Arsenal prepare to play Satan’s own team.

Billy the Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington, looks forward to another exciting encounter.

Interview by Dennis Bergkamp

Translation by Iva Goodidea of Whatsgoingon

Birmingham City FC are the official team of Satan, the Devil, the Horned Beast, Beelzebub.

They were founded as Small Heath Alliance and Leicester Building Society in 1875 and then losted again, and then founded again in Muntz Street where they had fallen out of someone’s pocket.  The club turned professional in 1885 and then signed a pact with the Prince of Darkness the following season.

They changed their name to Carnal Beast Football Club in 1905, and moved into their new ground at the The Adamantine Gates of Hell, which became known as St Andrew’s, the following year,

The club’s current name of Birmingham City F.C. was adopted in 1943 after objections from the Church of England, but the underlying ethos of the club remained.  Just as Celtic are the Catholic Church on grass, so Birmingham City represent the Prince of Darkness at play.

Birmingham achieved their highest league finish of sixth place once, but it was a while back and no one remembers.  They also played in a Cup Final, where they caused consternation by digging up the pitch and burying themselves and most of their fans, as well as breaking the neck of at least one of their players.  They did once win the Diddly Widdly Cup by beating their close allies and fellow worshipers, Aston Diabolical, by one cloven hoof to nil.

In July 2007, Hong Kong-based businessman Carson Yeung bought 29.9% of the Evil Empire from the pornographers who now own West Ham – a suitable change for everyone.  Steve Bruce did the decent thing and got out.

In February 2008 the true nature of the Satanic development of a football club was seen when the beast, in the form of Martin Taylor, attacked and nearly destroyed Eduardo.   The Curse of Arsenal was then put on the club, and as a direct result of this the club slipped from mid table obscurity into relegation, several directors were arrested and charged with financial irregularities and one director was charged with sexual offences.  Nothing was proven and charges were withdrawn, but it was a troublesome 18 months – which is the maximum amount of time a Curse is allowed to last.

The pornographers left, but they are now all suing the Prince of Darkness for the costs and expenses of boxes, mobile phones, mirrors, garlic and wooden stakes.

The teams

Birmingham Satanic Majesty…


Prince Darkness, Evil One, Horned Beast, Lucifer

Cloven Hoof, De’ath, Bottomless Pit, Old Nick

Shawcross (on loan), Taylor

Subs: Prince of Pandemonium, Belial, Mephistopheles, Old Harry, Angel of the Pit, Mr Scratch.

The Mighty Arsenal, Gods of the Eternal World, Bearers of the Truth, Almighty Guardians of the Greater Good, Destroyers of Evil, Creators of Eternity…


Sagna, Campbell, Song, Clichy

Cesc, Denilson, Diaby

Nasri, Bendtner, Arshavin

Substitutes: The-o, Rosicky, Eduardo, Silvestre, Eboue, Vela, Fabiansky, Merida

The result

As we know good always triumphs over evil, and so we will expect a solid 1-6 victory to Arsenal.  In an extraordinary turn of events, Wilshere, who is playing for Bolton, comes on as a ghost and scores four.  Bendtner scores one with his knee, one with his left hip, one with his right hip, one with his nose, one with his backside.   Wenger scores two while doing a jig celebrating an earlier goal.  Birmingham’s goal comes when a large pit opens up in the centre circle and out crawl 2000 vampires who are quickly beaten to the ground by Eduardo, who has garlic around his neck just in case.

So by and large a fairly normal game – just another day in the life of Arsenal.

(c) The forces of goonerness and light 2010


More exciting and wonderfully brilliant things

Making the Arsenal – the story in which Arsenal really did meet the forces of evil, and defeat them

22 Replies to “Arsenal prepare to play Satan’s own team.”

  1. Extra-ordinary! Tony, could you please ask TFoGaL, he predicted 1 – 6, yet he had Arsenal scoring a total of almost double that figure through Wilshere, Bendtner & Wenger himself. What happens to the remaining five; or did Arsenal give those away to charity?

  2. Bendtner is a big doubt.. so mostly its eduardo to manifest retribution.. Billy the Dog sounds less like himself as the blogs go by.. Prince of Darkness- Lol! thats too cool a name for the Brummies.. they are a mediocre team with a surprisingly decent manager thats all!

  3. 1-6!!!! Are you mad, aren’t you?? Birmingham only LOST 2 home game and CONCEDED ONLY 10 GOALS(at home)!!!

  4. Pure genius. The-o!

    I would love to see AW get a few goals himself. According to some YouTube vids, he evidently still has game!

  5. Shades of Edgar Allen Poe and that old Nike commercial [starring Eric Cantona].Shawcross was an inspired selection- some garlic in his eyes please
    Eduardo .Better cut a few trees to make those stakes for the vampires. By
    the way ,whatever happened to that mecurial Transylvanian ,Dracula ? Or doesn’t he count ?
    Another thing Tony , why doesn’t Billy comment on your regular posts ? Are you censoring /witholding his views ? And what does his avatar look like ?
    These thoughts keep me up most nights.

  6. You shall burn for this, heretics! Satan’s own team is obviously managed by the Purple One.

  7. If I remember Eduardo, if I remember the way Theo was kicked off for a few weeks this season, if I remember that horrible tackle at the corner flag this season which took the assistent out but not the (Wigan?) player who could just jump up to save his legs….. this really is the team of the dark and evil empire.

    We will need a ref who lets them know that he wont tolerate those wild tackles from the first minute. I can dream, can I?

  8. Just on the issue of Bendtner being injured – that is a Daily Mirror story that I don’t believe is reflected in reality. I think they have been running it to try and avoid noticing the fact they were conned by the Sun in terms of the Arshavin story. There’s an update link on the home page of the site which covers injuries and I try to update it every day taking into account what the Lord Wenger says or what turns up from trustworthy sources, and there the story is that Bendtner has an ankle problem but it should be ok.

    I would rather like Arshavin to score and then instead of putting one finger to his lips put the other finger across the first in order to ward off the evil beings.

  9. Actually there is one more thing to add.

    Each day the site is bombarded with spam from firms that use auto email senders with the aim of getting their web site URL printed in billions of places, and so going up the rankings.

    These people write generic emails which could possibly be valid for your average web site, and I write little programs that stop them getting in.

    In the rubbish posts that turned up in relation to the above article was this one, which really made me laugh, considering the context above

    “I am a student and i found your information on the site very useful for my study, Please keep it up.”

    So, another student at the University of Certain Things then.

  10. LOL

    Funny story of the day from reading the paper with the Rice Krispies:

    A Man City luminary, mindful of good relations with members of the Trade Association, expelled a multimillionaire EFC guest from the Directors Box at CMS after he laughed at the EFC fans singing: ‘Two nil and we spent fuck all!’

    Following furious denials from the MCFC CEO, who is fearful for his transfer budget after the multimillionaire threatened to dish the dirty to his Arab employers if he didn’t get on his knees, call his minion a moron and summarily expel him into the wilds of East Manchester, it is expected that this contagion may spread to away grounds as fans, eager for new taunting chants, take up the baton in the coming weeks.

    The EFC would-be part-owner, possessor of a £500m fortune which may dwindle significantly if commercial property goes tits up, could not be contacted in his Swiss ski resort hideaway but did say: ‘It’s a shame that all that money bought out their sense of humour!’

  11. Surely there is a place in the Brum for the old adversary of light that is Lee Bowyer. He would get into any Devilish team in his prime!
    Arshavin will wield the baton of philosophy and the halo around Theo (God)will be so bright as to illuminate even the ninth circle of this inferno as the returning son Eduardo strikes the killer blow.Amen.

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