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Arsenal 10 men 2, West Porno 14 men 0

West Porno United, named after their owners, threw everything at Arsenal in this game, and then some.

We expected rotational fouling – it is what the lesser clubs do, and we got it.   We expected the referee (their 12th man) and his linos (13th and 14th) to do their bit in letter it go – and they did.

But with West Porno you always get something else that is that bit more sneaky – and we got it with  rotational wrestling – something that they obviously spotted while watching the KGB / Inter game on TV last week.

As a result West Porno committed a staggering 24 fouls – and those were just the ones the ref awarded free kicks for.  

Realising that it was not working out the Ref knew he had to do something, so he sent off Vermaelen while watching goal mouth action from the penalty area – you could see him chattring to his lino saying, “I think we can do them for good now,” and the lino vigerously assenting.   Other teams might have withered at this moment, but this, of course, is Arsenal.  They simply slipped Song back into the back four, saved the penalty, and then took the game to the opposition – including the ref.

In the end even he had to give a penalty for Upson’s silly handball, and we got the victory.

And a few valuable extra bits…

First, Vermaelen’s ban means that he is free from being kicked for a while and will be ok for the Champs League whatnot with Bar Bar Blacksheep – and I wouldn’t want us to face them without him.

Second, the game gave us a much delayed chance to see the Diaby experiment in action – in which Diaby plays centre forward, attacking midfield and defensive midfield at the same time.  And for me that display of his was worth the admission money on its own.  He was everywhere, all the time, thus proving that the laws of quantum mechanics can operate at the macro and micro levels.  (And even if you didn’t understand that bit, and there’s no reason why you should unless you read New Scientist or have a particular interest in the way the sub-atomic world works, you have to admit not many Arsenal blogs can get quantum mechanics into a match review).

Third we learned that Denilson has refound his ability to jink around a lot of rotational fouls – which he lost for a while when getting those back injuries.

Nasri is the worry because he was getting kicked to pieces in this game, but otherwise we seemed ok.

Nicklas Bendtner is apparently about to go to Bayern Munich according to EatSleepMakeitup.com 

But not every team has someone as mindlessly viscious as Behrami – I mean I know Stoke do, and Birmingham, and Hull, and.. oh well, yes most teams do, but we are getting better at handling that nasty little skimps and sending them off with a flea in the ear.  

So thus it is, and there we go.  Top of the league, tiddly pom.

There’s more inspired stuff on Untold Central (which is also the name that tube drivers give to the red line when it goes out of action).

Tony Attwood

Tony Attwood is the author of Making the Arsenal – the most inspired piece of fiction about Arsenal in the history of the multiverse

40 comments to Arsenal 10 men 2, West Porno 14 men 0

  • tim

    Thanks Tony.

    Diaby will be our Barca killer. It literally takes him 3 strides to get from box to box. He’s Usain Bolt but with ballerina-like footwork.

  • Hartwick89

    Tony,

    Thanks for the re-cap. Always very useful. I missed the first half due to family goings-on. So I missed the controversy with T. Vermaelen. I just feel very bad for these players. This time last year I wonder if Ajax were held to contempt by the Dutch Refs? Or Marseille & Auxerre with the French refs? Where in the world is this the case? Then I remembered a young Argentinean lad most Englishman wish to forget… He was fouled. The world broke his legs. The world took turns fouling him. As a result when he fought back he was singled out and banned in Espana 82. But, in 86 in full maturity he played the world including England and won!

  • AnonymousGun

    Oh how hard had they tried.. How hard.. And they, thinking without TV our defense would crumbled.. pffft!

    They took RvP, we showed them Bendtner, they took Cesc, we showed them Samir .. They took out Gallas, we showed them Sol, and then they tried to take out TV .. we showed them Song..

  • AnonymousGun

    And they still think we dont have enough depth?!

  • If only LIneker had “Hands of God” when that lovely John Barnes’ cross a hair-width above his head!!!!
    But that little Argie left Spain and did wonders at Napoli.

    Diaby?
    If only he develops Pele’s peripheral vision and mix-up his dribble skill with a quick one-touch one pass instead of trying all the time to dribble pass 2 or 3 men which he did all the time and successful all the time.

    That is my only grouse with him as I winced each time he did it, inviting all those kickers and hackers to scythe him down. Now you wonder why Henry was rarely injured with his wodnerful technique of skipping passed opponents plus that wonderful football brain of finding the right pass as well..before opponents have a chance to hack him down. [i.e. beofre 4-5-1 when he was a static sitting duck for kickers!!]

    DIaby has the physique and strength to take on hackers like Behrami, Fletcher, Bowyer, etc, but Nasri is too delicate.

    Is Nasri too delciate for English Football?
    WIll he toughen up and be as successful as Juiniho at Boros?
    Perhaps like Cesc, he needs 1 or 2 more years to develop physically and adapt to the English game by 2011/12?

    Denilson?
    WHen he first made his debut at Highbury, he had fine anticipation and intercepting balls before it appeared at his opponents’ feet!!!
    And he was spraying long passes like crazy from centre to flank, both of ’em!!!
    Yes, LOOOOOOONG FORWARD PASSES!!!
    Has Arsene Wenger’s coaching technique of playing intensive football 5-a-side on a quadrant of a pitch coached that instinctive long pass technique out of him?

    From yesterday display, somewhat, Denilson is too disciplined and maybe supressing his attacking instinct as well..just to play DCM????
    I felt that Denilson is not living to his full potential yet and more is expected from him.
    Another Wenger Wunderkind who has yet to live up to his full potential then?

  • Hartwick89

    PS.

    Get ready for the most exciting fixtures from here on out! Starting today!

  • ibs

    Franco clipped his own legs on purpose,and asking for the red-card was shameful.
    Another undeserved red-card to add to the (arsene’s dirty team) collection.
    F the press and pratini for denying video tech.

  • THERE IS NOTHING THEY CAN DO WE ARE HEAD THE GAME, THIS SEASON WE ARE GOING TO SHOW THEM WHAT FOOTBALL IS AND FOR BARCA WE ARE SMARTER THAN THEM AND WITH OUT MESSI NO BARCA THAT IS ONLY ONE PERSON THEY BELIEVE IN AND IS TIME FOR ALL THE YOUNG GUN TO SHOW THEM WHAT THEY UP I MEAN WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH WELLCOME BACK OF SOL CAMB WE ARE OK FOR BARCA.

  • Thing we have to be happy about is Song ability do do the CBs job. For all those moaners questioning our ability to defend (when we are supposed to defend) last night was prove. And of course tactical brilliance in game where Zola expected Arshavin to go out and to be weakened in middle, after half time we were on pitch in same strength we started game with …

  • Hartwick89

    Merlin…

    Recall the difference of 22 to 25-26 and you will have your answers to those questions. Arsenal have the young hands of God in Samir, Diaby, and Denilson. And, to think Walcott is just 21!

    What’s the deal with the Denilson critique? He was responsible for the game winner last week and scored the game winner this week. Where I come from if you score you are given a pass on criticism…

    Having said that I found nothing wrong with his game play for the 45 I saw?

    He is 22! If he was 32 I might concede your point on him… All Denilson critics put on your bi-focals cause I ain’t buying what your selling….

  • GoonerGaz

    Denilson is criticised because he is regularly played out of position in dm.When he plays further forward he is a lot lot better.He is only 22 and not first choice but does a very good job for us.When he has to play dm it would be nice if he could rotate the position through the game with Diaby for instance,but unfortunately that could hamper him as well.Samir Nasri is a bit like that for me,he is a lot better when he is more central.The problem is we have so many WORLD CLASS midfielders that it is nigh on impossible to play them all in their best positions………..nice problem to have though.

  • Hartwick89

    OK…Who made you guys his manager? That’s the only positition he’s played.. In fact, check it.. as a 17 year old he anchored MF for Sao Paulo in this famous tourney… Can you guess who he anchored MF against?

  • Phil

    If he is a DM, he’s a Gilberto “invisible wall” type. He doesn’t have the physical side of Song’s game, but he wins a lot through interceptions and the like.

    Personally, I like seeing him as the “box to box” midfielder as he really helps our possession game.

  • walter

    dodgy penalty’s against us, red cards against us, MU playing with 14 against a very poor Liverpool side.
    If we win the league we have to beat MIOU, Chelski,the FA and their refs

  • tim

    Man U get every single call. It makes me sick. Valencia was fouled outside the box, and it was only when he ran into it that he conveniently lost his balance. And since it’s a World Cup year, anybody who even breathes on Rooney gets a foul called.

    Makes me want to throw up.

  • To beat Manure or KGB you need to be better (what is possible) to beat FA … you have to have some other ingredients and I am doubting anyone know it is.
    I d rather support team who fight for 4th position than Referees Dearest Kid.

  • Sorry for writing post after post, but I really have to urge, no let me say, beg you all to stop writing bad things about Manure. I am afraid they will add it to Major Fouls in game and start giving Arsenal red cards or penalty kicks against because verbal offense on forum or blog.

  • Gf60

    Christ it’s hard being a scallies supporter. Especially when their skipper plays like an arse’n’al. And to think, for the next 90 minutes we’re supporting The Walrus and his back-breakers. Yeuck.

  • walter

    Fletcher, who else, even could kick against Kuyt after the whistle and after the ball had gone… and not a red card, not even a yellow card, no just nothing. Oops forgot, yes he got a nice friendly chat with Webb : “now be a nice boy from no one and I will help you further to win this game.”

    This will cost us another card in our next game I’m affraid.

    Must say that Liverpool looked a tired team during the game and as they hardly had to play on thursday evening this is a bit normal I would say.

  • Phil

    Blackburn have someone making their Premier League debut at centreback. My hopes of them getting some points just diminished.

  • simon bailey

    they flashed up denilsons pass stats during the game, i cant remember the number, but the amount of passes equalled the amount of successful passes. 100% in other words. a truly great stat for a truly great player.

  • simon bailey

    oh and in the manu match, another soft penalty for united again. what a surprise.

  • Phil

    I hate being right sometimes

  • Phil

    Simon, don’t forget Fletcher getting away with kicking out at a player

  • walter

    Webb was once again himself, totaly useless

  • GumbiGumbi

    What I do not like with our boss is that when we win he blushes aside refs incompetence, which encourages them to do it again and again. After yesterdays horror by the so called men in MU jersey I expected Le boss to tear them in pieces but nothing happened. These refs need man-marking from the word go to the end otherwise we will be crewed up time to time. Would you tell the boss on my behalf that he needs to grow Fergie. What can Rafa do with these horrible referees? The foul clearly happened outside the area and all the sudden its a penalty. For the few years I have seen refs giving league cups to Manure. Go to hell!

  • Diaminedave

    Hi Simon, it looks as though Denilson kept up the same high standard for the rest of the game.
    According to the guardian chalkboard Denilson made and completed 73 passes during the game. 100%.
    Which when you think about it is even more amazing as the team played half the game with only 10 men.
    all the best
    Dave

  • Rhys Jaggar

    Quantum mechanics Tony:

    1. There are ‘allowable states’ and ‘non-allowable states’ in any system – I’ll let you decide what states are allowed in the EPL! Clearly Arsenal winning six in a row is ‘an allowable state’….as is deducting 9pts for going into administration…….
    2. ‘The more precisely you can measure position, the less precisely you can measure speed’ aka ‘The Uncertainty Principle’ – which is a disaster for all media types who are junkies for statistics. And as Arsene can measure Theo’s speed at 100m to one zillionth of a second, he’s still unsure whether to play him wide right or down the middle….
    3. You cannot assign certainty to outcomes, only probabilities. All you can say is that a few refs are bald. Fact.
    4. By the act of measuring something you alter what it is that you are measuring. Which translates something like ‘as soon as we find out what you’re up to, you’ll be on to the next thing’.
    5. The Golden Era of quantum mechanics was about 1910 to about 1950. A little known fact is that Herbert Chapman was the coach of Einstein and Heisenberg, in a daring decision ahead of its time, to sign a German Nazi and a Swiss Jew to play for the same side in the 1920s and 1930s. He had to arrange secret transport from Huddersfield to north London for both of them after a few years to stop thousands of fans protesting too strongly by smashing glass…
    6. If your cat is a descendent of Schroedinger’s you may think you are permanently pissed, based on you seeing a few things double, experiencing a few blackouts and generally thinking that you are spaced out on LSD. I made this one up, as I don’t know what being on LSD is like and John Lennon was shot before I got to meet him.
    7. Quantum physicists dreamed up the most fiendish maths to describe this cult. Climate scientists didn’t learn from them. Big mistake.
    8. When Arsene mastered Quantum Mechanics to beat Sir Alex in 2004, Sir Alex decided that it was time for E=mc2 to be brought to bear. So he started winning the League again. So Arsene’s had to work out how to get the better of him yet again. His study is starting to bear fruit this season.
    9. He is also studying ‘string theory’, which is supposed to result in the opposition tying their players in knots. He asked Gordy of Downing Street to apply the Coup de Grace.
    10. Fabio Capello’s ‘allowed states’ in quantum mechanics do not include wearing pink boots. So he goes to London Colney early to clear the place from such strange paraphanalia before allowing the England squad to gather there for training. The newspapers deduce from this that Theo is gay……so it must be true, mustn’t it??
    11. Arsene was horrified to hear that quantum mechanics was rechristened ‘Bohring, Bohring’ by Stephen Hawking after hearing a Dane lecturing on the subject. So he decided to study sports science instead.

  • Hamad

    Title of this article summed up the entire game pretty well!
    Brilliant!

  • walter

    And Chelsea drop points… mmmmmm love it

  • Paul C.

    Sooooo close to being a perfect day!!!! Oh well, Utd winning at home is expected. Chelsea dropping points at Blackburn is amazing, although we still have to go there (as do Utd) so we cannot crow too loudly. Yet.

    Are Chelsea going to fall apart? Next week they have Villa ay home. Tough game.

  • Phil

    Our Blackburn game is in May, which means they’ll have Robinson back. However I see them being safe by that point, so I’m not too concerned by their display today.

    Chelsea-United is massive for us and it’s sandwiched between the Champions League ties against Bayern, which can only be good for us (Chelsea have a rest as they’re out of the competition). While Chelsea don’t have any form, this fact I think helps them. Cech may be back by then too.

  • Paul C.

    Absolutely, I wouldnt write Chelsea out of it at all. But for the first time this season it is out of their hands. If Utd win the rest of their games they are champions. If they draw with Chelsea and win the rest of their games then we would have to win all our games and greatly improve our goal difference to move past Utd.

    But I dont expect any of the top-3 to win all their remaining games. There are still points to be dropped by us all. I just didnt expect Chelsea to blink first and so obviously. Are their old legs catching up to them? They should take 2nd again in midweek against Portsmouth before their game against Villa. If they drop points against Portsmouth then they truly are in panic mode. That should be a gift-wrapped 3 points. Then again, Portsmouth have absolutely nothing to lose……..

  • Wonderman

    Am I the only one who feels that we are in the midst of one of the greatest title races since the inception of the premiership and the media seem to be willing it Man U’s way !

  • Cannon Man

    Wonderman
    March 21st, 2010 at 9:17 pm
    said:

    “since the inception of the premiership and the media seem to be willing it Man U’s way!” <— corrected?!!!

  • tim

    Thank you, Blackburn! I hope you folks have one more big game in you (vs. ManUre).

    I actually feel bad for Rafa. He’s going to get a lot of stick for once again speaking the truth about the puppetmaster of English football.

    Keep on believing!

  • Gf60

    Cheering on Blackburn, The Walrus and in particular, Diouf leaves one feeling very mucky despite the result. Suppose we have to say “Well done Blackburn.”

  • A little known fact is that Herbert Chapman was the coach of Einstein and Heisenberg,

    Rhys, I take my hat off to you.

  • Gadget

    Rhys Jaggar, you deserve some sort of prize

  • Phaze

    I agree with Gadget Rhys is Hilarious!!