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Loss of pound disrupts Arsenal’s preparations

According to reports on Team Talk today, the Bank of England has lost the pound, sending Arsenal FC into chaos. Numerous players – most notably Andre Adebayor, Armand Almunia and Amaury Arshavin – have demanded an immediate renegotiation of their contracts.

“I had no idea that the pound could be lost,” said the Russian ringmaster, the French favourite, and the Spanish Shotstopper. Chelsea are set to appeal.

Bank of England officials said that there was nothing unusual in losing the pound, and that it was probably behind the toaster and would turn up again quite soon. “It happens all the time,” announced Sir Hardly Anyone, President of the Board of Bored Bankers who now run Liverpool FC. “I don’t think we should make such a fuss about our national currency. I lose quite a bit of it every day, but it doesn’t matter. It’s never my money.”

Team Talk correspondents however were unimpressed by this explanation. “I think that Arsenal will have to sell the team now,” said PostNicker of Pimlico. “I suspect that Wenger will use Chelsea as a bargaining counter and invade Poland.”

A reply from NeverWroteAWord said, “I don’t see Chelsea as an old lady afraid of a mouse. I see it more as a tube line that has been overtaken by a train, thus knocking all the stations from here to Arnos Grove off track. I saw a dismantled pope sliding along the platform at Cockfosters today.” (That post was copied from “The Day Today” on Radio 4, and had nothing to do with earlier correspondence.)

“The next thing we know,” said WhoseWordsAreThese, of Gettysburg, “is that Wenger will ask for understanding! He’ll probably say that he didn’t see the incident with the station, and blame the herring harvest. We’ll end up in the Southern League next year if we don’t buy Barcelona.”

PickBrain was fast in reply. “I heard that a two year old fish died at sea,” he wrote, and few chose to disagree.

ByeBye then wrote in to say that he had heard that Wenger had just signed a four year old hermaphrodite from Iraq and was touting him/her as the solution to the defensive midfield position, while NeverWroteAWord came back with the news that the lost pound had now been replaced by a pint of bitter and was available again in Ponders End.

But this was as nothing when compared with the news that the Liverpool chief executive Rick “Rick” Parry, has been convened by the sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe. Apparently LiverpoolRick is being asked to investigate match fixing.

Of course the notion that someone from Liverpool might be involved in heading a match fixing enquiry brought tears to the eyes of everyone. “1-0 with a dubious penalty in front of the cop in the last three minutes in 23 games in five years in the 1980s” said one correspondent, who in posting a serious and original point appeared to have misunderstood the point of the Team Talk blog.

Meanwhile the Star reported that an explosion of topless clerics on the A10 has shifted the Great Cambridge Road to the right, leaving it in Norfolk where it had hit the steeplechaser Erupted Toupee, removing him from the running at Chepstow tomorrow. “I don’t really mind,” said trainer Whiphand Beater, “the going was flappy to amorous, and that never suits Erupted at this time of the month.”

The Times noted that the removal of the A10 has consequences for doughty EPL manager-sackers, Tottenham H. “We appreciate that our supporters will have a slightly longer journey than normal next year,” said Mr Wedgewood Wedgewood, head of crockery at the Tiny Totts training terrace, “but we would remind our fans that we scored over 40 goals last season. Seven Sisters Road is rising, and if everything stays the same it should be downhill all the way.”

The Guardian says Chelsea have announced that they will impose sanctions on any club trying to move its stadium through what it called “fake and fraudulent earthquakey devises,” and have appealed to FIFA. A notice to this effect on the club’s website was later removed and replaced by a toasted cheesey. The FA have asked the Liverpool FC chief executive Rick Parry to be convened.

The Mirror reports today that Hull City management have claimed that in every game last season the 11 players of the other team should never have been on the pitch, were all wearing wholly inappropriate clothing, while the ref was breathing in an offensive and provocative manner. The Liverpool FC chief executive Rick Parry, has been convened by the sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe with instruction to fine the lickspitters 3.5p.

Meanwhile the Sun says that it has discovered a plan to build the new ground at White Hart Lane out of nine injured Welshmen and a dead sheep. “We tried using broken glass and a packet of crisps but the FA objected and convened Rick Parry,” said Sid “Cutter” Cutter, the chief architect. “Moving us to Norfolk could allow us to be Norwich In Disguise and I think that would be good. Arsenal haven’t beaten Norwich for at least ten years.”

According to the Daily Mail Birmingham is the “Swine Flu Capital of the World” and this has led to calls by Newcastle Zebras’ Supremo and GruppenFuhrer Jack “BigBelly” BigBelly for all matches against Birmingham LieDown and Aston HoldYourHead to be cancelled with the points being given to Newcastle by default. When it was pointed out to the owner that as a relegated team they would not play either the LieDowns or HoldYourHead he burped, and offered to sell the club for 50p and an bunch of lupines.

Elsewhere it was revealed in the Express that the thief who has been roaming the football clubs of Cornwall and stealing the grass is none other than Catchphrase McGuppy, the Archbishop of Manchester. Upon being arrested he claimed he was trying to borrow a lawnmower from his parishioners all of whom live in the area.

Après finally, the Blackburn Bugle reports that the ghost of Mussolini’s widow has invaded a dress shop near the Angel. London Transport have been informed.

“Now,” said the editor, “I defy anyone to take any of this and copy it on Team Talk.”

“I don’t think anyone will find this at all amusing,” said the proof-reader.

“No, but I enjoyed writing it,” replied the ed, “and besides the bit about Liverpool FC chief executive Rick Parry being asked by sport minister Gerry Sutcliffe to investigate match fixing is true, and that’s the funniest thing I’ve head in years. No one could ever make that up.”

29 comments to Loss of pound disrupts Arsenal’s preparations

  • steww

    Ah, a fellow Chris Morris fan I see. Great stuff Tony, gave me a chuckle with me muesli. Will be interesting to see if someone does pass this off as their own!

  • Indeed Steww, you have found me out completely. Alan Partridge on horse racing was one of the funniest things I ever heard.

  • Jonny Neale

    The twisted brain-wrong of a one-off man-mental…THAT WAS LIQUID FOOTBALL!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6jZFZNeOF0&feature=related

  • Flint McCullough

    This is all well & good, Mr Attwood, but how do you expect to be taken seriously when you continually gloss over the fact that we have not beaten Darlington, since 1964?

    A shocking situation not likely to be put right by a manager & board, who clearly lack the ambition to face up to such challenges.

  • JediKnut

    Absolutely unbeatable! Cracker of a piece Tony! Well done! Would love to see the chaps at TT pilfer this one!

  • Adam Smith

    Christ Tony, you have hit two birds with one stone as far away as Quebec.

    http://teamtalk.quebecblogue.com/

  • shotta-gunna

    Beauty Tony…you will be quoted as never before 🙂

  • Jeff from Fulham

    very funny-keep it up

  • rachnomo

    friends i know this is the sun but i’m not sure if you have seen this; Cesc furstrated by misfiring Gunners
    Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas says the Gunners’ failure to win a trophy for four years has had a serious effect on morale in the dressing room.

    Arsenal have failed to win any silverware since lifting the FA Cup in 2005 and Fabregas, part of the Spain side stunned by the USA in the semi-finals of the Confederations Cup, says the shortage of success has affected team spirit.

    “The absence of titles at Arsenal is what angers me the most,” he is quoted as saying in The Sun.

    “Cristiano (Ronaldo) said he’s leaving Manchester United because he had nothing else to win. For me right now it is the exact opposite, seeing the impotence.

    “This year we wanted it, we were giving everything – but we couldn’t reach the level that everyone expected of Arsenal.

    “When you win, you’re well. But when you don’t, everyone is in a bad mood. For four years now, we’ve needed a title to regain our belief in ourselves.”

    Fabregas stopped short of saying he wants to leave Emirates Stadium but insisted he needs to be “happy” during his career.

    He said: “If I have to say I want to leave I will do it face to face. If one day I’m not happy, I am the first who will tell the manager.

    “I admire Arsene Wenger but each of us has his own life and looks after his own interests.

    “My seventh season is about to start. It’s a lot when you’re just 22. When you stop to think, you see that time flies.

    “In football, you have to learn fast and take the best decisions for yourself and try to be happy.”

    The playmaker moved to Arsenal as a teenager from Barcelona but admits his family, all Barca fans, would not prevent any possible future move to Real Madrid.

    He added: “Of course my family would understand if I signed for Real Madrid because they love me, they want me to be happy and what is best for me.

    “They’d support me – whichever club I joined. My family will always be there for me – whatever decision I make.

    “They’re the ones who are always by my side.”

    worrying comments

  • Jimmy

    Hah. great work tony, lets see people plagiarize this one!

  • Here’s where the ragsheet stole the Cesc interview from. The original: http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.as.com%2Ffutbol%2Farticulo%2Fcesc-estar-mejores-historia-hay%2Fdasftb%2F20090623dasdasftb_19%2FTes&sl=es&tl=en&hl=EN&ie=UTF-8

    Read it yourself and see if you find anything offensive. Your disgraceful media are toying with you again.

  • jinal

    Anything that comes out from sun newspaper can not be taken seriously.I know the story about cesc is a very big lie.But if indeed cesc wants to go i don’t believe arsenal will miss him that much. In my own opinion I believe he needs arsenal more than arsenal needs him.The main thing that wenger needs to do is buy a strong defensive midfielder. I belief with we will be fine next season. Many people here that are always antagonising wenger will dissapear for life or change there user name because of shame

  • Rachnomo: I think that piece from the sun is actually a lot funnier than my contribution today. My first reaction was to think of deleting it on the grounds that it was off topic, but now I see that this is in fact exactly in line with everything I wrote.

    But to follow your point, there is one worrying thing. You, Rachnomo have exactly the same IP address for your computer as Jinal – which is, when you think of it, funnier still.

    Are you yourself in disguise?

    Tony

  • steww

    Detective Atwood rumbles them again. Anyone could guess this was a piece of hack nonsense. Don’t read it, if you must then don’t repeat it.

  • JediKnut

    Ole Gunner – thanks! I knew it would be something mistranslated & played up by a journo who needed a top headline for the day!

  • stuartlondon

    Dear Tony
    Hillarious! Spoke to a close friend who works in media and sports PR. He said journalists sometimes make up stories to sell newspapers. Honestly, I was shocked! Also, I’m beginning to think that some of the people who post opinions about Arsenal don’t have the team’s best interests at heart. sounds sill, I know. Am I being paranoid?

  • daokta

    There goes your reputation for being a serious blog! Hilarious as it is, I am afraid it pales in comparison to the drivel printed by the asinine so-called football journalists on a daily basis.

  • rachnomo

    Oh my that is very strange

  • Jonny Neale

    Jebus.

    Just looking at Gooner News (why do I bother?). This whole Cesc thing pisses me off – Sample headline “Fabregas hints he may leave Arsenal for Real Madrid”.

    This kind of fire-stoking nonsense is central to the rise of the anti-Wenger bullshit blog. Watch, with NO surprise whatsoever, as they lap it up, like a dog licking it’s own balls, and then use it to proclaim as ‘evidence’ to support their own feeble claims that Wenger is destroying the club through a lack of ambition. THIS is why Fabregas wants to leave…except that errr he doesn’t.

    How can people be so dumb as to listen to these rags?

    Its a cycle of idiocy, unburdened by evidence, ridden by clowns. I just wish someone would run them over (preferably with the HGV of truth).

    Sorry rant over. I feel a bit better now. Thank Jebus for this haven of (un)common sense.

  • LRV

    Freedom of the press! I am fed up with freedom that give man the power to toy with the emotions and intelects of other people in this way. I wish it was easy for Arsenal to simply ban + bannish all of this country’s journos from coming anywhwere near Arsenal or its players. But I have to accept that it is not as easy as that. However, couldn’t Wenger just instruct the players not to grant any more interviews? That should stop many misquotes.

  • rachnomo

    Guys has Amaury Bischoff been released by arsenal – ?

  • rachnomo- apparently so although there hasn’t been big news about it. I suspect when it’s july 31 (or is it june 31?) that’s when it’ll be made official.

  • simba

    Intresting post from wrighty here,

    My mate, a Spud, informs me that the little leprechaun Robbie Keane, one of the most annnnnnnoying players in the Premiership, is set to leave the other lot for the second time in 12 months to join Sunderland. Flippin’ heck! That is some crazy sTUFF! They are fast becoming the Hokey-Cokey club. With all the in, out, in, out going on there must be a revolving door down at the Lane. Is Harry trying to rebuild the Tottenham side of 2005 and then destroy it? People say Wenger is the mad professor! It’s easy to laugh at them. It’s quite embarrassing really. But I wonder, should Arsenal do a little hokey-cokeying themselves? Lets bring back Igor Stepanovs through the Emirates door. He’s solid at the back right? Nah, let’s get serious. Who could we bring back? Despite the signing of the Belgian bun I still believe a central defender should be signed. At the expense of Silvestre maybe? We’ve been linked with Upson. He would provide us with that English ‘grit’ we lack. He would be a left sided central defender though and apparently we have about 4,986,894 of those. Rule him out? How about a goal-scoring winger? Hleb or Reyes could be available. Or maybe not. Its a shame that Bobby Pires wasn’t a little younger. Mind you, he would still be at the club if he was about six years younger. Someone that could be available, and I’m sure there will be plenty of yawns, is Mattieu Flamini. We all know how well he and Cesc Fabregas played together. I actually believe that the Fabregas-Flamini partnership would have eventually evolved into one better than Vieira and Petit. And I believe in that more then love and Santa Claus. What do you think? Any exe’s to come back? Or should once someone has left then the door should be closed? The other lot don’t think so. But I am NOT suggesting we copy their blue-print!

  • Adam Smith

    simba,

    IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY !

  • Eskaia

    The majority of the media is just absolute garbage! What’s worse, is the plastic Arsenal ‘fans’ that read this BS and start tearing their hair out and take it to heart. How ridiculously ignorant and naive are you? It’s so upsetting to see just about every news site or blog (except a very select few like this one) running the headline: ‘Fabregas calls Arsenal Impotent’. So now, cesc has to come out, AGAIN, and say,

    “I’m not sure how many times I need to talk directly about my commitment to Arsenal as I continue to say the same thing over and over again, but it appears that every time I have spoken to the Spanish media recently, my words have bounced back to England, leaving question marks about my future.

    “So, for anyone who is unclear or may have misunderstood what my position is, let me make myself absolutely crystal clear. I am wholeheartedly committed to Arsenal and my future lies with this great Club.

    “It is a fact that we have not won a trophy for four years and yes, I am angry about that, but that anger stems from the deep deep desire I have to win things with Arsenal. I care about this Club and believe in this team. I
    am proud to captain this team and proud to wear the shirt. It really upsets me when people express my thoughts otherwise. The spirit in this squad is fantastic and we have the ability and mentality to compete on all fronts for silverware. Make no mistake, we are focussed and determined to show that we are capable of achieving great things together.”

    Do you think that will stop this mindless drivel from being reported next week though? Not a chance, I’m afraid.

    Hilarious article btw, Mr. Attwood, let’s see how many times it gets reprinted.

  • Chrissie

    Tony, absolutely wonderful. You really brightened up my morning, even forgot about my toothache.

  • walter

    Very nice Mr. Atwood.
    And anyone believing all the rubbish in the English Press: DONT.

  • pig

    excellent piece. brightened up a really bright day.