2012/13 month by month. Every main story before it happens.

By our resident astrologer, Gypsy “The Dog” McGraw

August: Having failed to resolve the issue of who the Old Rangers players were contracted to, the New Rangers start life in the 3rd Division of the Scottish League with a new team made up of loanees from Arsenal’s youth and reserve teams.  They win the first match against Elgin 19-0.  Following racist chanting at a match between Croatia and Ukraine, Uefa fines Belgium 12 million euros for reasons which are not clear at this point.  Wembley FC win their FA Cup extra preliminary round match against FC North Circular Road with goals from Parlour and Keown.  Simon Breivik, Head of Sports Science at PGMOL, announces that following extensive research he has found that a player cannot score from an offside position if he died more than 20 years before the match kicked off.

September: In the face of Untold’s unprecedented analysis of referee performance in 2011/12 the PGMOL (the shadowy organisation that runs Premier Ref affairs) announces its own figures showing that referees decisions are correct 103% of the time.  The press carry the story suggesting that “this should stop the moaning minnies on the terraces”.  Wembley FC win their opening two FA Cup preliminary round matches against Boreham Stiff and FC Spaghetti Junction with goals from Parlour and Keown.  The entire presentation staff of “Talk Sport” (a radio station) are arrested by police on the grounds that they are “rather unpleasant”.

October:  Sam Allerdyce says he doesn’t understand what West Ham fans want after criticism of him from various blogs as the club gets its first victory of the season (a 1-0) following four 0-0 draws.   The AAA demands Arsenal sack their manager after the club’s first dropped points of the season in an 8-8 draw.  “Our defence is a joke,” say several AAA posts.   Blackburn’s future looks a little brighter in the Championship after the manager replaces the regular team with one made up of chickens for the game against Bolton.   A Black Tropoja Lekbibaj from Albania prods home the ball to score the winning goal in the match against Brighton and Hove Albion to lift Blackburn off the foot of the table.  Wembley FC win their three FA Cup preliminary round matches against Stuffit up the Wold, Forensic Civil Service FC and Old Ruffosians with goals from Parlour and Keown.

November: After a poor start to the season Tottenham sack their manager.   Following a commentary in Untold which compares Tottenham’s record of managers with Arsenal’s a number of Tottenham supporters write to Untold claiming that the blog is fixated on Tottenham.  Rangers beat the UK goal scoring record by beating East Stirling 44-0.  After life is discovered on Dione – a moon of Saturn – Bury FC reveal that they have had an approach from the owners of the tiny satellite concerning the possibility of a takeover.  Wembley FC win their 1st round FA Cup match against Notts C with goals from Parlour and Keown.  The BBC finally admits that the people who call “606” on Radio 5 are actually unemployed actors who have failed in auditions for Strictly Come Paper Folding.  Mike Riley (the man who decides which referees will officiate at EPL games) defends his decision to employ a mongoose to oversee a match at Wigan.  “Mongeese are misunderstood creatures who have had a bad press,” he announces, saying that the PGMOL will experiment with other small carnivorans from southern Eurasia in forthcoming matches.

December:  The “Said and Done” column in the Observer once again wins the “We knew we could rely on you” award from journalists who are relieved as always that the column focusses on the silly things players and managers say, rather than the downright lunatic stuff that journalists say.  East Stirling protest at the result against Rangers on the grounds that the referee lost count.  A re-match is demanded.  After a poor first half of the season Nottingham Forest look for a new manager.  Harry Redknapp is rumoured in the press to be “the fans’ favourite” for the post.  Wembley FC win their 2nd round FA Cup match against Brentford with goals from Parlour and Keown.

January:  Sir Alex denies rumours that he is thinking of retiring after it turns out that one of the players he bought in the summer is not, after all, Fiji’s leading goal scorer of all time, but is actually the 44 year old son of a Norwegian fishing boat owner who had mistakenly turned left instead of right when leaving the fjord last summer.  Having interviewed Harry Redknapp Nottingham Forest appoint the ghost of Brian Clough.  Wembley FC win their 3rd round FA Cup match against Tottenham and 4th round match against Man City with goals from Parlour and Keown.

February: Following a month of frantic spending on players by  Chelsea, Man City, PSG, Malaga,  Vitesse, Zenit St. Petersburg, Juventus, Getafe, Real Santander, TSG 1899 Hoffenheim, Spartak Moscow, Dinamo Moscow, Lokomotiv Moscow, FC Metalist Kharkiv, and Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk,in which  all pass their own transfer records, Uefa refuse to concede the FFP is not having any effect.  “It could have been worse,” says someone we’ve never previously heard of.  PGMOL announce new figures that show referee accuracy ratings up to 109%.  “We are committed to improvement all the way,” says the shadowy organisation.  Wembley FC win their 5th round FA Cup match against Liverpool with goals from Parlour and Keown.

March:  John Terry’s nanny is arrested for suspected child trafficking.     Sam Allerdyce refuses to answer criticism from the press after it takes four minutes for the three-man WHU medical team to remove themselves and equipment from the pitch after giving a West Ham player treatment on the pitch for six minutes.  It is later discovered the player had a slight tickle on the little finger of his left hand.    WHU draw the game 0-0.  Sam Allerdyce is dismissed as WHU manager.  “I can’t understand what these fans want,” he says.  Wembley FC win their 6th round FA Cup match against Everton with goals from Parlour and Keown.

April: Untold hits 1 million visits in a month, and receives its 1000th comment that contains the line, “If you are going to write an article about this you should check your facts first.”   Chelsea, Man City, PSG, Malaga,  Vitesse, Zenit St. Petersburg, Juventus, Getafe, Real Santander, TSG 1899 Hoffenheim, Spartak Moscow, Dinamo Moscow, Lokomotiv Moscow, FC Metalist Kharkiv, and Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk, all sack their managers following worse than expected results. Wembley FC win their FA Cup semi-final against Chelsea with goals from Parlour and Keown.

May: After a poor season, Tottenham sack their manager.  Harry Redknapp tops the journalists’ list of possible candidates and is named as “the fans’ favourite”.  Rangers win the Scottish Third Division having played 36, won 36, scored 792 goals, let in 0 goals.  In the Cup Final Wembley FC finally lose an exciting match 3-2 to Arsenal.  Wembley’s goals are scored by Parlour and Keown.  The AAA call for Mr Wenger to leave.  “Our defence is a joke” says a man who calls “606” on Radio 5 in the mistaken belief that it is a programme that debates football.

• It’s Patrick Vieira’s birthday
• The last ref review: Wigan 4 Newcastle 0.  Now for the fun
• Ray Parlour and Martin Keown will play in the FA Cup this season
• Uefa is racist and by association so is the FA