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Exclusive interview with ex-Arsenal Bentley

To celebrate Anorak Friday, Untold Arsenal met ex-Arsenal and ex-Blackburn superstar Aaron Fortesque Bentley, who is now knocking them in and laying them low for Hottentot Reservoirs in their crowd filled arena at Leyton Ointment.  Untold Arsenal asked Mr Bentley if he was enjoying his current stint as a working foot-baller.

U-A: Are you enjoying your current stint as a working foot-baller?

Bent: Very much.  I particularly enjoy the chance to have more oxygen, and that is something you only get once in a lifetime.

U-A: But although you are playing with the reserves – which means you end up playing against Arsenal’s promising 15 year olds – you feel life is good?

Bent: Life is good.  Only today our manager Harry organised a special event which had the streets of Hottentotham swarming with convicts who were doing a mass run along White Hart Lane for charity.  Some of the players in the first team had expressed concern about safety but we were all given colourful fancy dress and that settled everyone down and the jailbirds agreed to go home for tea.

U-A: And what of your future?  Are you going to be transferred?  I know Scunthorpe have expressed an interest.

Bent: I talked to our Harry, and he refused to give me information on transfers although he did agree to leave a series of cryptic clues in the middle of the High Road.

U-A: It sounds like life at the Hottentots is fun.   Does Harry have any other special tricks up his sleeve?

Bent: Last week we played a reserve game in which the central defence was made entirely of dolphins.   I thought it worked well – their heading ability was impressive, but Harry said it was no go.

U-A:  Why?

Bent: I think it was the fact that the creatures have no legs, so they were no improvement on our current defence.  They spend less time getting involved in fights in night clubs however, so I thought that was good.

U-A: Speaking of the night club incident, has the club had much involvement with the police?

Bent: Quite a lot.   The Special Investigations Unit of Greater Barnet Police Authority has been investigating crowd problems at our last reserve home game, and arrested 350 people – which was more people than there in the ground.  Including the players.   It seems the main evidence is that none of them were church goers – and all of them have admitted that and I have to admit that looks quite damning.  I don’t think this is a coincidence.  One of them had his finger prints all over his hands.

U-A: But despite these setbacks and playing in the reserves all the time, are you playing good football?

Bent: Absolutely.  Bad football is like a plague which spreads like a satantic cancer, and makes your hair fall out.

U-A: I understand the Hottentots are planning to build a new ground.  How’s that going?

Bent:  I was told there were some problems over the plan to ban pedestrians from streets around the new ground.   It seems odd to me.  I mean we clear the streets so the shop owners can unload their vans then they dont like it if we keep pedestrians out.

U-A: But the new ground will have the spectators right up next to the touchline?

Bent: No that was just a bit of Harry wind up.  He does that to the press all the time.  You have a look at the plan and you’ll see that the players are as far away from the crowd as at Arsenal.  Its what Harry calls Elf and Safety.  But it is in a lovely area of London.  It’s right by the new skateboard park which is next to the old skateboard park.

U-A: So how do you see the future?

Bent:  One more year and I am giving up football – I can get the same sensation by having a BBQ being stung by a wasp, and then getting a virus, so all this training stuff doesn’t really seem to matter much.  Besides I was involved in an ITE.

U-A: What’s that?

Bent: In transit eventuality with a VPFE

U-A: VPPE?

Bent: Vehicular power front end – it hit the car in front due to an IVIAHTS –

UA: IVIAHTS

Bent: Inappropriate velocity impact absorbing hydraulic trumpet system.  Don’t you know nothing?

U-A: So what do you think about Hottentot supporters?

Bent:  Harry keeps giving us reports about them so we know how lucky we are to play in front of them.   I read this report on their web site which said that 52% of Hottentot supporters have heard of patio doors.  99% own a helicopter, 64% own two traction engines, and 83% believe swimming should be illegal in the Borough of Haringey.  Did you know that to vote in June’s European elections you must own four dogs?

U-A: And your ambition?

Bent: Well I already work for the National Sperm Council of Great Britain, and I’ve won the Best Use of Sound Award for two years running, so I have done a lot.  Obviously I’d like to become Doctor Who, I am appearing in a charity match to campaign for the release from Lebanon of Paul McCartney, and I want be more stylish.

U-A: Ah but that begs the question – what is style?

Bent: It is a wooden thing that helps you get over a fence and avoid the leaves.

This work of fiction is dedicated to “James Le Beak” who for weeks gave readers of Untold Arsenal the run around.   Lifting copyright text from web sites chosen seemingly at random he spouted a wide variety of opinion and got many readers – and myself as editor – to answer his increasingly wild and bizarre assertions.   We were had – and we’re mans and womens enough to admit it.

In return James I hope you enjoy this one.  Like your work it bears no relation to reality or to any person dead or living, or in any other state of existence.

With acknowledgement to the old days at On The Hour.  All abuse to Bent@Hottentots.info

10 comments to Exclusive interview with ex-Arsenal Bentley

  • Terence McGovern

    It seems this lifting the work of others and reproducing it as your own seems to be the in thing at the minute.

    Arsenal Analysis today became the 4th site to print an edited version of my “Renewal of Faith” article as as ‘anonymous’ contribution to their site which was promoted to lead article. I suppose that I should be flattered in a way but nothing is more annoying than having sombody else reproduce your work at their own.

    🙁

  • Jimmy

    As the kids say Tony “LOL”
    (shudder, i feel ridiculous even typing that!)

  • FZ

    Thanks, Tony.

  • Terence – on a serious note every owner of an Arsenal blog that I have ever contacted is frustrated and annoyed by people lifting articles and placing them elsewhere.

    It is done by a little group – the same group who ran the “Wenger must go” scam.

    If you write to the blog both in the correspondence column and off site and quote where the article appeared first they will invariably take down the copy and ban the writer. Up to you, of course, but that is certainly what I do when people lift my article.

    Mind you I bet no one will dare lift this article

    Tony

  • Terence McGovern

    Yes I’d be vey surprised if they reproduced this one Tony! 😉

    I left a comment suitably dripping with dismissive sarcasm on that site with the original link.
    Most bloggers check around to see what has been posted on other site’s and if they hadn’t taken the time to visit UNTOLD ARSENAL, then I refuse to accept their ignorance as an excuse. They have become so devoid of quality that they could do with a daily benchmark of it.
    I can understand when something is posted in as an anonymous comment but to then take that and reproduce it without checking the source is at best sloppy journalism. Then again, they probably take their example from the Daily Mail so I shouldn’t be surprised.

    They can copy anything they like that I write but if it is posted on this site, they should at the very least accredit this site and as such provide potential new readers rather than use the material to promote their own.

    Nevermind, I just need a nightcap. I’m sure I wont mind in the morning what appears to be a gigantic liberty right now.

    (Tactical Field Unit dispatched to offices of Arsenal Analysis with orders to terminate with extreme prejudice)

  • Nice one. A great read yet again.

  • parsi

    Toure has to stay. I know that Gallas is the better defender but when Senderos and Toure were at the center of the defence we were a great side. Senderos cannot play against certain strikers but that happens. If we can steal a world class defender like Vidic or maybe even the Danish guy who doesn’t want to be at Liverpool then I’d be up for the moeny spent but not on more cover like Silvestre. I don’t want anymore castoffs!!! Morinho was furious that Gallas went, as he was their best defender at the time but Fergie was laughing his balls off that we offerd £1m Silvetre and not just food and shelter. I would rather see more young players come through than more old useless castoffs that score own goals!!! I could care less if the youngsters were English as I don’t think the England team is a joy to watch. I want to see football that I can tell my grandkids about, and celebrate a trophy or two along the way.

  • parsi

    I have been scrolling some of the past few articles on here and been reading some of the comments made. Absolutely out of this world.
    I’m astonished at the deluded attitude of some Arsenal supporters, who believe that it is the plastics who support Wenger, while the true fans want him gone. In 2001 I was walking with thousands of fans to Cardiff station from the Millennium Stadium, where we had just witnessed Arsenal losing to Liverpool in the FA Cup Final, having dominated the match. One of the sort of foul-mouthed, morbidly obese, instant-gratification thumbsuckers that you sadly see everywhere these days began running amok, kicking rubbish bins and yelling that we should sack the manager. At the time we’d won nothing for three years. The following year we won the Double. Two years after that, we won the league unbeaten. I’ve attended pretty much every home game for well over a decade, and enjoyed some of the most brilliant football ever known to man, thanks to Arsene Wenger. While we have the right to question some of his decisions, such as signing Silvestre or letting Flamini go, we have no God-given entitlement to silverware, and the manager is not responsible for your emotional comfort when you walk into your workplace on a Monday morning and face taunts from the Chelsea fans. This is something you have to learn to deal with yourself.
    I for one am profoundly grateful to AW, and will continue to believe in his project, to which I am sure he will bring the necessary modifications, since he is manifestly not a fool. There is no better manager in the world game, and Real Madrid among others know this.

    This is why I shall be joining the pro-Wenger march on the Holloway Road side of the ground pre-match this Sunday, organised by REDaction, who are our (in the nicest sense) ultras, the people who sing all match long, don’t boo the players and never leave early. They, and not you, are the true face of Arsenal support, and are pretty obviously not plastics. I urge all other true fans to join us.

  • Funny!

    @ Terrence. Just went on to Arsenal Analysis. Quite embarrassing. Maybe they didn’t copy it and someone else did and put it on one of the comments section. Then they put it on the actual site.

    Still. Kind of makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.

    When I started writing (start of the season) I was oblivious to other sites and their motives. I only knew of a couple of good Arsenal sites but now there are so much and not many very good or different for that matter.
    But not many have taken mine. Which is either a good thing or a bad thing.