€40M Arsenal target to have medical, and other spoofs of the day
By Sir Hardley Anyone, spoof king of the decade.
The spoof of the day series presents a review of some of the websites that present advance news in terms of who is seemingly beyond being spotted at the airport and is even now moving into a new house in Totteridge. Except, maybe they aren’t. Take our first entry for example
1. BREAKING NEWS – €40M ARSENAL TARGET TO HAVE MEDICAL ON MONDAY, PERSONAL TERMS AGREED
“Accoding to reports by high rated Italian journalist, Di Marzio, Arsenal target Geoffrey Kondogbia is set to sign for Inter Milan. This is coming days after news broke that the player has held discussion with Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger. According to reports, Wenger wants the player at the Emirates but if newer reports are anything to go by, it is either the discussion Wenger held with the player did not go well or Arsenal have been priced out.”
So in fact the story might have said “Arsenal fail to get player who they probably weren’t after but some nutter in the Sun once said they were”.
And again, it is bad news, or should that be utterly invented news that had nothing to do with Arsenal in the first place. In fact it is the same story dressed up with a different headline
“Arsenal have lost out on one of their major transfer target Geoffrey Kondogbia. Just few days ago news emerged that Arsenal are trying to sign the high rated AS Monaco star. Some reports even claimed Wenger personally spoke to the player with a view to bringing him to Arsenal.”But this one feeds the web sites own demand that you come back for more.”Arsenal are much more luctrative than Inter Milan and play in a much more better and attractive league than the Serie A. If it is not money that is the problem, could it be that Wenger feels he has a chance of signing someone better than the Frenchman? Maybe Morgan Scheridelin? Maybe William Carlvaho?Only time will time.”
That of course is true, but the writer can’t help a “we can outdo the Daily Mail” twist at the end.
“However, Wenger will be shooting himself on the foot if the transfer window closes and Arsenal still only have Francis Coquelin as the only defensive midfielder at the club – never mind the presence of Arteta and Flamini.”
3. GOOD NEWS! €90,000-a-week MIdfielder FINALLY Cleared To Join Arsenal
Now this looks more interesting, as at least it has the word “Arsenal” in the headline.
“Arsenal are now in pole position to complete the signing of one of Arsene Wenger’s most important summer target. The Gunners can now swoop in for Juventus midfielder Arturo Vidal this summer according to reports in Spain.
“According to popular Spanish media outlet Marca, Arsenal have been cleared to complete the signing of Chilean star Vidal, as contenders for his signature Real Madrid are thought to have pulled out of the race to land the talented midfielder.”
Unfortunately I am not quite sure that the rumour that Real Mad have pulled out is actually the same as Arsenal being “cleared”.
4. ALMOST DONE – ARSENAL COMPLETE £24.1M SIGNING, WILL ANNOYED LOUIS VAN GAALNow this one we have heard before…
“Arsenal are set to complete the signing of Morgan Schneiderlin for £24.1m, according to a Metro reporter. The Southampton midfielder has been linked with the gunners for quite of number of seasons without a deal materializing.”
And we heard it before and before and before that and before that.
5: BID ACCEPTED – £90,000-A-WEEK ATTACKER SET FOR ARSENAL TRANSFER, SET FOR MEDICALS
Now surely this must be the real deal.
“If reports in the Turkish media is anything to go by, then Arsenal has accepted a 4 million bid from Turkish giants for German world cup winner Lukas Podolski who spent last season on loan with Inter Milan.”
Oh well. “Arsenal transfer” now means “transfer out of Arsenal”. And it was part of last season. Not last season.
6: DONE! Breaking News Expert CONFIRMS PERFECT DM Star WILL Join Arsenal
It is done. At last we have a true story.
“Arsenal’s hope of finally securing the services of long-time target have been boosted with fresh claims by The Sun’s Journalist.
“According to the Metro, Arsenal are set to complete the signing of Southampton’s Morgan Schneiderlin.”
7: DONE DEAL: Arsenal COMPLETE SHOCK £120,000-a-week KEY Signing
You are not going to believe this one. And yes, it has only just gone up.
“Arsenal are reportedly on the lookout for top quality players ahead of next season. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is planning a major title push next season and the boss is aware of the need to bring in only the best in the summer to achieve his target.
“Wenger himself confirmed he would sign only “top players” in the summer, and this has seen the club linked to an avalanche of star players in recent weeks. One of such stars is Chelsea’s Petr Cech, who have been massively linked with a move across London, with fresh reports claiming the Gunners have signed the 33-year-old and will hand him a club.
“According to the Metro, the Gunners are prepared to pay Petr Cech £100,000-a-week making him their highest-ever paid goalkeeper.”
One last try…
8: French star has rejected Barcelona for Arsenal!
“According to Foot Mercato, Nantes midfielder Amine Harit has decided to turn down an offer from Barcelona in order to sign for Arsenal. The 18-years old player is a midfielder. Barcelona and Manchester United are also keen to sign him.
“Despite the confirmation by the agent of the player, that Harit will stay with his current club for the next three seasons, it’s believed that he signs a deal with Arsenal in the coming days and will join the youth side of the Gunners.”
So the player’s agent says he will stay with his club, but Foot Mercato which is is a French online rumour mill says he won’t. Quoting them is a bit like me quoting one of the sources above. Which I suppose I just have.
Source: All the stories here come from Goonernews – which I really must stress, apart from the good for a laugh sillyness that is quoted here really does have a wide range of good stuff, including some very good info on how to get tickets for the Arsenal. And where to park, when you do.
Anniversary of the day:24 June 1905: Arsenal’s AGM reported the annual income from the rent of the bars in the Manor Ground as £110 5s 0d.
16 comments to €40M Arsenal target to have medical, and other spoofs of the day
Unbelievable stuff that they come up with.
In French there is an expression: “La ridicule ne tue pas.” Otherwise Fleet street (I still use the old expression) would be filled with dead corpses of journalists… (if we can still call them that).
In Dutch there is an expression: “zot zijn doet niet zeer”. Meaning that being a fool doesn’t really hurt. Lucky for the ones that fill all these gossip pages because otherwise the pain would be unbearable.
What on earth do they smoke at the newspapers might be a good question.
Thanks for this daily round of laughter that you bring us Tony.
While rumours and spoofs about football are rife at this time of the year, there is broadcasting news concerning next season’s CL which will disappoint many fans.
Sky and ITV will no longer screen matches in this competition.
BT Sport have secured the sole rights to screen the games.
Those who use BT as their landline telephone provider will be OK but the alternative will be to subscribe to BT Sport (shortly to be increased to around £20 a month).
Not good news for millions of supporters who cannot get to the Emirates, let alone the away games. 😉
Another nice one on spoofs. I expected you would comment on stories like, “Arsenal readies €40m bid”- from BILD. I mean, not quite “inquires about” or “asks after” but rather “readies a bid” as if BILD saw some minutes of a meeting that held in London!
” HUNDREDS OF PROSPECTIVE ARSENAL TARGETS SEEN AT CALAIS !”
The world presses are abuzz and are reporting the presence of hundreds , maybe even thousands of prospective Arsenal football targets at Calais , France . These players from as afar as South America and Asia have descended on this French port in a bid to cross the channel and thence on to London , the home of Arsenal FC , the beating heart of English football , and hopefully their future employers .
AS many of these players have defected from their countries and don’t have the right immigration papers or their football registrations nor clearance from their respective FAs , there is utter confusion in this sleepy port city . Some are trying to get on any transport available , while some others are attempting to swim across under the guise of creating a new Guinness Book of World Records record for the most numbers of international AKB channel swimmers .
It is believed that many were lured here by false promises by certain EPL agents working in
England , some of whom it is understood to be the sons of former football VIPs. One is the son of a successful famous ex- club manager ,while another’ s father once was the ‘ head honcho’ of a club .
Many of these agents blame the UK press and certain football blogs for irresponsible reporting about Arsenal FC’s numerous transfer targets , which at last count was numbering in the hundreds . This misreporting has to stop they say or the chaos will continue and may escalate further.
” Why do they lie and make up such stories ?” they ask. “Don’t they have a sense of pride and resposibility ? Why do they continue to behave like ostriches ? ”
Meanwhile in Calais , some of them have admitted to our UA reporters that they are not all footballers .An eighty year old man from Africa say he wants to go to the holy Wenger Stadium as a fulfillment of his lifetime dream – that of worshiping those God like statues at the scared temple of beautiful football and to meet the Lord Wenger.
We didn’t have the heart to inform these people that not only is the Stadium closed for the closed season , and that AW if off on holiday playing beach football somewhere in Crete , but also that Arsenal aren’t buying anyone this season. We be happy with our lot !
Brickfields – you don’t write for Newsbiscuit do you?
Aren’t we after Samba, Dann, Parker, Huntelaar, Jovetic, and that Norwegian defender from Fulham any more? Wenger really does spend too much time dithering when he could be signing such players.
@ Tony – I had to check that out first ! Never heard of them . Do you think that might publish anything that comes out of my warped mind ?
Since I get ‘published’ here quite often , my next wish is to be published in Mad Magazine ! The insanity there is out of this world !
Buy’em, buy’em all!!! 🙂
It seems we have signed someone. Vladimir Dragomir, the captain of the Romanian U16.
@ Walter – AW must be losing his touch – this name is quite easy enough to pronounce ! And rhymes !
Brickfields – I think your work would fit well into Newsbiscuit. They certainly are always looking, and like your work, it always gives me a smile, even on the dullest day.
Thanks , Tony ,but I don’t think any prospective employer would be able to tolerate my mood swings!
Besides here I get to bash ‘them’ with impunity . What more could an AKB wish for ?
Well you could always ‘fix’ LIKE or DISLIKE tabs on here , so that we can gauge how many millions are reading my comments ! Or save some of my more weirder posts under Brickfields Goes Berserk in some corner of this site .
Would bring tears to me eyes , it would !
Hey, Brickfields! You are the third most recognizable guy here after Tony and Walter. You are in safe hands.
*brays loudly, stomps hooves*
Says here that the Mendezian Mule Martinez is now moving to a.madrid instead of ac Milan and AFC have missed out for the second time in a week upon the same slave sorry I mean player.
Never mind that Arsenal Football Club have appeared to have a policy of avoiding third party owners/slavers like Mendez, special agents who have more power and influence in the game an definitely in the media then most if not all clubs.
But Nevermind the decades through which the club has been conducting itself in this way:
“Vengarrrrgh is a Scrooge”
Desperate hack dwarves like Durham, they need to eat so we understand that even minor irrelevant shock jocks do what they have to do.
The AAA really made themselves look funny by repeating the memes of special agents who are friends with the specialist in signing players signed to the special agent (here’s a clue they get better ‘press’I from the stunted hack dwarves out there). It’s not a good look. And I would not recommend it.
i was listening to talk s**t yesterday and there was a gentleman on, cannot remember, but he was an ex Arsenal goalkeeping coach and he said that AW was very interested the Peter C, when he was playing for Sparta>??? according to him, Sparta put a block and then Peter C went to Hellsea 2 years later. looks like AW has got his man a few years later, but much wiser.
Thanks Sir Hardley Anyone (Whoever that was)for another round of laughs.
3. GOOD NEWS! €90,000-a-week MIdfielder FINALLY Cleared To Join Arsenal
…“According to popular Spanish media outlet Marca, Arsenal have been cleared to complete the signing of Chilean star Vidal…”
It will be interesting to know who does this ‘clearance’.
8: French star has rejected Barcelona for Arsenal!
“According to Foot Mercato, Nantes midfielder Amine Harit has decided to turn down an offer from Barcelona in order to sign for Arsenal”
You mean Barcelona did ‘offer’ to sign this player despite their transfer ban till Jan, 2016?
These guys are indeed unbelievably dumb.
@Brickfields Gunners, you are da bomb! A million LIKEs from me.
Has there ever been an effective boycott of these ‘click whores’? During the closed season, most of what we read is silly hyperbole but during the league season it turns to vitriolic anti-Arsenal hyperbole which is far more damaging. My question to people in the marketing world (Tony?) is whether there has ever been an effective campaign to change the behaviour of web-based media? And, if so, is there something else we can do?