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Police raid Chelsea terror centre, and Arsenal announce surprise team for match

London police have seized half a tonne of footballing equipment in buildings that they say were being used as a base by the terrorist football separatist group “KGB Fulham”

The discovery of the dump, which included shirts, boots, and grass cutting equipment, was made in the early hours of saturday morning.

Fake driving licences, cars capable of doing 200mph and imitation plastic lawyers were also found, along with the private addresses of 23 ladies who were said to be the lovers of members of the KGB “football” team, and 2874 private passes to the training ground, the police said.  143 underworld characters disguised as either journalists or crabs (it was hard to tell which according to the report) were noticed scuttling from the scene as the police arrived.   Later they also recovered 37 blank player transfer contract forms in an envelope marked, “Use these next time we get done for child trafficking”

A militant group who have been active in the area for over 100 years fighting for an independent Russian state within the Knightsbridge area of London have been blamed.

I caught up with Chief Inspector Billy “The Dog” McGraw at the Strumpets Rest, a public house just off White Hart Lane, next door to the Cavity Wall Brothel, and he gave me the low-down.

“The Met has had its eye on the West London KGB for some time,” he told me.  “Fortunately the modern day London police force has long since left behind the old ‘bobby on the beat’ approach and we use contemporary intelligence gathering to do our job, ‘ello ‘ello whats all this here then?”

“Can you give me an example?” I asked, offering the Chief another pint of rum.

“The Met has been watching the so-called ‘football club’ since 1905 when it took over a coal yard called ‘The Stamford Bridge’ and claimed it was a football ground,” he told me.  “Of course we knew they were up to no good then when they bribed their way into the League without having a team or any history of playing football.”

“I know this,” I said, “There was an article on ‘Making the Arsenal’ about it the other day.”

“Indeed you’ll know this, because of that article in Making the Arsenal,” said the Chief Inspector, “but I was just adding verisimilitude for any reader who missed that deep and informative piece of impassioned research and deviant incisiveness.

“The big tip off came when that Ashley Cole manifestation was caught exceeding the speed of light in Chiswick High Street, claiming he thought he was only doing Mac 4.  We knew he was up to no good when his solicitor demanded 21 days to pay the fine of 55p.”

“So you think Cole is broke?” I said.

“More than that,” said Billy.  “He’s sold his soul to the KGB.   As a result he prowls the streets at night biting the heads off innocent tulips and quoting Lewis Carol.  So naturally we had to raid the KGB headquaters pretty damn quick, or ‘PDQ’ as we say down the Yard, now then now then.   Stealing the souls of footballers is a crime that has been growing of late, and we need to stamp it out before the Second Coming, otherwise people like the Cole being will be damned to eternal torment.”

“Are you saying Ashley Cole works for the KGB? or are you saying he is the agent of Satan?” I said.

“Both,” said Billy.  “I thought everyone knew that.  You should stop writing all these bloggy-woggy things and get out more.  Get some fresh air in your lungs.  Would you care for a trip around the training ground?  I’ve got an insider who can fix you up with a tour.  £20,000 for the two hour trip.”

“I went to Enfield last week,” I protested, as I declined the offer, and changing the subject asked Billy to tell me about the team for the match.

“Arsenal are going to make radical changes,” he told me.  He took a greasy piece of paper from his pocket and laid it on the table as the barmaid offered us, and we said no.

Willie McTell

Robert Johnson, Bob Dylan, Seasick Steve, Skip James

WC Handy (captain) , Diddley Bow, Lafayette Ron Hubbard,

Andre Arshavin, Lemon Jefferson, Lonnie Johnson.

“I’m a bit worried about the midfield,” I said.

Billy agreed, it was troublesome.  “However I have my best man Inspector Ivor Taser standing by and he should be able to sort anything out.  Anyway you have to spot the odd ones out and win a prize.”

“Apparently Arsenal have no fans left, so I’ll be the only one entering,” I told him.   “Everyone has resigned their membership, and the club is liable to be relegated to the Conference after this match, according to the Norwegian Supporters Club.  There was a letter earlier that announced that.”

Billy disagreed.   “I think the Conference believe that the club’s finances are so out of alignment from everyone else’s they want Arsenal to go into the Southern League first, so they can regain the art of borrowing endless amounts of money that they can’t pay back.”

“Is that what lower level clubs do?” I asked.

“It worked for Weymouth,” he said.

“What about tax?”

“Owing billions to the Revenue is very important – otherwise the club is liable to lose its licence to play football.   Revenue and Customs already think  Arsenal are a front organisation for biscuit smuggling enterprise based in Seattle, and to counter this Arsenal are planning to have a whip round of supporters, raise half a million pounds, and then confess that we can’t spend it on players but have to give it to the Prince Charles.”

“I think Cardiff have already done that,” I said, “we really ought to be innovative.”

“So what do you suggest?” asked Billy, ordering another pint of rum plus a glass of mineral water for me.

“It’s quite hard,” I told him.  “Almost all the clubs are owned by crooks and they have pulled off every scam imaginable.  In fact at the last Chester City game there was a crowd of 3,250 of whom 3,247 were owners of other clubs signing up to the local “How to Screw Money Out of Your Local Football Club” course that they run each week in Liverpool.   Get quite a few people in from Manchester, I’m told.   We need a new blog where regular supporters can feel connected to their clubs by sending in new scams that haven’t been tried yet.”

“Some clubs get through,” said Billy.   “Derby did – the crooks are in jail and the club is slowly rebuilding.   They’ve got that manager – what’s his name…”

“Our number 9,” I said.

“Funny name for a manager,” he said.

“His father Christened him that,” I replied.  “But you are right.  Derby did it, and that is great.  I like Derby – nice ground, regular supporters who stay with the club no matter what.”

Another waitress approached but Billy brushed her away brusquely.  “You’re writing another book,” he said. “I can tell.”

I admitted the idea had crossed my mind and he demanded the title.

“Corrupting Football,” I told him.  “Set in the present day.”

“Is it funny?” he asked.

“It’s got Tottenham in it,” I said.

————————————–

ANNOUNCEMENTS (read them, they are really neat)

Football3s is a new free to play, in match, fantasy football experience which you play in real-time whilst watching the live televised game.  We are featuring Arsenal’s match with Liverpool next Wednesday.

Players also have the chance to win £100. Please take a look at our
site: http://football3s.com

How Chelsea fixed their way into the league click here

The doings of Henry Norris, click here

Untold Arsenal is moving over to two posts a day.  If you have an article you would like to have published here send it to Tony@hamilton-house.com  But it must be within our general areas of interest and philosophy and must not be published by or on offer to other blogs.   We tend to say yes or no within a day or so.

Ashley Cole dolls complete with pins to stick in are available from The Voodoo Doll Shop, 221b Kensington High Street, London.

Note to legal teams: This article is classified as post-modernist irony with occasional bouts of surrealism under the Public Health Act 1917.

(c) Tony Attwood 2010, Omega Street, Enfield-on-Sea.

23 comments to Police raid Chelsea terror centre, and Arsenal announce surprise team for match

  • Jonny

    BOOM! First!

    etc..

    Sorry – thought I was on ‘Le Groan’ with all the other plankton.

    God stuff, Sir Tony…

  • Jonny

    Sorry, I meant ‘good’ rather than ‘god’, you’ll have to settle with knighthood or knight’hod’ status for the moment.

    You can’t be a god unless you actually know the meaning of 42.

  • walter

    LOL Who is that Andre in our line up 😉 Never heard of him before.

    Only 37 blank players contract ? They surely are just small criminals then.

    What a great way to summarize things Tony. Really enjoyed it.

  • Come on guys this is not good enough.

    What links all these names together and who are the odd ones out.

    For goodness sake – you are not trying are you?

  • critic

    “How do you feel about Arsene Wenger and Andrei Arshavin?” in arsenal mania….a very nice article..very balanced…and very true……people will leave if arsenal don’t win trophies…that’s a fact…fab has for the first time this season has come out said “yes he wants to go to barcelona”….it doesn’t only include players but fans…whatever u call them plastic or poythene and that will effect arsenal’s global appeal….and u all will keep chanting financial foul…whatever…and i think arshavin is already fed up with arsenal….he’s already out of world cup and i don’t think he can play another one…so it will be club success that will matter to him…which clearly is not possible with arsenal…..may be half of the bloggers will leave to..and u still be chanting financial foul….lol…ur a funny man tony…. funny man….u will make fans laugh on other teams during destruction of arsenal…may be last line was bit inspired by D n G group….

    but maybe players and all other fans are not patient enough like u guys…

  • walter

    Well I’m going to give it a go Tony and I think we have a very musical line up with all musicians and Arshavin is going to play the first fiddle tomorrow.

  • walter

    Critic in the years that Wenger won prizes, before the Emirates every year players left us. It is part of football. Anelka, Overmars, Vieira all left after a season when we won things.

    And if Cesc tells it to me personally or on Arsenal.com then I will take it but not because ‘someone’ has said that Cesc will leave now because we don’t win anything.

    Have you so little faith in our captain ?

  • walter

    I think we are playing the blues tomorrow, Tony and like I said, Arshavin will be our conductor and orchestrator.

  • Jonny

    They’re all blues musicians, except for Arshavin who is a tiny, tiny footballer who we have yet to see the best of, and L Ron Hubbard, who was a cosmic twat, who left a corrosive legacy.

    I’m guessing the link is the Blues i.e – Chelsea?

  • biggy

    So why was Arshavin the only one to survive the cull. Was it for his selfish play or for diring to suggetst that we lack class? Love him or hate him he is still a great player, and I am glad he is on our side.

  • biggy

    Walter: I have to admit that my faith in our captain has been sourly tempted. Everyone loves their home town, but in the context that he is raising the issue, I am not so sure that he was thinking about retirement homes in Barcelona. This must be the first time an Arsenal captain is professing love for another club while very much a part of the Arsenal family

  • Yes its the Blues, they are all blues singers, and Laf Ron Hub was a sci author turned creator of the scientology religion but his name sounds as if he ought to have been a blues singer.

    I put in Arshavin because looking at him he could have been a white man singing the blues, and I had run out of blues singers whom I really admire, and the other oddity, just for fun is the Diddley Bow which is a one string guitar from which Bo Diddley took his name – and which Seasick Steve sings about on his latest CD.

    And if you read “Making The Arsenal” you’ll know that Jacko gets totally hung up on singing “Rich Man’s Blues” after hearing it at the pub.

    Tonight I watched the French movie “Tell No One” which is utterly, totally, amazingly sensational. Now its late and I am tired.

    But life’s fun ain’t it?

  • walter

    About what Cesc really has said: again it has been quotes in Spanish media like I have said before never trust the English or Spanish media as they have an own agenda and are not there to tell us the truth. Their only goal is making money by producing story’s and fairytales.

    Better remember what he said in arsenal media: ‘If I would leave without winning anything with Arsenal than this would mean failure to me, and I don’t want to fail.”

  • Peter

    Very enjoyable read as per the norm. Thanks, also, for the tip about the movie – downloading right now! It’s impossible to find it here in NE Thailand, so…
    Woke up about an hour ago having dreamed that we won 1-0 at Chel$ki – hope that dram comes true!
    Looking forward to your next post.

  • tim

    Bob Dylan and L. Ron Hubbard in the same team? That’s just blasphemous.

  • Tony your screwing around with my thetans mate! Fuzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

  • On a more serious note.. we get stripped off 6 points if Portsmouth go bust, and there is a good chance that they’ll.. how on earth is that fair? I know that all the others would probably thump them just like they got thumped today by the mancs but still.. its not fair.. Life is like a box of chocolates (aint it now?)

  • Jonny

    0.9 where did you hear that? I have no knowledge of this and can’t find anything on it.

    It’s an interesting poser though – if they collapse as a club mid-season and every team was then stripped of the points they had gained against them the real winners would be Liverpool, who lost 2-0 not so long ago.

  • The only precedent I can remember from my 2000 years of watching football is Accrington Stanley going bust in the 1960s when this is exactly what did happen.

    They went kerphut half way through the season, and all the results against them were cancelled from the record and there were a few interesting adjustments to places.

    My bet is that they won’t do this, and will go into administration (or have they done that already – it has been going on so long I can’t remember). It will be another Leeds.

    As far as I can recall, again just working from memory, Portsmouth have been in the 4th division, and with Southampton in the lower reaches they can perhaps play local derbies again.

    As for Arsenal’s fans leaving look at the crowds for 1969/70 when we came 12th and 1970/71 when we won it. There was an upsurge in attendances for the last four home games in 1971 but otherwise the figures were much the same.

    There is a regular level of support at Arsenal, 40,000 season ticket holders, a ten year waiting list that will not evaporate over night, and a lot of nutters like me who would queue up to see them in the Southern League.

  • nicky

    On the law of averages, over the last 80 years, Arsenal are more likely to win this one than win a home game against Portsmouth!

  • GodWoreTen

    Hi Tony,
    Looking over your team, I notice your striker is blind! A courageous tactic but perhaps a little risky? Would have been 2-3 otherwise I expect.

  • Rhys Jaggar

    Did your friendly copper get done for not being sufficiently drunk to get back into his motor, then??

  • @ Johnny: Sorry for the late one.. but I read it on ESPN- STAR.. you know that sports site that have a heck a lot of typos.. Personally, I feel it wont happen.. but like u said, it is an interesting poser…