By Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw,
Professor of Clinical Stuies in Universal Psychology, Youth and Original Untold Remedial Services at the University of the North Circular Road, Enfield.
The Department of Universal Psychology, Youth and Original Untold Remedial Services (UpYours) recently received a most generous grant from the various national bodies concerned about mental health to investigate wild and unfounded accusations and rants recently delivered on an increasingly regular basis by members of the journalistic community.
And I am delighted to say that following my appointment as head of UpYours I have been invited to renew my acquaintance with Untold Arsenal to reveal some of my recent academic findings.
The main area of my research, and indeed the main area of concern among our most generous sponsors, has been the instability exhibited by a number of so-called journalists. If left to roam in the wild, it is suggested they may do untold harm to themselves and any windmills they happen to pass by.
By way of example, consider this.
We’ve seen for a long time the delusion among many such “writers” that they can actually read the minds of football fans in the future. It is clearly impossible, but they insist it is true.
This combination of prognostication and telepathy, if ever it were revealed to be true, could be a significant threat to our society. For the fact that no voter ever has a clue what the politicians he/she voted for will do next, is at the very heart of our Kingdom.
Thus the oft-quoted slogan, “Arsenal supporters will be worried that…” has indeed been a call to arms among many from academics, as each has sought to prove or disprove the notions that
a) journalists have any semblance of a grip on reality
b) journalists know what you and I will be thinking next week.
Thus far, gthe evidence is clear. The statements in a) and b) are both untrue.
Take for example the headline that appeared in the Independent on Sunday by Ian Herbert the so-called “Chief Sportswriter at The Independent.”
It reads, and I quote verbatim…
Wilshere taunts aimed at Spurs overshadow Arsenal title ambitions for next season
Now us academics are paid to look at detail, and thus we tend to home in on words such as “overshadow”, and contemplate the meanings. Arsenal FC have just won the FA Cup twice in succession, for the second time, only the second team ever to achieve this feat since the 19th century.
Arsenal, having improved their squad these last two years, having significant money in the bank, and having no FFP to worry about, if FFP remains an issue, and having been the best team in the Premier League in the second half of the season, clearly have some claim to putting in a challenge for the title next season.
That is a point, and one that can be debated through the use of logical argument, studious analysis, a review of the root-and-branch doings of each club, and a swift half down the pub. One might think of the publicity Arsenal have garnered on a world-wide basis through the performance at Wembley (and indeed my academic chum Professor Sir Hardly Anyone reports that the bars of New York were packed solid with fans of the Gunners from dawn to dusk on saturday), and how that will ease the signing of new players anxious to play under the tutelage of Arsene Wenger, and alongside the likes of Ozil and Alexis.
But to say that all that is of nought, because one substitute got up on a bus and shouted “What do you think of Tottenham?” is so bizarre one must worry for the mental health of the copywriter.
The chant Jack Wilshere led was only one that will be heard by all those attending the Emirates at least half a dozen times a game, so there is no chance that anyone attending the match will have suddenly been offended or indeed influenced in the way that by Ian Herbert the so-called “Chief Sportswriter at The Independent,” feels not only was likely to happen, but now is proven to have happened.
In the Herbatian universe, it seems, the most staggering 90 minutes of football seen in a cup final for many a long year, is all to be set aside because a player leads a chant heard at each match.
What evidence is there for this wild and semi-stuffed assertion?
Well, reading the article, the answer is, none, and this is where the long-term grasp of reality by the so-called “writer” is to be questioned, because in the real world, the world that the rest of us inhabit, the world away from newspapers and their fantasies, evidence is used.
Remember the headline did not say Arsenal’s ambitions might be overshadowed, which would be contentious and would require a mountain of support to make it credible, but that it had been overshadowed already!
Worse, the malaise among so-called journalists spread quickly as the Telegraph weighed in with Wilshere’s juvenile posturing leaves acrid taste and further testament to his asinine immaturity
So the “acrid taste” was left where exactly? It is not clear. Perhaps it was a metaphorical acrid taste. And whose definition of asinine immaturity are we seeing here? I mean, if I write
Telegraph and Independent newspapers’ juvenile posturing leaves acrid taste and further testament to his asinine immaturity
then I can back up my stance by what these papers have done this season – the Independent running the press release of the Barcelona President and the Telegraph the press release of PGMO – both presented as news. Thus I give evidence, which as a good psychologist I am trained to do. But these so-called journalists? One moment, and that’s it. A season is gone?
To be clear, the evidence we need is not that what Jack Wilshere did was asinine (clearly that is just a matter of opinion) but that it had any effect on anyone other than the delicate writers of the Telegraph and Indy.
It is interesting in view of the apparent otherworldliness exhibited that the Independent article ended with this headline
Whilst I personally do not particularly approve of Jack’s actions, a proper sense of perspective is called for, recognising that the chant itself is not uncommon, as well as the positive aspects of a star player identifying with the supporters and showing some emotional solidarity with them.
The mock outrage shown by some journalists is ridiculous, as is the pompous phrase “expletive laden” used repeatedly on Sky reports.
oh dear, well we have to settle for another FA cup for next season now Jack has destroyed any chance of a PL title yesterday…. LOL
I arrived at a pub at Seven Sisters road and Blakstock road around 14.30 on Saturday and I left Seven Sisters Road on Sunday afternoon around 15.00. In that time phase I think I have heard the” what you think of tottnum” shout more than 100 times. If not Thousand times.
I think Jack is not just a player but like also a few other players a real supporter of this club and identifies himself completely with this club and their supporters. And so he just like most of the supporters will use any opportunity to let the world know that the answer is … shit. 😉
We out there in the pooring rain in front of the Emirates loved it. What the journalists think of it can be used to wrap in the fish and ships tomorrow.
Q: How did the anti-Wengerian press cope with Wenger’s latest triumph
A: By complaing about an Arsenal Footballler singing a football song. After winning a football tournament. I must admit, I was not surprised. But id did laugh when stood near the cannons as Jack sang a song. A shame the FA drowned out the football fans at the football stadium after the final whistle by cranking up their cheap arsed PA system. You won’t see any of these weak pathetic hack dwarves commenting on that easy to make observation.
Some of weak mind can be observed 24hours later to be simply repeating what they are told to say. By the Heil and other such strange rags owned by even stranger shadows that lurk offshore in some haven. Same old same old.
The choices dear readers, are yours.
As far as profanity goes Jack’s bons mots were pretty tame. His comments were not aimed at the chattering classes but at the Arsenal faithful who have received a lot of stick from that Middlesex lot over the years. Quite frankly the bleating mob of media chinwags will never like the Arsenal. And we don’t care.
The sensible part of me wishes that Jack had not behaved like that. The immature part is delighted that he did. And given that I largely enjoy sport because at times my behaviour makes Peter Pan look old I can only agree with his sentiments.
Slightly off topic (but only a little bit) I would like more to be published about Doc McGraw and his Professorship of Clinical Stuies at my old University.
For those of you who are not as educated as what I am, it is the study of stews….Liverpool scouse, Lancashire hotpot, Irish stew, etc.
I achieved a 2:1 degree mainly due to my practical presentation of my Gran’s butter bean stew where the (soaked) beans, carrots and potatoes gently dissolved into a delicious soup/stew which Doc McGraw once described as North Circular Delight.
I am proud to have after my name, the following letters BSc(Stuies). I wonder how many can claim that. 😉
Whilst I think Jack Wilshere was a little silly for doing what he did, the over reaction in the media has been quite ridiculous. Wilshere is the product of the ‘sport’ they have so gleefully constructed, More pantomime that proper football. He gave them some headlines so they are using them to the fullest extent. Have to seriously laugh at some Spurs fans mock anger at the whole situation. It was not long ago that we witnessed the scenes of a snarling Clive Allen taunting and mocking Wenger whilst ‘getting into his face’ when Spurs won 2-1 at their dump. After the game the insults followed from Allen. Its simply a rivalry that breeds that kind of behaviour it seems, but the anger seems constantly aimed at Arsenal no matter whether our players are heroes or villains.
No doubt the story will indeed be fish and chip paper shortly.
Sorry nicky – that sounds like a cooked up story!
Eagle eyes there Nicky.
The obvious search for a clinical stew turns up nothing. But, carefully reading the results, maybe there is something. It isn’t hard to spot that the famous Mayo Clinic has a recipe section. But surely a plain beef stew from the Mayo Clinic isn’t a clinical stew?
Read a little further. Everyone know of the magical powers of Guinness, and that doctors have prescribed Guinness for its goodness. So, possibly a beef and carrot stew made with Guinness is a clinical stew.
But you then went on to talk about beans, and we all know we don’t get enough fibre. I submit that a Tuscan white bean recipe from the Mayo Clinic, is a clinical stew.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/recipes/beef-stew/rcp-20049978
http://www.inspiredtaste.net/12143/beef-and-guinness-stew-recipe/
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/recipes/tuscan-white-bean-stew/rcp-20049889
Jack. Gooner. Human being. Who cares, he won again , just tribal banter that the Spurs loving anti arsenal media have used against the club. There are far bigger issues in the world , but heard that chant all day at the Emirates and holloway rd, Jack, I salute you, I hope Spurs fans feeling upset are equally upset at some of their own chants about Arsene Wenger…and sol Campbell.
Dear UpYours
I’m not shit*ing you, this is a brilliant article.
My complaint about Jack is that when he chanted the same things last year, his delivery and diction were more pronounced, and the recorded response, phenomenal (according to the youtube file).
Was Jack slightly Flintoffed? Thank **** he didn’t break his brittle ankles whilst climbing abroad the podium, eh?
By the way, which durtie rags tried to say Jack’s going to ManC or Chelski?
Are such rags as sh*tty as I know and expect? Can I get an 2:1 for rhetorical, non-sensical questions? Shall I get my coat?
Because they couldn’t fault our flawless performance they latch onto this to attack Arsenal. Shocking.
I must say I was kind of surprised to read this by a Guardian journo defending Jack (a quick search shows he’s written some kind articles on Arsenal previously so maybe he’s the exception to the rule);
http://www.theguardian.com/football/blog/2015/jun/01/arsenal-jack-wilshere-song-tottenham-outrage
I think I have a clinical stews comment coming up at some point, having 3 URLs, it has been moderated.
—
It was disappointing that no coverage of the Arsenal Ladies U17 FA Youth Cup against _another_ Aston Villa team could be found on Sunday. That even by the end of the working day on Monday (in the UK), there still is nothing is bad. Stratford Herald (a local newspaper) ran an article, because the game was being played at a Stratford facility, and a local person was on the Aston Villa team. But they never followed up on their report (which was a game preview). The Arsenal Ladies FAWSL website mentions the game, and points to the twitter feed. The twitter feed came across with a result. Then one of the Arsenal Ladies from the first team confirmed the result. Then we see a twit from the Arsenal Ladies manager congratulating the team. And fourth, something has been posted on facebook (from the note, a bunch of pictures).
Arsenal.com if you go looking for it, mentions that this game exists (a pre-game note). I sent an email to feedback Sunday, and got an automated reply that they would get back to me within 5 business days.
It is much harder to find at The FA that this game was to happen, and again there is no report now that the game has finished.
And doing Google searches in the News, all you see is the Stratford Herald pre-game report. Everyone has dropped the ball. Yes, we won the FA Cup twice in a row. What people don’t yet get, is we got the FA Cup double twice in a row. Last year the Ladies first team won (I don’t remember against who), and this year an Arsenal U17 Ladies team won, playing against the same team the Mens first team played against.
—
I think this is one of the things Wenger has been looking for, as a person can build on this. Who knows what will happen in the transfer market (certainly the whorenalists don’t, they keep making up stories). (Wenger Stadium attendant: yes, you have a valid press pass. But your newspaper published 13 fabricated stories since the last season ended, and policy says we cannot let anyone from your organization enter until after the 13th Arsenal game of this season.)
People heal from injuries better when happy. Is Welbeck happy being injured? Is Diaby happy? Excepting Alexis, all Arsenal players will get a nice break. I hope they don’t spend all the time doing nothing, an active lifestyle doing nothing remotely football like would be better. I like hiking in mountainous terrain for that. Come back to training on a high (don’t read newspapers in the mean time), we have some pre-season stuff to do (avoiding Stoke in Singapore, Emirates Cup). Akpom has been scoring. Gnabry and others are looking to get a start.
As far as that Barclays thing goes, I really do think it should be approached as avoiding Stoke. If Stoke wins their first game, Arsenal should try to lose their first game to avoid playing Stoke.
The team will be in London some of the pre-season time.
I think all the teams can feed off each other, if they let themselves do this. I’m a Canadian, and the only good football team we have is the Women. I don’t watch TV much any more, but if I do, I have no problem watching the Canadian Women play. Of course, I want them to win.
To me, Alexis is a top predatory dog: wolf, jackal or similar. I think his presence has been, and will continue to be a good example to the rest of the Mens team. I have no idea if his presence at an Arsenal Womens training session would be useful. I think having Mesut Ozil and/or Santi Cazorla at a Womans session could be quite useful to the Ladies manager (Losa). What they do is all about the beauty of the game, and isn’t mostly involved in absolute physical ability. Podolski will be back at some point. I’ve no idea if he will be here long. But I think having Podolski at a Womans training session would be useful.
I have seen snippets of Wenger being interested in everything at Arsenal.
I think that if all this positive news from this season feeds on itself, it will help the first team and the academy. I think it could help much of the ladies side as well.
But what do I know? I lack many abilities to be a manager.
Sky Sports’ Arsenal “news” page has 5 separate “articles” about Wilshere. In one article they also finish with “Arsenal fans will want…” etc., exactly as in Dr. The Dog’s assessment. Interesting how the symptoms spread throughout the species.
Follow-up with respect to that Barclays Tournament.
England should have good referees, it is too bad that the PGMO ever came into existence.
At best, we can expect substandard referees in Singapore.
And Murphy’s Law says that Arsenal plays before Stoke, and hence can’t throw the game to avoid playing Stoke.
An easy solution is to take a lot of the youth team there, but that isn’t fair to them either. They have not been doing well in their league, and if they were to take back a bunch of injuries due to the stupid play of Stoke, they likely wouldn’t have any chance of getting back to where they should be here.
If Arsenal does play first, by all means play to win the game. If it turns out that Stoke beats Everton (and so, we would have to play Stoke in the next game), I think Arsenal should talk to Stoke and the tournament organizers. If Stoke plays their usual (break the legs) game, Arsenal either walks off the pitch at the first bad foul, or doesn’t return to the pitch at half time. And if that is an insult to Barclays or Singapore, that is too bad. They are the entities involved with inviting them in the first place.
In league play, this kind of behavior is not allowed. But for a by-invitation tournament, I think this is the perfect opportunity to send a message about officials allowing one team to kick the shit out of the other team.
No, surely not Everton as well as Stoke? Why the @@@@ are Arsenal doing this? Arsenal are wanted for pre season friendlies all over the world, and they know damn well there’ll be a good kicking in waiting.
Everton broke Giroud’s tibia, and majorly pissed up Ryo’s career.
Stoke? wtf.
English refs?
Pul-ease!
Ta for info about the ladies fkup, Gord.
Dear Gord and Rantetta, as a supporter of Arsenal I am with you about (any) players getting hurt playing friendlies. I am sick to the gut of the wild tackles on Arsenal players that have left them broken. However when I support the Arsenal I accept that all decisions are made in a rationale way that includes Wenger’s choice of this tournament, instead one in Canada. But the Singaporeans you dismiss as referees and tournament hosts have hosted other EPL teams in pre-season without serious incident or injury so they are not the naive amateurs you seem to imply.
Why is Arsenal coming to Singapore? I can assure you it’s for the money and to challenge ManU and Liverpool as the most followed clubs in Asia. Wenger would also know that this country vigorously prosecutes match fixers and copy-right infringers. You know that bumper TV deal for the 2015/16 EPL, we here in Singapore pay about 10 pounds a month just to watch the teams we follow because many streams are blocked. I consider that fair and good value even when Arsenal lose.
Singaporeans will pay good money or a minimum of 58 pounds (row Z) to watch what is effectively a preseason warm-up. That is equivalent to a Cat A ticket to the Emirates Cup. Remember it all adds up for our club to move forward. My son and I will be there in row Z because that is what I can afford. Will a Stoke or Everton player smash Walcott or Carloza. Are they here to make new fans or create new enemies? But if they do hurt our players you can be sure they’ll hear from us in row Z. Victoria Concordia Crescit
Dear Dr. Billy “the Dog” McGraw,
Thank you dear esteemed colleague for this timely , meticulous and well researched study by your highly dedicated study group on this greatly disingenuous , misinforming, misfiring and downright imbecilic bunch of twats known as ostriches ,to us , but as jurnos to the uninitiated and to the great unwashed .
The above term was just recently accepted by our fraternity as not only being apt and most accurate , but also very clearly pertinent and felicitous; all thanks to that great mind of our times , that foxy visionary N.Pearson of the famed Leicester school of Houdinic Achievements , whose Alma Mater’s motto is ,” Anything is possible , the impossible just takes a little more time “. The old motto of ” Now you see it , now you don’t !” , was deemed too archaic. As was the older medieval ,” Abracadabra !” , which was deemed too sexists , you know , too many bras in it !
This brainy revelation apparently came to him in a white , blinding flash of pique during a post match gathering ,where the dogged and braying inquisidors had all came out with the wrong conclusions , barked up all the wrong trees , and chasing of their own tails in a vain attempt to sniff out some bones of discontentment and disagreement in the Foxes Liar .
He , in his ‘eureka ‘ moment is supposedly to have ( allegedly) utter those world reverberating and earth shattering ( to them !) words , ” Shut the fuck up , you idiotic , posturing catamites and pea brained ostriches !”
Many present ,fell to their knees in humble supplication , in agreement and in awe of those words of prophetic proportions ,which in their hearts and minds knew to be the truth . They had suspected and known it for long , but in true herd mentality hid it from their true selves. But that day , they were truly set free , and thanked Pearson , the Gods and some others for showing them the correct path.
Which only leaves me only to tell you about the ostriches’ reaction. . Many of them were taken aback and were dumbfounded( not saying much there as they were dumb to begin with !); the others in the true and atavistic behaviour of their kind , dove head first into the ground , forgetting that it was hard concrete .
Well long story ( sorry !), short , it was all bloody and messy . But not so strangely ,there were no grey matter to be found at all ! All this was never reported ( duh !) by them and what the headlines screamed was that Nigel Pearson had insulted them by calling them ostriches .
When in actual fact , the brilliant Prof. Pearson had irrefutably and unrevocably proved his point , as all respected practitioners of our noble art should. Long may the true believers reign supreme .
Lastly , and as a caution , please be aware that there is an imposter on here , named nicky , who often claims to have studied our science , but gives very conflicting
accounts of his qualifications .Half the colleges he has professed to have attended are now extinct ! Beware of him .
With all mirthful best wishes ,
Yours fraternally ,
Dr. Brickfields ‘Bricky’ Gunners
Understanding them –
http://www.ba-bamail.com/content.aspx?emailid=15727&memberid=763708
I thank you Doc for going where I have decided not to tread. The newspapers are not even worth the paper they are printed on since chip shops no longer wrap their deep fried goodies within them.
On Jack. He is the adopted son of the North Bank and has been since he burst onto the scene. He is also (when it chooses the media) the future of the England midfield. He is the classic English sports hero and so his destiny is to be lauded by the press, then brought low and demonized, before the whole circus starts again.
Why should he have any love for Tottnum, whose supporters delight in singing about his injuries in a way that make Stoke Orcish hordes seem decent? The papers might mention this if they wanted a balanced report but of course balance is alien to the pond life of Fleet Street as it is to a drunk fat bloke trying to negotiate a zebra crossing after closing time.
What you think of Tottnum?
Very nice write-up!!
I am of the opinion the Jack is of course a young lad (I remember being one of those once!!) and aside of him doing what most of the fans do each and every game (chant at the spuds) I see nothing wrong!
The journalists are just in sour grape mode!!!
Dr. Billy , are you aware of a recently published study that showed that exposure too much of smut material could result in excessive hair growth on the hands and in severe case even blindness ?
Could this be due to the coming in contact with poor quality of the newsprint and ink , as well as the glare/ radiation from the computer , Iphones, Ipads and all the other modern gadgets ?
Or could it just be the poor and obscene quality of the contents contained therein itself ?
Or are we being really jerked off here ?
Could you suggest a very good and effective hair removal cream/lotion/ portion ?
For my patients of course !
After such a good season, as one of the more elderly Arsenal supporters, I feel disposed to publish my Gran’s recipe for butterbean soup. This nectar has long been a must in the Colney and Emirates kitchens.
Be prepared for a world-wide demand for butterbeans though.
1. Soak (say)a pound of butterbeans in water for about 48 hours. As it’s vital that the beans dissolve in cooking, those bought in a health shop seem the best.
2.Skin the beans. The skin should remove easily.
3. Put the beans into a large saucepan in water. Add thinly sliced carrots, liquidized onion, thyme, parsley, cup-a-soup, stock cube, knob of beef dripping (butter for vegetarians) and finely diced
potatoes.
4.Cook until beans are seen to be totally dissolved.
5. Serve with crusty French bread with lashings of the richest butter available. Like most home-made soups, it tastes better on the next day.
I really shouldn’t release this info over the internet, especially as Spurs supporters will be reading it and will pass the recipe on to their team. 😉
semeotist
I wasn’t trying to say there was some other tournament that I would prefer Arsenal go to. Nor was I trying to imply that officials in Singapore are bad.
This tournament Barclays is sponsoring has 3 EPL teams, the other 2 of which we are already very familiar with. We already know that at least one of these other 2 EPL teams cannot be trusted with referees from England, how bad are they going to be with unknown referees?
I do appreciate the importance of visiting far away places in preseason. I would much rather see Arsenal play teams local to where they are visiting, than to travel all that distance to play teams we already play during the regular season.
In terms of some other tournament, I believe the only other tournament I was writing about yesterday was some Ladies tournament.
Just like the ball striking the arm in the penalty box, I don’t think one can undo decisions. So, I will hope that your officials can control play so that no team has to come back with injuries. And I hope that you enjoy watching the game.
But, if injuries, especially serious injuries start to happen, I would wish that Arsenal walk off the pitch.
semeotist
Pardon me please, but I may have mis-read, I thought the refs would be from England.
Arsenal played in Asia two or three years ago and a local ref allowed their biggest team to kick us around a bit. Plus, there’s a bit of history when it comes to weakening Arsenal in July and August.
Having said that, I can feel the warmth from the Asian fans in their home stadiums, and also at events set up for fans to meet Arsenal’s players.
I do hope you and your family enjoy the tournament.
Oh nicky what have you done! Sir Alex of the Fergus has given up pizza & is demanding soup be thrown at him!
OK, So you’re now ‘Head’ of UpYours……. and how does that make you feel?
Thanks Dr.McGraw.Its interesting to read that the Hack Immaturity award 2015 was passed on Jack W this year, he sang the same last year( except “my old man” was introduced this time much to their horror) without much journo interest.No doubt this years story was picked up after a bit of lunchtime O’Boulez (etc)…
Will the Independent will be pushing in the future to ban all football songs with swear words in them?Hopefully Dial Sq.Dave will take them on…
Strange how Mr.Herbert has predicted that this major “incident”will be over shadowing next years title race. Such pure speculative journalism is always worth wasting a few minutes of ones life over when you could be doing other things like cooking up lasagne and sending over as a complimentary dish to the Totnumb Coop XI.
It did however concern me though that perhaps a shadow really is forming over next years title race, so I phoned up a world renowned chief clairvoyant,’Herbivore Chjimaringhortentse Dewitt-Bogweed MA’ and he said theres nothing to be worried about.Which is good to know! He also has this weeks lotto numbers which he can give over for a fee(undisclosed), and aura massages for 350 quid a throw.
http://www.gocomics.com/wumo/2015/05/27
Rare cases from the files of the Medical Division of UA-
http://www.gocomics.com/wumo/2015/05/11
I do not see why Jack should not do what he did. We sometimes forget that he is in reality still a “child” 🙂 even though deemed a man in our society, and will sometimes act like a child would. Indeed some of us much older also do “childish” things. Why? Because childish things are usually very much fun.
The squeak could reveal that there is actually still a little humidity in the shoe. As a matter of fact, wedding ceremony footwears that you can scarcely fit in could cause a couple of damaged legs. Furthermore, they equally circulate the pressure administered when the laces are actually firmed up.