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October 2016
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Done deal: it’s the prize winner and the biggest shock of the whole transfer window

By Sir Hardly Anyone

The hunt is on for the winning piece of transfer news of the first month of the window, known as the Prize for the Winning Piece of Transfer News of the First Month of the Window.   And there is no doubt about the lead story.

It comes under the headline:

Confirmed: boss expects to complete surprise deal with Arsenal today

and was published by Squawka a web site that describes itself as “Your best friend while watching a live football match on TV”.

Now having a web site as your best friend is a bit sort of, sad, and actually advertising the fact is a bit sort of sadder, but still it is my duty to report such matters and so here is the story beneath that headline

Steve Bruce has confirmed that Hull City expect to complete a season-long loan move for Arsenal starlet Chuba Akpom today, according to the Hull Daily Mail.

I am sure the Hull Daily Mail is a jolly decent sort of paper, but even so….

Maybe we should move on to Goonersden, one of the blogettas that has provided so much fun this summer.  It is sponsored, at least today, by Sky Bet.  Today they are in second place for the coveted Untold Spoof Headline prize with…

MASSIVE: Sensational Striker Arrives At Arsenal

This story tells us that

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is planning a major title push next season and the boss is aware of the need to bring in only the best in the summer to achieve his target.

[I must say I really do love this informed insightful analytical claptrap – it really brightens up the day and adds a certain zest to the affairs of mankind…]

Wenger himself confirmed he would sign only “top players” in the summer, and this has seen the club linked to an avalanche of star players in recent weeks.

This news was confirmed by Ajax youngster Donyell Malen who took to Instagram account to announce that he has signed a contract with Arsenal.

Now you might feel there is a bit of a non-sequitur here somehow.  Where did that “this news was confirmed” bit come from, and how come Donyell Malen isn’t on every back page?   Well you need to be told, so here is the lowdown: he’s 16 and he went on Instagram with pictures of him signing a deal with Dick Law.

OK, that’s that one.  Now coming in third we have another identikit web site, “By far the greatest team” again supported willingly by Sky Bet

 In a plot twist to this year’s summer transfer window, Arsenal have made an opening bid for Barcelona’s defensive midfielder Sergio Busquets.

Now this story qualifies for spoofyness because “almost done” converts at once into “tabled”…

The Gunners recently just tabled a £24 million pounds offer for the 27 year old. 

With the likes of Mikel Arteta and Mathieu Flamini starting to gracefully decline and Francis Coquelin who is very talented but yet inexperienced, Arsene Wenger will be looking to add an already established defensive midfielder.

“Gracefully decline” indeed.  What will they think of next?

In fourth spot today there is another site (Oh to be a gooner) that looks just like all the other sites in terms of the way its advertising pops up and won’t go away.  Could they all be related I wonder?   Corel is the sponsor this time.

GOOD NEWS: Arsenal FINALLY Set To Complete MARQUEE Signing Of The Summer

Arsenal are reportedly linked with a surprise transfer for multiple award winning star Sergio Busquets, in what would definitely end up as the most shocking transfer deal of the summer for the Gunners.

OK we have had that one, but this time the source is the almighty Daily Telegraph, but that seems to be quoting the St Helens Gazette or some such, so better move on.

Next up we have a web site that looks like all the other web sites and is called, “Thefourthofficial” for reasons that will not become clear at this time.  It is sponsored by Corel.

Breaking: Wenger HINTS French Star’s IMMINENT Arrival!!

Arsene Wenger has dropped a big hint over a probable move for Real Madrid’s star striker Karim Benzema. The Frenchman has become the prime target of the Gunners in this transfer market as they look to boost their firepower which is currently dependent on Olivier Giroud. After a successful pre-season, Wenger said that he will not send Chuba Akpom out on loan.


Well, you just can’t trust these managers can you.  I mean, it couldn’t possibly be that a little blogetta might get its story in a twist.  Nor even the Telegraph.

Moving on again…

MASSIVE Bid Worth €37m Tabled for 32 Goals Hit man! Almost Done (Not Benzema)

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is planning a major title push next season and the boss is aware of the need to bring in only the best in the summer to achieve his target.

Wenger himself confirmed he would sign only “top players” in the summer, and this has seen the club linked to an avalanche of star players in recent weeks.

According to previous reports, the blues tabled a bid of £15.5million for Arsene Wenger long time target and fresh reports claim Chelsea are willing to up their bid to beat Arsenal to the signing of Jose Callejon

Now here’s the thing.  These paragraphs don’t really connect.  And looking back at earlier reports on these sites it begins to be clear that what they have is a pool of random paragraphs which are just dropped in together without any attempt at a coherent article.  Indeed if you really have been focussing you’ll have noticed that exactly the same phraseology has now occurred twice, once for Malen and once for Callejon.

Indeed it is becoming clear – this is transfer rumour by machine.  You collect some players names, a lot of phrases, write the program, and let the whole thing spool out.

So let me have a go…

Reports from Greenland suggest Bournemouth are set to open talks with the gazelle as soon as Napoli accept their new offer worth 3.5p for the Antiquarian international.

According to Gazzetta dello Sport, suggest Cleethorpes Utd are ready to beat Chelsea and some very tiny tots to the signing of versatile forward man.

Actually that may need a bit of working on…

One of the things to note in the world of blogettas is that new ones pop up every day of the week, and quite recently we have “Alive for football” owned by BIGROCK SOLUTIONS LIMITED who give us

CONFIRMED: Wow! Arsenal complete deal for Barcelona star

Arsenal have now confirmed that midfield superstar Jon Toral has joined Birmingham City on a loan deal.

Goonersden meanwhile will have none of this and give us

FRESH UDATE: Benzema To Earn £150,000-a-week At The Emirates, Medical Soon

Arsenal’s chance of signing Karim Benzema from Real Madrid have been given a great boost ; According to reports, Wenger is lining up a £40.5million bid for the Real Madrid striker..

And the boost is…. that apparently Arsenal are going to make a bid.  Yes that would be quite a boost I suppose if one wants to have a player.  But…

But his agent had reportedly ruled out a move out of Madrid even amid reports that Madrid are willing to sell, but for the right price.

Not that much of a boost then.

Goonersden owned by ENOM, INC. is more sure of things

Real Madrid striker Karim Benzema has sparked speculation by posting a picture of himself on instagram on a private plane, as he departs Los Blancos’ pre-season tour early.
So being spotted at the airport has become being spotted on instagram.  Well, technology moves on.  Now about that story of the Peruvian outside left who is 5 feet 5 inches tall and who Mr Wenger wants to convert to a goalkeeper….
We are on Twitter @UntoldArsenal

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46 comments to Done deal: it’s the prize winner and the biggest shock of the whole transfer window

  • Gf60

    Enough already. Untold ripping off The Star doesn’t work for me.

  • Al

    Now, check this out; the telegraph and the metro both reported that Benzema to Arsenal was nearly a done deal yesterday. With madrid ‘resigned’ to losing the player. Now the interesting thing is they both quote each other; the metro in their article says “according to the telegraph…”, while the telegraph in theirs say “according to the metro….”. How does that work?! 🙂

    The Metro even puts a link to the telegraph article in their report, an article that quotes them as the source! What’s going on? And I thought we’d seen it all.

  • ARSENAL 13

    Are we signing Kalou or not???…

  • verry silly,irrelivant and boring news with catchy topics.if you dontr have a genius news please dont write all this bullshit thinking youve written so
    mething reasonable.

  • WalterBroeckx

    Arsenal 13, no I have heard we will sign Mbia. Once we can free him from the medical cabinet where he has been having his medical since somewhere around 2011…. 😉

  • Brickfields Gunners

    It is being reported that the Real Madrid superstar has began to invest heavily in Greek properties, especially their off shore islands . While he has purchased the largest one for himself and his family , he has also started to buy the nearby little ones for his staff and hangerons.
    His ‘super agent’ Jorge Mendes was over the moon recently to receive an island as a wedding present, as reported here – .
    Our UA sleuths have received reports that his butler and chauffeur were seem looking at some prime islands as possible gifts for their respective upcoming nupitals .
    CR7 in the meantime has contacted the sculptures of those impressive statutes outside the Arsenal ground to get them to build a mega humongus likeness of him to straddle the harbor entrance of the port to his island .
    He has as his inspiration , the Colossus of Rhodes , which was an ancient 7 wonder of the world.
    His statute will be nude and will ‘bless’ all those who pass below it with a ‘golden shower ‘.
    On the pedestal it will be written – ‘MAY PISS BE ONTO YOU !’

  • Lanz

    Al, I can’t stop laughing! Oh but Sir Hardly’s parting shot is a knockout!!

  • nicky

    I read somewhere that the Colossus’s eyes would always water when a high-masted vessel arrived or left Rhodes. 😉

  • Dex

    Please give it a rest with these oh so unfunny ‘parodies’ All they do is recreate the tedium of the shite new snow sites.

  • nicky

    What is a snow site?

  • Dex

    Oh you got to love auto correct. It’s Newsnow.

  • Dex, although I do welcome all readers to Untold, there is no need for you to read, and all the articles in the series have silly headlines and are written by Sir Hardly Anyone, so that gives a clue.

    But I would argue that the story of these site is interesting – they are clearly all linked together (in that the format is the same and they rely on the same advertisers) although they claim to be owned by different companies, they do get a lot of reads and by pointing the finger at them each week I think we are reducing their appeal and influence.

    And the latest point – that they are using a cut and paste technique with different phrases has not been made before. Each article adds a bit more about what they are doing.

    But above all I think they do need to be exposed because it is these sites that are the source of the discontent of people who, after the first defeat, scream that Wenger has betrayed everyone because all these players were available, and could have been bought but Wenger was too slow, too mean, too stupid…

    So I think they are worth running, but as I say, they are clearly indicated each time, so you can readily avoid them.

  • Pizzazzy, your notion that you know what Sir Hardly is thinking is alarming in the extreme. I should be very cautious about venturing inside his head if I were you.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ nicky-August 4, 2015 at 8:29 am – I guess CR7’s statue will wince when a high masted yatch passes his expose nether regions !

  • Dex

    But they require Hardly to have to click on them. increasing the views and also the likelihood of them churning out even more BS. No clicks no oxygen. And these articles could even be seen as advertising! I bet a few UA readers have had a sneaky peak…

    Just an opinion Tony. It’s good to have diverse views otherwise things get very dull and stale.

  • Dex


    What was interesting, after the win vs the chavs was the almost simultaneous articles put out by the Torygraph and Indy about Arsenal fans embarrassing themselves. I say interesting because, to me at least it seemed a conserved effort to undermine the fact AW got one over the chav manager and the team played well, in favour of pushing yet more negative views of the club.

  • Dex

    Concerted not conserved.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    ‘ The mind of a slave asks , “Is it legal ?”. The mind of a free man asks , “Is it right ?” ‘.
    From -Anonymous Awakening .

  • nicky

    Your 9.17 didn’t answer my question. And what is “auto correct”?

  • Brickfields Gunners

    The more content, happy and peaceful you are, the more strength you will have and your communication skills will get enhanced too.
    Sri Sri Ravi Shanker .

  • para

    “Francis Coquelin who is very talented but yet inexperienced”

    Oh man, how long does it take to become experienced? 🙂

  • GroovT

    Wenger did ask in his an interview last week, where the story about Benzema came from. From the Spanish or English newspapers. In this case it seems it comes originally from As (Spanish then).
    In my view, Spanish newspapers are far worse than English ones. They always come up with stories about Arsenal interested to sign subsitutes of Real Madrid and Barcelona (Pedro, sahin, Isco, Krkic etc.. Can t remember all of them along the years).
    Nobody is mentionning that fact affecting arsenal in a bad way.
    A study about potentiel transferts in spanish papers (as, marca, mundo deportivo, sport) where arsenal is mentionned as interested and finally never happened would be great. I am sure Arsenal is more quotes than any club out of Spain, with the lowest % of effective transferts.

  • bjtgooner

    It is good to note that Sir Hardly is continuing his subtle survey of the media rumor mill and keeping us up to date with the nonsense written (and indeed manufactured) about our club.

    Keep at it Sir Hardly!

  • Menace

    Brickfields Gunners – CR might have turned & end up pointing each time another mast approaches. 😉

  • apo Armani

    For all those complaining about the work Sir Hardly is doing to collate all this blah blah all of the para-media outfits linking our club to any and all made up stories which in many cases are MISLEADING (at the least); I say thank God he is doing it, hell knows I wouldn’t!!!

    All the bullshit gets consolidated in a series of articles which actually make us giggle at their expense!!

    Keep Doing PLEASE!!

  • JK

    Seriously this is sh** news. Thanks Sir Hardly Anyone who put this here, but I reckon you are implying that this is all bonkers aren’t you? Yes this is laughable, and I saw some bad ones on newsnow, but nothing worse than the benzema one. Seriously, media…..

  • apo Armani

    But I will say this about Benzema; my feeling is that he wants to come. I suspect The Boss likes him and his style of play. Is he inside budget?? I don’t know!

    The Spanish ‘waiter’ said in a recent conference (BBC quoting): “On Benzema,my answer is that I think Benzema is going to stay with us. I’m very happy with him.”

    He ‘thinks’ and He is ‘happy with him’…but what does Benzema think, of the ‘waiter’ and of what HE will do? 😉

    There is a big difference to what the ‘waiter’ said about Bale possibly moving to United: “Everything is well and he’s (Bale) going to have a good season with us, I’m sure.”

  • Samrat Jha

    apo armani
    that interview struck me also as far as the language was concerned. Think he was being deliberately coy over Benzema transfer

  • Samrat Jha

    apo armani
    that interview struck me also as far as his choice of words was concerned. Think he was being deliberately coy over Benzema transfer.

  • Samrat Jha

    apo Armani
    supposing Benzema were to come where would he play and who would he replace?

  • Gord

    There is a tiny note up at the Arsenal website. Two of the U21 games will be at Wenger Stadium. And for some people, it would appear tickets are free.

    versus Fulham on August 14

    versus West Ham on Aug 28

    Both are Fridays, both kickoffs are 7pm.

  • Dex


    Why don’t you keep going on about being 105, that was so funny.

  • Gord

    On the Arsenal home page, there is a twit from Petr Cech about some Arsenal players photobombing people. But being a twit, scant explanation. Sports Review (and others) have web pages describing this. In the Sports Review version, 9 year old twins, Jonnie and Joseph Gurie from Islington were photobombed. I suspect most of the websites talking about this, have flash video available and some still images. As flash is often not safe to watch, I have no idea what is there.

    Is it just the two boys that were photobombed, or have others been as well?

  • apo Armani


    Thanks for sharing !!!!! VERY VERY FUNNY 🙂 🙂

  • nicky

    Your 3.28 is even more confusing.
    What are you trying to say?

  • omgarsenal

    Ohhhhhhhhhhh pizzazzy/pizzass….your atrocious spelling, horrific syntax and grammar, ignorant statements and ill-informed silliness indicates: you are either a Spuddie or worse still, an aaa cretin adolescent not yet graduated from keystage 1 or kindergarten?

  • Gord

    @apo Armani

    This story about the photobombing is in lots of places. Very few of the people being photobombed are identified. It would seem that you need to watch the video to get the most out of it.

    But, there is this comment:

    > Understandably, when the fans figured out what was going on, they freaked out. The best reaction came around the 2:28 mark, when a younger fan realized that Giroud was standing right next to him and proceeded to scream for three seconds before being rendered speechless. Never stop going in, ultra-excited pre-teen Arsenal fan.

    To me, it seems that someone at Arsenal got this just right. Ask fans buying jerseys to model them, and then have players sneak in. Sounds like a winner to me. And one of the early websites to pick up on this, was the Straits Times from Singapore. There have to Gooners at the Straits Times.

    In another thread here, I found out who got the last place medal in the Community Shield game from the little moaner. He is a 10 year old Gooner from the Coventry region.

  • JK

    Guys somehow Petr twittered a few hours later that his account was hacked… not sure if there was anything to do with the photobombing… Hm…

  • JK

    Gord, I am from Singapore. And yes the Straits Times have Gooners in their team.

    The young gooner looked really excited when he caught the losers medal from the Head Chavs.. can’t bring myself to put his name down so yup.


  • Michael Ram

    One of the prime reasons why Benzema moved to Real Madrid was because of Zidane. And the French legend still very influential at Madrid and has great relationship with Perez, instrumental in hiring Benitez at the first place. The only way Benzema will move out of Real Madrid is through Zidane’s death body. Let’s forget him and concentrate on the already excellent squad we have at the moment.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    There’s no need for revenge. Taking care of yourself and growing is revenge in itself.

  • JK

    @brickfields gunners,
    Like + 1

  • Gord

    Hello JK.

    The young boy’s name is Bobby Gill.

    Twitter seems to be predisposed to being hacked by people. If you see something of interest via twitter, it is probably best if you connect to it after searching for what the twit was about. But clicking on the twit link, can bring you problems.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I do hope that the boy is well . As it was thrown away with such disdain and contempt , by such a dispicable character , it must surely be cursed !

  • JK

    Ah @Gord,

    Thanks for replying.

    I am not on twitter, and mainly the links I go through are via the arsenal webby or the player’s shared links. Thanks for the tip 😁

  • jayramfootball

    This is possibly the best quote on teh ‘Benzema done deal’


    … The move instead continues to hinge on two things: Real’s willingness to sell and Arsenal’s willingness to buy. It’s that simple. ”

    So the deal could happen if we want to buy and Real want to sell – devastating insight right there.