By Billy “The Dog” McGraw
“Footballers, like measles, should be caught young”, Sandro Rosell.
It was one of the most amazing moments in football that the world has ever seen. Cesc Fábregas, champion of the universe, master of his destiny, prophet to the masses, and player of the year in the Sidereal Daily Mentioner, descended from the Barca President’s own private plane (courtesy of easysludge airline corp) and stood on the tarmac waving to the millions of the deranged.
And he smiled.
What was curious was that just at that same moment 10,000 Arsenal fans were cheering Cesc at his training session on the Ems open day.
How could this be?
The fact is that Arsène Wenger, the manager of Arsenal (one of only three clubs to play in the Champs League for 10 years on the run), had just pulled off one of the most amazing coups of all time. Arsenal have sold Barca a clone.
The cloning of footballers is of course not new. Half the Tottenham managers of the past ten years were actually cloned from Dolly the Sheep, but this is the first time a world cup winner has been cloned in this way.
However already many of the Anti-Arsenal Arsenal sites are smelling a rat, although mostly this is the guy sitting at the keyboard. “It’s the eyes,” said Le Parc Drayton in a daily rant which then went on to note the worldwide benefits that arise from treating alcohol as a high nutrition food compound.
“They got it the wrong way round,” screamed the Rant. “We got the clone. Wenger makes a balls up! Does he think we are that gullible? God this is crap,” and much of the world agreed with the final statement.
But there was triumph on the faces at the Ems. The development of the clone, which had taken all of Monday afternoon to create, was described by Ourman Onthespot as “the key piece of his jigsaw interlocking with the rest of the cardboard on the table top” and who are we to argue?
“We can look ahead with optimism to the new season,” said a woman in Gillespie Road before stupidly eating a Botulism in a Bun special being sold outside the Toppled Bollard (half price love, only cooked three days ago).
“Of course we are sad to see our clone Fábregas go to Foreign Parts,” said the Duke of Devonshire, who oversaw the whole scheme, “but it will blow a hole in the plans of the League of Spain to float itself off the mainland and into an independent state to be known as Atlantis.” Medics arrived soon after.
Yet there are problems. The Clone Cesc has a slightly strange way of running, rather like a train emerging out of a tunnel backwards after a bad day in the office. He also seems to have a hearing problem, regularly complaining about the noise the grass is making as it goes about its daily business of growing and turning green. There are also some issues with his looks, with some experts comparing the clone to a chrysanthemum on heat.
Arsenal accepted a bid of £29m from Barcelona on 1 June for the clone, but the truth of the story was kept from their fans and from El Presidente and that weather forecaster they have on the local Barca TV channel who pops up and says “scorchio” every five minutes.
The deal has been described as being of “Cristiano Ronaldo proportions” – in that if neither of the clone’s legs fall off during the first half of the season Barca will then have to pay £80m in monopoly money to Arsenal just to ensure that Arsenal never breath a word of it. (We’re allowed to report on this because no one believes a word I write anyway.)
So as the weeks have ticked by towards the new season, and the clock goes up, while the stall holders get out their Salmonella on a Stick up and down St Thomas’ ready for the meeting with the Pool of Blackness for the first home game, Wenger’s men have pulled it off once again.
Nobody can question Barca’s bankruptcy, their ability to lie, the moral desert in which they operate, and their downright stupidity in getting to a state where they can’t even pay their own players, but for most observers this takes the biscuit, the hamburger and the cake. Also, Fábregas’s love for a joke and his wholehearted endeavour to undermine the Barca club that treated him so badly when he was 16 cannot be overestimated.
Meanwhile across the border in No-Man’s-Land Dolly the Sheep reported back for pre-season training, after an extended summer break for re-engineering following exertions. She trained with team-mates and ate the grass. “We are going to win everything,” said her trainer, Appy Arry Headcase.
Acknowledging that Arsenal had pulled off yet another coup with the transfer of the clone, Arry announced that they have under development clones of Xavi, Carles Puyol, Lionel Messi and Andrés Iniesta and most of these will be announced as late transfer window arrivals at the Black Sheep of the Family Avenue club.
Mercifully, though, the summer saga is now at an end. Barcelona have got their man and claim Fábregas is now not just with them in cloneness but also in “will”. His clonidity will be paraded across the city this afternoon.
Meanwhile Wenger is taking a look at Montpellier’s Bosnian international Emir Spahic. “We’re just checking his DNA,” said his Lordship.
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