Arsenal News
Arsenal News & Transfers
As featured on NewsNow: Arsenal newsArsenal News 24/7

Arsenal News, Only Arsenal, Blogs, Transfer News

Archives

December 2017
M T W T F S S
« Nov    
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

On the eve of Armageddon

By Paul Blythe

There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when you shall see Marouan, and Laurent, and Sebastien, and all the prophets, in the kingdom of Arsene, and you yourselves thrust out.’

I am a seeker of truth. I study the mystic runes and the wisdom of our ancestors to discover a deeper meaning behind the curious, unfathomable goings on this summer.

The signs were there, writ large across the blogosphere for all to see. Amongst the people, the righteous and the unwashed, there were mutterings of discontent, a feeling of uneasiness, an atmosphere redolent of the final minutes before the thunderstorm explodes.

Rumour begat rumour as each unverified account or misplaced explanation of events circulated faster and faster, spiralling ever upwards as the barometric pressure rose a tide of trepidation became a tsunami of desperation as the witching hour of the damned approached.

No naked leaps across a Beltane fire or mystical rites at the solstice could assuage the fears of the many. Mancs maidens availed themselves of their champions (for a consideration of coin), though these orgiastic contortions, bore naught but frenzy’s all too swift release.

The portents of doom were obvious to all from the up lauded Lords, to the humblest grove keepers, precipitation became perspiration. It mattered not if you were true believer or naysayer, whether you spent your energies in silent prayer, cogent debate, everlasting vigil, constant castigation or smoking leaf at the well.

I have delved into the vaults of knowledge, sought inspiration from land, sea and Sky(tm) and though my journey was long and arduous I have now returned to the land of my fathers and can reveal the meaning behind the symbols and the signings. The season of war is upon us.

I bring news from the tribes of the North, though often I found the speech almost unintelligible and the customs bizarre. The tidings may seem disquietingly portentous I fear they may have overreached themselves and on the dawn of the new conflict, they pose a diminishing threat, the true significance of which is not hard to perceive.

The oil rich Citeh tribe of the desert sands have contented themselves with the hiring of mercenaries from all corners of the earth. The glint of their gold lies heavy in the purses of those untested in battle. Their numbers are not trifling though there is little agreement amongst an army consisting solely of Generals.

Their near cousins seem content to rape and pillage and spend their energies in the pursuit of the flesh. They age and though their past victories are legion I fear their best lies dim and distant in memory alone. They place their hope in battle weary veterans and young untested squires but have more of a taste of concubine than blood on their lips.

Living on the banks of the mouth of a once renowned river, now seething in excrement and the miasma of decay.  A once great race scramble through the debris of their once great kingdom, formerly lords of all they surveyed they are now forced to survive hand to mouth, scavenging when once they swept all before them across the whole of Europa. The money lenders have insinuated themselves into the court and driven out the, albeit fading, General, with his greatest champion into exile. The new ruler is hamstrung, with the weasel words of the worm-tongued for council, he is doomed.

Closer to home the former governor of Chukotka, fresh from a host of recent victories has sat virtually quiescent, sitting like a dragon on his hoard, confident that should he be brought to conflict again, victory will be his at any price. He will unleash his Cossacks fresh from the Gulag Archipelago, at a whim to brush aside all who have the temerity to stand against him.

It seems that we are laid to siege by those of hostile intent at all sides. The possibility of survival slim, of victory tenuous at best.

Fear not my brethren for though the threats are real and present, our fighting men are more than sufficient for the conflagration to come. We may not be as strong as we may have been, but we are undoubtedly stronger than we were. We have strengthened more than the majority of our rivals. (See the codex below).  We are well led, in some cases well fed. But above all we have a spirit that will in the end, not be denied. As each battle is joined, remember it, in of itself is just one moment of the war.

But not all is dark and certainly not lost. It would be remiss in the extreme not to bring a modicum of cheer to you.

Be of joyous heart my friends for I bring you tidings of a strange race of Halflings. The live nearby, perhaps even amongst us, assuredly beneath our notice, small as the tiniest of tots. I hear they are a twitchy folk, harmless in the main but consumed by pride and envy. Possessor’s of the Syndrome of the small man, as an Apothecary would say.

If you are by chance unfortunate enough to see one. I say unfortunate as it is said that they are not pleasant to the eye. Treat them not unkindly for they uniquely amongst men, or nearly men, are afflicted by all of the venal sins.

Until the next time, I bid you fare thee well.

Below the Mina Codex, compiling the strength of the foes presently abroad in the land, decipher it at your peril.

ARSENAL  IN: Free 1 + undisc 2 : £ ??

ARSENAL OUT: Loan 8+released/retired 3+free 3 + undisc 2= £??

CHELSKI IN: Undisc 1 =17M

CHELSKI OUT: Loan 8+ released/ret 2+ free 6+ undisc 4= £??

LIVERPOOL IN: Free 2 + undisc 3= 15.8M

LIVERPOOL OUT: Loan 4+released O +Free 2 +undisc 6 = 23M

MAN CITEH IN: undisc 6 = £??

MAN CITEH OUT: loan 10+released/retired 2 + free 2 + undisc 4 = £??

MANIOU IN: undisc 2= £??

MANIOU OUT: loan 8 + released/retired 2 + free 3 + undisc 4 = £??

TINY TOTS IN: free 1+ undisc 2 =£??

TINY TOTS OUT: loan 7+released/retired 1 + free 3 + undisc 2= £??

————————-

If by any chance you found any of that confusing, you might enjoy this.

Wenger: the philosophy, the practice, the revolution

17 comments to On the eve of Armageddon

  • Arsene Apprentice

    Didn’t you mean.. “In the beginning was the word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.

  • A Casual Observer

    Ahhh… that made my lunchbreak!

    🙂

  • Common Sensei

    Spectacularly written, Paul Blythe your skill with words is unrivalled – I loved that entire piece even without considering the content! Such a joy to read 🙂 Well done once again!

    What was that bible quote all about @AA I think the author intended his own purposeful misquote as it was written…He wasn’t trying to educate people in the Christian writings it is an abstract style piece about football.

    I rather enjoyed it too 🙂 Nice work keep em coming!

  • Dark Prince

    LOL!!!! felt like I was reading from greek’s history book!! 🙂

  • Arsene Apprentice

    Sorry….. Just poking fun..

  • Mohamed Zubairu

    Thou hast well spoken. Thou hast spoken like a sage. What thou seest whilst thou art seated in thine bedchamber, these doomsday soothsayers canst not see even if they standeth upon mount Zion. They remembereth not that though the horse is prepared for the day of battle but victory comes from the Lord. Though the tots be filled with pride, and the people of the Man IOU tribe boast in past glory and the tribe citeh pride themselves in the delusion of silver and gold, though chelski vaunteth itself in the victory of the battle just past, vanity shall be apportioned to them. For the Lord has opened his arsenal and brought out the weapons of His wrath, for the Sovereign LORD has work to do in the land of the Babylonians (Europa) I bid the farewell.

  • Common Sensei

    @AA

    Ahhh that’s OK I was probably being over-zealous anyway i’ve been getting touchy about all this politic/religious stuff stealing time from talking about footy 🙂

    What do you reckon on the Bolton game? 2-0 Arshavin and an OG is my guess / hope

  • pote

    feel you man…we are moving in the right direction.

  • pote

    someone should tell me a good arsenal song/anthem…i need to download it. success comes with believe

  • walter

    Another very refreshing way of painting things Paul. I am a big admirer of this kind of articles.

  • ferris

    I’m losing patience with

    Sorry I have cut the rest of this because I really couldn’t see what the connection was with the article that was published. It may seem rather pedantic and silly, but it is a sort of house rule that comments should be related to the article under which they appear. Editor

  • ferris

    Well played Arsene for

    This post has been edited out, as it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the article. Editor

  • Common Sensei

    I’m almost inrigued to see the bit that is hidden, even if it doesn’t have any relevence whatsoever to anything at all about Arsenal

  • La Shiz

    Yeah me too. Half sentences are more intriguing than no sentences at all.

    That was brilliantly written, Paul, you Arse-nerd 😛

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Salutations and prostations unto thee O enlightened sage Paulus !Gratified is he who comes in the name of the Lord Wenger.We believe !We rejoice !We give thanks.
    Such merriment was felt in our humble abode when Marouan the untested battled the once mighty Nubian giant Samba of the feared northern hoardes of Blackburntoast.He was subdued at every corner ,felled at every tackle and such was his misery that day ,that even our own youngling (is there such a word?), Master Wilshire , even took a “free” kick at him.
    To the Master Scribe ,Sir Tony ,our cup runneth over – many thanks for this feast for our eyes.

  • Ayoola

    Where is the Benayoun buy by chelsea?

  • LRV

    Well done Paul.