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Rising lake levels and vampires put Arsenal’s friendly in doubt

This is overseas week on Untold Arsenal. Walter Broeckx is in Spain covering “Cesc Week” and here is Billy’s piece on tonight’s game in Austria.
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Unfortunately transmission lines across the ocean are not what they might be and Walter’s article wasn’t listed yesterday on Goonernews, so if you rely on that august publication, you will have missed it.  It is here and it contains a lot of stuff about the letter “n”.
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Meanwhile: Vampires and the disappearing lake.
By Billy the Dog McGraw
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The long awaited game against Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 from Neusiedl am See, in Austria (western Europe), is in serious doubt.

Although all the 2,500 tickets for the fabuloso Sportzentrum Neusiedl were sold out weeks ago,  the local lake has been rising and falling with no apparent connection with the weather situation and the authorities are concerned, shocked, amazed, amused and annoyed.

The lake bed has totally dried up at least 100 times since its formation and indeed wasn’t there at all in 1866, when current Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 manager and local duck farmer Gottlieb Wenzel, took over the club.  I was pleased to interview him yesterday afternoon and can report that he had a penetrating sort of laugh rather like a train going into a tunnel.

The last (brief and partial) vanishing of the lake (and the football ground) took place during the summer of 1949 when the northern part of the lake bed (approximately the size of Tottenham) dried up, causing a diversion of traffic from the North Circular Road, across western Europe and into Neusiedl itself.  The event is celebrated with a stamp.

Now there is a warning that the change is happening again, and it is anticipated that by kick off time Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 could be under water or half way up a mountain.  Only time will tell!

Part of the problem is the Hanság swamp on which Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 exists, and which is known to be the home to at least six different varieties of vampire, several of whom have played for Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 in recent years, two of whom are still on the books of Manchester City. Man City’s chairman, Sheikh Yermoney, refused to apologise for his venture into Austria.  “It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them,” he said.

Much of the lake is surrounded by volcanic dust which serve as a habitat for young creatures who believe that they will one day will play for Blackburn.  (There is also a growing number of local missionaries working in the area, telling these sad young men that they deserve more from life, and seeking to sign them up with Hardcastle Wanderers in the Beezer Homes League Division Four South (west).

But the evil trade continues and the players are harvested in winter as soon as the ice is solid enough for the northern England scout ships). Indeed it is said that in February the blood flows freely around Little Lever, Great Lever and Bradley Ford.

However there have been many tales of the vampiric natives attacking the craft – something that is to be applauded by all supporters of true football on the Isle of Wight who are even as we speak (metaphorically) are attempting to persuade the FA to move Wembley to a spot off the Hampshire coast.

During the summer months, there are occasional fires, as captured English football club agents are easily flammable and the dancing continues long into the night.  Much of the area has now been turned over to a golf course, but there have been complaints that players are missing short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.

Several plans for the removal of the vampires, butterflies and other intrusive species have been discussed by the Austrian FA but they have come to nothing.

In 1971 plans for a bridge across the Austrian part of the lake were thwarted by supporters of Sunderland who have also started recruiting players among the alien life forms in the area. Traces of human settlement around the far end of White Hart Lane in north London have been shown to be directly related to lake creatures from the neolithic period, when both Sportclub Neusiedl am See 1919 and Tottenham were in the second division of the Visigoth Empire League – a sad moment in Austrian history, and one that the locals do not like to be reminded of.

The club itself had its best period in the 1990s under the management of Theodoric the Great, who also became king of the Ostrogoths in the afternoon when the players were not training. His motto, “Flowers are happy things,” is printed on the wall of the north end of the stadium.

Thus Lake Neusiedl suffers from an impossible array of problems: predatory football scouts from the north of England, changing sea levels and vampires.  There is also some commercial fishing. But the locals are plucky fellows, and we must not forget the annual freestyle mass crossing of the football ground during the summer when it is underwater.  Everybody who can swim and is more than 160 cm in height can participate in this event, which dates back to 1204 – that is just before lunch.

Arsenal’s team for today’s match:

Almunia the Brave

Sagna the gold, Nordveit the Norse, Koscielny the unsayable, Clichy the fast

Frimpong the unknown,

Lansbury the misspelled Henri, Emmanuel Thomas the Tree

Arshavin the tax, Chamakh the new, Vela the Smiley.

After the match there will be a collection for the water buffalo.

Walter’s report on Cesc and Spain:  ñ ñ and thrice ñ

Arsenalisation – the next step: the statues of our three great heroes

Even more untold than you can shake a stick at¿

“Making the Arsenal¿”

16 comments to Rising lake levels and vampires put Arsenal’s friendly in doubt

  • Reading some comments on past pieces could I say, on behalf of our brave comrade Billy, that there is a little spot of humour in this article.

    And the stuff about the lake rising and lowering for no particular reason is actually true.

  • AnonymousGun

    I loves the names XD

    Awesomely pick.

    Pong and Song combo sounds mighty fine in few years time.

  • Kerink

    i heard that lansbury was injured

  • Peter

    Billy – surely 1204 is just AFTER lunch, isn’t it?

  • John

    Can’t wait for tonight!

    From what I understand Vela has been on fire on the training ground the last few days. I would love to see him in full bloom this season.

  • steww

    Tony,
    I think you should get us to get the real from the silly in these articles. I would not have guessed the lake being true! Also we could have a sweepstake for the timing of the first idiot child to come on complaining about the silliness and or inaccuracy of the post.

  • steww

    guess instead of the second get.

  • To give away a state secret steww, as part of my proper-world work which involves writing advertisements, I do often write humour. There are not that many people who do this – and we are mostly completely screwy.

    But when I have met others who write adverts with humour they have agreed with me – the best ones start from something true and then work out into the surreal.

    In this case the starting point for me was that the lake is real, and that its levels rise and fall without any reference to rainfall or river flow. It seems to be something to do with wind, but could also be to do with the pressure below the lake – as if the mantle is shifting very slightly. I just started going from there, with all the silly names, butterflies and other stuff.

    The race across the football pitch is of course made up, but the race across the lake with those regulations is true.

    As to the team

    Henri Lansbury, Craig Eastmond and Conor Henderson are all carrying minor knocks and so have gone home for treatment according to the excellent Young Guns site.

    Armand Traoré however has gone home as being surplus to requirements (that is what YG says although I don’t know their source). If that is a true statement he will be out, I imagine.

    I don’t think we should read too much into the Lansbury, Eastmond, Henderson issue – its only a couple of hours flight, so they could be trotting back to get some treatment, and then re-join the gang a few days down the line.

  • Just me

    The team list is not true, a previous article stated that Lansbury Henri is on his way home due to a knock sustained during our last pre-season friendly, how then did he make your team list. Please guys be sure before u post any news, which of the 2 stories do we believe?

  • Keith

    Tony- I know this is off topic.

    Have you seen the Barcelona statement today that their previous board told lies about their last years P&L account where they said they had made £10m profit but have now admitted a loss of £64m!!

    How are they going to regulate the champions league ethos of working within your means when the big clubs just basically lie like this?

  • Just me – by and large I think it is safest not to believe anything written by Billy the Dog.

    Keith, I think the issue has to be one of audited accounts. I don’t know how it goes in Spain, but I suspect there must be a system similar to that in the UK – you do the books, the auditors check them, and then you submit them to the Revenue service.

    If you consider Liverpool, their last accounts contain a note from their auditor saying that they have grave doubts about Liverpool’s ability to continue as a going concern. Without knowing exactly what the auditor said about the Barca accounts we don’t know – but those may have been prelim accounts before the auditors did their stuff.

  • Keith

    I hear what you say and the results stated today are from the auditors but how the he’ll can there be such a difference of £75m if Barcelona were not otherwise trying to pull the wool over everyones eyes?

    Surely their Directors are legally obliged to be more truthful or maybe the ‘audit’ was only done after the recent loan was paid for obvious reasons. If so then the banks will be seriously pissed off!

  • Keith, everything is down to how the accounts are worked. If you have been reading Phil’s excellent pieces on the accounts at Tottenham on our site, you’ll know that he (and I) have been really critical of Tottenham and the way they present their figures.

    I think it is a case of Barca using a technique that amplifies the figures in their favour, and then the new regime coming in and having a vested interest in saying “the old bunch of farts were lying”

    It also helps explains why the new group will have to do stop buying, and give up on Cesc. They will blame to old regime.

    It is after all what governments always do – certainly it was what the Coalition did in the UK within a few minutes of taking over. “Oh my God” they said, “It is worse than we thought”.

    Final point – do you have details of the new figures in English?

  • Scrap that request – just found the figures. Yes the earlier ones were completely unaudited – so we all fell into the trap of not asking enough questions.

    A very very quick read through suggests this club is in very serious trouble, and that the report I did from the professor whose name I currently forget, was spot on.

    There will be a full article on this from Phil shortly.

  • Alvyn

    What kind of Vampires are we talking about here…are those things real?

  • Phil

    Keith: I’m reading into the financial fair play proposals and I’m planning on doing an article on how they work and what impact they’ll have (hopefully before the weekend). That should answer many of your questions.

    But this whole Barcelona mess-up just goes to show what I’ve always thought – there are too many loopholes and ambiguities under the current account regulations. They may work fine for normal business, but they dont apply well to football at all