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All the reasons why Cesc is guilty as charged

FA Regulations are quite precise in these matters, and sadly Cesc Fabregas is clearly guilty on a number of issues…

Regulation 28 (4) iii

A player who is not playing shall not enter on the field of play after the game is over for at least 30 minutes after the game.   For clarity it should be noted that this regulation does not apply to the manager of Manchester United who is allowed to enter the field of play immediately after the conclusion of the game when playing Arsenal and rush across to the referee.  The standard punishment for breaking this rule is the depositing of a barrel of seedless grapes over the head of the offending player.

Regulation 59 (21) iv

Players who are not playing in a match must be dressed at all times before during and after a match in a manner which is in keeping with native costume and tradition.  Where there is doubt as to the interpretation of the rule, players should only wear costume in which they have been seen in public for more than 38 minutes during the past 17 days.  The FA reserves the right to rule on the appropriateness of any costume, in order to fit its own whims, wishes and desire to annoy Arsenal.

Regulation 97 (2) ix

Players must not at any time show their teeth.  Players may not smile.  Players may not look. Players must not be pleased about anything.  Anyone who breaks this regulation must sing “Life is just a bowl of cherries” in Flemish.

Regulation 183 (82) iii

The FA reserves the right to make up new regulations as and when it pleases and to apply them retrospectively.

Regulation 188 (1) iv

Players can be on the pitch at any time, providing they are not playing for Arsenal.

Regulation 284 (835) IX part 14

Any attempt by any player to suggest he (or she) is not guilty of any charge made up by the FA will result in the player being found guilty.

Regulation 388 (2) CLXXXi

There is no regulation 388 (2) CLXXXi and any suggestion that there is, or that there ever was, will result in the standard punishment.

Regulation 289 (1)

No one in the stadium may throw a coin at any time.  Failure to abide by this regulation will mean banishment from all grounds for four years.  This regulation does not apply to J Carragher of Liverpool who can throw coins at people in the crowd in a dangerous manner as much as he likes.

Regulation 399

The FA has a statutory obligation to waste millions upon millions of pounds on building a national stadium, which must be 3 years late in completion, and cost twice as much as budgeted.   It is however strictly against the covenance of the FA for any money to be spent on the pitch prior to Arsenal playing there.

Regulation 399 (part 2)

Any Arsenal player who trains with England must be knocked around until he is so injured he has to miss the next four months of the season.

Regulation 399 (part 3)

Any player whose first name begins with C and whose last names begins with S and who is of Spanish persuasion, is guilty as charged.

Regulation 999

No player may bring the game into disrepute.  There is no definition as to what this means, and the FA will decide exactly what it means as and when it likes and find Arsenal players guilty accordingly.

Regulation 9991.1

A player may play for England if he is born in England, if he has lived in England for five years, if he is a naturalised British citizen (even if he has never been to England), if his father was born in England, if his mother was born in England, if his maternal grandmother was born in England, if his maternal grandfather was born in England, if his paternal grandmother was born in England, if he paternal grandfather was born in England, if his mother has become a naturalised British citizen (even if she has never visited England) if his father has become a naturalised British citizen, if his paternal grandmother, paternal grandfather, maternal grandmother, or maternal grandfather have become naturalised British citizens (although no visit to England is required), if his father lived in somewhere in the UK but not necessarily England for more than five years, if his mother lived somewhere in the UK but not necessarily in England for more than five years, if his maternal grandmother lived somewhere in the UK but not necessariloy in England for more than five years, if his maternal grandfather lived somewhere in the UK but not necessarily in England for more than five years, and ditto for the paternal grandparents, if he was born in the Channel Isles or Isle of Man, or has right of residency there, or has parents or grandparents who live there or were born there.

Footnote

Some of these regulations are actually true although the numbering system has been changed because I couldn’t be bothered to look the real numbers up.

(c) Mad Dogs and Englishmen 2009.

7 comments to All the reasons why Cesc is guilty as charged

  • aqqe

    Brilliant. Can’t we make the FA read this through in hope that they will realize just how little their existence is justified?

  • Josh

    Hahaha. Awesome and, sadly, true. It really is quite pathetic. I would very much love to read Hull’s official report.

  • Jimmy

    quality work tony. though i think you’ll find Regulation 399 (part 3) should read “…who’s last name begins with f…” or “…who’s last name ends with S…” (just to be pedantic, which of course is the great joy of the small minded… hello!) (But I imagine the FA wouldnt think of it like that!)
    Still, fingers croissed that they throw the book at Phil “raving psycho” Brown as he’s got previous. and of course that miracle of miracles, they end up finding cesc innocent. As he is.

    On another issue, how is it that liverpool can be putting togetehr bids for tevez, when from my understanding of what you’ve described they arent allowed to be spending money on players till they’ve soretd out their defaulted £350mill payment?

  • Nhan Le

    The FA will let this go. They’re just staging a fight to pretend that all teams are respected equally, be them tiny Hull or “mighty” Arsenal.

    I like the feisty way Cesc is in public, particularly when he is interviewed by the press. He strictly follows the if-you-don’t-have-anything-nice-to-say-don’t-say-it yet still manages to express his opinion very thoroughly and exudes an aura of authenticity (OK, nevermind the Cesc Fabregas Show. What a poor actor he is, even when playing himself).

    The same cannot be said about Theo, who I’m a bit worried about because he’s likely the first player Arsenal will offer a contract attached with image promotion. Theo sounds like he was coached on giving interviews. He comes up as polite, humble and intelligent but a little bit too self-conscious. He doesn’t sound as if speaking his mind, much like the way Derek Jeter of the Yankess is this side of the Pond. This strategy works as long as the media is still in love with Theo. But if this love affair one day unravels for whatever reason, the politeness and intelligence will be made to look like hypocrisy, much as the way Alex Rodriguez (now also with the Yanks) now looks.

    By the way, sometimes I wonder if any gooner here is a lady, or if this blog is a gentlemen-club.

  • Flint McCullough

    I would prefer it if you went back to your “tongue in cheek” stuff, Tony.

    Word for word listing of FA regulations is hardly up to your usual imaginative postings.

    I well remember an old regulation from the early 1970s, I think it was:

    Special Measure 1972.S.H.A.F.T AFC 6000251222:
    Disciplinary measures relating to teams playing in red shirts & white sleeves, with the exception of Rotherham United, are to be dealt with at a time to cause maximum damage, to the said team.

    This became significant when the FA brought forward a disciplinary committee specially to ban John Radford from the ECSF against Ajax. At that time if you were banned it was for all football. I may be wrong but I don’t think you were actually even allowed access to your club, if you had a suspension.

    To this day I am convinced that those bastards prevented us reaching the final, which we could realistically have won.

  • paddy

    hi Nhan Le, i’m a goonergirl from vietnam. i also know some other girls visit this site frequently like me. so this blog may not be a gentlemen-club 🙂

    u know i hav a feeling ‘nhan le’ is a vietnamese name n i hope it’s true.

    nice to hear from u! 🙂

  • There is no restriction on lady writers, and I know we have had a few from time to time, but I think generally football and internet commentating are both male dominated.

    My ladyfriend does occasionally look over my shoulder at what I write, and has read quite a bit of the new book (and laughed in places), so maybe there is hope for the female variety of person.