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THE OFFICIAL ARSENAL TRANSFER DELUSION

THE OFFICIAL ARSENAL TRANSFER DELUSION

Don McMahon

I’m getting very bored over this January transfer window and have decided that a laconic, barely legible piece about a rumour I fear is circulating in the Albania media, would be appropriate for this festive season. So here goes.

It is understood by the Albanian terrorists, from sources closely linked to Hairy Redknapper’s dog, that Arsenal’s chief lackey and dishwasher Manuel Allmoony was seen in Barcelona watching Real Zaragoza’s junior scout Assinine Itzashame who was showing an ill-disguised and distressing interest in Lionel Messi and Xavi Alonso, among a half-dozen other Braca players.

Apparently, unconfirmed and totally unreliable sources have linked Arsene Wenger with a bold, desperate and dashing move to bring both players to the Emirates in exchange for Squillaci and Arshavin, plus an undisclosed, unverifiable, really astronomical sum of 400 million Euros.

The Mail desperately wants to believe that the above entirely fictitious and flatulent fabulations are marginally possible and that Wenger, whose 7.72333549889 trophyless years has firmly entrenched his fading reputation in permanent crisis mode, is eager to transfer anyone over 7 years old and with at least one working limb, and limited experience in cleaning EPL washrooms, in the January transfer window.

It is also reported by unknown and unverified sources that Ivan Gazidis will have a sex-change operation in order to further Arsene Wenger’s master plan to tap up and poach the entire Barcelona first team as a means to ensure his  rarely mentioned  and oft-ignored 7-8 year trophyless streak comes to a vainglorious end.

The Guardian erroneously but insistently reports that Usmanov and Dein will be married at Whitechapel this coming forthnight or thereabouts, thereby making official that which was common knowledge and will ask Sir Alex Ferguson to be the best man, considering that he owns the EPL and the PGMOL.

But if false rumours are to be believed, the bridesmaid will be Mike Riley (in drag) since SAF is currently indisposed with an extra-limpid red nose and Riley looks good in pink. Meanwhile Wenger is touted to be ready to step up his efforts to snatch Cesc Fabregas back from the evil clutches of the Barcaloonies with an outlandishly frugal bid, reported to be in the thousands of Spanish Dubloonies ( supposedly the new IRA currency).

The Club has been linked by the scurrilous yellow media with the usual suspects during the silly season and strong, malodorous reports emanating from Hairy Kidnappers outhouse suggest that we are in for the entire QPR, Tiny Totts and Dagenham United reserve teams as Wenger looks to bolster his chances of ruining the Arsenal, before the AAA and Usmanov can. He has been put on alert by the London Metropolitan police that Nicholas Bendtner, currently floundering in the Juventus summer house with his flashy green shorts around his ankles, will be traded to Dagenham United for some North Yorkshire pudding and a cartload of fish and chips from Finland, courtesy of Karl Jenkinson’s aunt.

Apparently Plimsol United of the Alcoholics Anonymous league (not to be confused with another website) are eager to hold talks with the cleaning lady at the Emirates over a possible loan deal involving Wenger’s daughter and wife, as well as Arshavin, Squillaci, Fabianski, Dein the younger and UA’s own Tony Attwood on a long-term deal worth 5 Kuwaiti dinar, 2 bottles of shaving cream and a rabid dog.  Reported talks are going a la Walcott but PSG has indicated that they may hijack any discussions about the dog, since they are planning to have a Bar-B-Que for Ibrahimovich’s 55th birthday in the not-too distant future.

In more distressing news, the French nation has reported that Arsenal target and International porn star Fifi LePoo is set to sign for crosstown rivals Teatingham for a reported 345 million baguettes. We have been linked with this creature from the founding of the AAA back in 1904 with Wenger expressing outrage and general indifference to the clearly spurious rumours emanating from France.

Ill-considered reports are suggesting that Wenger’s Gallic mood swings will lead to a January 2022 bid for the unsettled dilettante in a blind and almost ambitiously ambiguous move to beat his crosstown rivals to the prize. The AAA have been quoted by the British press as being totally disinterested, giving considerable credence to this fortituous and fervently ignored rumour.

Well, that’s all the news that is unworthy of the UA website and totally unfit to print, or in this case unfit to cyberprint but stay tuned (or whatever one does on the net) for future breaking-wind rumours, idle gossip, unfounded speculation and misdirection during,before and after the transfer windows. Now if only we could win a few!!

39 comments to THE OFFICIAL ARSENAL TRANSFER DELUSION

  • I’d like to deny the rumour about me, but would add that I thought the “almost ambitiously ambiguous move” to be one of the best phrases Untold has ever published.

  • ClockEndRider

    Expect to read more than one of the above fabulations on goal.com, soccernet and the Daily Mail imminently……..

  • Shevo

    Hahahahahahahahahahah!
    Love it.
    I’ve stopped reading the crap being made up about our supposed transfer targets ages ago. As if Arsene would let on who his targets are so scum like Shitty and a Chelski can gazump him. He knows his targets and will announce as and when he his done and dusted.

    ARSENE KNOWS BUT HE JUST AIN’T SAYING..YET!!

  • Shevo

    @Clockendrider.
    Of that I’ve no doubt mate

  • Andy Mack

    AW hasn’t denied any of this, so it must be true!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Mandy Dodd

    just read the daily undisputed facts this morning, apparently Wenger is going to Real and we are getting some German manager from Dortmund. Sounds like a load of Klopp to me

  • kosovo

    fuc* you, dont say albanian terrorrist caus we are not terr. Shitt

  • Eddy

    “We have 2 players for every position”…the only problem is that our 4th choice centre back is someone that would send shivers up the spine of any Arsenal fan,if it is indeed Squillaci,if it isn’t,who is?and who is our 2nd choice striker?…Walcott isn’t a centre forward and hasn’t troubled decent defences when playing in that position.Gervinho isn’t a footballer and Chamakh is useless.Manchester United hav 4 decent players in that position and have just added Zaha.It is irresponsible,stubborn and unambitious to leave us in a situation where one injury to Giroud leaves us without a recognised centre forward.Our Manager premotes the ridicule that he receives from within and outaide the club by failing to recognise glaring weaknesses in our squad.Playing fast and furious with loyal fans money,adding crap to the squad,on ridiculous long term contracts and then sending them out on loan,1 year later,whilst we cover 3/4’s of their bloated salaries.The Board put profit before success and our manager is now so deluded that he spouts crap continiiously about our squad being strong enough to challenge for the major trophies when we all know it is a pipe dream.Something is wrotten at The Arsenal and the smell is eminating from the owner’s rarely occupied office all the way down to our pampered,over paid 2nd string players.

  • kosovo

    we are not terrorist we are victim of terror and genocid from Serbia and milloshevic .I am speaking like a albanian from kosovo

  • ClockEndRider

    Eddy,
    Blimey, best your kept away from sharp implements today. I suggest a course of Prozac to lighten your mood. All is not not necessarily well but that doesn’t mean everything is, in your words, “wrotten”.

  • Andrew Crawshaw

    A wonderful piece, thank you so much for the best belly laugh I have had in ages. Love it!

  • Shard

    Just the kind of wonderfully crazy piece I love to see on Untold. Brilliant 😀

  • Eddy

    Mis spelt rotten yes,ClockEnd Rider but anyone who pays Chamakh etc etc etc to sit around,doing fuck all to help the club,whilst 4th place is the best we can now hope for each year,in The premiership,surely has the right to be aggrieved.On a percentage basis,I hold Arsene far less culpable than Kroenke and his lying lapdog Glazidis but drive and ambition has to come from the top and we are lacking in a coordinated plan for success.I have been(get in there Brentford!)going for 35 years and lack of ambition will never be forgiven for long(see the reaction to George Graham’s slide down the table with average players).Yes my analysis maybe a little downbeat but I honestly believe we are going backwards as a club and it gives many a loyal Arsenal fan sleepless nights worrying where the change for the better will come.My belief in the Board has sunk so low that a takeover by the revolting crook Usminov no longer fills me with dread.

  • Phil

    Walcott, Podolski cover us nicely at CF. If you rate United’s “four options” I’m srprised – Welbeck frustrates United fans, Hernandez is best off the bench and Rooney hasn’t been a world class player for a very long time.

    I’ll take our depth, thanks!

  • Eddy

    Sorry to labour the point Phil but exactly when did you see Podoski play thru the middle and inspire you to believe that that is his best position and sorry Walcott appears to be a flat track bully in that position ie Reading and Newcastle are put to the sword but he looks one dimensional against better defences thru the middle.It is personal opinion but as Patrick Vieira said “the truth is on the pitch” and League position is now reflective of that “truth”

  • Adam

    I don’t get it? I have looked everywhere and cannot confirm any of these outlandish reports? I even contacted Zaragosa about Assinine Itzashame and all I got back was a picture of Mike reilly, again I don’t understand?

  • Eddy

    The image of that lanky string of piss Mike Riley in drag,is not one I wish to hold for too long!

  • Eddy

    Once again “come on Brenford”…and “Leeds,Leeds,Leeds”…doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue,that last song but needs must.Have a good day and Luton at home in the 5th Round would do nicely.

  • nicky

    My Gran (who cleans at the Emirates and who was voted Miss Harpic of 1932) wishes it to be known that she is NOT the cleaning lady referred to by Don McMahon in his scurrilous post. Just because he is one of the so-called top Dons in the Mafia, he thinks he can say anything he likes about M., Mme et Mlle Wenger.
    No more cheeky stuff about Le Patron and his famille until January 2014 when all three can take action under Bosman.

  • Matt Clarke

    Thanks Don for your relentless rumour research.

    A couple of obvious questions arise:

    “The Guardian erroneously but insistently reports that Usmanov and Dein will be married at Whitechapel…”

    As you say, obviously wrong. Whitechapel ! pfft. Where are they to wed?

    What position will FiFi play? And, is she any relation to FiFa LePoo?

  • Sammy The Snake

    There’s probably more truth in your article than many of the transfer “news” going around.

  • Mandy Dodd

    And out go the Totts, congratulations Leeds, but spare a thought for large swathes of the UK sports media at this difficult time

  • uk

    Yaaaaawwwwwnnnn!

  • bjtgooner

    An interesting and amusing article. Obviously the AAA sewer rats do not have a sense of humour.

    @Mandy – good comment.

  • Arun

    Well, that’s the end of cup run for Liverpool as well.

  • Mandy Dodd

    incredible…..Oldham, Brentford, Luton Town, MK Dons, Leeds, Brighton….some very impressive performances by the so called under-dogs this weekend.

  • Arun

    Blackburn next at home. This is definitely winnable. Gives a good chance of rest for our key players right before the Bayern home game.

  • mick

    Incredible indeed Mandy. By the way, what happened to Harry’s legendary motivational skills yesterday?

  • Eddy

    I can’t see the Press in general giving their beloved “have a go heroes from
    The Lane”,a hard time.The SubStandard sums up a large number of our Press’ s strategy when reporting on Sp*rs;…don’t even cover the story of a loss but run a 4 page “disaster” story if their rivals lose at the weekend.James Olley is truelly revolting with his constant references to “8 baron years”…etc etc but I can’t ever recall ever reading a reference to the fact that it has been 52 years since his team won The League.

  • Arvind

    Fantastic stuff Don. Loved it 🙂

  • Domhuaille MacMathghamhna

    Thanks to everyone whose sense of humour could handle this article, now in response to those who didn’t read it before commenting, those who did and added rye comments and those who did but took it as God’s truth:

    1)Kosovo- My intent was NOT to say all Albanian’s are terrorists, but that a tiny few might be, just like any other nationality, including my own could potentially harbour such deviants – the Albanian connection just seemed suitable since terrorists seem to be the flavour of the decade,so smile and take a load off your shoulders – no police will arrest you for stating your opinion just yet.
    2)Eddy – I am totally mystified by your diatribe and rant, and poor spelling,syntax and grammar, that had nothing to do with my prose…..I suggest a valium and chocolate x-lax before visiting the UA website next time…one will calm you down and the other evacuate any negative tendencies you may feel need excreting here.
    3)Nicky – I stand suitably chastised as I was totally unaware that it was your grannie who Rooney tried to shag at the busstop on Seven Sisters Road, mistakenly believing that she was ‘Arry Redknapp’s dog. The last time he did that canine thing, the bitch produced John Terry.
    4)Matt: You are absolutely spot on, apparently the ceremony will be held in Westminster at midnight on Robbie Burns day.
    Fifi is the 2nd cousin to Fifa LePoo and since both practice the world’s oldest profession, there will be a right bollocking time apparently as Fifi will play centre backward, a new Greek formation.
    5)UK – took your valium too early?
    6)Mandy – apparently ‘Arry Redknapp dog is now the underdog!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Thanks Dom , your’re so bad that you’re so damn good !

  • Eddy

    Domhuaille MacMathghamhna
    the original piece was a humourous(in parts)look at how ridiculous stories,regarding Arsenal’s transfer activity,can be run by some of the media outlets.Unfortunately my ability to see the funny side of the piece was tempered by the fact that I strongly believe that our club desperately needs strengthening in 2 positions and the Manager/owner is refusing to do everything he can to make sure this happens.Our position of 6th in The Premier League,is reflective of this fact.Comments regarding poor grammar,punctaution and prozac are far less relevant to me than the main issue,which is on the pitch.

  • ARSENAL 13

    hhahaha Don good one.

    Now we know why Gazidis is payed soooo much. Sex change wont come cheap. A bald man and his hairy dreams…

  • mick

    @Domhuaille MacMathghamhna
    January 28, 2013 at 2:06 am
    Nice funny article, however Dom when you pull people like Eddy up for poor spelling and grammar you must make sure you are not guilty of similar transgressions. I refer to your use of the word ‘rye’ in the opening paragraph which we all know is a grain used in bread making. I would suggest ‘wry’ is the correct spelling for the context you used it in.

  • Eddy

    my word,a late equaliser,with an unlikely assist from Mick.

  • Mandy Dodd

    Colney even

  • Domhuail

    Mick….guilty as charged….my only defense is that I was eating a rye and ham sandwich at the time I was writing and must have (due to my advanced age) confused the two….rather wry observation isn’t it!