By Ian
Jose Mourinho – we were down to 10 men, you can’t have chickens just crossing roads, we need them on the pitch. The chicken will never play for us again.
Harry Redknapp – he saw Rosie in the park, they are close friends. Chicken asked me once for some tax advice, I recommended Rosie, what can I say, they became close friends. I told the owners just 2 more chickens is all we need. Do you like my new Range Rover?
Luis van Gaal – as you can see here, our chickens cross the road less times than any other team in the Premier League. So why you say our chickens cross the road, its not true, look here I’m showing you!
Jurgen Klopp – it was following the fans, but there was still 12 minutes left, there was plenty of time, we could have still won. I don’t understand.
Tony Pulis – it’s these foreign chickens. Next thing is it wont be heading the ball like those American chickens.
Claudio Raniera – I don’t like chicken, I like Pizza and this Pizza is third in the league.
Slaven Bilic – it got confused, its next season we are in the new ground. He still cant believe we’ve got it for free. I cant believe it either!
Tim Sherwood – well I gave the owners a list and he was my third choice chicken. There’s not enough winners in this team, too much of a losing mentality, its got to change soon. Anyway, I’m here and we will stay up. I’ve got a great relationship with the owners.
Steve Maclaren – the fans were great though weren’t they? Gave the chicken all the support in the world. We are lucky to have these fans, best fans in the world. I said to the chicken go and thank the fans. They will keep us up.
Manuel Pellegrini – he was a bit upset, it was his birthday and we forgot to get him a cake.
Mark Hughes – I told him he needs to be a bit more like Ryan Shawcross, maybe he was looking for Ramsey.
Sam Allardyce – mmm Chicken
Alan Pardew – he was heading to Newcastle to get the “Pardew out banners”, but we won at Liverpool so he needs to take them back.
Ronald Koeman – Liverpool have bought him.
Arsene Wenger – Young players need freedom of expression to develop as creative players… they should be encouraged to try skills without fear of failure.
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Meanderings from the History Society….
- Arsenal in the 70s, part 1: the re-birth of the club. 1969/70
- Arsenal in the 70s, part 2: preparing for the impossible. (July to December 1970)
- Arsenal in the 70s, part 3: The Golden Treble
- The Untold Arsenal Banner is now on permanent display inside the Emirates Stadium – and you can see a new up close photo of it in position on the home page.
- A Memorial to the founders of Arsenal’s Highbury dynasty.
- And we’re on Twitter @UntoldArsenal and on Facebook
Arsenal on this Day – the full list of anniversaries can be found here
- 12 November 1921: Arsenal 5 Birmingham 2. It was the first time Arsenal scored five in a league game in the post 1st World War era. It was also the only game of the season in which Arsenal scored more than three goals.
- 12 November 1932: Arsenal made it 11 wins, two draws and one defeat from the start of the season with a 1-0 win over Newcastle. This was also the first time the new West Stand was used by the paying public.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A: To get to the other umm, ahh; oh forget about it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%B6bius_strip
Q: How many English sports medja writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100, one to change the light bulb (and write about it) and 99 to copy the story changing minor details, all claiming it is exclusive.
A: 200, and another 100 altering the headline to make it sound like it was the light bulb’s fault it needed changing.
A: 250, and another 50 to blame it on that damn Frenchman at Arsenal.
A: 300, and another 50 to write articles like: 5 things we learned about light bulbs, 10 things we learned about light bulbs, 6 things we learned about light bulbs (not all people only have 5 digits on an extremity).
A: 350, and another 50 to write articles about which team is going to buy the light bulb for £X.
Manuel Pellegrini: “It’s because Mr Mansour hasn’t bought the other side of the road yet.”
Arsene Wenger: “His house was on the other side of the road, his wife is waiting for him in the house and he thinks he has the prettiest wife at home.”
Claudio Ranieri: “I have to think about it.” (Makes a pose of a tinkerman.)
Louis Van Gaal: “He had seen me and remembered me striping my pants and showing Bayern players my family jewels.”
Tony Pulis: “I’m shocked. Everybody knows he is not that kind of a player.”
Jose Mourinho: “I have nothing to say” (takes the mike in his hand) “but only one man can cross the road in this league and nobody questions him. Por que? Evaaaa, get the fu.ck out the pitch! (Shaking like a lunatic with a fever) It’s all Wenger’s fault! It’s all Wenger’s fault! It’s Eva…no, it’s Eva Wenger’s fault! (Does it for 7 minutes, nobody interrupts him.)
Juergen Klopp: “He should have Gegencross it while singing ‘Enter Sandman’. I mean, I fu.ckin love heavy metal!”
Ian, this is just fantastic. Brilliant. The Van Gaal, Pulis and Ranieri ones are particularly hilarious to me. The Mourinho one is so spot-on it´s eerie. Gord, hell of a funny comment too. Joke yours? Kudos for perfectly summing up sports writers.
Josif:
I think you meant that Pulis said he wasn’t that kind of chicken. 🙂
Goéland:
It is partly original, I have read far too many light bulb jokes. I just tried to use some of the many templates for light bulb jokes I’ve seen.
Superb, Ian.
@ Ian – Have to hen it to you, really cracked us all up ! Was not eggspecting this at all. Hope these following jokes are up to scratch !
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To cockadoodle dooo something!
Q: Whats the difference between meat and chicken?
A: If you beat your chicken it dies.
Q: What do you call a crazy chicken?
A: A cuckoo cluck!
Q: What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
A: Hendurance.
Q: How do chickens bake a cake?
A: From scratch!
I hope one day chickens will be able to cross the road without being judged on their motives.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
‘That’ question answered !
http://www.therock.net.nz/Chicken-or-the-Egg/tabid/617/articleID/18257/Default.aspx
Alice and Emile went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and they order the ‘Chicken Surprise.’ The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as Alice is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. n.
‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband, Emile. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. Emile reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
‘Please sir,’ stammers the waiter, ‘what you order?’
Emile replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’
‘Ah! So sorry, is mistake’ says the attendant, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’
Billy, the traveling circus owner, walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. Billy was so impressed that he offered immediately to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $20,000 for the duck and the pot.
Four days later the circus owner, Billy, runs back to the bar in anger and shouts, ‘Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step.’
‘So?’ asked the duck’s former owner calmly, ‘did you remember to light the candle under the pot?’
50 Ways to Eat Cock: Healthy Chicken Recipes with Balls!
Paperback – 16 Mar 2013
by Adrienne N Hew CN (Author)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/50-Ways-Eat-Cock-AlternaTips/dp/148259143X
Gord,
George Gamow, “One Two Three … Infinity”: The chicken went into another dimension, turned and came back left-handed.
Charlie Adams on getting to grips with Alexis Sanchez : ” Och ,aye laddie, ye olde habits die hard , we was a wee chicken wrangler before we became a footballer , weren’t we ?”
Florian:
Nice.
The chicken is being reflected by the point at infinity?
Gee, I was hoping for more chicken stuff. What would SAF do?
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For those who don’t understand my question on infinity. If you are right handed and you look in a mirror, what “handedness” does your reflection have? It is left-handed.
For those who want a mini-calculus blurb (probably nobody).
In terms of “infinity being a point”, there are situations in mathematics where infinity behaves like a point. For example, to integrate from 0 to infinity, you can break it up into two integrals: from 0 to 1, and then from 1 to infinity. Now, if you substitute 1/X for X as the dummy variables, you turn the second integral into another integral from 1 to 0. If we multiply the result by -1, we can swap the limits and it becomes another integral from 0 to 1. Leaving us with 2 integral over the same limits, so we can place both functions under a single integral.
I agree, the chicken jokes are better.
More chicken managers:
http://www.conniggulden.com/Forum/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=2381
@ Gord – That link was awesome and finger licking good !
And in my country it takes nine persons to change a street light bulb – one to hold it , 4 to unscrew it by rotating the ladder anti-clockwise , and 4 to screw it in by moving the ladder clockwise !