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The North London Derby Twutter update

By Remak Kwen

A few bitter sweet thoughts presented and sponsored to you by Untold Twutter, the home of bitter sweet football news.

Today a special North London Derby one featuring:

The good: Cazorla, the bad: Adebye, the ugly: the totts

Everybody enjoyed the chicken meal last Saturday evening? Well I did. It tasted that good I had two pieces. Largely the same pieces. While eating the second piece I thought to myself: I have had this before. But I’ll have it back any day

After last year’s disaster the totts changed the manager, they changed the keeper but the outcome still was the same. Oh you have heard that one before didn’t you? Oh well if it didn’t make you smile again you probably are a chicken lover.

You got to give it to the  totts they sure can make the Gooners happy most of the time. In fact if they wouldn’t exist being a Gooner would only be half the fun. But then again this will be the same for every other derby  between close rivals I guess. And their managers also are very funny persons.

Let us start with their former manager. Arry. Arry said in some late night show that the totts would finish above Arsenal. Well if it comes to sacking more managers they will Arry. I think Arsenal has in their entire history had had fewer managers than the totts in the last 10 years. That might be a bit exaggerated maybe but will not be far off the truth.

Kompany lost the chance to ever become a regular pundit seconds later when he said Arsenal was the best team they had played against this season. They had forgotten to say to  Vincent what the party line was. Or he didn’t want to follow it. Or he was just being honest (a rarity on Match of the Day). I think I saw him think, when Arry said his line “totts will finish above Arsenal”: ”Oh my God is he really that stupid?”

Just for fun I was interested to see if the totts would launch a DVD of this game so I entered the forbidden ground. You don’t know what a person has to do to write for Untold….  Anyhow on the front page you wouldn’t know the totts had a game this weekend. Nowhere the score is mentioned. Nowhere the opponent is mentioned.

Maybe they think: if we don’t mention it people will not know about it. Well we know about it. So for any one who doesn’t know it by now: Arsenal 5 – totts 2. Oh and I don’t think a DVD will be available in the shop any time soon. But the wins from the U21 and U18 against Stoke are very much highlighted. Maybe they can put those wins on a DVD?

Did you know the totts are trying to imitate us? We have the armoury of course and this is just as the canon a reminder of our origins of the gun factory. The totts are advertising on their website something about a road to glory. A picture of a Roman cobblestone road as a background. I think this will be a picture from the way White Hart Lane looked at the time they last won the league. Anyhow in the advertising picture they used the title: Under ARMOUR. Oh well they are probably just trying to be Arsenal-light I think.

Andre Villas-Boas was in a parallel universe during the game. Claiming his side was in control for 90 minutes. It made our win even better.  And funnier.

Some say that the totts were in control before the sending off from Adebye. Untold checked the facts. Being in control is very much having the ball. So what did we find? Well that we lost one minute of game time almost for the totts goal celebration. 55 seconds to be precise. Technically the ball was in Arsenal possession but I didn’t count that time at all.

So until 16:34 the moment Adebye said bye when launching himself to a red card Arsenal had the ball for 443 seconds. And the totts for 466 seconds. And 55 seconds the game was dead. In percentages 49% for Arsenal and 51% for the totts. This looks rather balanced if you ask me.

Arsenal just score 3-1 while typing this. Love Arsenal player by the way. Do I see the first open spaces in the totts away block? No they will probable have been queuing up for a nice Arsenal cappuccino.

Meanwhile Adebye is another sad example on a player leaving Arsenal thinking to go on and beat the world. Playing Arsenal is followed by a 3 game ban on a few occasions now. Kicking the Dutch traitor in the face at City (I think it all went wrong from there…), now being sent off for a dangerous tackle on Cazorla. I’m starting to like him again to be honest. Not for the tackle but for being stupid.

The AAA has gone quiet a bit. But their only writer still has kept posting the same comment on each side under a different name. A doom and gloom comment of course. Maybe he is living in the same universe as Villas-Boas?

Silent Stan has made it public in a closed circle that he will go and sponsor the AAA and whatever black scarves and bin bag protesters we have around Arsenal. Each time they come above water and threaten to do a protest we have a big win. So please our dear friends of the AAA, black scarves, bin bags, march organisers, continue the good work for Arsenal. I demand a protest for each and every game!

By the way I think the new noise level raising system that we made public  (an exclusive) last week did work. You sang you heart out. As it should be. But not just against the totts please. Just do it each game!

Tottenham have a song they sing, “North London is ours, north London is ours, fuck of to Woolwich, north London is ours.”  In the interest of accuracy, the point should be made that

a) Woolwich Arsenal never played in Woolwich, they played in Plumstead

b) Until the 1960s, Tottenham was in Middlesex.

Thus the song might work with some reference to “We came to north London 50 years after Arsenal, and have been looking at moving to Stratford.”   Doesn’t quite scan, but I am sure someone can work on it.

Till twutters…

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19 comments to The North London Derby Twutter update

  • avatar LRV

    I very much enjoyed reading this piece. Thank you.

  • avatar John

    MOTD and others ramble on incessantly about 7 years without a trophy, this year Spurs will overtake Arsenal etc etc…. Similar themes with Sky pundits.. including a bitter ex-Arsenal player (not Charlie Nicholas)… ITV “experts” Keane and Southgate, who criticise Arsene Wenger, (no doubt on the basis of their own distinguished managerial track records, similar to Souness, who has been an outstanding success as a manager….)

    We are well used to this total “sh….” and should simply ignore it, except to enjoy the occasions when our team wipes the silly smile off Lineker’s face.

  • avatar rantetta

    Oh yes, Remak.

    “Arsenal had the ball for 443 seconds. And the totts for 466 seconds. And 55 seconds the game was dead. In percentages 49% for Arsenal and 51% for the totts.”

    I love it, and the rest of this piece. Thanks.

  • avatar WalterBroeckx

    Poor Remak, visiting the spuds website…. Tony get him disinfected will you ;-)

  • avatar Stroller

    I’ve long given up on MOTD for an any sort of balanced opinion on Arsenal. If we win Hansen talks through gritted teeth and gives minimum praise, usually to just one player.

    ‘Arry on Saturday was a complete joke. Probably included on the expectation of a Spurs success, he could only repeat for the umpteenth season how they would finish above us because of their ‘better squad’. Vincent Kompany stared ahead with the look you have on realising you’ve sat on the vacant seat next to a wierdo on a crowded bus.

    Lineker and Hansen were probably disappointed that they couldn’t make any sort of case against Adebayor’s sending off.

  • avatar Norm

    Cheers, Remak. It is good to read amusing pieces like this. Hope you will contribute some more. I’ve been in and out of hospital lately and it is a fact, confirmed by my consultant, that results of this magnitude really are the best medicine. My continuing recovery needs another good win in CL now please.

  • avatar Lobster

    We are 2 and a half times better than the Spuds. PERIOD. The last two scorelines say so. Our stadium says so. Our European competition says so and probably our possession in this years games say so too!

  • avatar Mick

    @Stroller
    As well as saying that Totts have a better squad he then stupidly contradicted himself by using the excuse of spuds having two or three players injured. So their ‘better squad’ is not able to cope with a couple of injuries then.

  • avatar Matt Clarke

    Another UA gem from Remak – thank you :)

    “I think this will be a picture from the way White Hart Lane looked at the time they last won the league” – Brilliant!

    And a new way of viewing the AAA. I am more cheered by that than the score. (Depressing ingrates and irrational idiots that they are).

    Not finished there, you take the wind right out of the Spud sails:
    “We came to north London 50 years after Arsenal, and have been looking at moving to Stratford.” – Priceless.

  • avatar nicky

    I can’t help feeling that the Spanish equivalent of Lady Luck was with Santi Cazorla on Saturday. I shudder at each repeat of the Loose Cannon’s attack on his foot which has no right to be still attached to his leg. Shades of Eduardo and Ramsey.

  • avatar bjtgooner

    I think the reason ‘Arry thinks that the Spuds will finish above Arsenal is that he has problems counting up to five…..

    Maybe Rosie could help?

  • avatar Pat

    Fun article!
    Especially the song at the end.
    That gave me a good laugh!

  • avatar walter

    Nicky,
    Cazorla has very quick feet and that saved him. If he would have been on the floor I think they still would be busy looking for parts of his knee on the field.

    If you go towards a player like that you deserve a red card. Someone who says otherwise has no clue of the rules and the instructions..

    Intent is no longer needed. The possible force you use and throwing a big body like Adebayor towards an opponent like that is major force…

  • avatar nicky

    Walter,
    You’re right, but we seem to be regular recipients of attacks by loose cannons like Shawcross, Barton and now Adebayour. I use the word “attacks” advisedly because they cannot be classed as fouls. A one-match ban seems hardly enough punishment.

  • avatar ARSENAL 13

    @ Walter and Nicky…

    I think we should come up with a solution for all this. A light weight ballistic grade shin guard and ankle guard…………(our ordnance factory roots)……

  • avatar Asif

    On a different note…I felt that for once even Web had a decent game…he got most of his critical decisions correct!

  • avatar Gouresh

    funny article. webb for a change was good.

  • avatar Brickfields Gunners

    Once again ,nice work ,Kwen – really enjoyed this .Thanks .
    As for all the negativity from the pundits ,maybe its not all a conspiracy against us ,but rather a collective ‘head in the sand ‘contagious idiocy ?
    Being ignorant of his ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.
    Or maybe they are all just dickheads !