By Sir Hardly Anyone M.Sc, PhD, (Burk).
It has been a breathless few days on Planet Earth what with yesterday being pi day (March 14 – 3.14 if you see what these maths bods mean.)
And indeed breathless on Planet Arsenal too, and again for a mathematical reason – in this case expotentialism. In order for each inventor of a story to stay in the public eye he/she/it (it because a lot of football stories are now created by robots) has to invent ever more outlandish stories ever more often.
So as an exponential series of numbers might rise 1, 2, 4, 8 while the expontential series of stories relating to Arsenal rise in the same way. I won’t bore you with
but believe me it is the underlying factor that leads us to these ten tales today…
1: Arsenal in talks with Arsene Wenger replacement: They spoke 10 days ago
Apparently (allegedly, madeupedly) Arsenal have spoken to Max Allegri of Juventus on a number of occasions about replacing Arsene Wenger. And this is “according to reports” in the Star.
2: Shock Wenger replacement contender drops strong hint over interest in Arsenal job
Jorge Sampaoli might be going to Arsenal. He’s the Sevilla coach who allegedly says he wants to work with Alexis Sanchez again.
Now with the stories about Mr Wenger’s replacement in full bloom some bright sparks have to change the equation. So instead of the above we have
which tells us all we need to know.
3. Bournemouth doctor explains why Jack Wilshere’s always injured
Jack has had a lot of overuse type injuries over the years.
“He’s had some traumatic ones as well, which every player can get, but he’s a player who is prone to break down if the load is too high.”
In other words it is all Mr Wenger’s fault.
I always guessed as much.
4: Arsenal plotting move for midfield destroyer with better stats than Kante
Arsenal eyeing Idrissa Gueye transfer from Everton.”
5: Exclusive: Arsenal fans reveal the three men they want back at the Emirates this summer
They open their piece by speaking that “After so many years of fourth-placed purgatory” – which is odd since last season we came second, and the season before that had the biggest win in an FA Cup final for x+1 years. But anyway apparently “most Gunners supporters are likely licking their lips at the prospect of change.”
So they had the idea of asking people (x=6 is my guess here) “would the north Londoners be better off bringing some of their former chargers back to the Emirates Stadium this summer?”
“The results of our exclusive poll are now in,” (ie they added up six pieces of paper) and the top three returnees wanted are…
3. Oguzhan Ozyakup; 2. Cesc Fabregas; 1. Serge Gnabry
Maybe I am maligning them, and of course because they chose not to tell us how many people voted we are not going to know, but I wonder how many people would automatically think of Oguzhan Ozyakup?
6: Good news for Wenger: Forgotten Arsenal star shows he is ready to play on Monday
fter months of misery, Jenkinson reminded Wenger and the Arsenal fans of what he has in his locker by scoring a well-worked last-gasp equalizer for the Under-23 team against Manchester City.”
Well yes he did score. But the real star of the show in our report was Reiss Nelson. You can read Andrew’s review and see just what is so amazing about Reiss here. Shame Red London missed that. I wonder if they were there.
7: Wenger gives go-ahead for Arsenal to sign £8.7m La Liga star
Arsene Wenger has given the go-ahead for Arsenal to sign Eibar centre-back Florian Lejeune, according to reports in Spain. Marca claim that Arsenal scouts have been monitoring the 25-year-old’s progress in La Liga and have been impressed with his performances.”
When we traced the trail of these reports back last year we found each time that the publication that has the “report” (in this case Marca) actually cites the people who are citing the reporter (ie Metro).
That’s it, they said, the Ox is out, injured and out, he wants to leave. It all took Mr Wenger by surprise, which resulted in “reports” that he was out of touch.
But now “Initial fears were that Oxlade-Chamberlain could spend a fairly lengthy spell on the sidelines but according to a new report by respected journalist Ben Dinnery, Wenger expects the midfielder to be back very soon,” so that is ok. This is from the Daily Canon, but then if the story about out for months hadn’t been invented in the first place we wouldn’t have had the pleasure of this rebuttal.
x = -1
9: Deal Close: Arsenal confident of completing deal for £200k-a-week star, midfielder reveals…
Arsenal are growing confident that midfielder Mesut Ozil will sign a fresh contract despite the uncertainty over the future of manager Arsene Wenger. The German footballer joined the north London giants for a club-record £42.5m fee from Real Madrid back in the summer of 2013.”
Actually I think that came originally from the Mail and they got it from….
10. Bild.
So now you know.
And what, you may ask, have we been doing all this while? Well….
This season the refereeing of 160 PL games was analysed in detail with video evidence. This is what we found.
If my teachers would have used these methods for maths I actually might have enjoyed learning it… 🙂
Good piece tony though you missed the alexis to be part of swap deal with Madrid who will use benzema as bait. This started two days ago and now seen three variations of it. Other than the fan one the site gave three potential candidates to vote on rather than ask the fans who they would like to see back it was more which one of theses three previous players would you like to see return. So no real choice and no real voicing of opinions from fans. On the wenger replacement piece there was a small section that claimed lifelong arsenal fans are putting money together on the just giveing site to raise money for banners posters and to fly a plane over the emirates to encourage owners to dismiss Wenger as they have had enough of his failings or mediocrity whichever way you wish to interpret it. Though if they are life long gunners I’m surprised as I have supported arsenal since 1978 the seven years before that I had little or no interest in football wrestling and rugby were my passions before that and rugby is probably still a big part of my life with wasps being my flavour in that arena. Anyway I digress having supported arsenal since 1978 there have been worse times I can remember than anytime under wenger we haven’t known anything outside a top four position under his guidance this year will be a real threat to that accomplishment as all the teams other than bottom three have improved by loads so how can a lifelong gooner be disillusioned under wenger under him we have won things have been to finals and won and lost also we have been constaantly at europes top table not a feat any other manager even ferguson or mourhino has managed with ferguson getting knocked out at qualifying and group stages before.
Perez is apparently off to West Ham, negotiations have already started for Bellerin to return to Barcelona, Sanchez and Ozil are going to Man U, the Ox is going somewhere but not sure where, Wilshere who knows, Zhaka is off to Bayern Munich and the rest of the team are either not good enough or too old or always injured.
The manager has been past it for years, the coaching staff and the medical staff are also not fit for purpose.
The future is looking decidedly bleak.
It’ll cost us a hell of a lot more to replace Ozil and Sanchez, like for like, than it will to give them what they want.
I am not saying that these rumours are true or false. But do know that the reporters have insiders and they are not always wrong. Remember the RVP saga? It was ridiculed on this site and see what happened. Something’s certainly brewing.
Leicester got rid of their manager and are in the quarter finals of the CL. Leicester are current PL champions. Of course, that was in The Star.
Leicester are also only 3 points above the relegation zone
Very entertaining, Tony. Especially the bit about Ozyakup.
Pleased Carl Jenkinson scored. He has always done his best for Arsenal. Whatever happens in the rest of his career, he can always say he played for Arsenal’s first team.
Yes, why were they in that position? We will,wait and see where they finish.,if the decision to sack their manager right or wrong.
Sometimes good fortune shines on the cheats. So Vardy got away with a butt. Its the way the chips fall -Walkers always fall in the lap of the veggie vendor. Strange how fortunes change for the losing team, Man U charged with not controlling their players. It would seem unreal if you hadn’t seen them crowd the ref in almost every match.
Crazy how the Laws are bent to suit the favoured. I suppose some trolls see things the same way as the PGMOL & FA.
Menace , Vardy and Nasri got an equal punishment – a yellow.
Nasri was already on a “solid” yellow for a kick from behind, so I have no idea what you are talking about.
Richard, what have you been told? Don’t believe everything you read!
I don’t believe for one minute Arsenal fans are involved in funding this plane flyover.
This has been dreamt up by the press, and they are funding it all. I now understand why there is such disdain to the media when they pull stunts like this.
If Arsenal do not make top four they will be worst off than Leicester who really do worry the oppo in the CL. Leicester the champions in the last 8 of the CL. Logical enough. Have to remember though that both the Foxes and Barca have only won anything due to bent officials and all round cheating. If City cheat their way through then a good showing for English teams. Still muddling has to what happened to Arsene’s English Spine?
Richard
I know quite a few fans who have chipped in for that banner and they were there (as was I) before you rolled up in the late 70s though you seem to be a nice middle class rugby fan by nature. Fergie, JM, Arsene. And the odd one out is?
Charlie Nicholas today claims we should recoup some of the money spent on Xhaka by flogging him to Bayern.
I’m melting slightly here. He’s not good enough for Arsenal, but good enough for the side which panned us ten goals to two, home and away. He also thinks we need Joe Hart and to spend £60m on a left back.
Melting….
osassa was fan in late 70’s? and todays arsenal looks bad to him? roll out the banners huh?
osassa? have you come from another dimension?
Have to remember though that both the Foxes and Barca have only won anything due to bent officials and all round cheating.
heh..refs gave 13 penalties to leicester last year
i dont remember any time arsenal being awarded 39 points like that…and i play 80% of my games the last decade in opponents area….heh
i take it our players were never fouled then……
as for barca now…well…they are barca ..if anyone has the refs in their pocket its them..certainly not little arsenal from north london who up until wenger showed up their highlight were games against totenham…
🙂
ossasa – the snake has an issue with the English language so he must be uneducated & more stupid than the trolls that normally grace this site.
Tom – both getting yellow is not equal to anything. Vardy should have had a straight red just as Nasri should have had.
Officials are given specific Laws not flexible marshmallow.
And the promised one , Pep may only be able win the FA Cup ( IF they beat us and whoever else in the final ) in his first season . Unless of course Chelsea either implode or explode spectacularly.
Get the best manager in the world they all said . They did .
Spend some more fucking money , they said . He did .
Buy a WC striker , the said . Well they did get a gem ,but then he got injured.
Get rid of all the deadwood , they said . He did , but …….still…
I never realised how though a manager’s job really is .
How about you ? Do you have a foolproof method ?
The prayer –
Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor.
“What can I do for you?” Said the Pope.
The Colonel said, “Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”
The Pope replied, “I am very sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and it isn’t something I can just change the words for.” So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.
After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. “Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.'”
And the Pope responded, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t change the words.” So the Colonel gave up again.
After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
The Pope replied, “Let me get back to you.”
So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
The bishops rejoiced at the news.
Then one asked about the bad news.
The Pope replied: “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”
When they were young lads, Brian and Greg walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked Brian, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, Brian replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
Brian replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for Greg. He’s my best friend. He’s six.”
“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yes.” Brian said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of that.”