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Government calls in Arsenal shareholder over expenses crisis

The government has turned to Arsenal FC in an attempt to sort out the current crisis over fraudulent claims for expenses by MPs.

“At the moment I think we are getting away with it,” said Gordon Cameron, speaking from his bunker in Whitehall.   “Most people are simply phoning Radio 5 and saying they are shocked, amazed, annoyed and frusated by the fact that the Corporation still employs Alan Green.   But the time will come when people start realising that they voted these MPs into power, and there is nothing so fearsome in the world as the British citizen who recognises that a cock up is his (or her) fault.

“I have therefore asked Arsenal FC if they could nominate an independent non-politico who can carry out an independent audit of MPs expenses, name and shame the guilty, and deal with them as appropriate and then brush it all under the carpet in the true British fashion.

“I am delighted to say that Arsenal FC have responded at once and nominated one of their leading shareholders, Mr Usmanov.”

“Mr Usmanov is known as a no-nonsense, fair-minded middle of the road administrator, who has no truck with those who seek to use the system for their own advantage.  I am sure I speak for the whole of Parliament when I say that we welcome the appointment of Mr Usmanov in this regard.   He will find the guilty parties and I have no doubt that heads will roll.”

MPs have been accused of a variety of outrageous actions liable to bring democracy into disrepute, most noticeably by living in Luton.

The government and opposition’s joint instruction to Mr Usmanov is that if he happens to find anything about the poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko and the traces of Polonium-210 found at the Ems when we played CSKA Moscow (not to be confused with KGB Fulham) it would be appreciated if he kept quiet about it.

A Commons spokesperson said last night, “I think we’ve got this one sorted now.   Where’s the pig trough?”

(c) Tony Attwood 2009.

PS: The idea of having a running joke about Mr Usmanov came from the readership of this site your honour, my lord, and I meant no harm your grace, goodness me know, your oligarchiness, wouldn’t catch me doing nothing satirical your omnipotence, especially not on a monday.

PPS: Tony Attwood lives in Serbia.

PPPS:  Where ever that is.

6 comments to Government calls in Arsenal shareholder over expenses crisis

  • pig

    perhaps mr usmanov, arsenals rabid dog, could be set upon the telegraph. the politicians all have excuses, whats theirs?

  • Terence McGovern

    When his representatives were asked if Mr. Usmanov felt qualified to hold such a position they stated:
    “The position of financial Tzar to a sovereign nation is nothing new to Mr. Usmanov as he holds a similar position at home”.
    They went on to state that their employer would handle all interrogations personally as is his habit and had already decided that any MP’s violating rules would be …..compelled to attend a lengthy seminar on integrity in a remote location away from the pressures of Westminister.
    When asked to clarify this Mr Usmanov himself stated that ‘remote’ meant far eastern Siberia and ‘lengthy’ meant indefinitely. He assured members of the parliament however, that this would not affect their voting on any issues as he would personally inform parliament which way the priso.. seminar attendees wished to vote.

    Gordon Brown had initially agreed to lend Mr. Usmanov the use of No.10 Downing st. during his important work but the Arsenal director had no wish to downgrade. He did however requisition the Tower of London as unlike No.10 the front door did not require widening.
    This has been Terence McGovern reporting from The International Spacestation.

  • justin

    If I was Arsene Wenger this summer I would consider doing the following; I’d sell Emmanuel Adebayor and use the proceeds to sign Carlos Tevez.

    If Arsenal get offered anything near the rumoured £20+ million offers for Adebayor I think that Wenger will bite their hands off quicker than a piranha would.

    As far as I’m concerned Adebayor should leave Arsenal and be replaced by someone who would give 100% every time he wore the shirt. Carlos Tevez is that man.

    The Argentinian gives everything to the cause and I’m sure that when, not if, he leaves Manchester United this summer, there will be plenty of tears from all those Cockney Reds.

    Tevez could inspire a young Arsenal side. Adebayor can’t inspire himself. Ade says Arsenal have gone backwards this season? Well he has gone more backward than the backward man from the film Freddie got Fingered.

    Signing Tevez would be a huge signing of intent and the way he has been treated at United I’m sure he would relish a move to the home of football.

  • jetha seth

    Like it or not Wenger will never be sacked – reaching the semi finals of the champions league and securing fourth spot for one of the longest uninterrupted champions league qualification runs ever is better than not progressing at all in europe and coming 7th or 8th. AFC is a business and Arsenal are consistant top performers. Not the top, but no business in their right mind would sack the CEO if he consistantly broke into the top four in the field.

    With that aside, the goalkeeping thing – Almunia has had an excellent season and I just do not subscribe to the view that he is useless. Considering Cech, Van Der Saar and Reina conceeded 4 goals each at various points in the season I don’t see how anyone can label them better than Almunia. Sure all goalkeepers have exceptional games but Almunia is developing into a consistant and effective shot stopper.

    Fabianski has had it. He’s a broken boy after his semi final nightmare and he’ll be off in the summer if we can get a new reserve. I feel sorry for him, because he has made some great saves, but equally his positioning is balls and his tendancy to rush out (Kolo’s OG on Sun) ruin it for him.

    We have the best Wingbacks (and they are wingbacks) in the country and we have the best English leftback as our backup. Eboue also effectively deputises on occasion (though semi final found him a touch lacking in positioning) – he had a good season playing almost completely as right back.

    We have Toure and Djourou who, on their day, are both excellent centrebacks… but this is the first real position of worry.

    Gallas and Toure are our best players in the position but they don’t talk. They don’t even like each other. Therefore one of them has to go, and for petulance and age, it’s Gallas. So we need at least 1 new centre back of international quality. Perhaps two in case of injuries/suspensions. Who else do we have to play there? No one.

    Our midfield is looking pretty good. Walcott, Nasri, Arshavin, Fabregas, Song and Denilson are all excellent and whatever anybody says, have all turned in some brilliant performances even Song and Denilson. Eboue also after a rough patch has had some good games and between him/walcott etc the right wing is covered.

    We don’t have a left winger though. Arshavin has two feet and can play there, but I don’t like the tendancy to stick Bendtner or Vela on the left wing. They are strikers. Diaby is shit and needs to go – he’s crap wherever he plays especially on the left wing.

    I’m probably in the minority – apart from the left wing I reckon we probably only need on midfielder and I wouldn’t always go for a multimillion pound midfielder either. Song and Denilson have the defensive midfield covered, Nasri/Fabregas/Arshavin have the creative attacking midifield sewn up – but we have no effective cover for injuries or suspension.

    Fabregas almost serves as the lynchpin between defensive and attacking midfield – take it from Song pass it to Nasri etc. It’s where he is best and where he excels. But we don’t have anyone else who can play there. We almost need a 2nd Cesc as back up – you only need to check out the teams decline whilst he was injured to see the need for a similar player.

    In attack we also aren’t as bad as people make out. Bendtner – I hate him. But! He gives 100%. He can hold the ball up. So for a sub he is fine and he can leap like a salmon – Spurs equaliser a particularly important goal.

    Adebayor though – bye bye. What a useless arrogant moany cunt, 5% effort, miserable season. Just leave.

    RVP and Vela are good strikers of the ball but it’s here in the central striker role that I really believe arsenal are lacking. We had 12 chances on Sunday and scored one. Chelsea had 5 and scored 4. What does that tell you? We need a clinical striker.

    Who fits the bill? Edaurdo. But can he stay fit? Since he has come back we’ve seen him for a few minutes at a time punctuated by 2 week breaks.

    The lad would solve AFC’s problems up front if he played 90 minutes every match. With his clinical strike and Van Persies balls to his feet I think I can see the perfect frightening storm spearheading our attack.

    Perhaps a striker of quality as back up (if RVP/Edaurdo were injured, would you really want Bendtner leading the line for 90?) or as a replacement if Edaurdo can’t stay fit (RVP also has injury issues)….

    So when argued like that – we have a pretty impressive team shaping up. Anyone who will tell you we need more big buys is nuts – Nasri and Arshavin are £15m players, Adebayor is touted as £30m which must make RVP at least £20m+ and Cesc could easily command £40m – £50m even in the current climate.

    What we need is effective back up for the team – perhaps a little experience in places. We only have 3 players I’d get rid of – Diaby, Fabianksi, Adebayor. I haven’t even counted Silvestre who should also leave.

    My shopping list would then be 1 GK, 2 CB’s, 1 LW, 1 CM, 1 ST.

    That hardly looks like a major rebuild to me.

    Look at the other way – would you really, honestly, do what Chelsea have done and spend £30m on a player who will give you 4 years of service before he gets old and slow and retires and replace a talent like Edaurdo, Song, Vela or Djourou?

    Sorry, got a bit carried away.

    Also forgot Ramsey, Wilshere and Randall. Brilliant players already and they are not even shaving yet.

    The futures bright, the future’s red and white.

  • Terence McGovern

    I would just like to point out that (and I am open to contradiction here) Nicklas Bendy pinky boots has more goals per minute on pitch than any other Arsenal player this year. He has adebayour’s ariel ability but can also recieve the ball at his feet

    I have already posted this but I love is I’ll do it again

    Arshavin Van Persie

    Eduardo

    Nasri Fabregas

    Clichy Sagna

    Gallas Djourou Toure

    Almunia

    Walcott Bentner and Vela can be the attacking subs

    Song I suppose could cover the centre half position as well as midfield as. Denilson also covers midfield

    As I have suggested before 2 new centre halves and a bestial central midfielder plus new reserve keeper are on the wish list but honestly

    Can anybody reading this see anybody beating that formation assuming we add the necessary signings?

  • Terence McGovern

    Ok thev formation didn’t come out so well when submitted.

    Think of thr front 3 in a ‘V’ shape

    the next two central support

    backed by two attacking wing backs

    with 3 centre halves with the tallest in centre.

    We have the mobility to attack and defend as a unit.

    I would so love to see it!