By Bulldog Drummond
And thus and so, verily, it comes to pass forsooth The last ever venture to the Boleyn Ground invariably wrongly known as Upton Park by those silly people in the media. Next time around we shall play at the Tax Payers Stadium, funded by those of us who live in the UK, and now I find we have to add, pay taxes in the UK. Unlike those with companies in Panama.
Actually the more the revelations come out the more I realise that State Aid’s new ground was paid for by me and a handful of other guys – maybe six or seven. Everyone else has offshore accounts.
I am going to guess that Alex Iwobi will play and will try to make it three goals in three games, but won’t, for I fear that all this chatter about playing for Nigeria in the Olympics suggests he is getting a little carried away. Never forget Alex who pays your wages.
But I also suspect that today Danny Welbeck will come riding to the rescue. Theo could get a goal in the last couple of minutes as well. And let us not forget that Alexis has suddenly found out what it is all about again. That makes it 0-4 to us and we haven’t even kicked off.
However we have to admit that for reasons that will not become clear at this moment, State Aid Utd have not lost in six but in doing that they have let in six in the last three. Oh I love these silly statistics.
They even have Cheikhou Kouyate ready to play after getting a red card against Crystal Palace last week and then losing it again. I call that careless.
For us, Ramsey and Flamini are said to be fit, but I suspect Ramsey will be sitting in the State Aid Beach while Flamini won’t. Petr Cech however should be back in goal – although Oooooooooospina has done no wrong in the interim. A very reassuring state of play for us to have two keepers in such form – and let us not forget, a very fine Argentinian third option on loan.
Of course it has become a tradition that we should beat the State Aid club (previously known as WHU (pronounced Whoooo?) and indeed its so long since they beat us at the Boleyn Castle famed for its association with the head chopping activities of the British monarchy.
Of course in such London derby’s it is important to turn to what the managers say. Slaven Bilic was in expansive form (at least according to the BBC) saying “It’s a big game, a London derby first of all. The season is approaching an end,” and I think we should reflect upon those words most thoroughly and consider them in due context.
Mr Wenger was having a little more fun, saying, “We know we need nearly the perfect run – I could have cut the ‘nearly’ out.”
Anyway, putting all this together what we get is
Iwobi Ozil Alexis
Monreal Koscielny Gabriel Bellerin
or the other way up if playing in the opposite direction (I would not want you to think I am suggesting we have Welbeck in goal and Cech as centre forward. That would be silly.)
There is not much of a beach in the East End of London and if you go further East to Southend all you get is mud, but making do as best they might we will have Ospina, Chambers, Gibbs, Mertesacker, Ramsey, Campbell, Walcott, and Giroud.
As always at this time of year the first game of the season (a horrible match at the Ems if you recall, against State Aid) seems centuries ago. We’ve had another year of endless battering by the media and their buddies bulldozing in the baby bloggettas (“bulldozing” isn’t right there but I wanted to keep up the alliteration but couldn’t find the right word – this writing lark is harder than it looks you know).
But what we have to remember is the way we swatted away Everton and Watford – that’s the way to do it! [Please do remember the ! is only used for Liverpool! in this blog – Tony]
On the injury front we have slipped below West Ham with the Ox and Cazorla counted as injured. Rosicky and Wilshere are counted as not injured by getting fit. The Ox Rosicky and Jack should be ready on 23 April and Santi Caz the following week. State Aid Utd have Byram, Collins and our own Jenkinson all out, but curiously a lot of the press say they have no injuries. How do they make that out?
And thus it is that once more we come to the silly numbers.
We’ve scored at least two in the last seven games at Anne’s Castle, (“Scoff on, vile fiend and shameless courtesan“) and won the last five. But State Aid Utd are now undefeated in their last 13 at home.
The nastiness chart from the FA (which takes into account cup as well as league games) with the dirtiest bunch of scallywags at the top and the angels at the bottom shows….
|9||State Aid Utd||37||56||6||258|
|12||Oil and China||40||63||0||252|
It is all worked out like this…
- Caution 4 pints [I think that should be points]
- Denial of a goal scoring opportunity or dismissal for 2 cautions 10 pts
- Violent conduct, serious foul play, spitting or offensive and abusive language 12 pts
So there we are. Arsenal to win 0-6. Or maybe not. Have a good lunch.
- Arsenal and The Quest for the Holy Grail
- West Ham v Arsenal Sat 9 April – The Match Officials. Has the ref learned his script?
- Why is the organisation that runs refereeing in the Premier League so utterly secretive when other top refereeing organisations are not?
- There’s a bit in the latest Uefa fiasco that the media is missing, and it is a key issue.
Untold Arsenal has published five books on Arsenal – all are available as paperback and three are now available on Kindle. The books are
- The Arsenal Yankee by Danny Karbassiyoon with a foreword by Arsene Wenger.
- Arsenal: the long sleep 1953 – 1970; a view from the terrace. By John Sowman with an introduction by Bob Wilson.
- Woolwich Arsenal: The club that changed football. By Tony Attwood, Andy Kelly and Mark Andrews.
- Making the Arsenal: a novel by Tony Attwood.
- The Crowd at Woolwich Arsenal by Mark Andrews.
You can find details of all five on our new Arsenal Books page