Billy the Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, Islington, looks forward to another exciting encounter.
Interview by Dennis Bergkamp
Translation by Iva Goodidea of Whatsgoingon
Birmingham City FC are the official team of Satan, the Devil, the Horned Beast, Beelzebub.
They were founded as Small Heath Alliance and Leicester Building Society in 1875 and then losted again, and then founded again in Muntz Street where they had fallen out of someone’s pocket. The club turned professional in 1885 and then signed a pact with the Prince of Darkness the following season.
They changed their name to Carnal Beast Football Club in 1905, and moved into their new ground at the The Adamantine Gates of Hell, which became known as St Andrew’s, the following year,
The club’s current name of Birmingham City F.C. was adopted in 1943 after objections from the Church of England, but the underlying ethos of the club remained. Just as Celtic are the Catholic Church on grass, so Birmingham City represent the Prince of Darkness at play.
Birmingham achieved their highest league finish of sixth place once, but it was a while back and no one remembers. They also played in a Cup Final, where they caused consternation by digging up the pitch and burying themselves and most of their fans, as well as breaking the neck of at least one of their players. They did once win the Diddly Widdly Cup by beating their close allies and fellow worshipers, Aston Diabolical, by one cloven hoof to nil.
In July 2007, Hong Kong-based businessman Carson Yeung bought 29.9% of the Evil Empire from the pornographers who now own West Ham – a suitable change for everyone. Steve Bruce did the decent thing and got out.
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In February 2008 the true nature of the Satanic development of a football club was seen when the beast, in the form of Martin Taylor, attacked and nearly destroyed Eduardo. The Curse of Arsenal was then put on the club, and as a direct result of this the club slipped from mid table obscurity into relegation, several directors were arrested and charged with financial irregularities and one director was charged with sexual offences. Nothing was proven and charges were withdrawn, but it was a troublesome 18 months – which is the maximum amount of time a Curse is allowed to last.
The pornographers left, but they are now all suing the Prince of Darkness for the costs and expenses of boxes, mobile phones, mirrors, garlic and wooden stakes.
Birmingham Satanic Majesty…
Prince Darkness, Evil One, Horned Beast, Lucifer
Cloven Hoof, De’ath, Bottomless Pit, Old Nick
Shawcross (on loan), Taylor
Subs: Prince of Pandemonium, Belial, Mephistopheles, Old Harry, Angel of the Pit, Mr Scratch.
The Mighty Arsenal, Gods of the Eternal World, Bearers of the Truth, Almighty Guardians of the Greater Good, Destroyers of Evil, Creators of Eternity…
Sagna, Campbell, Song, Clichy
Cesc, Denilson, Diaby
Nasri, Bendtner, Arshavin
Substitutes: The-o, Rosicky, Eduardo, Silvestre, Eboue, Vela, Fabiansky, Merida
As we know good always triumphs over evil, and so we will expect a solid 1-6 victory to Arsenal. In an extraordinary turn of events, Wilshere, who is playing for Bolton, comes on as a ghost and scores four. Bendtner scores one with his knee, one with his left hip, one with his right hip, one with his nose, one with his backside. Wenger scores two while doing a jig celebrating an earlier goal. Birmingham’s goal comes when a large pit opens up in the centre circle and out crawl 2000 vampires who are quickly beaten to the ground by Eduardo, who has garlic around his neck just in case.
So by and large a fairly normal game – just another day in the life of Arsenal.
(c) The forces of goonerness and light 2010
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Making the Arsenal – the story in which Arsenal really did meet the forces of evil, and defeat them