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October 2016
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All the weird and wonderful stories are piling up at once.

By Sir Hardley Anyone, Dept of the Weird, University of Certain Things at Enfield.

What a strange day – all the weird and wonderful piling up at once.  Of course some of these stories broke yesterday and some the day before but it feels like they are all swimming around in a sea of football mush.

Just look at the news.  Arsenal have made their first signing of the summer, but actually it is their second signing (don’t tell the Daily Telegraph – sports newspaper of the year) however – they hate it when we laugh at them.

But let’s leave that for a moment.  We also have Man U on red alert, and that is not in some blog run by a kid who cons people into link clicking to make his 1p a throw but in the Guardian.   And Ireland players were paid $$$$$ not to hurt Messi in an international, apparently – although that one is denied.

Poor Podolski says he made a mistake in going to Italy – although not all of Italy, just one particular club, Russia are trying to get rid of Capello now Usmanov has paid off his salary arrears (how do you bribe your way into a world cup when a) you can’t afford your own computers and b) you can’t afford your manager), Arry is threatening to return, and Gerrard is haunted by not winning the title.

Not a bad haul.

But let’s have a look at Little Liverpool, whose ex captain is haunted by the fact that he played football for years and years and every year told us they were going to win the league, and they never ever did.  He won the Champs League for goodness sake, and lots of league cups as I recall, and you’d think he might be satisfied, but apparently not.  He’s whining about not winning the league.

On the England front, despite leaving the last under 21 finals two years ago without winning a single match, nor even drawing one, we were most assuredly GOING TO WIN IT this year.  Except, oooops, we’ve been knocked out in the group stages.

Two goals let in within one minute and that was it.  Gone.  At least the Guardian owned up to reality saying, “An England Under-21s’ side have not beaten their Italian counterparts since 1997. The seniors have not beaten Italy in a competitive game since 1977. This is not just a trend. Unfortunately for the English Football Association, it is a way of life.”

One might say that unfortunately for the rest of us, the FA is a way of life in football.

And how could that happen with Kane in the team, who is after all God.  Or at least a god.  So, terribly sorry Jenkinson me ol’ mate, but if you must associate with these characters, it is going to be tough.  But I hope you enjoyed the ride.

But speaking of failure, back to Liverpool.  Having failed in the transfer market so very considerably over recent years, having got out of jail by the pure chance of Barcelona being banned from purchases this year and so buying everyone last year, and having got very close to the edge of FFP, they are doing it again.

Thus having already spent rather a lot, they are upping bids everywhere.  The want Clyne from Southampton.  Not enough on the table – here’s more, looks like it might go through.   £29m paid for Roberto Firmino made him the second most costly player in the history of the club.

And that’s not enough.  They want Carlos Bacca from Seville for £20m and Rondon from Zenit Saint Petersburg – although that might be a flight of fancy.  Oh yes and then there is Christian Benteke from Villa.  That would be £32.5m to you squire.

And I have lost count how many forwards that would give them.  Nine?  But maybe they have, despite all the bluster had enough of Raheem Sterling.  All that saying that he would absolutely not go as that would send out all the wrong signals and suggest a player can dictate exactly what he wants how and where and when he wants… which of course he can.   A

s their owner, a Mr Henry of America, said at a sports conference while discussing Arsenal’s phantom bid for Suarez, player contracts are not worth the paper they are printed on.  I wonder if he ever listens to himself.

And Denis Cheryshev of Real Mad is another option.  Did they learn nothing from the way they spent the Suarez money?  Well, if we look at the list, maybe nott…

  • Andy Carroll £35m from Newcastle
  • Adam Lallana (£25m, Southampton
  • Dejan Lovren £20m, Southampton
  • Lazar Markovic £19.8m, Benfica
  • Robbie Keane £19m, Tottenham
  • Stewart Downing £18.5m, Aston Villa

It is as if they have looked at the way Tottenham spend money when they get a big sale, and instead of seeing it as a dire warning see it as a blueprint.

But in happier zones and a chuckle or two in mind “Arsenal make first signing of the summer” says the Telegraph, sports paper of the year, apparently forgetting Maxi Romero who we signed recently.  (It was in Untold so it must be true).  Actually it was also in the Telegraph on the 3, 9 and 9 of April, so may be they have forgotten.  Or maybe they count that as spring, although the deal didn’t go through until after they ran their story again and again and again and…

Anyway we have have signed the Romania Under-16 captain Vlad Dragomir from ACS Poli Timisoara for €100,000 on a three year contract.  He’s already doing the talk saying, “The Arsenal offer seemed the best to me, I felt that this is my place.”

There is a real debate as to how many new big star players we actually need, opposed to back ups who will be willing to wait their time.  Given that our team are likely to be kicked to death once again by thugs masquerading as players, we really do need as many players who we can get who will sit behind the obvious first team selection, and then be able to hold it all together.

Untold Arsenal 

15 comments to All the weird and wonderful stories are piling up at once.

  • may God give us de best

  • we need qulity player who can Cary EPL 4 us

  • Jerry

    Good summary of the silly papers, but you forgot to mention that an Arsenal player (Alexis Sanchez) finally said something about a bad tackle, and the Telegraph’s response is to post an EX-Uruguay player calling him a “cry baby”. I put cry baby in quotes because the actual word used is actually much more derogatory if properly translated from Spanish to English.

    Anyway, what Alexis said about Uruguay:
    “They like to fight, argue, go forward all out; one player told me in the first half ‘Move you wimp’ – but then later he said to me: ‘I am sorry’, He said to me: ‘That’ll do, I kicked the s— out of you’. And I said, ‘Alright but you could have caused an injury and that’s not what football’s about.”

    For everyone that wonders why more of our players don’t mention these horrible career threatening tackles to the media, now you know why.

  • para

    Some people will always need to gain an advantage by cheating and aggression when they feel themselves incapable of winning fairly. It has been this way for too long now.

  • colario

    There was me thinking that April is a spring month and not a summer month, now I know it is a summer month.

  • nicky

    I seem to recall Sir Hardly from the days when he would record meaningful chats with DB10 at his allotment in Enfield. (Where they make rifles and where my chum Lee has a small greenhouse next to Dennis).
    Our signings simply will not see daylight until the 1st July at the earliest, when the Ems’ photographer returns from his hols and a clean Arsenal shirt is found for the photo. 😉

  • Andrew Crawshaw

    I think that we have actually signed four junior players (all16 years old) – Yassin Fortune and Jeff Reine-Adelaide from French club Lens. Yassin is 16 and a striker, Jeff is a midfielder. Kostas Pileas is a CB/LB he is Cypriot and played for Arsenal in this year’s Al Kaas tournament in Doha. Vlad Dragomir is a Romanian central midfielder.

    All are clearly prospects for the future and it is important to bear in mind that, assuming they remain with the club for three years they will count as ‘home grown’ under the current rules. With half way decent ‘home grown’ players fetching such astronomic transfer fees their signing must represent excellent business for the club, even if only one or two progress to the level of squad players.

    I would think formal announcements will be made around 1st July.

    They will be joining the Academy and will initially be playing at U18 level.

  • colario

    I have just checked the BBC football web page and there is no word of the Czech.

    In order to check in at Arsenal the Czech must first check out at chelski.

    May be he has checked out his future at Chelski and Arsenal and decided to keep his mouth in Czech!

    For two days the media was full of t Cechr the ‘latest Arsenal messiah’ but now it has nothing for us to check on.

    Go check it out for yourself.

  • jerry


    I understand that inferior teams will use rugby tactics, but in my opinion the media should not be condoning the action and using a tweet/twit (whatever it’s called) from a person calling the victim a derogatory term. And in my opinion, it seems to happen more when it’s an Arsenal player. The media in fact went the complete opposite defending Matic when he exploded during the season after he got fouled.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ nicky – June 25, 2015 at 5:09 pm – Why don’t you ask your granny who works Ems to take a selfie or two with these new whippersnappers when they come down for their medicals , fittings and such ?
    I am sure that the regulars on UA would be willing to pay a shiny bob or two for these exclusive photos . We may even get to beat in breaking the news .
    But please remind her to wear her dentures ! And definitely no feeling up the players ! Ozil eyes appeared to be more prominent than usual when she ‘goosed ‘ him ! Almost Marty Feldmandish !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Just in case some ofyour younglings have not heard the name before , here’s the great Marty Feldman.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Spelling it all out for you ……
    The Alphabet of Marriage –

    After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He looked at her carefully, then said, “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

    She asks … “What does that mean?”

    He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!”

    She beamed at him happily and said: “Oh, that’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?”

    He said, ” I’m Just Kidding!”

    The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

  • Damilare

    Brickfields Gunners June 26, 2015 at 5:31 am,

    Thank goodness I’d finished my fish pepper soup before reading the alphabet of marriage. If not there wouldn’t have been no one around to resuscitate me after choking because I’m home alone. Wow, it was a narrow escape for me.

    Never read Brickfields Gunners and eat/drink simultaneously. Don’t read him alone either. You’ve been warned!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Damilare -June 26, 2015 at 10:10 pm – I was under the impression that it had been made clear and mandatory here, that one should not eat , drink , drive nor operate machinery when reading my posts.
    So far I have heard of the upchucking of tea , coffee , rice krispies , and today we add fish pepper soup !
    Anyway that joke is so very mild . You have to toughen up some , man !

  • Damilare

    Brickfields Gunners- June 27, 2015 at 6:13 am

    I’m trying really hard sir!