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October 2016
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Welcome to the new world: Football 2030/31 season

By Stephen Wales
Football 2030/31 season
Welcome to the start of the 2030/31 season in the new Super Euro Premier League, last season’s Super Euro League division A was disbanded after corruption allegations were made against a number of Russian clubs. This season we are proud at BT Fox sports to give you 168 live games from the SEPL covering all of Europe, tonight we are live at the Transneft stadium to watch London Arsenal play against Qatar Barcelona.
London Arsenal are proud to show off their new signing Neymar Jr Jr who at 14 has become the world’s most expensive player at £289m from Club Football Madrid sponsored by Nike, he is expected to line up in L.ondon Arsenal’s 631 formation that was so successfully used by Abramovich FC last season to get to the world league finals.
The club’s manager Usminiov Jr said that this shows the vision that his dad had for the club when he brought out the Kronke/Wenger partnership in 2020, the £1.6bn investment in shares was the biggest deal for a football club at that time. London Arsenal fans have been unhappy with the amount of money Usminiov and his family have taken out of the club in the following years, but with the deregulation of banking throughout Europe, Red, White and Blue holdings have secured a loan for £330m to pay for the deal on the back of land around the Transneft Stadium.
Tonight’s SEPL game pitches last seasons champions Qatar Barcelona against London Arsenal who finished a lowly 36th in the league only qualifying for the Europa Champions League spot on goal difference from Aldi Hotspurs. This is Usminiov Jr’s return to management at London Arsenal after Jack “Wilky” Wilshere was sacked yesterday morning, Jack was London Arsenal’s 14th manager under Red, White and Blue holdings since their takeover.
This season sees the start of a trail run of video technology in the SEPL after complaints last season about dubious offside decisions meant that Fenway Sports Liverpool were cheated out of a place in the top tier of football and will spend another season in the Northern European League.
The two officials on the pitch will be connected to the six assistant lines people and the two officials in the stand by Skipe camera technology so they can see instant replays of any incident from almost any angle. The head of the world governing body Sipp Blatter Orinentalis, who owns 98% of Skipe technologies said this is a great day for football at last bringing it in to the 20th century.
The offside law has also been changed so that a player, who is not the player who is the player who is receiving the ball from the player playing the ball is played onside because the ball has not been played by a player playing the ball to a player who is expecting the ball. This should clear up any misunderstanding like last season where Manchester Exxon United scored 4 seemingly offside goals to clinch 2nd spot in the play off final last season against Kontinetales Munich.
The new time keeping rules are also to be implemented this season after successful trails in the North Korean Super League division 6, President KIm Yong Ching said that there was not a problem in any of the 32,000 games played in the first 3 months of last season. This season the clock will stop everytime the ball is out of play, to help adjust the playing time for each quarter has been reduced to nineteen minutes and thirty seconds, shortened from last seasons twenty four minutes.
Tickets for tonight’s game have been exchanging hands for £400 each, and the 28,000 crowd at the Transneft stadium are to be treated to a concert before the game by the new world singing superstar Kim Yong Ching Jr and a half time performance by Beyonce who is making her fourth comeback tour in three years.
Fans at their tables will be able to use their authentic singing speaker system from their seats, a selection of classic London Arsenal songs can be played to help recreate that old fashioned atmosphere at the games. The food tonight is supplied by Santa Maria food import and export company Mexico, the full three course dinner served while the game is in progress tonight’s food is said to be fusion of Icelandic and Peruvian cuisine.
I will now hand you over to our expert commentator of Michael Owen and super universe player of the season four years running Raheem Shaquille Striling with Manchester Red Bulls. We hope you enjoy tonight’s game sponsored by Gazproom the world’s favorite fuel supplier, please place your credit card in the TV slot to continue to watch the match….Card charges are made at £4.00 per minute for a minimum of 39 minutes, games that go into overtime will be charged at a further £1.00 per minute on top of your usual charges.

31 comments to Welcome to the new world: Football 2030/31 season

  • When I started Untold Arsenal with a series of articles complaining about timewasting and the management style of Fat Sam I think somewhere in the back of my mind there was a thought that maybe one day we would publish articles like this.

    Stephen, thank you. The neighbours have called the ambulance because of the manic laughter they have been hearing in my house for the last half hour, but it is all worth it.


  • Usama Zaka

    The new offside rule left me in stitches and confused 😀

  • Most P.L. referees are like that about the current offside rules

  • Usama Zaka

    Haha, that’s true Tony.

  • Fabrechenko

    The new offside rule left my brain in an offside position for some minutes, No place for Italian clubs in the future?

  • nicky

    I’m 107 and the new offside rule has certainly confused me.
    I always thought the ball had to pitch between wicket and wicket.

  • Tony Attwood

    Nicky, no that was the rule until 1966. It was changed to allow England to win the world cup.

    Do try to keep up.

  • Norman14

    No mention of FIFA President and IOC Chief, Lord Coe.

    When asked why he didn’t intervene in any corruption claims, he mumbled something about it being “after his bedtime”.

  • Mandy Dodd

    Very amusing, and a tad worrying.
    Wonder if OT will have a Mike Riley stand by then? Or Chelsea, an Atkinson stand?

    But in the darker parts of the news, things are closing in . FIFA , UEFA, IAAF, IOC, sporting greats like Coe and Platini conspicuously seen to turn a blind eye, now Wenger has weighed in on the doping scandals, and his words are widely reported…..Putin orders an investigation,
    The clock is ticking, it is coming……

  • Brickfields Gunners

    A standing ovation from me . Well done ! More , please .

  • omgarsenal

    I had no problem understanding the new offside rule….it is very simple in actual fact: If Arsenal have the bal;; they are automatically offside, if any opponent has the ball, it is never offside…those are the newest RILEY-FIFA Laws of the game published in 2030!

  • para

    Just love these sort of articles: 🙂

    It reminds me of when i was living (secretly) in the Epsilon star system. They actually started football like that. Improving it, they said, after a recce ship discovered the Solar System (they call it “Avoid System” due to the dis-unity (their words) thinking on “Earth”) and they all became hooked on football.

    They had long debates whether to call it Soccer or Football, which almost cause a war on their 4th planet Aortus from Epsilon.

    After years of playing this way, they now have reverted to the way Soccer (Soccer won because on Aortus, they watch a lot of movies from the Earth section called USA) is played on Earth in their 90’s period.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I always assumed that referees would no longer be required to officiate and that they would be replaced by automatons and eyes in the sky technology along with hovering drones . Not to mention state of the art sensitive nano chips inside the ball .

    This especially after that revolt of the praetorian guards at the PIGMOB in 2018 when Mike Riley and his cohorts were literally and figuratively eviscerated and let to rot and dry . Then again we did not really factor in the power of the evil triad of the tv companies , bookies and crooked owners .

    If only those Orcs supporters from Stoke had refrained from shooting down the ball , drones and other expensive equipment with their catapults and their crude homemade arrows and guns . And their stupid cries of ” Pull !” before bringing it down .

    And Stephen , I assume that cattle prods are still in vogue as to keep the crowd from leaving the stadium early ? You know , it would hurt the triad if empty stadiums were shown on tv.

    Please do a prequel as how the Russians were brought to their knees and their WC 2018 games taken away , with the release of the doping scandal findings in 2015 . What was so shocking that it was state sponsored and sanctioned and was so unselective , in that they added it to everybody’s drinking water .

    In a way so ingenious that they used the native grapes, the Antey Magarachsky variety grown in Cherbonyl , Ukraine . As most wine connoisseurs know that it is of the red variety , but a certain cataclysmic ‘incident’ in 1986 caused it be changed dramatically into white ! The process being now known as ‘blanching ‘.

    Being very , very cheap and odourless and bland in taste , the populace were none the wiser that they were being systematically ‘drugged’ in order to be kept pliable and in control . The lid blew off when normal and untrained people started to show super human strength and endurance in sport and also in agicultural activity !

    Russian mail order ‘brides ‘ were ordered by the thousands by from the world over as not only could they cook and clean , but they could milk the cows, harvest the fields , shear the sheep , but also catch spawning salmons with their teeth .

    The only draw back was that most of them had the ‘beauty’ and build of the then President , Valdmir Putin , who was know to love posing shirtless , as shown here-


  • Brickfields Gunners

    ‘….London Arsenal who finished a lowly 36th in the league only qualifying for the Europa Champions League spot on goal difference from Aldi Hotspurs. ‘

    Nice to know that St. Totteringham’s Day is for ever !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Tony – Speaking about the Spuds , how about using the satirical article I sent you ? After all it going to be along inter lull .

  • Sammy The Snake

    Great write up. If it’s going to be Qatar Barcelona, then surely we will have Emirates Arsenal by that time!

  • @Swales1968

    Sammy I did think of using Emirates Arsenal but then thought that the owner of the club would want one of his own companies being the sponsor so he could use it for money laundering (alleged) in the future 😉

    And that you for positive replies 🙂

  • Rantetta

    Brilliant, thanks.

  • jake

    great this really made me laugh it brightened up a miserable november morning

  • Fishpie

    Tony Atwood, in his 6th year as the Chairman of Arsene FC , has announced that Mr Wenger will be, as expected, the club’s manager in perpetuity. Having secured an overwhelming vote of confidence from the 423,233 Arsene FC Fanshare members in the 2030/31 Manager Nomination Vote, Mr Wenger’s hold on the top job looks as secure as ever. Mr Atwood, from his virtually-alive-after-all-these-years (VAAATYL) life-support pod-seat in the Arsene FC stadium, tweeted the good news adding, “Arsene is a legend and a God. None of us would be alive if it wasn’t for the brilliant football his teams play. All of the older Fanshare members, like me, receive our annual dividend in the form of Arsene life-energy which is downloaded direct to our VAAATYL life-support pod-seats in the stadium every time we finish in the top four. I’m happy to be alive for another year. All of us are, and each year we owe everything to Arsene. Some people think we are not aiming high enough but ever since our successful coup of 2025 when we revealed what Untold Arsenal really was and forced Stan and his boy into selling us their shares, we have given the club its rightful name, transformed it into fan ownership, invested in far superior medical and fitness technology which has not only benefitted the players (can you believe Jack’s legs are his 5th set) but also benefitted directly the life-long season-ticket holders who now live longer and happier lives all together in their stadium pod-seats. We keep ourselves amused while we seat here in our pod-seats between matches by tweeting and blogging and commenting between each other laughing at the Chelsea fans who of course all died when Mourinho exploded and covered Stamford Bridge with his toxic waste. Painful for them but how we laughed. And still do. I am very proud that our cover organisation, Arsenal Untold, was able to infiltrate Arsenal FC all those years ago. They thought we were just doing interviews for our historian books on the the club’s past but when the old guys fell asleep, as they often did, we snuck off and rummaged around the accounts. I think Stan and his boy were astounded when we unearthed their scam with the Minimum Living Wage figures. Instead of paying the increase to the staff, they secretly transferred it to their own private accounts. They had no choice but to resign and sell each share, as we insisted, to the Fanshare Scheme at £1 a go. Being asked to run the club for what I had done was an honour and I’ve been able to bring everybody around to my way of thinking about Arsene. Although we don’t win much, coming fourth does guarantee an extended life to all members where they can spend eternity supporting Arsene FC. It’s great to still see Arsene directing play from the VAAATYL life-support pod-bench and long may it continue. Well it will in fact, FOREVER.”

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Great article! A nightmare vision of the future. And sadly one that might well come true.No wonder people want to live on Mars or somewhere where most arent.
    COYG etc

  • WalterBroeckx

    A bit late but I want to join in with the rest: great and funny article! It made me chuckle. Luky OMG Arsenal could give me the translation of the new offside rule because otherwise I would have stopped being a referee myself and stop the reviews. 🙂

  • Damilare

    Great funny stuff.

    Yeah, that is how I love to laugh. Spontaneous, unstoppable laughter.

    Thanks Stephen, thanks Untold Arsenal.


  • finsbury

    Aldi Hostspurs!

    Gazprom-upon-Fulhman FC vs. Qatari Barcelona, it’s what football is all about.

    The rise of Brighton & Fracking Hove Albion FC! A beautiful if slightly toxic story.

    Hopefully The London Arsenal will be sponsored by the ITER Fusion reactor programme (it is being built in France!).

  • Gord

    You surprised me finsbury, the ITER Fusion program?

    One of the things people complain about with respect to Candu, is the tritium produced (neutron capture by deuterium). But, if you produce tritium (radioactive hydrogen) you are manufacturing helium-3. And He-3 is (in my mind) one of the better fuels for fusion.

    If a person has fully tritiated water (T2O), and puts it in a thermos, it will start to boil all by itself in something like 20 minutes (from a room temperature start). The beta that comes from the decay of tritium is very low in energy, which is often problematic. But as you see above, it still has enough energy to be a little bit useful.

    One idea, is to manufacture tritium and store it in such a way that one can continuously add new tritium and remove the He-3 decay product. And while the tritium is decaying (12+ year half life), it is producing heat that can be used for things like low grade heating.

  • llloydwy

    Prophet Tony
    Thou art indeed a prophet! Hilarious, disturbing and a salutary reminder of the future to come.

  • Illoydwy: no no, I am not a prophet, although I don’t mind the occasional profit.

    It really was Stephen Wales – I just published it.

  • Brickfields, I tried to email you earlier today but the email bounced back. I haven’t got an article from you – that is almost certainly my fault, but because I have the option I will blame it on technical matters.

    Can you email me again

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Tony . have resent it with a cc to Walter .