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Exclusive Untold Arsenal interview with the England manager

Untold: It is a great honour to be talking to you Mr Cappuccino.

Cappuccino: Yes it is

Untold: And may I say how improved your English is

Cappuccino: Yes you can.

Untold: So what message of hope do you bring to the fans of England’s football team now the world cup is over?

Cappuccino: We did not fail.  If you analyse the statistics you will see that we were the most successful club with a headquarters within one mile of the North Circular Road.   What’s more we achieved what we did with the oldest team ever to play in a world cup finals.   And we exposed the cheating nature of most teams by insisting that our team was English.  Unlike Algeria.

Untold: How was that exactly?

Cappuccino: Ten of their starting players in the Algeria game were born in France, but none of our players were born in France.  I rest my case.  We should be in the semis.  I want players with enough intelligence to open their mouths to eat, but no more.  Then we will win.

Untold: So how will you be successful next time?

Cappuccino: I have a ten point plan, which the FA have agreed with me.  With this we cannot fail.  Ten points is good because as Shakespeare said, it’s always just when the team is doing particularly well and feeling particularly braced with things in general that Germans sneak up behind them with the bit of lead piping.

Untold: Please elucidate

Cappuccino: I shall do more than that.  But first, here’s the plan.   One, we shall be the only country in the world cup that is racially pure. Germany didn’t produce good players for a long time.  They bring them in and change their nationalities.

Untold: Like the English cricket team?

Cappuccino:  Jérôme Boateng has a German mother, Lukas Podolski was born in Poland, Miroslav Klose is Polish, Ozil’s father is Turkish, Khedira’s father is Tunisian, Cacau is Brazilian.  I will not do this.  My predecessor (Sven) wanted to go down this route, and so he impregnated all the women in London to see if he could produce super-players who were Swedish-English but I fooled him and didn’t pick any of them.  I do not trust foreigners.  They are fundamentally unsound.

Untold: So it is going to be a racially pure team for you from now on.  But what about age?

Cappuccino: I was managing the nursery school team when I was five.  I don’t know what I did before that. Just played around I suppose.  But now I am going to get rid of dead wood.   Any player who is dead such as John Terry (mentally dead) or Rio Ferdinand (logistically dead) will be dropped.  I am going to bring in the youth as long as they are racially pure and English.

Untold: Just not quite like you then?

Cappuccino: I will blood the youngsters.  I have already attacked Theo with a carving knife just to show you.  Wilshere will be cut soon and Clichy, if they are really English.

Untold: What about tactics?

Cappuccino. I have new tactics – I will make sure that no one in the FA – me, the players, the secretaries – no one pays tax.

Untold: I said tactics.

Cappuccino. For the match against Hungary I will not play 5-5-0 like in the world cup but instead I will play 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 which is a revolution, and is tactically pure, to go with my racially pure approach.  I will also ensure that players pay no tax.  Tax is the cause of England’s failure, and if we don’t pay tax then the players’ minds will be pure and clear ready for the game.

Untold: Anything more, your gratuitousness?

Cappuccino.  I will foster team spirit.  Everyone will be given a pint of Fosters before during and after the game.  I cannot fail.   Any move that can be undertaken legally in football, is a legal move.

Untold: What?

Cappuccino: I will make the players happy.  My players in South Africa had a deep rooted sadness which showed through their game.  You could see that they had all been putting in a heavy day’s work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the reservoir, before taking in a bit of ticket selling and drug dealing on the side, and all before turning up at the training ground onto to find the beer had all gone.  I will stop this and we will move faster.   Some of my players were so dispirited at breakfast they often told me to drink it myself.

Untold: And did you?

Cappuccino. Nothing travels slower than the speed of the Football Association – except on occasion England’s defence, attack and midfield during an international match.  My racially pure team will change that.  From now on we measure against a new standard – Triesmans.  The fastest speed possible (be it in thought change or physical movement) for a member of the FA is 100 Triesmans when moving around a desk which is something about 1 mile per week.  I will improve this.

Untold: I don’t quite…

Cappuccino: The Philosophy and Racial Harmony Department have advised me.

Untold: Is that part of the faculty of Religious Studies and Water Polo?

Cappuccino. I have a computer.  But with a missing memory chip. But soon I will be better.   What you don’t realise is that all the memories of players and officials in the FA have been wiped clean so we can start again without carrying the burden of whatever happened in South Africa which I have now forgotten.   I have arranged that anyone attempting to approach my office at Wembley will be bitten by a dead pig.

Untold: Mr Cappuccino – should you not lie down?  Or possibly be shot to put us all out of our misery?

Cappuccino: Grovelling despondently is better than arriving.  The FA now has the greatest team of soothsayers ever employed in any football association within the universe, and with our policy of ensuring that everyone can trace their Englishness back five generations we will produce a team of supermen who can leap the traffic jam on the A406 in a single bound.

Untold: Mr Cappuccino, there is a view that no one as silly as you could actually exist.

Cappuccino: I rest my case.

Untold: Thank you sir.  It has been enlightening.  The world once made sense, but you have made it clearer….

17 comments to Exclusive Untold Arsenal interview with the England manager

  • Goonerpower

    Eh ????????

  • Rhys Jaggar

    I guess you just hope that Mr Cappuccino’s links to the mafia were limited to telephone calls with Signor Moggi.

    Otherwise you may be the recipient of a traditional silent Italian greeting.

    Unless they outsource it to the bored psychopaths of West Belfast who’re seriously bloodthirsty after stopping killing folks for the best part of a decade. Fuel smuggling and selling drugs are losing their allure, you know: nothing like a good killing to show who’s who, you know………

  • Arsene-al

    Hahaha brilliant article, hats off to mr cappucino for graciously offering his time

  • Finsbury

    They may be able to leap the A406, but can these chipper chap’s vault the arch?

    What use is that lump of steel, if you can’t vault it? Or even take a cabel car to the top. I ask you.
    Says here in the brochure, that you can fit a bus through the diameter of the arch. Yipee!

    Aunty Beeb has even made a programme, so we can all admire it. The Arch.
    Not much mention of the pitch design and composition. Funny that, in a programme about the re-design of a stadium, that was sacred, once, because of it’s pitch, the grass…

    A long section on toilets…there are, a lot of toilets in Wembley.

    It seems like the Capello Index is fluctuating again this morning over the Red Tops, and of course, over the Foot-C too ( You’ve heard of the Hidden Hand, well this is the The Hidden Third Leg. Not A, or B, but C. Confused? Just open your Third Eye, and remember the Third Way).

    It is hard to tell, the text keeps morphing into strange shapes, but it says right here, for a brief moment, that The Boss will be giving his trustworthy players a last chance.

    Capello, sitting there behind his desk (he doesn’t get down and out in London, Soho, as much as his neighbours it seems) and fluxing about with his capacitors is starting to resemble Dr. Emmet Brown, without the sense of humour.
    Unfortunately, AC Milan vs. Barcelona and a younger Desailly in 1994 looks a long, long way away.

  • Goonerpower….

    Take a read of the England manager’s explanations of why England are so poor – he actually says that Germany has taken the route of using non-German players and we must remain true to our national identity.

    Not in those words, but it is a really interesting notion

  • Dark Prince

    Never appoint an Italian to manage 11 English men who have ego problems.

  • Gf60

    Tony, I thought your mates warned you off LSD?

  • simon bailey

    I love the sunday funnies

  • Gooner Gal

    Haha – brilliant interview.

    Germany look like the complete team and deserve to go far.

  • Robbie

    In Sweden the England verdict is that the players are overrated, overpaid and that’s there too much pressure on them. I do believe that English players are earning too much in relation to their quality. But, it’s all about asset and demand. The modern football requires a high technical ability which is a rarity amongst English players. If you find one, he’s in a good position to ask for a lot of money. About the pressure, people here wonders why the media in England can’t cut the players some slack. The pressure on Rooney was insane. No wonder he didn’t deliver.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Thanks , Tony for making this Monday morning merry.Its the second best laugh after that classic match vs the Germans[it was priceless to see the expression on my 14yr old son’s face when England imploded].He could not understand why this Chelski[his club] infested side could not beat this so called inferior German[sans M.Bollocks]team.
    Of course if the 2nd England goal stood ,they could win it? That was shot down swiftly by goals 3 & 4.Where were the Russian linesmen when we needed them ?
    Anyway what’s Billy got to say about this ?

  • Cappuccino certainly believes in that notion. That’s the reason he didn’t even consider Almunia, who is certainly better than James/Green!

  • WalterBroeckx

    Capello, er Cappuccino, has a bit of Captain Bertorelli in him I think. 😉
    He would be perfect to become president of Fifa as well. He knows all on how not to pay tax, just like Fifa.

  • Finsbury

    Some highlight’s from good ole Aunty Beebs interview with the former Sport’s Minister:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/8787109.stm

    “Do you have to be a numptie do get on the FA?”

    “The FA need to treat football like a sport, not a business”

    “I believe the governance of the game is not prepared to stand up to its responsibilities,”
    Although, pointing this out, in advance (when necessary), may lead to vaguely demented and amusing accusations of xenephobia against the English.

    This guy, was a minister for six years.
    How many people does Aunty Beeb pay, to talk about Football, every day?

    My favourite quote from last season: No, not England hopeful, ‘Appy ‘Arry’s magical account of his scouts thinking TV5 was only a LB, but the new Chairman of West Porn, (Gilbert, not George):

    “Name me one player in the Bayern Munich team who’s good enough to play for a PL team,”

  • Finsbury

    Correction: The ‘really cool dude’ in the velvet purple jacket might have said,

    “Name me one player in the Bayern Munich team who’s good enough to play for the England team,”

    You get the idea…

  • Billy was arrested for FICK FUFA police for sporting a shaggy haircut. Upon his release we have negotiated an article with him about his experiences.