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New undercover work at the Tiny Totts Training Emporium reveals secret plans for Wednesday’s game



Inside informants at Tottie-Train, the Temporary Tottenham Training Turf have revealed that the Tinies have spent lots of time looking at Arsenal and the way they have consistentlyended up several hundred light years ahead of the Totts year after year.

Of course the Tots have had some success – their secret underwater research centre in Hackney Marshes have perfected the Depression Spray Bomb which is regularly aimed at Arsenal fans, to make them feel utterly miserable, and to believe that although they are always higher up the table than the Totties, and don’t lose to Portsmouth, they are actually about to implode.

But the Tots are never satisfied.  Having run simulations of Arsenal’s team, performance, pizzas, passing, and lack of portakabins, the Totties have found that the clue to Arsenal’s great success is their injuries.

So Tottenham have arranged to meet Arsenal injury for injury ahead of this week’s 100th anniversary meeting.

Tiddly Widdly captain Ledley King is what the journalists call “a major doubt” after missing the fiasco on the slippery slopes of Wibbly Wobbly Wembly.  Following Arsenal’s success in playing Gallas and Cesc, they will play him in the 100th anniversary game on Wednesday.

Aaron Lennon has returned to full fitness and is ready to play but the Tinies have decided that would make them appear unlike Arsenal, so they have knee-capped him.

An announcement on the Totties web site says that “Rednapp also lost Nico Kranjcar”.  This does not mean, as some have suggested that they has a suspected fracture to his shin, but rather that he stole Carlos Vela’s passport and is now in Trinidad.

“it is important,” said Mr Knapper of the Lane, “that we copy Arsenal step for step.  Arsenal had Song out because of 10 cards so we have Wilson Palacios out for ten cards too.”

Mr Knapp denied that Wilson Palaciosis a renowned soul singer and songwriter with a fiery and edgy style known as Wicked Wilson who recorded “In The Midnight Hour”, “634-5789” , “Mustang Silly”, “Land Of 1000 Dunces”,  “Fulham Broadway”, and “Don’t Knock My Love – Part 1”

“Wilson misses two vital games. We’ve got to try and get a fit team out for Arsenal.” Redknapp moped as he mopped his moped.

The report says that it is important to go into every match with a “major doubt” and so have recruited Vedran Corluka who played on the slippery slopes with an ankle which might our might not be injured.  “He was pumped full of drugs,” said Mr Redd, and the player was at once arrested by PC Plod and the Plodds whose 1983 record, “Say that again Sonny (and I’ll smash your face in)” was a hit during the extra-time break at Wilson P’s wedding.



Arsenal of course will always retaliate in their own way, and after another burst of depression spray the head of PR, Mr Earsa Story announced that…

1.  Following the takeover of the club by someone or other after the sale of shares Lady Iva Loadsofmoney the almighty Lord Wenger will go to Real Mad because they have real talent there.

2.  Arsenal miss out on signing everyone. It doesn’t matter if Arsenal didn’t want the player, if we have never heard of the player, if the player has never asked for a transfer, or if no one knows anything about it.  Arsenal miss out on signing Messi’s mother-in-law will do.  As along as it makes Arsenal look silly, the story must run on someone’s blog.  Arsenal miss out on signing Uruguayan goalkeeping sensation Wheresthe Goal, after he signs a new three year extension to his contract with Tierra Del Fuego Juniors.  “We never heard from Arsenal” said Mr Goal’s agent, “so what are we supposed to do?”

3.  Arshavin is going somewhere, anywhere where there is no tax, no weather, no traffic, no dogs, no other players and no journalists.

4.  Eduardo is off to Lyon.  It’s not a transfer, he just likes the city.

5. Cesc is going to Man City.  “Real Mad and Barca haven’t spoken to me for weeks and I feel lonely,” said the Arsenal captain.

And while all this seems pathetically stupid and utterly silly, the five rumours above all appeared on at least three Arsenal blogs each in the past 48 hours, and the Tiddly Tiny Totties do have a few injury worries.

So there you are.  Up to date and hoity toity.

And yes, of course it was Wilson Picket, and no he never went to Fulham and his Mustang was called Sally.

(It’s not easy writing this stuff you know).

(Actually do you know there are some sites that take football very seriously.  They must get awfully worked up at times, what with always being wrong.)

Billy the dog McGraw.  (You know it doesn’t make sense).

36 comments to New undercover work at the Tiny Totts Training Emporium reveals secret plans for Wednesday’s game

  • walter

    This is the best medicine after another hand given by the ref in favour of Chelsea. LOL.

  • jack

    ever fancied clichy an d walcot as the feeding wingers to chamack bentner and van persie.that would be a dream come true to me.

  • jack

    ever fancied clichy and walcot as the feeding wingers to chamack ,bentner and van persie.that would be a dream come true to me.with kieran gibbs as the left back.

  • Maverick

    I don’t know if i can take Chelsea winning the EPL, Imagine them winning the double..i would feel a great sense of injustice i really hope we pip them to it and win it but they are gonna get the decisions from crappy refs. I wouldn’t be able to cope with Manu “winning” another tropthy either because i get sick of their fans gloating like they are omnimportant. Arsenal all the way……pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase Arsenal take the EPL this year.

    Tony What do you think of Manu’s situation and chelsea as regards debt and buying trophies only to be apparently (if rumours are to believed)are gonna be buying more world class players and are having huge transfer target war chests. I really feel a deep injustice in it all because Chelsea are just spending and spending whilst converting debt into shares which i feel is unjust and manu still buying with so much debt feeling they can and will get a new owner to wipe the slate clean. I don’t feel this is a fair playing field that these scummy teams can carry on doing this 🙁 Manu seem to have the investors ready to buy them out again so when is all ever going to end?

  • LRV

    At the rate the refs are going in the premiership, they will all be Millionaires by the time the season ends. How much will it cost to not see two (2) blatant penalty fouls committed by Chelsea? I wonder!

  • Maverick

    i know what you mean LRV, i feel that these things are just blatently wrong…………i just wonder when we are gonna get the rub of the green. With these Chelsea and Manu biased refs i don’t feel we will ever get another trophy at this rate.

  • Beez12

    I agree, the ref for the chelsea-bolton game was very, very poor!

  • Gf60

    I thought Webb on Saturday was a disgrace. Last night, I realised he had quite a good game by comparison.

  • kris

    hilarious! 🙂 arshavin needs to someplace with no female drivers as well !

  • Pat

    Hahbaa what a classic article!

  • lp

    great post…=D

  • Brickfields Gunners

    New addition to the English language – Rednapp – to eviscerate; to make hollow ;to empty; to be made bare ;to bankrupt;to leave behind an empty shell;eg, when we saw Pompey [or Saints or soon ,Spuds ],we
    knew ‘Arry had been there, so rednapped was it.
    I always thought that British coppers went ” ‘ello ,’ello what have we ‘ere ?”

  • Just on the question of buying refs and trophies – no action appears to be wanted for the corruption of refs in the EPL because of the view that even a whiff of a rumour that the EPL is bent would damage its reputation.

    Man U and Liverpool managers have both been quoted as asking for £60m this summer’s spend – with Man U willing to sell Berbatov for a fraction of his cost.

    I doubt that either will get it.

    My view is that those two are spent forces financially, and now we have to see if the EPL will back down in the fight with Uefa over financial doping. It comes down to the “benefactor” regulation within the new rules – if your owner “gives” the club £500m, is that ok. EPL say yes, rest of world says no.

  • walter

    The FA and EPL face a difficult dilemma today: by helping Chelsea too much it could have as result that the tension goes out of the final games and this could cost them money as the sporting channels from all over the world loved the 3 horse race and thus they have changed the calender so they could give every game live on TV (except the last which has to be played on the same time).
    But if Chelsea keeps getting helping ‘hands of god’ from the refs it could end up with no tension at all and this could result in less money for the EPL, FA and the clubs.
    Maybe the sporting channels could swithc their attention to leagues where the tension is also big and the refs ar less bent ? Germany is looking close, as is Italy, Spain and even Holland is looking for a photo finish finale and so they could chose to give their money to those leagues and give the EPL games no live coverage ?

  • walter

    I think Arsenal.com reads this blog Tony. 😉
    I asked for news about Song, which you gave me and a few hours later is was on the arsenal.com

  • critic

    i have a bad feeling, arsenal will drop points against 14 men spuds….

    “cesc feeling lonely” 😀

  • barry

    The last 6 years have been a catalogue of wasted opportunities. Over the last 6 years Wenger’s pursuit of The Vanity Project together with a poor recruitment policy, poor team selection, and poor tactics has cost us the CL in 2004, the PL title 2 years ago and the PL title this year. Wenger has repeatedly thrown FA Cup matches, matches that we could have, and should have won. We could have won the FA Cup each and every year for the past 6 years but Wenger just threw games. He left Reyes and Henry out against Man Utd in a semi-final. His decision to leave Arshavin out of last years semi-final was the most crass decision even he has made. That’s why I don’t like Wenger, lost opportunities, and any self respecting right thinking Arsenal fan would feel the same. I don’t suppose a turncoat Spud would have the faintest idea what success is though given they never have any. And that is obviously why you changed from your time at WHL to being a pretend Gooner. Losers make me sick so Wenger prove you are a winner, beat Spuds and lift the title. You told us you were ‘convinced’ we would win the PL. Prove it.

  • Well that is a first. I don’t think I have ever been called a “pretend Gooner” before in all my life.

    I don’t quite know how to react.

  • pramos12

    barry, how can i tell you’ve never supported Arsenal during the bad times! You assume all we have to do is turn up to win games, you’ve never played competitive football, and it shows in your post. Your a typical “i only sing when were winning type of fan”, as soon as things get tough, you throw all your toys out the pram. What a comment “we could of won the FA Cup each and every year for the past 6 years”. We could have also won the PL & CL every year as well, going underfeated on PS3. Your mindset is unbelievable, what gives Arsenal Football Club the right to think every club we face is gonna roll over for us? Pinocchio, you lying again, state the real reason why you & Wenger fell out? And i thought you was a share holder who sits in club class & has links to the BOD? Not another lie? You say your a bigger Arsenal fan than me, well prove it. Get behind your team, manager, players. Show some support for a change, you can’t constantly hate and be negative and then claim your Arsenal’s best fan because you don’t like losing. None of us like it when Arsenal lose, some of us can take it like a man, in competitive sport you don’t always get what you deserve.

  • walter

    Barry,
    the place we have in the table NOW proves that we have what it takes to win the PL.
    There are some things you cannot influence not even when your name is Wenger. The fact that Chelsea just got handed 4 extra points in 2 games is one of those things. The fact that we are just behind them proves that we can do it. I really can not remember us getting 3 points by ref decisions this year but I can give you examples of lost points to those decisions.

    What you also can not prevent is your best striker (RVP) out for so long after playing a friendly game with Holland. And don’t tell me he could have bought because who would or could have done better than Bendnter in the last weeks ?

    And maybe on your little computer game you can win the league every time you play it but in the real world this is not the case.

    And to call Tony a pretend Gooner …. really I think some + 200.000 people on this site think otherwise on this.

    If this is your first visite I can only suggest you to read a bit more or just read what this site is about.
    And if you still stick with your words I think there are other sites where you can predict the end of Arsenal every time we lose a point or a game and feel happy about we know better than the manager. You just go to those sites who love to write us off on every occasion.

  • walter

    Oh Barry, I just saw that you say the PL title race this year is over….

    I should have read this before so I shouldn’t have wasted my energy…

  • barry

    ok folks i know this is wishful thinking and wenger does not want to kill the careers of of fenilson and pong but I think we need to build frm the back come up, Alumina(gone)for Hugo Lloris or Sebastien Frey they are both French so AW will like that.In the defence we need a new center back sorry to say but Gallas is getting old and Silvestre(never was) Sol Campbell(has been)and Doujouru(never will be)are no replacement.We need to invest in another player from AW’s favourite country{Mamadou Sakho}….To be continued

  • walter

    Barry,
    just one thing. I don’t know if this were just typing errors but I really feel very uncomfortable when a Gooner writes the names of own players wrong. And I don’t have anyting against nicknames like The Verminator or so but as far as I know we have players named Denilson and Song.

    Fenilson and Pong could be players of any other team.

    The fact that you write names of other players like Lloris and Frey correct indicates that this is not a typing error.
    Let me just say that a Gooner who can not respect his own players by spelling their names wrong is a pretend Gooner.
    Hate them or like them, as long as they are Arsenal players they are all MY GUNNERS and deserve our support.
    That is what I call being a supporter of a team.

  • Abhishek

    Oh Barry

    The mascot depicting your face is just a coincidence or is that really you. There are plenty of logical guys who can answer your doubts,so I will just talk something else.

    And the “pretend” logic that you gave is quiet humourous. People leave winless Totts to support trophyless Arsenal. If we really are fake fans, we could have gone to Barcelona or Man U. Not Arsenal atleast (which has not won a trophy since eternity -that is what others say).

  • Mihir Saudagar

    Oh Walter!
    What is your gripe with people playing football management games on the computer? And you only win the league in the game if you cheat! and just like real life, sometimes even that does not work!
    As Chelski know!

  • At this moment Man U and Liverpool have managers who are going cap in hand to their directors saying, please can we have money to buy, we have an ageing team, and nothing much coming up in the youth system.

    Chelsea and Man City have no idea if they are going to find a way into the Champs League when the financial fairness regs come in. If they do their days of buying everyone will be over for good.

    Barca, and Real Madrid will not qualify to the Champs League under the current regs.

    Inter have just been implicated in an extension of the Italian ref scandal.

    Tottenham, Villa and the rest remain distant in the race.

    Arsenal on the other hand make a profit each year, can buy anyone they want are going to finish at least third, and possibly first or second, and already have five great new players coming through for next year, plus two purchases lined up.

    How can any of this be seen as failure, other than a failure to bankrupt our club?

  • pramos12

    I really think we need to knock a few past Spurs tonight. At the moment for us to win the title we need Chelsea to drop points in 2 out of their 4 remaining games (due to their superior goal difference). To stand any chance of winning this title we need to knock in a cricket score over the last 5 games. Our goal difference is 14 less than Chelsea so probably need to beat a couple of teams by 6 or 7. If we can do that and Chelsea only have to lose one game for us to be able to win the title. Thats why games like Wolves last week are so infuriating. It was great we got the win, and once again we showed the determination to continue till the end. But we had around 30 shots on goal and we could have really caught up on goal difference. Hopefully with RVP back we may start converting more of our chances but he is coming back from a long lay off and its clearly going to take time to get back to his best. So I do feel the title is just going to be slightly outside of our reach but it has been a great season none the less. Had I been offered finishing comfortably in the top 4(a position most didnt expect us to get) and still being in the title race come April, at the start of the season I think I would have taken it but dont get me wrong I have fingers, legs and every other body part crossed that we give the Spuds a right beating tonight.

  • ALGunnernigeria

    Forget about title or anything. My main concern is we need to win. Arsenal need to win for there supporter. For me this team has done well with limited resources what we had. We spent just 10 Min in the transfer. Comparing to all top 10 EPL team. It is the lowest. But as an arsenal fan it could have been nice to win some thing this season but it is ok. We arsenal fan are still optimistically waiting for the past 6 years and may be we need to wait. Just hope that arsenal get the better of Spurs and win the match. Hope AW understand the problem in the squad next season and bring one World Class CDM. To me I am more than happy with the season. But not over the moon.

  • finn

    one word for the Joker leading the clowns RESIGN

  • finn

    This is really the worst Arsenal team I ever have the absolute honor to witness. I absolutely hate Bendtner. I can’t describe how angry I am for us to have him as striker. Can’t play his teammate can’t play himself. Everytime he runs it makes me fuming mad. I don’t see how the goals are coming from this absolute shambles of a team. If this match is not the absolute testament that Wenger’s lost it and should be go back to Japan, I don’t know what is. Absolute joke. Did I mention I hate Bendtner? Oh and freaking Aluminia. My god, I can’t believe I’m stuck with so many muppets in this team. UNBELIEVABLE. Seriously, can’t Arsenal give me something to be happy about?

  • finn

    After watching this game we need a fucking massive clear out of players….

    Diaby
    Denilson
    Rosicky
    Silvestre
    Eduardo
    Traore

    Fucking shocking, no fight, clueless aimless football. Wenger is tactally awful he has one way of playing and it doesnt work in big games.

    We have to many bottlejobs in our team. NO shots until RVP came on?????????
    JOKE

  • goonergerry

    Tottenham Hotspur Football club-the whole caboodle- fans, team, manager the lot, only care about one thing in the whole world- not finishing 4th and playing in Europe, not winning the cup- only one thing motivates this club-beating us- the hate filled small minded morons only put in this kind of performance once or twice a season- usually it doesn’t work. Well well done Tinies you won your cup final.
    Anyone who questions whether they support the wrong team in North London need only wait till the weekend to find out- when they play and get hammered by Chelsea.
    A flat forgettable performance by us- except for the RVP cameo at the end.

  • finn

    im not overly worried about the no trophies in 5 years, what worries me most is the fact we are not improving year on year yet AW keeps thinking that we are improving massively

    One more season left on AW’s contract, I don’t see him renewing it. I assume he’ll want to go out on a high so here’s hoping in the summer he holds his hands up, admits the project of the last 5 years hasn’t worked & invests in significant amounts of real quality.

    Otherwise his tenure at Arsenal will unfortunately be remembered as one of two very opposing halves…

  • ALGunnernigeria

    So how many trophyless seasons is that now then Arsenal fans? Same old Wenger not buying when he needed to. He said this was the season that his ‘young guns’ were mature enough to win the league, now he has said they aren’t. Everyone apart from him knows they need a new keeper, a better back up centre back, a power house midfielder and a goal scoring forward but his arrogance is holding them back. If City get the Champions League spot then we will be in real trouble as City will get some real world class players. come on wenger do the right thing & wAlk away with at least some dignity

  • barry

    hmmm suddenly its all gone very quiet here,

  • Kairon

    Trinidad got a mention!!!! boom. too bad it comes after yesterday’s result. it cheered me up a little nonetheless. i really missed rvp tho!!! it lokks over but its far from over!!!