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October 2016
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The screamingest stupidest craziest football transfer story of the year

By Sir Hardly Anyone

I’ve been covering the ravings of the bloggettas since the end of the last transfer window, and I thought I had seen it all.   But now the has come up with this

Deal Agreed : Club To Announce Signing Of £25m La Liga Star On January 1 – Fans Go Buzzing On Twitter

An unnamed source has revealed that Arsenal has been given a major boost in finally signing Jese, the Los Blancos striker in January, according to Don Balon.

The piece tells us that Arsenal have been tracking the 22 year old for years, and now are upping their pursuit because he’s not playing for Real Mad very often.  Real Mad are ready to sell.

OK, so much, so normal enough.

But now comes the killer bit…

The desperation of Arsenal has tripled due to injuries to the key players such as Danny Welbeck and Theo Walcott and are in dire need of a striker as the striker Danny Welbeck is out because of injury.

Arsenal is confident that Jese will be the perfect in Arsenal’s front line and a solution to the lack of key players problem. This confidence is well placed as the forward has proven himself severally in matches over time. Arsenal will do well to sign him as he will indeed be an asset to the team and his team mates.

OK, so let us pause and consider what’s missing.

  • Theo Walcott: 4 in 14 this season but with the promise of more to come.
  • Olivier Giroud: 14 in 24  this season, and now a regular scorer
  • Alexis Sanchez: 9 in 18 this season.

So not only is it clear that the headline

Deal Agreed : Club To Announce Signing Of £25m La Liga Star On January 1

is totally untrue, the whole story is based around a nonsense in terms of not scoring.

But let’s go further.  Let’s strip out league cup and charity shield matches and look at our top two scorers: Arsenal have played 16 league games and six Champs League games – a total of 22 games,

  • Giroud has played 21 and scored 14 – a 66% scoring record
  • Alexis has played  17 and scored 9 – a 52% scoring record.

Anyway, since I am here with the rubbish here is some more…

Aleksandr Kokorin of Dynamo Moscow is on his way according to the Metro for £4.3m.  He is a forward also.

Joel Campbell will be sold to Newcastle next month, according to Paul Merson.

Don Balon says that James Rodríguez is leaving in the summer and Mesut Özil will go back because he so clearly enjoyed himself in Madrid and is so disliked by the fans of Arsenal.   Hmmm.   The implication is that the deal with Arsenal was merely a loan for the player to be properly rounded.

The Isco story continues and the Metro have it again and again.   Isco from Real Mad to Arsenal for £29m

Roberto Martínez wants Calum Chambers as a replacement for Stones in the January window according to the Mirror.

That’s all the gibberish transfer tales, but here’s an injury thought (injuries being what the drunks in the bars talk about when they run out of made up transfers).

O 5 December 2014 the Independent said, “Arsenal could have up to 11 players missing for the match against Stoke on Saturday.

“In a worst-case scenario, Arsene Wenger will be missing his first and second-choice goalkeepers, meaning Emiliano Martinez will start in goal again, and three defenders.

“The Physio Room keep track of injuries in the Premier League and show that the Gunners are the worst hit of all the 20 teams.”

The team we put out was…

  • 26 Martinez
  • 39 Bellerin (Welbeck – 45′ )
  • 21 Chambers 
  • 04 Mertesacker
  • 03 Gibbs  (Campbell – 92′ )
  • 20 Flamini
  • 16 Ramsey
  • 15 Oxlade-Chamberlain 
  • 19 Cazorla
  • 17 Sánchez
  • 12 Giroud (Podolski – 63′ )

And yes Emiliano Martinez was third choice keeper.  But no so utterly disastrous as that phrase suggests.  He has played 13 times for Wolverhampton this season.  OK not the top division, but not at all bad for a 23 year old keeper.


Want to know a bit more about our publisher?  There’s an interview with Tony Attwood here.

From the anniversaries file

  • 16 December 1983: Don Howe became manager, having previously been reserve team coach for Bertie Mee and first team coach in 1968.  See also here
  • 16 December 1995: Arsenal drew with Chelsea during disastrous 15 match run which gained just four wins.  Dixon scored what was only Arsenal’s second goal in four consecutive games.



4 comments to The screamingest stupidest craziest football transfer story of the year

  • Brickfields Gunners


    The Scot, a regular pundit on Chelsea’s television channel, was speaking on a special BBC Radio 5 live programme about Mourinho’s future.

    Nevin, … added: “I’ve been outside Stamford Bridge seven or eight times after games this season and the mood today is no different.

    “I would agree the manager’s future has been in doubt for months, but that doesn’t mean he will go.
    “It builds up and comes to a crescendo, but every time it then ebbs away.”

    That to me sounds to me like a classic case of impotence . You know his false bravado and talking up the issues , while erecting false hopes and inflating hollow promises . One day it all had to deflate and end up a damp squib !

    [im-puh-tuh ns]
    1. the condition or quality of being impotent; weakness.
    2. chronic inability to attain or sustain an erection for the performance of a sexual act.
    3. sterility, especially in the male.
    4. Obsolete. lack of self-restraint.

    Examples –

    It shows the vanity of immoderate pretensions, the power of wisdom and virtue, the impotence of folly and crime.
    – Lectures on the true, the beautiful and the good Victor Cousin

    Shining like that, through his egotistical pride, the facts of his failure and impotence tormented him.
    Mountain Blood -Joseph Hergesheimer

  • Brickfields Gunners


    ‘ Former Chelsea managers are queuing up to take over if Jose Mourinho gets the chop from Chelsea.

    In fact, the only man who is yet to go public with his credentials is the best suited to take over from Mourinho. – Avram Grant.
    From –

    Which is surprising, to be honest, as he boasts an incredible 66 per cent win rate. (More than Jose, since you ask.)
    Grant is currently Ghana boss, but it’s not going so well.

    And he is the only Chelsea boss in history NEVER to lose a home league game.
    Roman – you’ve got his number. Give him a bell.’

    Avram Grant as all of know did come in to ‘help’ Mourinho the last time the Portuguese was unable to get it up well enough to perform satisfactorily to Roman Abramovic ‘s liking .

    The Israeli manager is a health nut and known to appreciate the beneficial happy endings that come with the exotic Thai massages , which not only is very uplifting , but also sustains good blood flow to all vital organs .Could he be the man to inject some spunk into this impotent Chelsea team ?

    With Mourinho unable to come up to the mark , firing blanks and not his usual cocky and ballsy self , would RA be tempted for the second cumming of Avram Grant ? Chelsea fans would wet themselves at this prospect and whip a frenzy!

  • Gideone

    @Bricksfield Gunner

    You are irredeemably “corrupt” 😉 . The imagery alone is enough to trigger a Chelsea orgy. 🙂

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Gideone – Just when it was it was all getting hot and sweaty and promising , RA goes and pre matureley fires his full load on the disapointed Chelski fans! Poor aim and timing again alas !