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Barking mad: the story of football, DNA and some very young boys

By Father Brian

Now on day release, Father Brian who still maintains his innocence has embarked on a journey of self discovery. His interest in boys is well documented (HM Govt vs. Fr. B Murphy 2009) but bravely he has decided to attempt to lift the sheets on the secretive world of La Mafia. This is an in depth, undercover expose of the famous Barka Academy.

Much has been written and spoken about the marvellous progress made by Barka and their brand of tippy tapas football.

They are reaping the rewards of far sightedness and long term investment and patience. Someone had a dream and the dream was about young boys. Young boys run wild and free, chasing a football in the warm Spanish sun with perspiration shining, the sound of laughter ringing around the Olive groves. That man was arrested, but his dream lived on.

La Mafia de Mary Con (to give it its full title)  is the heart of the Barka’s Youth or puppy as they are affectionately known, farming system. It was not really much to shout about until in 1979, a certain man called Crufts fresh from success in a dog breeding programme rolled into town and suggested that it was to be converted into Ajax lite. Crufts later became the coach of Barka.

A disused farm cottage and stables built around 1702, it was more or less left empty save for farm animals and the occasional romantic roll in the hay until it was converted into a social headquarters in 1957. With the expansion of the national socialists across Spain it became too closeted. It was converted into a dormitory and it was decided to lump all of the promising players they could steal, beg, traffic, borrow or buy into it and convert it into a hot house, a veritable naked sauna of footballing talent.

The rules of admission are strict, you have to be over 7, male, impressionable and be able to kick a ball, it matters not your nationality but it helps if you have beautiful eyes.

After years of hard physical endeavour, when you are a teenager they move you to the puppy farm, the now famous Barka cottaging experiment can begin.

“There are obvious advantages in having all these young boys in one place and constantly available 24/7. Their footballing and personal development can be closely monitored. We even have CCTV in the showers.” A kennel spokesman maintained.

The insertion of Barka DNA occurs when the head groom (an historical title based on the prior use of the building) decides the young man will be most amenable and for legal reasons, usually just after his 17th birthday. This is best achieved at night, the number of insertions being at the groom’s discretion. Though there have been rumours of some boys needing a year or two of regular evening ‘one to one’ interventions before they fully conform to the Barka Doggy Style instinctively.

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The current coach Pepsi was kidnapped from his village in Santpaedo and has lived there since he was 13 and hopes to be allowed home soon. It may sound extreme but it makes good financial sense since the transfer fees of young boys are not high it is not an expensive way to create a willing pool of malleable talent

Currently they have squeezed in around 60 young men, 90% from Spain, 50% from Catalonia (very different from Spain) and 10% from elsewhere. So they have around 150% of players available to them.

Currently 12 first teamers have graduated from La Contra or the quarry which they call their prey (B Team to you and me), from which they were mined, shaped and polished into the final article before being unleashed? onto an unsuspecting football stage.

Chances are though that any individual will not make it through this strict and difficult maturation policy, in fact only 5% may make it to the first team, a further 20% may find a home in professional football at some level.

The rest can be found loitering in the shadier parts of city centres everywhere usually late at night, a modern variant of pay and you can play.

The players of the Contras are divided into two categories, Pearls and Backbones (boners to the people in the know).

If you are the boner you are likely to be a bit older, not really that good at football, well actually comparatively shit, you will be kept a year of two to help the Pearls harden up and then sold or discarded. Your Barka DNA will have been removed whilst you sleep and no one will admit to having known you, ever.

If you are a Pearl you  are a youngster with potential and may well remain to see if their grooming, polishing and continuous daily input  can convert you to the finished article.

Many of the boys are helped to grow up, L**nel was pumped full of growth hormone to increase his stature, though it hasn’t worked particularly well, and the club have since discontinued the practice of buying drugs off the internet.

Some do escape to play elsewhere of their own volition these may be the more sentient of the Backbones, or an ambitious Pearl. They have the opportunity to seek out their own destiny without leaving their future to the Anal cut that happens every year. It is rumoured that many flee the Barka DNA insertion, hence the loss of many 16 year olds.

The first director of the residence was Joan Farces, whose son Joan?  took over from him after his death in 1993, as they like to keep things in the family and all sons are called Joan. In a break from tradition Carless Floggim has been the director since 2004; he lives locally as he is unable to drive, due to an embarrassing underage trafficking conviction some years ago.

No less than 503 youngsters have passed through the cottaging system since 1979 and most of them failed to make the grade at Barka unable to fully demonstrate the famous Barka Doggy Style. Happily they have a metal chute that runs from an upstairs window; those Pearls who fail to make the grade are sent down the slide never to be seen again. The garden is littered with backbones and other skeletal remains.

But all of them left with warm memories and a lifelong passion for the red-and-blue stripes and were not bitter or disappointed. There is no suggestion that an investigation like that of the Catholic Church is being considered.

All of the boys there quickly learn the ‘Barka philosophy’ of patient possession football – followed by quick interchanges and rapid movement in attack and hunting for lost possession in packs. Though not seen in games most players can catch a Frisbee in their mouth whilst running a full speed. It is essential therefore that all players must be athletic, toned, lithe, photogenic, handsome, beautiful and most definitely light on their feet.

Now it would appear that this much lauded system actually took some time to produce a first team player or two. From its inception in 1979 amongst the first pedigree litters of La Mafia, were in the mid to late 1980s. They were Barry Manolo, Angel Pederast, Jordi Venial, and Gloria Esteban, oh and Nayim de Bastard.

Things really started to take off when  Crufts, who was appointed Barka  coach in 1988, built his ‘Dream Team’ around La Mafia products Pepsi and Shirley Gladiola, Glen Milla, Sergio Banjo and Ivan de la Penis.

Recent ‘graduates’ include Potholes, Chavi, Spot, Incest and Messy – all of them fundamental elements in Gladiola’s current all-conquering side – as well as players who have found success outside Barka such as Josie Rhiana and Michele Urethra. The latter despite press rumours to the contrary fled the kennel to avoid the indignity of Barka DNA insertion.

Whatever your reservations may be about the methodology the system clearly works. Barka players have won the Balloon Door and Golden Balls awards several years running, not to mention European and World Cups and ‘Best in Show, twice.

As head coach Gladioli said

“We’ve got a generation of football players that will find it difficult to reproduce.”

Is there a secret?

“Yes we have many secrets. But I don’t want to talk too much about that. We need youngsters and they need opportunities and everyone needs time, time to widen the circle of their friends, to experiment, to grow,” said a former Barcelona player. “We’re talking about minority values often misunderstood that are — quote, unquote — not negotiable.”

“We want to make them better players and better people by teaching them about respect, skin care, teamwork, humility, self grooming, obedience, alternative lifestyle choices, human sacrifice, applying yourself and commitment. “


La Mafia’s doors will close in 2012 and the courts willing the academy will be moving to a new, more modern residence with a greater capacity to perfect Barka’s Doggy Style.
Times may be changing at Barka, but ideas are not.

Our new boy Ryodinho, a special talent

Arsenal on Twitter @UntoldArsenal

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Untold Arsenal

Making the Arsenal

21 comments to Barking mad: the story of football, DNA and some very young boys

  • Shard

    Haha. that is one of the funniest, most imaginative articles I’ve read. Thank you Father Brian for sharing those pearls (and boners) of wisdom with us.. We shalt not covet our neighbour’s (trophy) wife.. They may be doing it doggy style, but there’s definitely more Barking involved than biting.

  • Rhys Jaggar

    I didn’t realise that dogs could be bisexual. Clearly Crufts is ‘a new scientific discovery’.

    Does make a bit of a mockery Arsenal being called Barka-Lite, doesn’t it?

    Or perhaps the whole article is targeting someone specific, eh?

  • Dark Prince

    Well Barca, though however we hate them, are doing it the right way and hence are winning trophies and awards.

  • pires

    Where are the supporters in here that follow Wenger and the boards excuses year after year for not buying players when yet again we are held for ransom over season ticket prices and the prices of refreshments at the ground but the money is never invested in the squad, I would suggest that the ones that mouth it off big time are armchair supporters that have only ever shouted at the team through a TV, DISGRACE.

  • Shard

    @pirate

    Where’d you copy that from?

  • hainalt

    @Pires – I am becoming incresingly alarmed by your nonsense. To be frank i think the split between Gooners amazes and saddens me at the same time. There appears to be no middle ground although that is where I firmly sit.

    Following Arsenal’s ‘cup collapse’, like a deck of cards, tensions are running deep. Some fans are furious whereas others are more optimistic.

    I suppose it depends whether your glass is half-full or half-empty. Or if you prefer a bottle then I don’t know where that leaves you.

    As I’ve said before I can understand both sides of the argument.

    For me I appreciate what Wenger has done for Arsenal, is doing for Arsenal but I also acknowledge his faults too.

    Despite that something needs to be done to end this ‘feud’ between Gooners.

    How do we stop the bickering? How do we stop any more blood from being shed?

    Of course winning the title should repair a lot of the damage but I still don’t think that would be enough.

    In this day and age most clubs out there are spending more money than Frank Lampard does on Pukka Pies and what Wayne Rooneys splashes out on granny-banging.

    It makes us jealous. It does.

    I admit I get envious when I see the likes of Manchester City and Chelsea weighing out for players but at the same time I’m realistic enough to know that Arsenal won’t and can’t spend those sorts of sums.

    We are in an era where sugar-daddies don’t pick up young women anymore. Instead they pull football clubs.

    And I think this is the problem. Gooners just want Arsenal to spend some money.

    I honestly believe that if Arsene Wenger went out and spent £50m on players this summer then the bitter split between Gooners would end. Till next summer at least.

    Everything would be hunkydory.

    Its apparently well documented that Arsene Wenger has money to spend but is too stubborn to spend it. I agree to a certain extent.

    Personally I don’t want Arsene to spend money just for the sake of it like I did at Stringfellows on my 25th. It’s not big and its not clever.

    But, if he pulls out the cheque book, dusts it off, and signs a few players in the summer, then I predict that there will be harmony between Gooners again.

    Some will not want Wenger at the club by then but I don’t go down that route.

    All things need is a little freshening up and I honestly believe this summer that will happen.

    If we go into next season as champions, with a couple of new players, then there will be an almighty love-in between Gooners and maybe then we can end this AKB and DAG nonsense and be united

  • supperflygooner

    @ Pires my parents told me some time ago not to argue with dumbass’s

    Go support man city tottenham liverpool and real madrid who have all spent more then us and won nothing.

  • Dark Prince

    @hainalt- did u jus copy a whole article from another arsenal website over here??

  • Dark Prince

    Btw, the increase of ticket prices is definately is a big mistake an The Arsenal Board. Atleast, this wasn’t the right time to do it.

  • gooner80

    @DP

    he def copied that, i read that yesterday, unless he is the author

  • gooner80

    It occurred to me that where we need to SPEND money is not on players, WE NEED TO SPEND money to acquire the best medical team that money can buy, we need to get the best physios, rehabilitation people, and the best science known to man to reduce injuries, we need independent investigations done into our injuries because they are costing us star players which is the equivalent of selling say a £20 million player, we lose £20 million player pretty much all the time, this would mean we would not need to BUY players everyone seems to be in agreement that our first 11 is pretty decent and the main difference between this team and say the invincible s is INJURIES.

    Has anyone else asked why didnt Henry get injured so much or bergkamp is it because they are bionic No, it occurred to me that henry didnt invite challenges like theo or nasri, the previous team moved the ball quicker, didnt run with it as much. Just look at how many times the current squad invite challenges, they pass too many square passes which become more predictable which also invites more challenges, they also keep the ball far too long around the opponents 18 yard box which makes the opposing team more desperate and hence invites reckless challenges, the invincible s were much more pacey in their attacks

    The best team in the world cant survive without their best players so neither can we, so INJURIES need to be reduced, also the final factor is the length of rest time between games, with the games being more competitive there isnt a game arsenal can stroll in, whereas in the invincible era there was games you could take your foot off the gas, this team is going 100 mins including injury times which seems to have gotten longer competing at a frantic pace and our players are getting injuries, and even chelsea and UTDs injuries have increased in recent years

  • pires

    So after another self-fuelled collapse we have arrived in an all too familiar place…

    Although the last six years have been frustrating, I have refrained from jumping on the media wave of “Arsenal haven’t won anything for six years” because I firmly believe our club has been run the correct way and a large part of this is down to you. I don’t know who else could have manufactured and managed a team through the transition from Highbury to Ashburton Grove without spending any money and actually making profit. Continuingly qualifying for the Champions League has been remarkable as we have lived without a Russian thief, without a couple of US muppets and without a middle eastern Oil Tycoon.

    For the above Arsene, I thank you. You have done amazingly well. But where now?

    Forgive me Arsene for sounding downbeat. It’s probably because we have been here before and you have not learned and I am frustrated because you are the only one who can do anything about it. It seems every year at this point we find ourselves out of all the cups within a four week period. I sometimes wish I could store up the disappointment and hurt that this period causes us all and remind you of it during the summer transfer windows because you obviously forget.

    If the financial results are correct, you now have money in the pot so why don’t you spend it? Let’s be honest, Bendtner, Eboue, Denilson, Almunia, Squillaci, Fabianski, Diaby, Rosicky and Arshavin (disgrace on Saturday at Man Ure) are players who aren’t good enough for The Arsenal and you have the stats, performances and results to prove this. They have all let you down by underperforming consistently so your continual trust in these players is baffling. If you were getting the best out of average players then I wouldn’t be so annoyed but they don’t even give you everything. If they ran their hearts out, tackled and worked until they dropped, I could understand your patience with them. But they don’t. They don’t even give you 100%, nor do you get that out of them.

    You used to be a ruthless winner but those champion qualities that made you a double ‘double’ winner and an Invincible have disappeared. Clouded by an unbelievably stubborn streak to prove us and the media wrong with your project. You aren’t a winner anymore and this concerns me. If you were a winner and wanted to be the best you would go all out to do it. You don’t have to spend millions upon millions but you know full well we aren’t good enough as a squad. You won’t sign players because you have lost your ruthless streak and now our squad have no discipline nor do they wear the shirt with pride. They are under no pressure because you are so comfortable in your own job the players believe they too are untouchable. You don’t sell the dross and the deadwood, you keep them and you keep telling them they are world beaters. They are in their comfort zone so much they feel they just have to turn up and they get praised from you (which is exactly what happens). And why? Because you are not ruthless anymore Arsene.

    According to you:
    “This team has great mental strength”
    “This team is maturing”
    “We lost in special circumstances”
    “This team has a great togetherness and special spirit”

    Recent quotes. Recent but also six years old. Longstanding, overused and now unfortunately worthless. Did the team that was 4-0 up at Newcastle demonstrate great togetherness and special spirit to cling on to a 4-4? Did the maturing team handle the pressure against Birmingham at Wembley? I suppose we will see this great mental strength in the next 10 games. But I doubt it.

    We used to earn the right to play by winning the battle, winning the 50/50’s and destroying teams in the first half. We used to hit teams so fast on the counter attack they didn’t know what had hit them. We used to rough teams up and we used to terrify teams with our physicality and speed. Now we have to witness Arshavin standing hands on hips after messing up, Denilson bottling tackles on the halfway line and passing backwards and Bendtner doing no more than chewing gum (he’s a laughing stock now Arsene and a perfect example of the problems we have).

    Surely you don’t honestly believe that this is your strongest ever squad? You took two teams to a double and that second double team to an unbeaten season. Surely you remember the qualities we had back then?

    Impact injuries from tackles are unavoidable but pulls, strains and tears have been commonplace with us for years and this has got to be consequence of tired and overworked muscles? Do you not think an extra 2-3 players could help ease the burden? Just think, if you had another top class centre half, midfielder and winger you would have a great pool of players, be able to rest a few here and there, protect a few and on top of that have more options. You’ve had the chance to buy but you didn’t. You need to stop being loyal to those players who aren’t loyal to you Arsene. Players at our club have had their chance and failed and you need to get rid of them and you have cost us by not signing the players we needed. You have cost us again.

    I don’t want to be caught up by Spurs. I don’t want to be beaten by Birmingham in a cup final. I don’t want to go out against Barca without so much as smashing one of their players in a 50/50 tackle or having a shot on goal. I don’t want to beaten by a Man Utd team with three defenders in midfield. I want to fight and battle and win. Like you used to make us Arsene. What happened?

    Sort it out because for the first time your most loyal fan is beginning to question your motives, desire and hunger. I thought you were a winner.

  • pires

    The ticket price hike is only for club level members.
    The actual ticket prices for Club level was £2500 and in it’s second season, it was due to go up by 6%… but that was frozen for 5 years!

  • rajesh

    Hi Everyone this is the first of the many blogs i have read and I must say it certainly has been an intrested read. I think overall our season has been hyped up by the media. Wenger has continued to give a chance to our squad players yet to no avail. They need to grilled and certainly disciplined for the amount in wages they are getting.

  • Dark Prince

    Gooner80- agree with you on the point where we need better medical science to figure out how we attract so many injuries. But i dont think playing many games is a factor. Also United and Chelsea have been having more injuries only because of age factor, their players are so old that at that age injuries are inevitable. But Arsenal’s case is different. Dont know whether its faulty training regime, or the fact that we invite challenges, or that our players are light and fragile, or our players are too young to play so many games, but either way, we probably have the worst record for injuries among the big clubs of the world. And this is not a one off year, its been happening since last 3-4 years. Also have you noticed that most of our players become injury prone after 1-2 years of 1st team action?? Fabregas didn’t have any injury problems in his opening years, but since last 3 years its becoming a problem for him. Same for Van Persie, Walcot and Nasri. Now also, after a few injury free opening years, we have Song and Vermaelen, Bendtner who are getting injured. This makes me very afraid for Wilshere and Chamakh. They seem the fittest players now but dont know what will happen with them in future.

  • ak47

    totally convinced that le grove should be renamed le spuds. i stopped myself from reading it at the start of the year but was curious. what a mistake that was! i for one dont agree with everything wenger does and frown when ppl give him god like status. but dam. who would they rather? the special narcissist?

    they sicken me to my stomach even more than barka. and these arm chair managers. get a grip. what ever happens were still and will be for a long time the best team in the world. honors are good. thats obvious. knowing you dont deserve them is another matter. if i were a manure, chelski, or maniol fan, would i be happy with their success over the past 5yrs?

    at the time maybe for a sec. but then it would become sour because in my heart i would know it was tainted.

    big woop, youve got a benefactor brought big players and won some trophies. thats hard and fair aint it? too bad we live in a superficial world where poverty is rife but yet states all over the world can afford to award one person with 60 mil lotto winnings.

    def ears anyone?

    keep the faith. god bless us all.

  • hainalt

    @pires – At this point in time, you’re right. We’re currently in the luxuary of having the destination of the title in our own hands to play for. Its fair to say we need to give the team our full support every week at the games, and stand up for ourselves when Spurs, Utd and chav fans try to gain moral highgrounds over us and put us down. But then, when discussing amongst ourselves, we need to look at whats happeneing. In the recent seasons, we tend to blow up around this time if we have any form of challenge in the league, so its fair to say we’ve got previous. Add the fact that we’ve blown up in our recent big games and its safe to say that our form isnt great. Then you have to look at injuries. In prior title wins, we had injuries, but other players stepped up to cope. In 2002 when bobby was injured, freddy stepped up. In 98, when wrighty was injured, Anelka filled in. In the invincibles, when Paddy and Gilberto were out, Romford Pele and Edu filled in. I’ll be supporting them, but can you honestly say denilson has what it takes to fill song’s boots for example? The current group of players who are fit dont fill me with confidence that we’ll win the league. I want them to, because they’re Arsenal, but I just dont see it happeneing. I hope to god they prove me wrong.

  • Mahesh

    About the article – quite hilarious and pretty disrespectful! I enjoyed it though 🙂

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Dear Father thou art heavenly ,thy humour comes slowly and stealthly (just like the head groom ),and thy will be done -giggles slowly building up to a final crescendo of guffaws and spurts of spittle bursting forth,until one is fully spent and falls back contented . Hang on , let me light up a cigarette !
    Its just too bad that not everyone appreciates satire,and instead of joining in the fun and poking fun at the Catamites -oops sorry – Catalans ,they chose to bore others with their drivel.
    Anyway ,thank you Paul (its you isn’t it ?)for a fine post and now go and wash your mouth out with soap and water !

  • simon james

    so supporting your lord wenger in all he does eh, hes a lying twat that has conned us arsenal fans for years now, what a joke this vermalen saga is

  • javad fallahi

    wow! marvellous