the Torquay United reserve coach (that is the bus, not the man).

Notlob W. No manager – but maybe when they get one he’ll be promised a few pounds.  The funny thing is they got rid of the manager because he was too negative.   And this the club managed by Allerdyce.  Will sign Rotational O’Fowl from Limerick Botticelli.

Plucky Burnley. No money, but the word “plucky” is now officially in the title.

The KGB in Fulham. The whole issue is totally confused.  All the loan money has become shares owned by one man who could get his money back by slowly selling them.   They say they are now debt free, and looking to move into profit by reducing costs including salaries, but that would be contradicted if they went out and bought another ex-Arsenal player by spending another £50m of Mr A’s cash.   If they do spend and so have another loss making year, where do they hide that new debt?  Does Mr A create another load of shares?   Given that 2010 was the year of “breaking even” and the year of being “debt free” it would seem a curious moment to spend a lot.  And the manager said they would spend nothing, which presumably means spending £10bn.  Expect them to buy four Italian refs.

Ever “what gives you the right to turn down our planning application” ton.  Losing money, no reserves, planning application for building flats on the old training ground turned down, planning application for new stadium turned down, relationship with council a total PR disaster, they are broke and going nowhere, and now have the great idea of asking the council to support them in finding a new ground.  Will probably now try and buy the council.

Fulham Al Fayed. If the owner wants to put money in he could, and apparently Harrods did rather well out of the Boxing Day sales, but I suspect he is knocked out with what Roy Hodgson has done.  In fact I’ve got no problem in admiring what Hodgson has done.   Might buy that guy from Roma, I’d tell you who it was (cos he played against them in the Europa and I watched it) but I have forgotten his name.

Hull Spitty. Totally in debt, bust, broke and out of their depth.   They are sinking fast and not only can’t survive in the EPL they might not survive much longer at all.  But the Sun says they will take Man Arab’s Caicedo on loan and then flog him down the pawn brokers.

Liverpoodle. The banks want a big lump of their loan back each year, all the money for the new stadium has long since been spent, no one seems to want to buy the shares and take on the debt, and it really is a two man team.   They certainly don’t have a penny to buy anyone unless they can sell or get a new source of cash, although the Sun says they are going to sign van Nistelrooy, and the Telegraph adds Rodrigez from Ath Madrid.  The full crisis won’t come until they have a year without entry into the Champs League.  If that is next year, then they are in really deep trouble.  Oh yes and they are going to buy Thierry Henry.

Still a big year for anniversaries for them.  20 years since winning the league, 25 years since Heysal.  Will probably buy 10 journalists to keep both stories out of the press.

Manchester Arab. The last manager was a disaster, the way the club runs its affairs is a disaster, the squad is a mishmash, and the new manager might not be quite as good as is thought (given the way in which he won his 3 Italian championships).   But they have money to burn.  “If it moves, buy it,” is the motto, although even this might be broken if they buy our Sol, who I loved as a player but is now by all accounts slowing down.

Anyway the Excess says they will sign him and Subotic, and Upson.   But you have to admire any club that can make Mark Hughes “manage” (I use the word lightly) a match, knowing that as soon as it is over he will be sacked.  Nice one.   They might buy the whole Rangers team, as they are in a worse state than Portsmouth, what with the bank already running the show.

Manchester IOU. Huge crisis in defence with everyone injured (so its not just us that has that problem) and Sur Alex F Wurd saying he won’t spend, probably because the lenders are getting a bit fed up not getting any interest paid on their debts.   As long as Sur A is still there he might bully some more cash out of the owners, but the fact that even he could not get his hands on the money from C Ronaldo suggests that even his screaming ranting and raving might not make money available.

Apparently they are going to sell Rooney to Real Madrid (The Star)

Portsmouth Arrest Warrant. Arry’s being investigated on financial matters.  Storrie’s being investigated.  The club is being investigated.  The last owner but one is being investigated.   The players are not being paid on time.  The club is not allowed to buy anyone anyway because they haven’t paid for the last load of transfers.  The owner has never been near the club.   Is this all a coincidence?

All these people proclaim their innocence and I have no evidence to suggest anything otherwise.  But as a club Portsmouth has gone, and the best they can hope for is minus 10 points in the Championship next year.   According to the Guardian they are now offering the players’ internal organs for sale in order to raise some cash.  Plus Kanu’s soul.  Football Rumours says that they are about to be bought by an Indian Karaoke billionaire.

Stoke Throw. No money anywhere.   And if Delap breaks his arm they have no tactic either.   Will buy the Olympic Javanese juvenile javelin champion. (Is there a word for champion that starts with a j?)

Steve Bruce’s Sunderland. I think we have to admit that like Hodgson Bruce is a good manager, who also seems to conduct himself decently, and get his team to work miracles.  I don’t know where Nial Q keeps getting the dosh from but there is probably more available.  Maybe he could lend me a fiver?

The Tiny Totts. Arry will always buy and buy and buy, until someone stops him, but now even the eternally spending Totts with their eternal profits declared year after year, seem to have had enough.   But still the Excess has them buying Micah Richards.  Also having seen Arsenal buy Brazilians the Totts will copy, and the Times has them buying Sandro.

They are at their highest position in the league since the Battle of Trafalgar, so you’d expect a club that has bought and bought and bought to give it one more heave-ho to get into 4th spot.   Yet actually the top dogs are saying “no more purchases.”   Something odd going on, so no change there.

West Iceland Untidy. Total bankruptcy.  They owe everyone money, their owners owe everyone money, assets are frozen (which when you think which country owns the bank that owns the club is slightly amusing) and they are dead in the glacier.  In a sense I feel sorry for Zola because he always seems a decent guy and he certainly doesn’t deserve a club as dreadful as Three Stops from Barking.

Wigan (anyone got a nickname for Wigan?) They claim to have a couple of pounds to spend, but I can’t imagine where it comes from.

Wolverhampton Wobbleyou. As the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy said of Earth: “Mostly harmless.”

So all in all this could be the quietest transfer window ever

Read MAKING THE ARSENAL.  It’s jolly good.

(c) Tony Attwood 2010

40 comments to The complete guide to who will buy whom this month

  • TheSKAGooner

    The Chavs fans are desperately trying to convince themselves that Aguerro is arriving this January. I don’t giggle often, but this makes me giggle.

    I saw a comment by Arsene the other day regarding van der Vaart. He said since he’s already transferred once this year, he’s prohibited from doing so again. So I’m not certain why our supporters or those of other teams think he might be changing kit. Sure, we all know he’s unhappy with his current situation and that if he were available he’d be a good addition to the side. But Arsene seemed pretty certain on the ruling when he mentioned it. I don’t know if a loan arrangement would qualify in the same manner though.

    As for who we might actually buy, despite having cash, I think the top-end price tag player we have a legitimate shot to go after is Gignac. Double benefit is he’s not cup tied. I believe he’d come available for around 12m pounds or so but I don’t see us extending ourselves too much beyond that. While I’d like to see Subotic come in, his price will probably be north of 18m pounds. I think on CBs much will depend on how contract talks with Gallas are going. If he’s planning to stay we can go with an older CB who would come in to super sub and give Gallas & Vermaelen a break when needed. If Gallas is intent on leaving in the summer then we’d have to go for a younger player…perhaps Sakho…who can come in and deputise for the last half of the season and be Vermaelen’s partner at the back going forward into next season.

    One thing is for certain, Arsene made it clear that he was not interested in short term buys. If he buys this winter, then he wants players who are going to be Arsenal players for the foreseeable future.

  • TheSKAGooner

    Ooopss…my bad. AW’s comment was about Huntelaar, not VDV. Sorry!

  • ubatgoonergooner

    A player who can give the same impact like Arshavin in the middle of last season, must be a special player. Gignac i’m not so sure of his standard, even Chamakh. But Dzeko yes, and if Wolfsburg is willing to let him go around 20~25 mills then I say we go for it. Comparing that sort of price with Arshavin’s, particularly due to the age factor. Although Dzeko mentioned his liking to Milan but considering what has happened to Huntelaar (almost same type of player with him) this season he might choose Arsenal.

  • AnonymousGun

    Why the h*ll is it arsenal ladies tag?

    And it took me a while to figure out Notlob .. *-*

  • AnonymousGun

    Just to make it clear.. my post above is a sarcasm 😉

  • henrykissinher

    after the posting the other day and all the crazy reply’s do we have to post script when we are being sarcastic and/or ironic.

  • henrykissinher

    above comment is sarcastic and/or ironic.

  • va fan

    what was the joke?

  • va fan

    thanks for the great post and happy new year! sophisticated sarcasm at its best!

  • walter

    Well if there is one thing “we” have at that the D&G brigade has not, that is that we can all have great fun and laugh.
    Another great article and another big smile on my face.
    Sometimes my family ask me when I sit on my laptop – BTW is this the right expression in English “to sit on a laptop” when you mean you are working with it ? – Because if I would take it literally I would need a new one or I have to do something about my weight with all these festive days just behind us ….

    So I start again: sometimes my family can just tell which site I visit. If the see me sitting with a big smile on my face they sometimes ask: “Did Tony put on a new article?” And mostly he did.

    If you ever do a new lay out for your site Tony, you could put big warnings that this really is a place where surrealism, irony, sarcasm, hilarious postings, just seem to go hand in hand in both articles and comments.

    yes I’m on Tony’s blog (thats to my family ) 🙂

  • Mark

    I’m chuckling away here Tony.

    Is Goldfingervich doing with the shares what Nodrog B has done with the money supply? A sort of quantitive easing?

  • I thought quantitive easing was what you got if you bought a burger on the way into a football ground.

  • Oh and Walter, no in English to sit on your laptop would be taken literally. I am sitting at my laptop, or working on my laptop. Actually I am being invited to go out shopping in a moment, so for a while I shall be doing neither.

    Oh but I do have a lovely warning ready for the start of tomorrow’s interview with Billy the Dog, but you’ll have to wait.

    PS If anyone else has a secret friend that no one else can see, please feel free to interview him, her, it, and I’ll publish it here. I am not sure if we can get any weirder but it is always worth a try.

  • Hartwick89

    Tony…How about the JJB Warriors? PS I tried sitting on my computer but unfortunately it was too difficult to type so as with you i tried sitting at my laptop; again not optimal! So currently I am working on my laptop it’s seems OK but I feel I need something else I have no focus… PSS did anyone catch the video I posted yesterday? It spoke loudly to the building up of last year to this year! I almost think the L AW (Lord Arsene Wenger) is only going to buy because he can… and as you so diligently point out most clubs can’t!

  • Hartwick89

    I also find it sooo humorous how recent news articles pertaining to Wilshere; (x-Manu A. Cole reports on what a talent he is. “Superstar in the waiting”) Collison (Villa CB- reports on Ramsay as “class Act”) and, finally the general rumour mill surround C. Fab. From links to RM to Barca and now Inter…. So question is like the L AW says(paraphrase) who should we buy? I am looking at my squad and wonder who can I buy that will improve this squad? I look around the world and no one fits that bill!

  • walter

    Well if we say in Dutch “I am sitting “on” my laptop, computer” we understand this as working on our laptop.
    So not only humour but also a website where you can learn some English. 😉
    But when I visit your website Tony, I don’t feel like it is “working”, it just is fun. So maybe I could say: “I am funnying at my laptop”.

  • Hartwick89

    Maybe,

    Since Arsenal are such a selling club like Ajax(Ha!Ha!) We can loan our young guns that aren’t quite ready for first team action to these big clubs..Loan Merida to RM, Wilshere to Barca, Lansbury to MU. They would actually help those clubs out!

  • diceman1984

    Amusing piece yet again Tony. Unfortunately for some joking and having a laugh is no longer an option.

    It’s hard to take someone’s stance seriously when they bashed Wenger for being stupid while they couldn’t even understand life’s wonderful gift, humor.

    But reading recent articles and replies made me a very proud member of Untold’s and Wenger’s faithful.

    After all, Diaby is now the most recent player who got bashed for not being good enough in the past but now is ‘Vital’ to the team according to those so called professors of football.

    But we are still the losers and morons right? We got so much crab for saying he’s a good player and will become great but here’s another one of those D&Gs “must have” skill: an ability to ignore everyone but those who say the same opinions and believe the same things. And they forget things very easily…..applying only when in favor of thief agenda though.

    The question is now; who’s next in line to prove Wenger right again?

  • neutral fan

    loving ur club doesn’t mean ridiculing others…there’s a proper/dignified way to show that ur club holds head high……..

  • FunGunner

    Get a sense of humour, neutral fan. Banter is part of the fun of supporting a football team.

    Tony, can I just say that the How Arsene Wenger Has Got It Wrong article was your funniest yet. Cruelly accurate and made me laugh like a drain. “To wit to woo”. Classic.

  • Marc

    I really hate the transfer window.

  • Armin

    Hm I believe this will be interesting January. And despite I would like to add some strenght in our squad, especially in hole left after RvP and Bendtner injury its hard to believe there is real space for i. Right now it may seam as hole but we actually have all spots covered. I don’t say Dzeko arrival could have significant impact on title ride, but I just cant see Wenger making ad-hoc solutions.

    But what really amuses me that all those “complainers” doesnt see the only real hole in our squad. By my humble opinion its right full back. Now all fall on Sagna back, and he is world top class player, but right now he is “alone”, on left we have 3 top class players plus Silvestre who still can show good performance there.
    But on right its all on Sagna and Ebue, but Ebue showed as much better in midfield than back. So if there is space for strengthening squad it would be right full back, rest is ok, not that it cant be better but I believe this squad (plus Bendtner in few weeks) can win league.

  • Marc

    There is talk that Torres wont stay at Liverpool without CL football and with Liverpool’s financial position he could be on the move in the summer. What are his options? Italy is a non starter. Barca or Real Madrid, although the talk is he wouldn’t go to Real because of his past connections. What about another PL club? Man City would be a no unless his head was turned by an offer of ridiculous wages, ManU – would Liverpool sell to ManU and do ManU have the money? I think that between them it makes a no. Chelsea – if Abramovich wants to go down a road of new debt and putting more money in it’s a possibility. What about Arsenal? He is definitley good enough, we’ve had repeated claims from the board that if Wenger asked for a £30 million player we could find the money, we have other Spanish players so he should feel comfortable and it would certainly send a signal to nor only other clubs but also to our players and encourage players like Cesc that we are determined to compete at all levels.

    I know it’s a long shot but I’d love to see him in an Arsenal shirt.

  • Diaminedave

    Some Great posts over the holidays. Happy New Year to all at Untold and to those of you reading. May the Force be with you and Live long and prosper
    Dave

  • I only had the quickest look at Liverpool against Reading, but I get the feeling that Liverpool had put out their full first team – certainly including their two good players. And they drew 1-1 with Reading.

  • FunGunner

    @ Marc

    What tortured logic. Torres is a wonderful footballer but why the fixation with spending a lot of money on one player – just for the sake of being seen to splash the cash? Would you be disappointed if Wenger bought an unknown striker who is as good as Torres but cost a lot less? I suspect you would.
    Are we currently failing to compete at the highest level? What leads you to the suspicion that Cesc or any other Arsenal player thinks we are not “determined to compete”? The fact that they have extended their contracts and rebuffed the advances of other clubs? I think the signal that we are determined to compete is our fantastic squad and strong position in the league table.

    People who want Wenger to spend a large amount just for the sake of it never seem to entertain the possibility that a club could spend a lot of money…and win nothing. What have Liverpool won since they bought Torres?

  • Marc

    FunGunner – I do not advocate spending for the sake of it and if Wenger can find a striker like Torres for a fraction of the cost – fantastic but the simple fact is that strikers who genuinely fall into the category of “world class” are few and far between. Torres would add to any squad in the world. How often do players of that quality become available who are already proven in the PL? We are so close to the current squad winning major trophies but we are still vulnerable to and unlucky with injuries.

    Do not mix me in with the fans who claim we need to buy a keeper, a world class centre back, 2 midfielders and another striker (as they were saying this before RVP got injured does that now mean we need 2 more?). I am talking about attempting to sign a player of the highest quality, if Torres is good at Liverpool what would he do with the likes of Cesc, Arshavin, Nasri, Walcott, RVP and Rosicky playing along side him?

  • FunGunner

    @ Marc

    I’m not lumping you in with fans who always want multiple signings whatever the state of the squad.

    However, I am questioning a) why you think we are not currently competing, b) why you think Cesc and co might consider that we are not currently determined to compete for honours, and c) why breaking the club’s transfer record to buy a striker would be more of a signal of that determination than, say, extending our winning run?

  • a

    I honestly do not think Cesc needs Torres to understand we can compete on all levels. We are currently among the top 6 clubs in the world(and have been for the last 10 years?) If cesc wants to move, and i do not think he will move anywhere within pl, his only choice of destination would be barca or madrid. We will probably do better than madrid this year which leaves barca. If we beat them in cl we will do better than them to. If Cesc still wants to go to barca it will not be because we are not a good enough team but because he wants to go home(which i think will be his main motive anyway if he goes). And my good sir, if that is his main motive for moving(to go home) not even hundred players of torres calibre would keep him at Emirates. Why? Cos emirates is not in spain it is in cold, foggy, wet and rainy London.

    I also agree with Fun Gunner, there are several better ways to use 30 mill than to buy Torres.
    PS: We got 25 mill for Adebayor, torres is 10 times the player adebayor ever was(that is ofc my opinion) Would he not cost alot more than 30 mill? If i was Liverpool and saw Arsenal get 25 mill for Adebayor, surely i would ask more than 30 mill for a player like Torres. Or is he to injury prone?

  • Steve d.

    The only reason Song and Diaby (for example) are now so vital to the squad is that AW continued to persevere when almost everyone had written them off and was calling for his “stubborn head” How many more times will AW have to prove to these idiots that he knows what he’s doing.
    I am convinced that ‘Le Grove’ (for example) is written by our enemies with a view to destabilising our great club, by ultimately getting the fans to get rid of the clubs most prized asset – i.e. Lord Wenger.
    I am happy to trust AW and just concentrate on supporting the team through thick and thin. I’m sorry I couldn’t think of anything witty or ironic, but I hate the transfer window because everyone losses their head.

  • Steve d.

    *loses even – see, the trainsfer windoow maddness is even effecting my spelling noow (ps. I managed to find a small bit of humour!!)

  • tim

    “Expect them to buy four Italian refs.”

    Haha. So true. Chelsea is Enron. “Creative” accounting at its best (i.e. “complicated, illegal, and with little or no oversight”), and the best talent money can buy. I’m surprised it’s recent declaration of being “debt-free” didn’t ring more alarm bells in these current economic times. Except people lost their livelihoods w/ Enron’s collapse; Chelsea’s inevitable collapse would mostly affect a bunch of deluded and spoiled fans. The hell with them.

  • Mark

    Spoiled?

    Cheated more like, 200 million pounds plus of footballer on the park, and they produce THAT!!

  • Mark

    I’d pay to see Drogba, Joe Cole ….that’s about it

  • Mark

    I don’t understand their set-up. They sold Robben, who was their principal creative outlet, and at the same time said they were pursuing an policy of creating an exciting team.

    They remind me of the German National team, solid, effective, and about as exciting as Hatty Jacques in curlers.

  • tim

    Mark: spoiled in the sense that they are like spoiled brats who whine to their sugar daddy to buy them new toys when theirs is broken. they just whine a lot when things go wrong, and cheer when their sugar daddy steals…er…buys the best players from others. (hmm, as i write these words, they seem to be very much like a certain group of our own fans (not to mention fans everywhere)…except we have AW who is smart enough to ignore them, and moral enough to play by the rules).

    too bad their sugar daddy is probably wanted somewhere for crimes against humanity (you don’t become a mogul in russia by playing by the rules!), and too bad their style-of-play is about as graceful and fun to watch as an oil tanker sludging through water, but hey, that doesn’t matter to them, as long as they are winning.

  • tim

    to be fair to Chelsea fans, cheering a team is usually something one is born into, kind of like a religion, which is passed down from generation to generation. i’m not speaking about those who have been Chelsea fans all their lives.

    but i really have no sympathy for those who choose to root for Chelsea without those attachments. for me, Chelsea stand for everything that is wrong in this world.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Keep it coming Tony ,we smell what your cooking and we’ll lap up what your dishing out.You’ve whetted our appetite and we’ll want seconds.An extra ounce of fun ,a pinch of irony and a sprinkling of absurdities keeps this site simmering.Our cups runneth over chef Tony -thanks a million.
    If you had bothered to asked the Javanese javelin champion [Stoke Throw ],the word you were looking for is johan ,champion in his native Indonesian language

  • Finnish Hit

    Yes Wi gan?
    Yes Wi gan – not?

  • Clerkenwell Gooner

    God, I would love Torres to come to Arsenal!

    But I think Liverpool will hang on to him to see if Spain with the World Cup 2010 – his value as a world cup winner would go through the roof.

    Would AW splash the cash then? To have two WC winners in the squad (Cesc/Fernando)?

    The only club I can see Torres going to otherwise is FC Barcelona – he could be a replacement for Henry, or for Ibra if Ibra falls out with Pep, which doesn’t seem outside the realms of possibility.