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Man U sink, Olympiks Twits, Liverpool naughty, Arry to the rescue

In the run up to the Olympik Terror (in which quite of bit of London’s road system grinds to a halt following the introduction of Zil lanes, the Emirates cup has had to be abandoned, and the UK government hosts 17 summits a week to try and raise £1bn ), we’ve had one bright moment.

It is a series called Twenty Twelve, and is based in the Olympic Deliverance Commission, whose officers include a Head of Brand, a Head of Sustainability, a Head of Legacy, and a Head of Infrastructure (whose knowledge of London’s transport system is about the same as my cat).

Among their disasters is the fact that terrorists have fixed the starting pistols to shoot real bullets, the Legacy team’s one idea is to plant an oak tree near Westminster, but having failed to get planning permission plant it in a pot.  Unfortunately no one thought to get an acorn so their guest star athlete plants a chocolate button instead.  The fireworks on opening day set off the missiles situated on east end tower blocks.  (Actually there are missiles on east end tower blocks, they didn’t make that up).

That’s the TV series.  It won awards.  It was brilliant.

Then we had the real thing.  All the security was given to a firm called FukTheGames4 or something [G4S actually], and just one week before the opening it was found that instead of having tens of thousands of security guards everywhere we actually had about 15.  Since then people have been interviewed daily about the fiasco and it turns out that the few who were trained were given simple tests to prove they were ready – and if they got them wrong they could try the same questions again and again as often as they liked until they passed.   Now most of our army and half the police forces of the UK are on duty – so if anyone wants to declare war on the UK, now is the time.

But then yesterday the games started, and on the big screen for the North Korean football match, each player had the South Korean flag next to her.  The North Koreans walked off.  They didn’t have to declare war – they are at war with South Korea anyway.   Not one announcement was made to the crowd, so they had no idea why the Koreans walked off.   After an hour they got the game going and the crowd was told it was a technical failure.  The crowd booed.

Turns out the Twenty Twelve show wasn’t make-believe after all.

Meanwhile Man U have stopped their $300m flotation in New York.  Apparently the markets are “volatile”.   Oh.  And here was I thinking that during the greatest economic catastrophe since the South Sea Bubble, everything was stable.  Silly me.

So now that’s three failed Man U stock launches in a row: Hong Kong stockmarket (too Chinese),  Singapore (too Asian) and now New York (too volatile).   Still there is always the Lichtenstein market.

Manchester United is a company registered in the Cayman Islands.
Meanwhile (again) Arry Redknapp is an ex-manager registered in Toy Town. Every club except Tottenham that he has managed has gone bust, although there is no link between his management and the subsequent collapse of clubs like Portsmouth, Southampton, Bournemouth and West Ham.   Now Portsmouth are about to follow Rangers in being kicked out of their league for being bankrupt.  But fear not.  Harry has said he will help the club.
Fortunately not with financial advice, although his dog Rosie is on the scene Untold can exclusively reveal.  No, Arry wants to talk with Kanu, who is owed £3m in back pay.  Tal Ben Haim is also owed that amount.   One wonders if Tottenham has finished looking in the woodwork and under the carpet at WHL yet.
And so to Liverpool.  Their credibility was on a high after they took a stand against homophobia by supporting Liverpool Pride: the first Premier League club to be officially represented at a UK LGBT Pride event.  100% to them for that.

Meanwhile they have brought in the ex-Swansea manager, with a written agreement that Liverpool would not approach any Swansea players for the next year.  Now Liverpool have put in an enquiry for Joe Allen.   The aim of course is to tap him up – they say they are not bidding for the player, but they are just “enquiring”.  It is the sort of behaviour associated with Barcelona, and it is surprising that Liverpool, who make so much of their past, and who can really take a brave stand on an issue that football repeatedly ignores (see for example my half dozen rants about Tottenham supporters behaviour at Portsmouth and how the police and THFC ignored the issue) should pull such a cheap stunt.    Next thing you know they won’t be able to pay the players’ wages.
Just to add a twist Liverpool have made the details of Allen’s contract public.
I am told (but don’t know for sure) that the deal with Liverpool failed to include any sort of penalty for Liverpool if they did do anything to unsettle any player, and did not give specific examples of what “unsettling” might mean.   Perhaps a little naive of Swansea.
Never mind it will be all right on the night.  Unless of course you are the Olympiks organising committee.   (Although I must be fair – as a result of the Olympiks the town where I live has the most magnificent new swimming pool.  The Israel and Jamaica Olympik teams practice there and I trot down a couple of times a week to do a quick (or to be more precise) slow kilometre in the main pool.   But looking at the number of my fellow local residents who use this truly wonderful facility, I can’t see that it is possibly sustainable.  I rather fear my rates (local taxes) are going to rocket next year.
Anyway, Woolwich Arsenal, the club that changed football is published, and  the last of the Sponsors’ copies are in the post today.   If you haven’t got a copy – please do help support Untold by buying a copy.
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19 comments to Man U sink, Olympiks Twits, Liverpool naughty, Arry to the rescue

  • Ha ha ha ha ha niece piece.

  • afc

    how can you ….

    Ah, the abuse the abuse, how it pours in. This email was cut because it was just abusive, and also because the email address wasn’t a real email address.

    Hey ho.

  • WalterBroeckx

    Sometimes reality is even more silly than a TV show…. 😉
    Ok, I admit I can laugh more as I will not be paying the bill when it comes. And usually it comes….

  • Andy Kelly

    This quote from ‘arry says it all:

    “I will be ringing Kanu today to see if there is anything I can do,” he said. “I signed him for Portsmouth on a one-year contract and Tony Adams told me: ‘You must be mad, he is finished.’ Six years later, he is still there.”

  • steww

    Untold has been predicting and reporting on the whole ManU unravelling thing for a couple of seasons now. Is this it actually starting now?
    As for Liverpool. I agree with you: One massive tick sadly half wiped out by their own silliness.

  • Borntobeagunner(btbag)

    Weldone untold. No wonder man u cant form around over RVP after buying Kagawa n Powel for £20m. Too chiniese, too asia n too ny, hahahahahahaha.

  • Borntobeagunner(btbag)

    Kanu hearts foundation can n will never be extended to arry n portsmouth.

  • with the exception of the jamaican olympic team, this article must set some kind of record for numbers of mentions of idiots in 800 words. harry apart, liverpool should be idolized for spending 70 million on three players who scored five goals between them last season. for that kind of money they could have bought torres. wait! what?

  • Another Fan

    “So now that’s three failed Man U stock launches in a row: Hong Kong stockmarket (too Chinese), Singapore (too Asian) and now New York (too volatile). Still there is always the Lichtenstein market.”

    LMFAO

  • Woolwich Peripatetic

    The United flotation is fascinating, I urge anyone, whether you are pro-Wenger or anti-Wenger or just an Arsenal fan like me, to read it. Healthy, well run organisations do not do things like file their last set of good accounts (it means any smart investor will steer well clear) instead of their latest, nor do they litter their investment brochure with a thousand caveats about ageing managerial and playing staff, difficult recruitment markets etc.

  • insideright

    If I remember correctly the document that was issued by Man Utd. to support their now defunct share float specifically said that if they do not raise money to clear down debts their future ability to compete at the top of the EPL will be seriously hampered. Or words to that effect.
    A couple of days ago SAF stated that, unlike Man City, his club would be putting emphasis on bringing through youngsters from within to fill the gaps in their first team squad.
    Let’s not assume that they are in meltdown or anything like it but those debts, coupled with their inability to get sponsorship rights attached to their stadium (in common with Liverpool, Chelsea, Spurs and many others) will indeed hamper them in the battle to become FFP acceptable. Interesting times.

  • WalterBroeckx

    Olympics thoughts: Arsene if you were watching: PLEASE PLEASE don’t buy any of those Japanese strikers. Great players but…. my god what a poor finishing….

  • Goona Gal

    Firstly, I would like to say that I really like this article as it covers a lot, rather well.

    I remember being with a few others when I found out that London had got the Olympics, there was inital joy amongst the group and then the conversation turned to how many days into the event before it all got embarassing and traffic in the city ground it to a halt. I am glad I didn’t wager, as I guessed 4 days, but the North Korea flag thing on the 1st day is a classic! Though I must confess with regards to the Olympics, I have caught the fever! Today I saw the torch being carried through the bright and sunny streets of London and really cheered along with all, which was great fun.

    I love the track and field events especially, though I was not able to get a ticket to anything! However I will be trying to follow the Arsenal supporting competitors as much as possible regardless.

  • Goona Gal

    Moving on to Man U – It seems like they didn’t do their homework or get a read of the market situation at all. I kept hearing that analysts were questioning why they were floating a UK based ‘soccer’ team in New York at all especially in the recession it was not a viable addition to a fund portfolio as there is no sound business model in place and it was difficult to see the areas of significant growth still available, making it quite risky.

    If anything, I can see the Glazers selling a chunk, with voting rights to a Middle Eastern state or something like that if their financial woes don’t turn around. Are Man U too big to fail? I don’t know, but I am really begining to suspect their debts estimated to be around 1/2 bn is on the conservative side. It makes me appreciate a little more the way Arsenal FC is run. Football needs an outbreak of sanity.

  • Goona Gal

    You know when I read that stuff about ‘arry, I thought that guy has a flipping cheek! I can’t imagine him giving up his wages if the tables were turned.

    As for Liverpool, it’s wrong if they are purposefully chosing to ignore the spirit of their end of the agreement.

    If Aaron Ramsey isn’t going to play in this Team GB, then he should do a Gareth Bale!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I just received this joke in an e-mail ,titled ” The Olympic
    jokes have started “,and thought that you may like a laugh .

    A scotsman ,an Englishman and an Indian want to get in but they don’t have tickets .
    The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover and tucks it under his arm and walks up to the gate .
    ” McTavish,Scotland “,he says,”Discus ” and in he walks .
    The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
    “Waddington-Smythe ,England “, he says ,”Pole vault ” and in he walks .
    The Indian looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
    “Santa Singh ,India “,he says ,”Fencing ” !

  • Goona Gal

    @ Brickfields – you joker!

    I am watching the weird opening ceremony at the moment, but will reserve judgement until the end – if I can stick with it.

  • Adam

    Since the jokes are coming out.
    An Englishman, Welshman and Indian are standing outside a maternity ward. The midwife says “look fellas the boys have been mixed up im sorry”. The lads look at each other sheepishly, Then the Englishman makes a run for it and pushes past the midwife onto the ward. Within two minutes he returns holding the Indian baby in his arms and says to the Indian “Sorry fella I can’t take the chance one of them in there is Welsh”.

  • Woolwich Peripatetic

    It’s tough to see where United go from here – the club needs massive investment (if your two best midfielders are pushing forty you have problems) in a market where someone else is hoovering up all the available talent with unlimited funds and the owners are basically broke. They need to pay off the debt AND invest in the team, all told at least half a billion pounds is required which may require the Glazers to sell 49% of the club on the FTSE, with full voting and dividend rights.