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October 2016
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Personal Terms Agreed For 28 Goals €30m Rated Arsenal Target and other spoofs

By Iva Madeitup

So here we are again, another day another load of spoof headlines.  The last collection proved to be just about the most popular piece Untold has published this year, so here are eight more, all garnered today, 16 June.

As The Who famously said, “Won’t get fooled again”.


Arsenal News – Club ANNOUNCE Major Transfer Business Is Done – Not Petr Cech    Judging by the rumours in the newspapers, Arsenal are very lately to be one of the most active clubs in the transfer window this season. Lots of players have been linked to the gunners but none have so far be signed but it does seem only a matter of time before the first signing is announced.

Aside in coming and outgoing players, Arsenal are also busy reshuffling their coaching staffs. Swansea city have officially announced they have signed goalkeeper coach Tony Roberts from Arsenal.

Tony Roberts who was an Arsenal goalkeepers’ coach has left the gunners to team up with Swansea City in a move that gives a big hint of what to expect on Arsenal transfer businesses in the next few days. Roberts’ move to Swansea can only be because Arsenal are sure of signing Petr Cech from Chelsea and if reports are reports are anything to go by, Cech will be joining the gunners alongside his coach at Chelsea Christophe Lollichon.

However, with Christophe Lollichon likely to come in, it reports to be seen what happens to Peyton Groves who is not so well regarded among the fans and players – reportedly.

Hang on, what was that headline again

Arsenal News – Club ANNOUNCE Major Transfer Business Is Done – Not Petr Cech

And that relates to the article how exactly?

Almost Done – Personal Terms Agreed For 28 Goals €30m Rated Arsenal Target

Many Arsenal fans who are hoping to see Wenger sign high rated Sevilla striker Carlos Bacca this summer need to bury the thoughts as quick as possible. This is because according to reports from highly reliable Italian media house Gazzetta dello Sport, the Colombian has agreed personal terms on a four years contract with AS Roma and all that is left for the deal to be done and dusted is for both Roma and Sevilla to agree on a transfer fee.
Now that was a spoof headline if ever I saw one.

ANGRY Arsenal star Santi Cazorla talks about GUNNERS EXIT

“I have two more years on my contract here and I hope to complete them.

“I’m very happy in Arsenal and in the Premier League. I feel loved and valued by the team and supporters.”

Notice the GUNNERS EXIT as if it were important.  Since when did block caps signify something that was not going to happen?

Santi Cazorla opens up about possible ARSENAL EXIT

Arsenal midfielder Santi Cazorla has given Gunners fans one less thing to worry about this summer by confirming his desire to stay with the club, the Daily Star reports.

Recently, reports had surfaced that the 30-year-old had been keen to seal a return to his homeland this summer in order to be closer to his loved ones.

Links had claimed that he would be heading to the capital to feature for La Liga title contenders Atletico Madrid, but the diminutive dribbler has rubbished those reports by suggesting that he is happy in north London and intends to see out the remaining two years on his contract.

Hey ho

Arsenal agreement in place as one of games best set to sign up

Arsenal have reportedly agreed a £14m deal with Chelsea for keeper Petr Cech, according to the Daily Express website.

The Blues legend is leaving Stamford Bridge as he goes in search of first-team football.

And reports claim that the Gunners have fought-off competition from Paris St-Germain for the 33-year-old stopper.

That is incidentally the total piece.  I haven’t edited anything out, that was it.  52 words.  But it was worth waiting for.  Wasn’t it?

Bid ACCEPTED – Arsenal To ANNOUNCE Major Transfer Deal After Copa America – Not Cech

According to reports in the Turkish media, Arsenal and Fenerbahce have reached an agreement for the transfer of Goalkeeper David Ospina. The media in Turkey are all reported Arsenal have accepted a 4 million bid from Fenerbahce for Ospina and a deal is set to be announced once the player is done playing in the Copa America for Colomobia.

(Their spelling error this time, not mine.  Nice to say “not Cech”.)

Arsenal handed massive boost in chase for PSG sensation

Arsenal’s hopes have been raised in their pursuit of Paris Saint-Germain youngster Adrien Rabiot. According to revelations made by the player’s mother and agent, Veronique, the 20 year old is considering moving away from Parc des Princes in order to land himself regular game time and develop well.

Veronique was quoted in The Metro, saying: “Adrien loves and is attached to PSG, it is the club of his heart. He wants to have a career here. But it’s not possible. If Adrien leaves PSG, he is not leaving for the sake of leaving, he is leaving in order to play. He is not a mercenary. He wants to be anchored in a team, earning his place.

So the massive boost here is that the player’s mother says he will leave if he can’t further his career at PSG.  Nothing about Arsenal then.

Arsenal transfer update: Gunners to bring in superb £45m trio to bolster defence

Valued at around £14m, Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech looks like edging ever nearer to joining Arsenal in what could be one of the biggest moves of the summer. A cut above players like Ospina and Wojciech Szczesny, the 33-year-old would be a great addition to Wenger’s side.

For a further £18m, Arsenal are being linked with a move to sign Borussia Dortmund defensive midfielder Sven Bender. The German international, twin brother of Bayer Leverkusen’s Lars, could make a fine partner for Coquelin in the middle of the park after seemingly showing a desire to move this summer.

Finally, another £13m could go on a much-needed signing at centre-back, Sokratis Papastathopoulos, who is also looking likely to leave Dortmund at the end of this season, with Arsenal previously linked as strong admirers of the Greek international.

Notice that the “going to bring in” concept in the headline very quickly disappears once the article starts.  And the centre back is much needed.  Better remember that.

Ah well, that was fun.

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Anniversary of the day

20 June 1966: Bertie Mee became Arsenal manager.  After the experience of taking a very high profile ex-footballer as manager Arsenal sought to repeat the success of Tom Whittaker by promoting their physiotherapist.

The full anniversaries index can be found here.



16 comments to Personal Terms Agreed For 28 Goals €30m Rated Arsenal Target and other spoofs

  • Ryan F

    Haha, that was brilliant! Best to just ignore the transfer gossip. As I always say: ‘Don’t believe any transfer rumours until it’s officially announced on the club website!’

  • abd

    Arsenal’s current defenders are in good quality but sometimes, I saw defending missing to control the opponent attacks.
    So, I believe Arsenal need to update the defensive performance and one of a very good scorer(toppest goal machine).

  • Keep all l
    our english youngsters

    Plus a couple or three more good ones to be bought

  • Omerta

    I haven’t read the article, just like I haven’t read any other article containing “transfer gossip”. No doubt, this is yet another fine piece mocking the silly season.
    My problem is: even in mocking all the media offerings, you are still actually paying attention to them. Don’t. Just don’t.

  • Menace

    The latest news is that both Mourinho & Ferguson are going to sign for Arsenal as apprentices to learn social science & the art of football.

  • Gord

    Chile did play Bolivia today, and Alexis Sanchez did start, and played the entire game. Chile won 5-0, with Alexis picking up one of the goals(2nd). Bolivia got 3 yellows to 0 of Chile. Hopefully Vidal did not write off another car on the way home. Chile finishes the group stage in 1st place in Group A.

    Colombia (and Ospina) play in 2 days.

  • Gord

    Alexis’s goal was a diving header, which I don’t think he has done for Arsenal (yet). From one picture, it looks like he was almost stepped on in the process of scoring. He had hit the post on free kicks at 19 and 30 minutes. Chile outshot Bolivia 18(6) to 5(1). Tackles and fouls were about equal, with Chile a couple behind in both categories. Possession was 67-33 to Chile.

  • nicky

    While I fully accept all the plaudits about Cech as an international class goalkeeper, I cannot fathom out why he is so out of favour at Chelsea.
    Should Arsenal sign him, would there be accompanying baggage? 😉

  • Delford Magaya

    They have been a lot of talk about transfer deals, but none of them have go through. Sports writer and media continue to speculate a lot about who Arsenal is going to buy, and from what I have been reading since the season closed, it is all the same story, but nothing has been done about it. Are the media and sports reporters doing a proper re-seach? I am not sure, if they are doing their job well, if they are doing their job well, how come they are writing the same thing everyday for more than a month? and all of them always write the same information. What is their problem? We want good story not an everyday story for more than a month.

  • Gord

    Nicky, I think there is more than that. If Cech won’t play at Chelsea any more, he should not be getting sold at a premium, and he should not be getting paid a premium wage to come over.

  • For me i think the perfect player we should buy for center midfield is Axel Witsel as he is an estalished player,strong on the ball. he can add good quality to the team.

  • i don’t really know the reason why arsen wenger want cech instead of signing striker first

  • Brickfields Gunners

    First and foremost thanks for this great and funny article .
    Secondly thanks to some of the posters for the laughs too , whether intended or not !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    As for story of Tony Roberts moving to Swansea , what many do not know is that this move was already written in the contract that took Fabianski to Wales last year.
    What many may not be aware is that Roberts’ family were originally from Gdansk , and had escaped to the west just before the Soviets ‘liberated’ Poland in WW 2 , and their surname is actually Robertski .
    History buffs may remember that famous name of Brucei Robertski from the the Free Polish partisan resistance movement during the war , whose ‘modus operandi ‘ of branding their captives’ forehead with ,first the swastika on the Nazis , and later the hammer and tongs on the Reds ( with a spider web background ?), was immortalised in the movie ,the Inglourious Basterds.
    The Roberts’ are not only related to the Fabianski family but also are the proud godparents to their kids . So there really nothing sinister or untoward to be read into this move .Just another Hallmark moment.

    This information is freely available in their press , but since its all in Welsh , you ‘d need a good translator .The Google translator doesn’t work for some reason – there are no vowels in them !
    The Polish one seems to be even more confusing .

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I am surprised that there is no mention of Roman Abramovich ‘moving in’ to bale out Greece initially , to avoid a default and then plans to pay off all their debts to the EU , US and all the others .
    It is reported by unconfirmed sources that he plans not only to buy the whole debt , but also Greece itself and at the same time free the people from this crushing debt.
    Having done his initial trial first in London , where he made mockery of their archaic ‘systems ‘ , he is now ready take to the international level.
    He feels that having had much success in buying an ailing club , pumping money into it ,and having turned its fortunes in such a dramatic way that it is now regarded as a top , top club , he believes that he has the formula that could make Greece great again .
    While in a few days the whole story will unravel on the unsuspecting public , our agents were the first to this story .How it will play out , right now ,we can only guess , but think about it and make up you minds with these clues .

    1. Greece – In crisis – on the Mediterranean and a busy gateway ; in EU , NATO , UN ; a developed with good infrastructure , stadiums , having had hosted the Olympics and European Championships ( and a winner at that !) in urgent need of cash bale out .

    2. Russia – In crisis – with many border /internal conflicts ; looming WC games and in threat of being taken away ; unhappy Russian Mafia, bookies and populace if that should happen. A bare chested show off president .

    3. Switzerland – Crisis in FIFA – a disposed president , but still not quite headless yet ; engulfing corruption investigation , Swiss legal changes may still make it an outlaw ; in charge of disputed WC games as early as 2018 .

    4.Qatar – In crisis over 2022 – too hot for summer games ; too many stadia accidents ; on going investigation regarding awarding of games ; but money no problem ,has an airline to ferry own fans free of charge .

    5. Crisis on the Mediterranean – Economic / war migrants on ships and on land – will work , need housing , safety and many countries in urgent need of a solution .

    Answer – Enter , Roman Abramovic – The master showman in need of a truly international showpiece.

    A Russian white knight ? He who has benefited from Putin’s largess ; and returns to save the Russians’ pride .
    Saves Greece from collapse , holds many ‘toga’ parties , and is proclaimed the ‘new’ Zeus .Gives some more money to the Greeks ( titles don’t come cheap !)
    Holds Russian and maybe even the Qatar WC games there at minimal cost and in a very short notice .More money for Greece .
    Saves FIFA ‘s face ( and asses !)and gives safe haven for Septic Bladder , his minions and his millions ( or maybe billions ?). Even more money for Greece.
    Saves thousands of migrants and gives them a fresh new start .
    A Nobel Prize for sure .

    Too far fetched ? Maybe , but keep your eyes on the ‘breaking’ news over the next few days !
    You heard it here on UA first .

  • Brickfields Gunners

    What ? Not a single LIKE ?
    Not even a spurting of tea /coffee / beers ?
    Damn , very glad that I have a day job to go back to !