By Sir Hardly Anyone.
Let me confess that no one in the weird news industry (by which we mean what used to be called Fleet Street, TV, radio and the bloggettas) is, at the moment at least, coming close to the suggestion that Alexis suffers from dissociative identity disorder and has eight different personalities. That’s still top of the weird league.
Although staying with Untold’s own revelations, I did rather like this from a Danish correspondent on this august web site a short while ago, the comment that
One of the most nonsensical and patronising pieces of dogshit and you call yourself a professeur ? Of what?? patronising ??? It is exactly your kind of people that makes it so hard being an Arsenal fan that want success for the club.If we all did like you and sit idly by and do nothing, Arsenal would never again win a trophy.
Your piece of shit article doesnt wash with your average fan that have long ago seen the writing on the wall.
That one was hard to beat and one can only say to the author, would it not be safer for your mental health if you actually stopped reading untold?
But today we did learn that…
STORY THE FIRST: “West Ham will offer Lincoln a helping hand in their bid to pull off one of the FA Cup’s greatest upsets by allowing the National League side to use their training ground on Friday.”
Well, not quite their main training ground, actually. Their under 18s training ground at Chadwell Heath. Still a good attempt to rebuild their relationship with Tottenham I suppose.
STORY THE SECOND: Caught Offside have a bit of jolly jinks with “Arsene Wenger admits he (sort of) cares what Arsenal fans think, just not very much.” Actually he didn’t say anything like that, but of course what he actually said is neither here nor there. At least not for our national media.
STORY THE THIRD: Likewise I am not too sure that Gianni Infantino’s comment that “Arsene Wenger is an Arsenal icon” is actually a recent quote, but it has turned up today in the Daily Star, the newspaper that only exists…. oh well you know that one. Mind you the Independent also has “Fifa president Infantino glad he isn’t Arsenal’s manager.” So is pretty much everyone else.
STORY THE FOURTH: Anyway, we haven’t had the mass exodus story for, oh, what is it now, nine months. So time to run it again. “Arsenal transfer special: The 10 most likely stars to leave the Emirates this summer” That is in the Daily Express. Actually watching the old Excess I do see a regular pattern – they seem to have three month’s worth of stories and then run them around and around.
But they have given us their list of all the players who are leaving: Koscielny, Jenkinson, Ospina, Giroud, Wilshere, the Ox, Gibbs, Ozil, Bellerin, Alexis. But are they leaving because they can’t stand the manager or because they can’t stand the fans? Who knows.
STOREY THE FIFTH: I must say I did particularly like the headline “Are there similarities between Derby County and Arsenal?” Especially as it came in the Daily Telegraph.
SORTY THE SIXTH: There is an equally hilarious one from the Metro: “Stat Pretty Much Confirms Arsenal Are Doomed If Ozil And Sanchez Leave” This assumes that a) no one will replace them, and b) the team would play in exactly the same way without them. Hmmmm.
How about “Stat pretty much confirms only one Metro prediction in the last six years has turned out to be true”. Or maybe, “Stat confirms that only 1% of journalists in the national media has ever worked as a manager and 85% of those that have were flops.”
SORRY THE SEVENTH: The Telegraph today is tantalising with “FA Cup quarter-finals: Why are there four substitutes and no replays?” Sadly it fails to tell us. But then newspapers never were much good on “why?” questions. I wonder why that is.
SORBET THE EIGHTH: I did rather like the gall of one of the bloggettas with the headline. “Talkin’ loud and sayin’ nothing” which is pretty much an accurate description of most blogettas most of the time.
SOPPY THE NINTH: But Tony being the dance enthusiast that he is, went for ‘Pogba needs to spend less time doing dance moves on Insta’ There is no real explanation for this, just a rant on TeamTalk.com but it gave us a bit of a giggle.
SLOPPY THE TENTH: Then we have “Arsenal loanee Joel Campbell sends cryptic message following reports of Gunners return” What the cryptic note was, we are not told.
Which leads me on to thinking up our own headlines. This week’s Weird News winner is
Origami for Pyromaniacs.