by our special reporters in Switzerland and all over the world: R. Ubbish and E.M.P. Tyhead
May 18. The new FA chairman has accused the Belgium FA of helping Holland to bribe refs on the coming World cup to make sure Holland win it. Holland and Belgium are bidding together for the world cup 2018. He said this when he spoke with a women who has previously worked under and above him in different positions.
Our reporter recorded it on tape as he was sitting at the next table in the pub and said that the rumours that the FA had appointed at De Bleeckere, the Belgian ref, as its next chairman are untrue. The FA press officer announced that he didn’t even know how to pronounce his name so he could not have named him, and anyway he doesn’t support Tottenham so could not be chairman. This will not affect the FA bid for the WC 2018, it is reported.
May 19. The FA chairman has stepped down to spend more time with his wife. Reports in the UK media are yet unclear about which wife he was talking about. This will not affect the FA bid for the WC 2018 it is reported. A notice appears outside White Hart Lane railway station, advertising the post, next to the notice saying that Tottenham H will not after all be pulling down various listed buildings, to build their new stadium, and that all this stuff about having people close to the pitch is also out of the window.
May 20. The Belgian FA has reacted and said that to bribe their ref all interested parties should first visit the head quarters of the Belgian FA in Brussels to be sure that the money will land in the right pockets. They also said that they cannot accept offers for a certain M. Hansson as this ref has already reached an agreement with a high placed person from Uefa. This will not affect the Belgian and Holland bid for the WC 2018, it is reported .
Tottenham announce that they have taken over the bid for the 2018 world cup, which they plan to hold in their spiritual home: The Virgin Islands.
May 21. Another new FA chairman has stepped down from his job. No reason was given but reports say that he had tried to give something to someone that should not have been given. Reports in the media suggest that he will spend more time in practicing how to bribe someone without anyone noticing. This will not affect the FA bid for the WC 2018, it is reported .
Tottenham announce that they are to change the name of the Lesser Antilles (where the Virgin Islands are) to the Very Macho Antilles, to better reflect their bid to host the world cup.
May 22. Fifa has released a statement reminding all bidding nations that bribing people for votes should be done in back rooms and behind closed doors. It is reported that this will not affect the credibility of Fifa.
Tottenham release a statement saying that they are renaming the Virgin Islands the Fairly Experienced Islands, to better reflect their position as a team that has played in the Southern League.
May 23. The newest FA chairman (who rather strangely is a Tottenham fan) has said that it might be possible that the USA is trying to bribe refs to win the World cup in 2010. If the USA win the world cup this year they will give their vote for the bidding to Australia. He said all this while he was talking with a woman of the opposite sex which was clearly not his wife. The woman who was wearing nothing underneath her recording device leaked the tape to the media. Luckily for the UK it is no longer Bush as president of the USA so the war fleet will not sail out against the UK. Barack Obama just gave the order to slightly redirect some nuclear war heads. The newest FA chairman stepped down with one black eye after meeting his wife. This will not affect the FA bid for the WC 2018 it is reported. Tottenham web sites announce that there is a vacancy on the FA board following this departure.
Tottenham announce that games in the Virgin Islands world cup will be held at Tortilla Chips, Virgin Gorda, Dick Van Dyke and Christina Aguilera, although a spokesbeing for the club admitted that you might need a road atlas of the islands if you wanted to get the joke.
May 24. Fifa has released a new statement urging all bidding nations not to talk in public about bribing refs for games or people for votes. And if they do want to talk about it that they should do this as usual in the backroom on the second floor of the Fifa building where the only recording device is the one that Fifa operates. This will not affect the credibility of Fifa.
Tottenham Hotspur announce that they have no credibility which can be affected, what with being a Virgin Islands club.
May 25. Portugal world cup star C. Ronaldo has said against a certain Paris Hilton (not to be confused with Tottenham’s world cup mascot Virgin Islands Hilton, who is well known in the gutter press), that he was falling for her and that he was willing to fall even more on the world cup to win some penalties for his country. He told her he didn’t have to bribe refs to get their decisions as it is Spain that is already doing it. He also would make sure Rooney will get sent off it Portugal play England on the world cup. He gave his biggest smile while saying it. This will not affect the credibility of diving Christiano.
Italy object to the name Virgin Islands World Cup on the grounds that Christopher Colombo (the well known detective) named the islands Santa Ursula y las Once Mil Vírgenes, after Saint Ursula (who played left back for Tottenham Ladies) and her 11,000 virgins.
May 26. Fifa has proposes Christiano Ronaldo as player of the tournament. Other offers for players of the tournament must be handed over in the same backroom on the second floor in the Fifa building. This will not affect the credibility of Fifa. The FA report that they are worried that there is one non-Tottenham supporting member of the board. An enquiry is established to find out how this happened and what can be done.
An official guide to the Virgin Islands, ahead of the 2018 World Cup organised by Tottenham Hotspur (TM) reminds visitors that the islands were colonised by the Arawak who died out during the colonial period from disease, harsh working conditions, and genocide.
May 27. Yet another candidate has been found to become chairman of the FA. It is reported that it is an extraordinary coincidence that he is a Tottenham shareholder, season ticket holder, and director. He has no wife or girlfriend to whom he can talk, so finally the storm should settle down. He is in fact a virgin. This will not affect the FA bid for the WC 2018, it is reported.
May 28. The Tottenham orientated FA chairman with no wife or girlfriend has said to a very close friend that the FA would just bribe all the refs and all the other countries in order to win the bid for the WC 2018 and to win the world cup in 2010, 2014, 2018 and 2022. Because he said it in the toilet of a house with an ill repute it was overheard by 7 other people who ran to the media. The fastest person won the prize money for this story. The FA chairman stepped down from the toilet and twisted his ankle. This will not affect the FA bid for the WC 2018 is reported.
The Tottenham orientated FA chairman is pronounced dead. He is said to have died of disease, harsh working conditions, and genocide.
May 29. Fifa has let all the bidding countries know that they are waiting for the first illegal payment from the bidding country’s to buy the votes. This will not affect the credibility of Fifa. A Tottenham director is nominated to the board of the FA. No one comments.
A spokes-entity for Spain announces that they have actually won the bid for the 2018 bent world cup to be played in the Spanish Virgin Islands which actually don’t exist, and are normally called the Back Passage Islands.
May 30. After running from one scandal into another Fifa has threatened all and sundry who dare to suggest that there is something wrong with Fifa to take them in court. Not an American court this time as the judges seemed to be biased against them there, having said in court that “Fifa lied and lied again”. (An official Fifa memo of the time points out that the down payment of Fifa to the judge was clearly not sufficient and unless they are willing to spend more they should avoid the American courts). This will not affect the credibility of Fifa.
Denmark announces that it has just sold the Danish Virgin Islands to Tottenham Hotspur for £25bn
May 31. No one has accused someone of bribing refs or paying for votes in and around Fifa. It is a total coincidence that Fifa has threatened all the media that if they don’t stop with those allegations Fifa will no longer give them any news and will not allow them to send reporters to the WC 2010, 2014, 2018, 2022. From now on only positive news should be told to the public to keep them living in Fifa’s dream world. This will not affect the credibility of Fifa but it will keep those journalists shut up for a while.
Tottenham set up a training camp in the Virgin Islands under Sir Thomas Pert.
June 1. Fifa goes back to business as usual. What ever that may be. A director of Tottenham Hotspur is appointed to the board of the FA. The 2018 world cup is renamed The Bent Virgin World Cup and is sponsored by R Branson.
I like your articles as they are sober but you seem to have a lot to say about Tottenham
Hahaha. Well, I certainly love this lol. I wish there was a ‘share on facebook’ button!!
I have been a silent follower of untold for a fairly long time, just taking this opportunity to thank Tony and his contributors for continually brightening up my days at work 🙂 I think its fair to say Gooners, especially those who have had the club in their hearts for a fair few years before the EPL became such a global phenomenon are often outcast and bemused by some of the posting on blogs and online articles that seem to be springing up left right and center everyday. I find it difficult to sometimes comprehend that my club is now supported by millions and millions of fans spanning across the globe. Thanks for taking the time to write these wonderful articles, insightful, very often funny and greatly articulated.
Amr age 23, arsenal fan for 19 years xD GoonerForLife not just for trophies 🙂
I think Tottenham is a bit like a gnats bite on the arm. You want to stop scratching it, but then something happens and off you go again.
Dear Mr Attwood
I regret to inform you that my client, Mister Imasquatter from Dirty Flat 12, Downing Street London SW1, who became editor of the News on Mars as he was too illiterate to be one of its journalists, has secured an injunction against you for daring to oppose the new coalition of THFC and FIFA to stop right wingers playing football in perpetuity. That’s why he, as a paid-up extremely right winger, was required to sign up to play right half instead. He is looking forward to duffing up Sol Campbell’s brother as soon as possible.
Right wingers are principled men you know who only expect to marry a Branson trolley dolly, because the rest of them are slutty pneumatically pumped up airheads who had sex once in their life before meeting their right winger for life en route to Barbados.
It is clear to my client that your website is a front for a den of iniquity and he has proposed, and his boss has accepted, that all areas of Red Enlightenment will henceforth be the subject of work permit restrictions due to high degrees of local unemployment amongst disaffected youth.
Mrs Hotgirl (my client’s wife and former mistress) is particularly outraged that her children might be exposed to such rubbish before meeting some slag at school to snog behind the bikesheds, which won’t be any fun at all if it’s not all new and special like.
Mr Imasquatter would be prepared to drop his complaint were your Spanish sizzler be prepared to show all on Mars this weekend. Being a principled man, he trusts implicitly that Mrs Hotgirl won’t be all in a tizzy when seeing such sultry Latin matadors strutting their stuff before her eyes.
I hope you realise that this letter cost him £1000 in drafting fees and that, if you don’t lie down and die BEFORE you call in Lord K. or the real PM to beat my client’s face to pulp, this and numerous other unethical expenses will be added to the bill which will, following the certain win in Barbuda, be your due to pay, as we bunged the Lord Chancellor to fix us a judge to fix us the case proper like.
I look forward to your prompt attention to this matter (don’t ring me before 5pm as I’ll be at the golf at Wentworth) and wish you an absolutely useless season ahead.
Yours Faithfully
L. Eagle III (Partner)
Nice one Tony ,but who died and made The Spuds lot offical spokesthings for the WC bids ?And instead of the Virgin Islands why not the North Pole – I hear there are vast areas opening up, what with
global warming and all .
Is there a past tense for virgin, or an opposite to it ?The close season finds my mind wandering.I think I’ll go and hibernate and see you all in August – my head hurts like hell .
BG – the opposite of virgin (in the Tottenham sense at least) would be fucked…