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Bogus Cheese takes on the anti-Arsenal brigade and tells them what for!

By Bogus Cheese, our man with an argument

Mes cheery cheries.  Bonjour, hello and what’s new?

A happy Limburger to you all.

Our dearest old chums of chance, the Anti-Arsenal Arsenal are up to it again!  You’d have thought they might climb back down a bit having taking such a hammering over the question of the tickets sur le season upon my soul, but no.  Passendale cheese?  Not a bit!

On our site, on our very own site, yes right here, on our beautiful dedicated and overwhelmingly overwhelming Untoldio, comes one of their number claiming, saying and proclamating such tales as you would not believe.  In fact you wouldn’t believe them.  And in case you do not believe and choke on your bavaria blu I’ll quote the very same words, the very words, and no sanitisation or Stilton (Protected Designation of Origin)

“So details concerning Wenger’s contract extension have emerged and it appears that he is no longer on £5million a year, they have given him a 20% salary increase up to £6million a year. Can you believe this?”

and another…

“If we have a fantastic youth system how is it that not one player in 15 years has come through that system.”

(Which youth system is that?  The one that developed Theo, or the one that took Cesc at 16 from no-man’s-land, or the one that gave us A Cole, or the one that developed Wilshere and JET and Lansbury and Frimpong, or the one that has developed Coquelin, or the one that found Anelka, or the one that found Gibbs, or the one that brought in Bendtner as a 16 year old…)

Oh my little serpentine, my little Ribblesdale Blue Goat, its the old trickety trick!  Quote a non-attributed source, treat it as fact, and they argue on from there.  Make up a statement that is horribly and hopelessly so far south of the truth that it won’t even stand up in a cheddar mine, and then treat it as real.

Oh come on!

Then the second bit of Kefalotyri and back with the supposed salary – they say, “How in Gods name does anyone manage to secure that sort of salary increase when they have failed…” assuming that a) the original story is true, and then b) there is a failure and that c) the world is as simple as a piece of Camembert de Normandie.

Instantly we are into corruption, and all the rest of the old Gruyère.  I mean to say!   Appellation bloody d’Origine Contrôlée sunshine or what???

This is the gibberish of the premier order.  This is tripe.  This is nonsense.  This is Munster-Géromé (no offence).

First, I insist, no I demand, no I utterly utterly mean you jolly well have to.  If you want to cite something that is not accepted as common knowledge (like for example the fact that an object dropped from a height towards the earth will accelerate at a rate of 32 feet per second per second) then you really do have to say where the data came from.

In the first case (the salary) no origins are posted by the scurrilous poster, but the story has cropped up on goal.com and a few similar sites, mostly using the same language and terms as each other, suggesting a fair degree of cutting and pasting.  In the second, well, there are no facts at all.

It is a standard anti-Arsenal trick – plant the story, get it copied and then get your dandelion minionettes to repeat it as if true.  There is no truth because there is no verification.  It is the Anti-Arsenal bundle of Oak Smoked Wensleydale and Stinking Bishop.

They plant the story and then try to get us to argue about it, thus attempting to get their original premise accepted as fact while we argue about the rights and wrongs.

Lord Haw-Haw or what???

Second, if you are going to suggest Wenger has failed, you have to do so within a certain context. Now you can say, “If for a moment we ignore the fact that in the last five years football has changed with the arrival of Chelsea and Man City’s endless finances, and if we ignore the fact that Arsenal have selected a route to long term profitable survival rather than the risk of continuous debt, and if we ignore that for the past seven years Arsenal has been building a youth team which started with the recruitment of a bunch of 11 year olds, then it might be argued that Arsenal have failed in not winning a trophy for five years.

“However to argue this we must also look at the historical context of 23 major trophies (league and FA Cup) in shall we say the last 100 years.  (100 is a good number since it is exactly 100 years since Henry Norris created the modern Arsenal).   So that gives us 1 trophy every 4 to 5 years – which means Wenger is not far off in the present run when there has been the biggest upheaval in football since 1939 – but even this ignores the fact that every year it is a top four finish, which makes the last six years the second longest run of being in the top four in the history of the club.

(The longest run of being in the top four is held by, oh, what’s his name – that French guy.)

(Put another way, even in the 1930s we couldn’t stay in the top four for more than five years running, and that was before Mr Hitler became general manager of Europe).

Now I know that one can construct a debate without all this complexity in it, but really to do so takes us back to the level of the Daily Star, and I am not really certain that Untold is working at this level.

If we are then we really should run the headline

Arsene Wenger and Elvis Presley lived together in a London double decker bus on the dark side of the Moon until rescued by David Dein and Captain Pugwash

I mean Icelandic Höfðingi or what?

No, my petty squiggles, my tiny footnotes to the history of propaganda,my little Marat, mon petit Robespierre,  you can’t do it like this.   If you want to corrupt the truth you can do it, but you have to do it with style, with panache, and with whatnot, and not with just whatwhat, if you catch my drift.

Might I suggest the writings of the Tony Attwood character in “Making the Arsenal” where he has Jacko Jones writing his King of London parody and the Swiss Navy is just one of ten different foreign groups to invade the country at once.  You can do it like that, but not just by making up childish little tales, cutting out 99.99 percent of the facts and then running a rant.

(You can of course rant a run, but that is a different matter).

My dear chums, “we’ve already said… goodbye – and since you’ve gotta go you’d better go now”, as the disc jockey played at my club last night for reasons that will not become apparent at this time.   And really if you don’t know that quote, you should pack up your Macedonian Kashkaval and head for the hills because this is serious.

Propaganda is an art and a science, and you, my petit Edam, my minor Gouda, my smelly Limburger you are none of these, my anti-Arsenal Arsenal propagandists, for you cannot write a believable story, you cannot entertain, you cannot amuse, you cannot convince with your dribbling little dribble, and your Jarlsberg and your Nøkkelost

What do you take me for?

Ah, one of those.

Well I’m not.   Circassians Tvorok Rossiyski and goodnight.  (And you probably don’t even know what cheese is).  Give us an argument with gusto and phlegm, not some basic piece of wholemeal constructed out of anchovies and scribbled down in three point seven seconds flat.

Yours sincerely

Bogus.

PS – Tony do I get double fee for mentioning your book in that rather authentic manner?

OK – but don’t tell anyone – ed

Oooops.  Sorry.

47 comments to Bogus Cheese takes on the anti-Arsenal brigade and tells them what for!

  • Umer46

    Sheer poetry man great stuff keep em coming…. Go arsenal the pride of London n plz everyone ignore these AAA jokers

  • Paul C.

    What is the sudden obsession with cheese? My wife makes a wonderful cheese fondue. She is Swiss. She has a secret recipe handed down through her family which involves alcohol and tender loving care. Yum yum.

    Anyway, if ANYONE at Arsenal is worth 6m a year, it is Arsene Wenger. He is the boss after all. I dont know of any other industries where the subordinates earn more than the manager, do you? I think it would be extremely strange if that were the case.

    I think Jeerry is hilarious. His arguments are so childish. He must be 13 or 14 and getting abuse from his mates at school for Arsenal’s “failure”. Because of that, and his own mental weakness, he has been suckered over to the Dark Side. “Let hatred engulf you” they say over there. “Let the venom and anger and illogical thought process overwhelm you” they whisper over there. Unlike Luke Skywalker, he is not strong enough to resist the temptations. Poor Jeerry!!!!

  • I think sudden obsessions are good for the soul, Paul.

  • scoicalHippo

    yaeh 1st! the sole advantage of NZ i guess

  • walter

    Bring on the cheese. 🙂

    What a great way to tell some people to use facts and not gossip. But I wonder if those people will get the message???

    I think they will read this 4 times, if they are capable of reading the articles, and then they just will start their rant once again like they always do…

  • kiwigooner

    As William Joyce may have said before his incarceration for naughty radio, a Rant is a SI unit of ignorance.

    It is measured in time only as it has no substance.

    The normal duration of a Rant at standard temperature and pressure is around 2 minutes. This times will vary dependent on the Rantee (ie He or she who Rants).

    Anecdotally two minutes is the average time it takes the Rantee to formulate a single thought, whether rational or not is not measured.

    The Unit of Rant is a Haw

    Just thought you’d like to know, useful lot those Wiki fellows.

    Is this the appropriate forum to express one’s keeness for cheese, or is it best to keep those thoughts to oneself?

  • A Casual Observer

    Good post from the fromagary!

    The thing is right.. that in my darker days I, and a group of select friends, used to do what Jeerry is doing now.

    BUT WAIT – there’s more – please continue reading!

    We used to pose as Tottehman fans and sow the seeds of discontent on their boards – one of our number was even made a moderator. Ok – I’m not proud of it but it was an absolute hoot at the time.

    One of us was even posting under the name of ‘Terry Neill’ – still nobody twigged and we posted some totally outrageous waffle – with a few “He’s right” and “That’s what I was going to say” the motion was passed and the mob just ran with it.

    Which is why I asked the question of a lot of these guys, as I’ve seen it all before…

    …are you Tottenham in disguise?

  • Squilacci havs signed a 3 years contract with us!!!!

  • According to sports.fr Squilacci has signed a 3 yeras contract with us!

  • pkgooner

    ha ha ha .
    spot on kiwigooner

  • Is Squillacci a Belgian cheese?

  • Paul C.

    Tony – dont be bloody silly. Squillacci is definately Italian cheese.

    Kiwi Gooner – You are bloody wrong. A rant takes at least 3 minutes at standard room temperature. And Arsene Wenger has failed. And Arsenal have failed. And our youth system is crap. And our board are tight-assed uppity fuppities who dont want to spend money. And the world is square. And cheese is a creation of Satan.

    There, 3 minutes. Told ya’.

  • Micheal

    I love it when you put those scumbags into their places, SIR Bogus Cheese… Accusations without arguments and evidence are not facts at all… Sometimes we must be generous enough to realize there are unintellectuals (im sorry… is there such word…?)and brainless dogs (there are aplent) in this world… Back where im from, these type of people are called stupidly arrogant… SIR Tony, i think SIR Bogus deserves his 20% increase now… 20% of blog space… hahaha… i love you guyz…

  • Armin

    I don’t think Amarelo would agree with this article, nor any other Portuguese cheese, as Serra da Estrela, Azeitao and so on.

  • Micheal

    And Squillacci is definitely a Belgian cheese… Verminator is gonna eat him up if he screws up… hahaha… Of course, i think he wont… I think he will be brillant signing for us…

  • FinnGooner

    I thought Squillacci was French cheese that was matured in Spain. Well what I know…. I just eat and love it no matter where it comes as long as it is good…
    Oh and if it is true that Wenger gets 6 million a year I think he is WAY UNDERpaid. He is totally worth more.

  • blooper

    I was just thinking about the English players vs foreigners debate and I was wondering how many English players could actually improve our team? Let’s assume our first 11 is Almunia, Clichy, Vermaelen, Koscielny, Sagna, Song, Diaby, Fabregas, Arshavin, Walcott and Van Persie. One ground rule, an England player has to be the same age or younger to replace them. Almunia – Hart. Clichy – Gibbs (he is ours anyway). Vermaelen – I’d say nobody. Koscielny – hard to say, as he has to prove himself, however Cahill is the only defender who is young enough and I’m not sure he is any better. Sagna – Perhaps some rate Johnson as better, but I’m happy with Sagna, especially given the price difference. Song – at 22 years old there is no better English player in his role. Diaby – not sure, but possibly Milner, but is he a central player? Fabregas – no chance. Arshavin – hard to say, would Adam Johnson be better (given how Arshavin performs for us)? Walcott – There’s nobody younger and he is English. Van Persie – Would you prefer Rooney? hard to say. Therefore, assuming we had managed to bring through all the latest crop of England players, I’d say only Hart, Milner and possibly Adam Johnson and Rooney are better alternatives than players of similar ages that we already have. None are from London so could we have done any better as we would still have had to buy them and all would likely have been more expensive. Interesting to know what opinions other people have.

  • Armin

    @FinnGooner
    6 millions is too much, I would do same job for 5000. And I can prove you in FIFA Manager that I can make better Arsenal than Wenger.

  • Blooper, not sure if you know the rules on this site, but your email doesn’t mention cheese at all. Unless you are saying Rooney is a cheese, which is a possibility of course.

  • Mohamed Zubairu

    If it is not true that Wenger has been given a 20% raise, then I want to ask the board to consider it as a suggestion and do it. Given the fact that Wenger is the most successful Arsenal manager ever trophy-wise, and given the sound footing that he has put the team in spite of meager resources, given the impending explosion of world class talents from the academy, I think that he deserves a raise. If Mourinho were the manager instead of Arsene, we would be without the Emirates, a flourishing academy and we would be in big debt today. You might argue that Wenger did ot build us a stadium, but if we did not have a manager like him, it would have been difficult to achieve. Other teams that built stadiums went down football wise. Wenger has kept us playing top level football with meager resources. The beauty of it is illustrated when you consider the Champions League draw of today. Arsenal, as always, is among the top seeded clubs and our tiny tot neighbors are in the third seed. This difference is credit to Wenger.
    In my opinion, no manager in the whole world deserves to be paid better than Wenger.
    Let me close with a “danger” that I see ahead of Arsenal. In a few years’ time, we shall have a glut of stars at the club. They will be too many for us to use. I wish the F A would allow us to
    have two or more teams in the league if not, we will be forced to be selling top stars because they shall be surplus to requirement. If you don’t believe me, follow our reserve and youth teams and you will see. This is a problem that has been caused by Wenger and his cohorts.

  • Sammy

    Out of topic, but did you see Jermaine Defoe’s handball? There is no media witch hunt for him (unsurprisingly) cos he is English, innit?

  • soulrebel

    What a coincidence, I was meaning to buy some Squillacheese myself!

    Once again, so glad that Untold’s positive outlook shines through the murky bilge that is the AAA.

    I always think it is such a shame that there is such a heated divide between the fans of such a great club.

    Just suppose though…what would happen if we were to win a trophy this season? Would the AAA spontaneously combust or just whimper away into the night?

  • soulrebel

    Ha, indeed Sammy. Defoe is like a propa playa, innit. Ee ain’t dun nuffin rong bruv.

  • IvoryGoonz

    In the future please avoid your French. As a French myself, I’d rather read your rants in English than in wrong French. Thanks

  • Fem Dee

    If Arsenal won 23trophies in 100years and Wenger won 11 of them *that is, about 50% of total trophies) in 13years, why is the guy going so cheap? There must be something fishy: either he doesn’t know his worth or he has suckered us to believe he achieved what he didn’t.

  • walter

    Off topic but do they have cheese in the Ukraine, Portugal or Serbia??
    Armin please inform us about the cheese as soon as possible.

    By the way did you know that Eduardo has now played 3 games for Shakhtar and scored 2 goals. Great to read this and that he in a league where they maybe less kick players to pieces seems to blossom again. Love it.

  • Armin

    Serbs have Kackavalj and it taste much better than it sound, Portuguese I already mentioned, and , well, most famous Ukrainian one is Tchernobilzola.

  • walter

    Is that last the one all green??
    And as I like cheese that much I even would have a taste of that Kackavalj.. 😉

  • Armin

    Well we are already making plans to go to have diner there, but we have some negative experience….you know lot of stomach problems and hangover

  • LRV

    Bogus Cheese! You most certainly can go on cheesing… or is it Bogusing? Anyway, you have my vote.

  • Finsbury

    Excelente.

    Monsieur Bogus Cheese,

    With this selection of fungal fruits, you are really spoiling uz!

  • Squilaci is a good cheese to have especially on a portuguese trip or is it all the to big cheesy ears cup of cheese.

  • What cheese does Fat Sam eat?

  • Gooneruno1

    take a bow great write up

    pity these thick people will never appreciate and understand what you have just wrote and cannot grasp what the last 5 years has been about!! imagine if these same people supported the mighty Arsenal in the 50s and 60s,if they are noy happy with what they have now what type ofsupporters would they have been went things wernt the best eh??

  • Armin

    obviously not fat free one

  • soulrebel

    Fat Sam eats all the cheeses, Tony. All of them.

  • GoingGoingGooner

    Should pasteurize Fat Sam…Heck boiled in oil would be fine, too

  • simon bailey

    excellent, the wensleydale gets a mention. a dutch mountain dog pinched my last piece.

  • Adam

    parmigiano reggiano has reported in the cesena gazzetta that a certain Mr Wenger was spotted sprinting through Via san Martino Shouting “show me the CHEDDAR”.

  • Bio

    You guys are on a roll today! On cheese no less. I could not quit laughing all the way through the article and comments.

  • Jimmie

    There are no good cheese here in Asia. Scienetist prove that Asian DNA cannot extract the good stuff from cow milk. They use the same theory to know Hungry blood line is of Europe or Asia. Heard some Asian club is making a case to Barcelona to Proof that Lionel Messi DNA is not of Barca but Asian, Since he won’t grow more than 5 feet even though he finished his milk every day when he was a boy. So Barca have to sell Messi for 10M YEN Only.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I’ve to agree with Jimmie – there are no good Asian cheese.This is due to fact that Asians don’t know their Kraft.They tend to churn the cow rather than the milk.The milk then becomes contaminated by ejectiles/projectiles/discharges from all other orifices. Yeech !I cheddar to think what would happen to those who consume it.Those dizzy
    cows are oftentimes put down mistakenly as suffering from Mad-cow disease.The upside ?Less greenhouse gases !

  • Rhys Jaggar

    ‘Which youth system is that? The one that developed Theo, or the one that took Cesc at 16 from no-man’s-land, or the one that gave us A Cole, or the one that developed Wilshere and JET and Lansbury and Frimpong, or the one that has developed Coquelin, or the one that found Anelka, or the one that found Gibbs, or the one that brought in Bendtner as a 16 year old…)’

    Define ‘youth system’. I define it as 9 – 16 yr old development.

    So on that basis:
    Theo was ‘developed’ at Southampton;

    Cesc at that useless backwater called La Masia, which produced such wooden footed deadlegs called Messi, Guardiola, Busquets et al, a few of whom made Arsenal’s ‘world star order’ look like Norwich City on a bad day for 60 minutes last spring;

    A. Cole started life at West Ham – please advise exactly when he shifted to Arsenal from that monstrously appalling talent spotter Henry Bluesack;

    Anelka was developed somewhere in that terrible socialist republic of cheese eating surrender monkeys, possibly where a girl called Claire played fast and loose in the fountain with simple little boys in the woods; and

    Bendtner became a hard lad going swimming in the Baltic at 6am in the winter, which is why he needed a few years of tlc to recover once he got to Colney.

    Yes, Wilshere, JET, Frimpong, Gibbs are true Arsenal ‘youth system’.

    The rest is ‘development squad’ products.

    Nothing wrong with that either, but get your facts straight.

    Ah, I forgot, 9-16 yr old development work is regarded as total rubbish, because Arsenal don’t pay anything for it, do they??

    Answer the questions honestly: I’m not anti-Arsenal. I’m anti lying and I’m anti hypocrisy………….

  • blooper

    I was on the other pages and looking at the debate between Tony and Jeery. I dont think we have one player that has come through our youth system in the last 15 years to hold down a regular first team place? Is cole the only one? I’m not sure. To be honest Wenger’s whinging has started early this season. He has already started moaning about physical teams like Blackburn and Stoke putting undue pressure on goalkeepers. All that does is highlight that our useless keepers who Wenger refuses to replace can’t cope with high balls into the box. This will add to the nerves of an already jittery Almunia. Whatever happens tomorrow, and I am not hopeful of all 3 points, I have no doubt Blackburn will score from a set piece. When will Whinger ever learn to keep his mouth shut. I think Wenger has conned the fans again and he plans to go through this season with Fawlty Manuel and FabHeAintSki as No. 1 & 2 keepers. he’s a star isn’t he, how can anyone think these two clowns are good enough for Arsenal. So for the few deluded ‘Wenger is God’ robots on here you can forget any hope of winning the CL or PL, maybe we will try in the League Cup & FA Cup this season, it’s about time we did.

  • wen_detta

    there you go Rhys..

    this called ‘anti-Arsenal’..who gave the name? i dun remember if i ever saw it on the other blog..

  • blooper

    An open letter to Wenger…Dear Mr Wenger,Thanks very much for your sterling work in consistently finishing in the top four despite being given minimal transfer funds with which to do so. I am also particularly grateful to you for nurturing the likes of Cesc Fabregas and Jack Wilshere while continuing to play free flowing, attacking football.However I do have one small favour to ask of you:Please can you sign Shay Given?There is one man that the majority of Arsenal supporters would love to see between the sticks this season and that man is Shay Given.I was a part of the North Bank which broke into a rousing chorus of ‘sign him up’ after Given had come close to single handedly salvaging Newcastle United a point at Highbury a few years ago. You must remember that game?While I would normally back your judgment over that of any number of Arsenal supporters on this occasion the mob definitely had a point.Almunia is not a bad keeper and he would be good enough to get in a lot of other Premiership sides. He is not an elite keeper though and neither is Schwarzer.The Australian might be a mild improvement on Almunia but it hardly seems worth going to the trouble of signing a new number one unless he is going to be substantially better than the man he replaces.Given has consistently been one of the Premiership’s outstanding goalkeepers. He is on a par with Van Der Sar, Cech and Reina and would provide the sort of reliable presence which has really been lacking since David Seaman retired. Jens Lehmann actually did a pretty decent job (well done for signing him by the way) but reliable is not a word that could really be used to describe someone with Lehmann’s anger management issues.With Given losing his place in the Manchester City team now is the time to pounce for the Irishman. The club are consistently insisting that there is money to be spent yet your pre-season outlay has been decidedly modest with the arrivals of Chamakh, Koscielny and Squillaci partly offset by the sale of poor old Eduardo.Please can you get on the phone to Given and tell him that you want to make him Arsenal’s number one? If this is illegal perhaps you could ask one of your minions to do it for you? If you get me his number I’d be happy to drop him a text.Please can you beg and if necessary blackmail (you must have some dirt on them by now) the board to make the necessary funds available. £10 million would be money well spent and a goalkeeper of Given’s quality could be the difference between success and failure this season.Admittedly Manchester City would probably rather see Given rot on their bench or pay him 90 grand a week to go and play in the Championship than allow him to bolster the defence of a club who, despite being run at a profit, are still considerably better than them.There is nothing stopping you from asking them nicely though. The player himself might then put pressure on the club with a view to forcing the move through. This seems to be the normal approach when other clubs want to sign one of our under contract players.Given has already talked about leaving and with a week to go until the transfer window slams shut he is unlikely to get a better offer.You have never had a problem with spending £10 million plus on a striker, a midfielder or even a defender. Why not spend it on an established, experienced goalkeeper for a change?Everyone really appreciates what you have done for Almunia by letting him play in your team, particularly after Lehmann was so nasty to him. The time has come to move on though and I can think of no better way of doing so than by signing Shay Given.So Mr Wenger, please could you do me a massive favour and just sign Shay Given?Thanks

  • Zulu Gooner

    Great Blog