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Wenger resigns

Following weeks of anguish and annoyance expressed by fans, the Lord Wenger has agreed to step aside as Arsenal’s manager.

Sir Peter Hill-Wood has announced that in a revolutionary move the manager will be replaced by a committee of fans who will decide who to play, who to buy, and who to sell, how much the beer costs, and the length of the white stripe down the sleeve.

“The idea has worked at Ebbsfleet in the Conference, so I don’t see why it can’t work here,” said the Chairman.

The first vote has already taken place, and it has been decided that all games will start ten minutes after they start, will stop five minutes before half time, will restart ten minutes after half time, and will finish ten minutes before the end.

“Half time is a problem because we have to get from the changing rooms to our seats, and there are 30,000 of us,” said one of the new Committee. “But we are energetic and forward looking, even though we don’t get to all the games.”

So far the committee, which is made up of fans who were very unhappy with Wenger in the summer, and whose slogan is “I told you so” have decided to…

Sell Adebayor for being disloyal in August

Sell Van Persie because he is too prone to injury

Sell Eduardo because there is little chance he will ever be any good again

Sell Almunia because he isn’t very good

Sell Gallas because he once played for Chelsea

Sell Eboue because he is Eboue

Sell Denilson because he isn’t Flamini

Sell Song because he isn’t Flamini

“This shows how radical and forward looking the whole club has become,” said Mr Hill-Wood. “We are moving forward with the times, and quite possibly, we should be able to move into a situation in which we can change managers every year, change the structure every year, change the approach every year, and apply for planning permission for a training ground every year – and in short be as truly successful as the Tiny Fantasists along the Seven Sisters Road. I look forward to this new era that the fans of the club have brought about themselves. “

20 comments to Wenger resigns

  • Rock

    Oh Shut the Fuck Up!

  • Ian Trevett

    Great Stuff Tony. Sums it all up.

  • mooqs

    just absouloutely stupid you fool man you should get rushed for that!!

  • Sam Ulhaq

    Or we can always replace him with Mourinho…a loud mouth idiot that will win you games, whilst playing the moist boring football known to man…

    It will also mean that we will need to spend to get these managers and keep them with us…leading to economic meltdown and having to sell all the players and then sacking the manager cos he can’t win the champs league every season…

    Then we can all relax and enjoy playing with the likes of Newcastle and worrying about relagation all the time…

  • bertie wooster

    brilliant, so true. I can’t fathom these fans who want wenger to resign. Changing anything that drastic wouldn’t solve anything. I’m not saying things are great at the moment, just that they won’t get better if you start to mess around too much.

  • Bergkamp Maestro

    Wengers the MAN. You can go to hell

  • Ant

    At last! Someone with a sense of humour. Great stuff. Long live Wenger.

  • Wenger… he’s the one who kept arsenal alive… you wouldn’t have been reading this without him… 😉 Cheers to Arsen, Cheers to Arsen-al. ask an arab to buy the club…

  • Bobbly Pliers

    You should have finished the headline……….”Wenger Resigns himself to the fact that not all Arsenal fans are intelligent!”

  • NYmarcus

    WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH ALL THESE IDIOT GOONERS WHO COME ON HERE AND DON’T UNDERSTAND SATIRE???

    HELLO?!?!

    Let me spell it out for you morong: IT’S A JOKE! It’s meant as an attack on all the idiot fans demanding Wenger’s head.

    Sheesh!

    I guess you should put the words “SATIRE WARNING” in incredibly large, bright red letters right at the start of posts like this. Tho these idiots probably still wouldn’t get it.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  • Ryan

    “Sell Eboue because he is Eboue”

    I laughed so hard people looked at me funny in the library

  • don't believe the hype

    I think some people don’t read beyond the headline and that pretty much sums up the mentality of those sheep following the media leader.

    Once I got past the initial double take your headline gave me, I enjoyed the joke. But, it’s amazing how many amateur managers we have who think they know better than a man with AW’s years of experience. It may look easy from the outside, but we couldn’t even begin to dream of how difficult a job he has.

  • Peter

    Is everyone mental???? SACK BENDTNER HE’S SHIT, SACK EBOUE HE’S SHIT, SACK DENILSON HE’S SHIT!! FUCKING BINGO CLUEDO! A DECENT TEAM!

  • migaloo

    Brilliant, I’m gonna nick it and post up on Teamtalk.com, should shut up all those new glory hunters we acquired during the double (not the 71 one!)

  • Rock

    Regardless of this author “attempting” to be funny, writing an article like this is just pointless and a waste of time. So many bloggers attempt the sarcastic route and end up looking like such a sad case as people think how could this guy actually spend time writing this utter bollox.

    Not all arsenal fans hate wenger, so why is this attributed towards them, who cares about them, theyre not true gooners so why vent your anger about something so small. its a stupid, stupid article.

  • Ateeb

    I for once agree with NYmarcus.

  • Tim

    Wait a minute! Your joke says that sack him for not winning the champions league every season but he has not even won it once.

    No matter how good Wenger is or has been I still believe that you guys are absolutely wrong to think that NO ONE should question him or even disagree with him.

    I like him in charge but I also feel frustrated by some of his decisions and atitudes. Also, I am not of those who believe that He is the only one in the whole world who can make Arsenal great. No and no for the simple reason that when we got Wenger no one ever thought he could achieve what he has achieved with us (in his first 6 or 7 years ofcourse).

    Based on that, I cannot tie Arsenal future success only to him. I have also noticed that fear of failure is what drives many Wenger stounch supporters. They FEAR that Arsenal will scrumble once Wenger leaves the club – you may be mistaken.

    But Having said that, he is a good coach and manager. But he also need to avoid being too principled. Sometimes doing the obvious can always help.

  • chakravo

    While I am VERY appreciative of your satire, of all the sellings you mention, only Eduardo, Adebayor and Gallas (maybe RvP and Eboue) sound like a bad idea. Here’s an experiment, let’s replace Denilson/Song with ANY central midfielder in ManU, Chelsea, Liverpool, Aston Villa and see what happens. Of course, Denilson and Song are young and will get better, but not in this team. ALL we need is a defensive midfielder. ALL. With that we could be amazing.

  • goonerji

    Great joke. The best post of this week.

  • Nanny

    Hey, we know we can’t win shyte with this team. It’s a joke already, thanks for catching up.