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Arsenal travel back to the future

Back to the Future – Arsenal 201

By Paul Blythe

As I stand here, piping hot coffee mug cupped in chilled hands staring out of the living room window through the distorting condensation, into the languidly lifting mists of the street beyond. I catch a glimpse of the lovely Christine, a woman of indeterminate age, impeccable taste and fabulous grace. She is energetically scraping the early morning ice off her windscreen, a prelude no doubt to her early morning ritual of splashing a kettle of boiling hot water over the glass to melt the remnants of frost she has missed. I often wonder why the glass doesn’t break, but I reckon someone somewhere has thought of that and with arsene like foresight has engineered a stupidity factor into the design.

Christine may not be the sharpest knife in the box, but she is remarkable for a number of reasons, not just the fact that she fills her diminutive dressing gown in a Ruben-esque manner but chiefly because she drives a De Lorean and it has an Arsenal sticker on the back.

With such a vivid and vibrant visual feast, no one could blame a fellow for letting his mind wander a little, a day dream, a waking dream of potential possibilities?

Ah the DMC De Lorean, now there was a car before its time, manufactured in still unfashionable and then violent Belfast; it was beautiful, much like its owner. Curvaceous stainless steel body, gull winged doors, the movie star of the Marty McFly trilogy, it was truly a time machine. Unfortunately the company ceased to be in the 80’s, a decade incidentally when Liverpool FC held sway winning a couple of FA cups, a couple of European Cups and more than a handful of League Championships and we could only boast a single success. How their worm has turned, and people complain about our temporary trophy hiatus!

If only I could take a trip with the voluptuous Christine’s De Lorean a year or few into the future. I wonder what the headlines of that day would hold regarding the mighty Arsenal.

A flight of fancy, an old man’s folly, or perhaps a glimpse into the possible reality of what Arsene and Arsenal is working towards.

Fades into dream sequence.

The Headlines read….

Tiny Tots Secure Olympic Stadium

Lord Saccharine upsets pornographers by securing Olympic Stadium for football. “It was the only course of action open to us.” He said. “Otherwise we would have to invest some of our ill gotten gains in rubbish like social housing and community facilities to secure planning approval……”

Shawcross Law

The over exuberant tackling of opponents was effectively banned today as the FA announced that the ban for serious foul play would equal the recuperation time of the injured player. In what has become known as Shawcross Law, a spokesman added that the commonly used defence of ‘he is not that kind of player and loves his mummy’ no longer holds water. In a landmark tribunal hearing a Sunderland player has been banned for up to two years for the double leg break of…..

Arsenal Open University of Coaching

Arsene Wenger was appointed head of the new Arsenal University of Coaching. Fresh from his team winning the quadruple Arsene Wenger has once again surprised the footballing fraternity by not moving up to the boardroom of Arsenal as expected. He has instead accepted the position of Professor of Coaching at the new Arsenal University. Coaches from around the globe can now benefit from…..

Allardice Sacked as Real Madrid Manager

Big Sam leaves a snail trail of regret as Real slump to their 7th straight home defeat……..

Arsenal Complete Purchase of Barnet

Arsenal FC has today announced the completion of the purchase of Barnet FC. Barnet will become the new home of the Arsenal second string competing in the Championship. This will effectively allow the up and coming Arsenal Youth to play regular competitive football without sacrificing the Arsenal ethic of Total Football which often occurs when a player is loaned to another club…..

Arsenal’s Graduating Class

25 of Arsenal’s exciting crop of youngsters have been offered professional terms this year. Although fewer than last year, this heralds a new dawn in the development of the modern total footballer……

Arsenal Delights in Reputation as a Selling Club

For the fourth year running Arsenal FC have not ventured into the transfer market, yet have posted net outgoing transfer profits of £135M. A spokesman for the clubs revolutionary Youth Project said.    ” We are more than satisfied with the quality of our home grown talent.” He added “We will only buy when the manger has identified a weakness in our playing structure.” Clearly this is not the case as Arsenal won both the ……

Arsenalisation reaches Middle East

Not content with subsidiary clubs in the US, Australasia, Africa and South America. Arsenal FC announced today an official tie up with FC ….

Financial Fair Play rules extended to encompass salary cap

One of the worst kept secrets in Football, the much vaunted salary cap was officially announced today. Clubs will have three years to ensure that their total payments to players do not exceed 61% of …….

Video Evidence used to retrospectively punish violent play

Stoke City are nervously awaiting the verdict of the new Video Court. Uniquely they run the risk of 14 of their playing squad being banned for up to 18 weeks for dangerous play. The use of video playback means there is no hiding place for the ……

Arsenal field 11 home grown players all English

It seems a far cry from the early noughties when Arsenal fielded a team consisting entirely of  overseas players.  In what now appears to be a complete validation of Arsene Wenger’s then much maligned youth  policy. Arsenal fielded not only an entire team of home grown players, but they were all English…….

Arsene’s Apprentice

Pep Guardiola promises to keep faith with Arsene Wenger’s ‘revolutionary’  legacy of youth as he started his first day as Arsenal Manager today……

Inaugural Wengerball Tournament announced

The first Wengerball tournament will take place this July at the home of Arsenal FC. Wengerball is described simply as two-touch football. A player can only touch the ball twice before another player must make the next contact. Entries have flooded in from all of the powerhouses of European football, anxious to demonstrate their technical prowess in this most difficult of Footballing derivatives. A spokesman from Blackburn Rovers stated “We won’t be coming because it is obviously a …..

Fades out of Dream Sequence into reality.

Oh that reminds me.

Isn’t it a shame the De Lorean was not a convertible? I would love to see Christine’s with her top down….

Paul Blythe

Feel free to add your own, who knows it just may come to be.

16 comments to Arsenal travel back to the future

  • Paul C.

    The first sentence is incomplete.

    Also, car windows DO crack if hot water is poured on them, but the temperature in England would seldom, if ever, get cold enough for such cracking to occur. If it is not cold enough to instantly re-freeze the hot water, then cracking will seldom occur.

  • FinnGooner

    I loved the article Paul B. I hope if not all then at least some would come true…

  • RedGooner

    Should we not just clone AW like Dolly the sheep ?

  • Dark Prince

    LMAO!!!!!! superb article!! even i would like to add some-

    Manchester United and Liverpool faceoff in the playoff-

    Next season’s Premier League will feature either of Liverpool or Manchester United for the 1st time since 2017…

  • Abhishek Kumar

    The most coveted cup is a tie between emirates cup and champions league, although Arsenal has won it 4 years in a row, Arsenal seniors lost in the final last year.

  • munawwar

    i actually love the idea of arsenal having 2 clubs… we should do that right away! get a small club… and send jet anobe aneke.. everyone there… the whole team can be of “loan” players… in no time we will have 2 teams in the premier league.. !!!! this is an amaziinggg idea… why arent they already doing it????????????????????

  • La Shiz

    I may be a dreamer, but I’m not the only one 😀

  • Paul C – 83% of sentences on untold arsenals are incomplete and 124% of all sentences are incomprehensible. 37% of all

  • Terence McGovern

    I lovce it.
    What a nice vision of the future.
    Pity there are so many people and organisations that will work to prevent it happeneing eh. The FA, FIFA, UEFA, The Media, The LMA, The BNP.
    Hard to defeat such a common agenda.

  • munawwar

    but i think getting another club in a lower division is just absolutely genius .. it will cost hardly thing as soon we should become the richest club in the world [ all thanks to wenger ] and buying a small team shouldn’t be a problem… we could make players happy getting games… keep them swapping based on form and performance… loan deals… just wonderful..

    monnene complains.. send him there! anyone complains send them there… they do good there… come back! i wish i was in the board.. i would push for this idea! haha

  • ROCKS

    Been reading from this site for a few months now,some very interesting points.I for one cannot wait for the european super league, No1 better protection from refs
    No2 Hopefully better football
    No3 Wenger could have full squad
    No4 No THUGGISH managers

  • Adam

    I love the idea of Arsenal buying another club, but would prefer the reserves to go by the name of London Colney. Not Barnet i beg you.

  • I thought the time machine was mainly used to fix the past. So Charlie George, Ray Kennedy and Liam Brady all score in the 1980 FA Cup Final, and Charlie makes his penalty kick to win the Cup Winners’ Cup. (Charlie and Ray were still under 30, after all.) Juventus can’t meet Arsenal’s price, and while Ray is starting to decline due to Parkinson’s, Charlie has one more good year, and instead of 3rd, Brady leads Arsenal to the 1981 League title.

    This means “Fever Pitch” is a different book and a different movie. Michael Thomas is still beloved, but not nearly the icon that he is in real life. Eric Cantona’s kick happens not at Selhurst Park, but at White Hart Lane, and, in revenge for this FRENCH player doing it at this CLASSICALLY ENGLISH club, he gets banned for far longer. Newcastle win the League in 1996, and their ground becomes known as St Kevin’s Park, while the number of Mackems jumping off the Wearmouth Bridge reaches epicdemic proportions.

    Without that ’96 title to their credit, Manchester United watches as Arsenal just barely edges defending champion Newcastle for the title in Arsene Wenger’s first season as manager, despite Keegan ranting that, “I would loove it if we beat them, loove it.” And goals from Marc Overmars and, in a glorious farewell from Arsenal, Ian Wright, lead the Gunners to a 2-1 win over Real Madrid in the Champions League Final to take The Treble.

    Arsenal win another Treble in 2002, and take the League and CL Final in 2004. But, in 2005, Arsenal lose the Final to AC Milan, due in part to a penalty won by a dive from Milan’s striker… Wayne Rooney. But, having beaten Porto in the 2004 Final, Arsenal have rendered Jose Mourinho a less hot property, and Chelsea don’t seek him out. Arsenal win the League in 2005, but Liverpool win in ’06 and ’07, Arsenal in ’08, Liverpool in ’09, and, in his final season with Arsenal before coming to New York, Thierry Henry comes off the bench for the injured Robin van Persie and nails down the 2010 title.

    Meanwhile, Spurs finish 4th, and their fans claim the gap is narrowing between them and the 20-time League Champions. I guess some things don’t change.

  • dats

    Dark Prince – You do realize that the only reason Man Utd. meet Liverpool in the play-offs is because the team finishing above them could not be promoted – Arsenal Reserves!
    Adam – Arsenal do buy another club, but it’s not Barnet, oh no, it’s Barcelona.

  • dats

    And there’s more! Tottenham could not move to the Olympic Stadium as this has been acquired by Arsenal for their Under 18 fixtures. All season tickets sold, every match a sell out. Arsenal Reserves coninue to play their matches at the recently purchased Wembley Stadium. White Hart Lane has been completely rebuilt with increased capacity for the Arsenal Ladies. Tottenham Hotspur, who now play on Hackney Marshes have requested for volunteers to carry the goalposts and nets.

  • critic

    as tony once mentioned arsenal tried to buy a small club but weren’t allowed to by uefa….
    anyway wengerball is really gr8 idea…may be a bit extreme but let’s just increase the touches to 3.