By Dr Billy “the Dog” McGraw, head of psychiatry and odd behaviour at the University College Hospital of the North Circular Road.
It is like a drug I suppose. You know it makes no sense at all, clowns to the left of me jokers to the right…
But still everyone has to keep reading, and you have to hand it to Goonernews they really do find all the jolly stuff which is so outrageous that you simply don’t have time to pick up the next pint of beer.
On this outing I shall look at the actual illness that the writer of this stuff suffers from, but first, I shall start with one that breaks the mould a little, in that it is actually about a transfer. The headline is grossly misleading of course, but still, there is a real player involved and a slight chance he might be bound our way…
Now I should warn you that the “Welcome to the Emirates” bit is a trifle misleading, as it suggests the player is signed, medicalled and waving an Arsenal shirt. But in fact, the story goes…
According to the Metro, Real Madrid may have pulled out of the race to sign Chile and Juventus midfielder, Arturo Vidal. The Juventus midfielder, who is currently with his teammates in the ongoing Copa America, is a player highly on demand.
A more realistic headline might be “Real Mad rumoured to have pulled out of rumoured deal for Vidal, it is rumoured.”
But moving on…
CONFIRMED: Arsenal COMPLETES 2 SHOCK Transfers! takes us back to the standard trickery and lunatic buffoonery.
You see how you have been fooled by the opening two lines…
Arsenal are undoubtedly on the lookout for world class stars ahead of next season, but the Gunners themselves will also lose a few of theirs as well.
Even worse, this news is so old its already turned up in the Anniversary Files…
Arsenal have officially confirmed the departure of Ryo Miyaichi and Semi Ajayi away from Arsenal to St. Pauli and Cardiff City respectively.
Trying with increasing desperation, I move on to…
Confirmed: Arsenal agree deal for WORLD CLASS striker, Arsenal fans reportedly jubilant with move
This surely must be it. But when I clicked all I got was that same old sign…
Site note available
Still, without daunt (is there a word “daunt” – there should be as there is “undaunted”) I moved on and got another of the most popular duology of words on the planet: “Not Cech!”
DONE! Arsenal FINALLY AGREE Transfer For £110,000-a-week Star. NOT Cech!
I think I am not getting the hang of the fact that DONE! actually means we have sold someone. In this case it is …
Arsenal’s German forward Lukas Podolski is set to leave the Emirates Stadium this summer after a three-season stint with the north London club.
Podolski is reportedly on his way to Turkey, after Istanbul club Galatasaray agreed a deal with Arsenal for the German forward.
But I am still in search of that real transfer story, and yes! this is like a drug, I have to go on and on and on and on clicking and clicking to find the story that really tells me Arsenal are signing someone. This must be it…
Personal terms have been agreed as Arsenal to see shock transfer happen
Not so much of a shock in fact as this is one of the most touted stories on the internet. David Ooooooooospina has reportedly agreed personal terms with Fenerbahce ahead of a summer transfer, according to the Metro website.
Swansea City has appointed former Wales international Tony Roberts as the club’s new first-team goalkeeping coach.
Many have said the exit of Tony Roberts to Swansea is a clear proof Cech to arsenal deal will be announced anytime soon, as there have been reports that Cech will be bringing his own personal Coach to the Emirates.
Actually not that many, mostly this kid in his shed suffering from existential isolation.
Julian Draxler could be making a shock move to the Emirates Stadium this summer according to sources in Germany.
The Metro claim Arsenal have moved a step closer to signing the Schalke midfield star, with the German international reportedly set for a move to the Premier League this summer.
And there we have it. A desperate desire for fame and 50p earned by people mistakenly clicking on links because the screen keeps on tricking them as to which button should be clicked.
My advice is: don’t click any of them. These guys need help.
The books (which are not written from a sense of existential isolation, or so I am told).
Woolwich Arsenal: The club that changed football – Arsenal’s early years
Making the Arsenal – how the modern Arsenal was born in 1910
The Crowd at Woolwich Arsenal