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November 2019
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Rising lake levels and vampires put Arsenal’s friendly in doubt

This is overseas week on Untold Arsenal. Walter Broeckx is in Spain covering “Cesc Week” and here is Billy’s piece on tonight’s game in Austria. . Unfortunately transmission lines across the ocean are not what they might be and Walter’s article wasn’t listed yesterday on Goonernews, so if you rely on that august publication, you […]

The long hot summer is over

By Walter Broeckx

Two months we have been waiting

That long hot summer did not seem to pass

Very slowly the hours and the days went along

But finally here it is: we are back playing football again.

The days were long

The papers full off […]

What’s going to happen in the coming season? The answer before we start (it’s hardly worth going is it?)

By Billy The Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard and Rampager of the Northern Hordes.

Continuing the unique and specialised services offered to you by Untold, and having indulged in a bottle of apple and mango juice to celebrate the new season, I present my first column of the 2010/11: to wit and viz, […]

Why Le Grub should follow the lead of the Earl of Sidcup

By Emperor Tony Attwood

It’s now coming up to three years since Untold started its message of peace, joy, economic sanity and devotion to the philosophy and methodology of Arsène Wenger.

During that same time one or two people living in that dark and evil backwater of London known as Grub Street have gathered occasionally […]

Fans attack England HQ and reveal details of sex and money dilemma

by billy the dog mcgraw, our man without capitals

A crowd of about 25,000 angry football fans stormed the FA’s multi-million pound luxury residence in Cape Town last night in a spontaneous expression of frustration and drunkenness.

Once entry was gained to the complex doors were ripped off hinges and files were opened. The resulting […]

Blackburn Rovers. The source of much of the evil that inflicts football today

———————— Today’s Sponsor: Making the Arsenal: historical fiction on acid

May 1st, 2010 | Category: All Tomorrow's Parties, Arsenal stories, Corruption, Match reviews and previews | 47 comments - (Comments are closed)

The Zen of Arsenal

———————— Today’s Sponsor: Making the Arsenal: historical fiction on acid



Paul Collins

I want to talk about delusion. Delusion is a word with a variety of connotations. Some people would visualize a crazy looking person walking down the street with a funny walk […]

What is a blue moon and who is Sheik Yermoney?

A blue moon arises when a full moon appears twice in one month. It is rather dull really. There are just about 13 full moons in a year and only 12 months, so logically one month is going to get a second one in one month if one sees what one is saying.

Calling it […]

Back to the End of the Universe

Today’s Sponsor: Goonernews Betting Guide

Back to the End of the Universe Peter Hawkins

Like most of you supporters of real football, I was feeling really pissed off by last Sunday tea-time.

“Bugger this!” I thought to myself (nobody else was listening), “I’m going out to see if I can tell […]

Where is Wigan, how do I get there, what’s this pier thing and who is Eddie Waring?

The Romans built a fort at Wigan.

Thus begin all official and unofficial histories of one of England’s least known shanty towns.

The problem for Wigan was that having got there the pesky Romans took a look and immediately buggered off, leaving the village to the even peskier Northumbrians. After 800 […]

New undercover work at the Tiny Totts Training Emporium reveals secret plans for Wednesday’s game

Inside informants at Tottie-Train, the Temporary Tottenham Training Turf have revealed that the Tinies have spent lots of time looking at Arsenal and the way they have consistentlyended up several hundred light years ahead of the Totts year after year.

Of course the Tots have had some success – their […]

Arsenal sign a fish

Today’s Sponsor: is a one-stop shop for all things Arsenal related, from replica kits and retro shirts through to Emirates Stadium tours, memorabilia and novelty items. Visit


Last week we had April Fools Day with all the usual stuff going up on the web sites. Red […]

Within this review is a joke about Wolverhampton. (It’s not very funny)

Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club.

A resume by Billy the Dog McGraw, Landlord of the Toppled Bollard Islington and head of the Republic of Abyssinia.

“The stuffed heads of West Brom supporters on pikes that adorn the walkways of Wolverhampton are bad enough, but what makes it worse is that many still have dark glasses and […]

Welcome to the land of the Pig’s Head

Today’s Sponsor:

Today’s sponsor: is a one-stop shop for all things Arsenal related, from replica kits and retro shirts through to Emirates Stadium tours, memorabilia and novelty items. They even sell “Making the Arsenal”. Visit


Welcome to the land of the Pig’s Head.

A Billy the […]

Arsenal prepare to welcome our friendly friends from the east end


Billy the Dog explores the happy by-ways of East London

Thames Ironworks, whom we play this weekend under their new name of West Porno (the club also known as Wham), have done well over the years, winning the West Ham Charity Cup in 1895 and then becoming Western League Division 1B Champions to the […]

Arsenal v Sunderland: Davy Lamp, Sir Hardly Anyone and a man with one leg

Text of Billy The Dog’s interview with Ino Nothing on BBC Radio 5 previewing the Big Match.


Sunderland is a small village to the north of Hatfield (actually one geography book has it north of Bradford but I don’t think that is possible). The village was invaded by the Vikings in 1227 (just […]

How Wenger Used the Doom and Gloomers to his advantage

I have been interested of late at the way the Anti-Arsenal brigade has been developing its tactics.

In the olden days (ie last year) they would mostly spend their time saying that our players were all leaving just like Flamini and Hleb before them. Cesc was going to Barca and the world would end.

Now […]

Stoke is not in Stoke (and the first ever football blog to try a joke in Latin)

Today’s game is in the FA Cup, or Facup as it is known in the Latin tongue which still dominates the region where Stoke play. As with all nouns in Latin the word “facup” can be conjugated and it is vital to be able to do this properly if wishing to discourse with the locals […]

How to speak Notlobian and what a man in the Isle of Man has to do with this match

Special advanced notice: although much of the commentary consists of mindless gibberish there is a bit of serious stuff part way through, which is all true. You have to guess which bit it is.

Part the First: The Evil Empire

Bolton Wanderers, known as Notlob, make the Evil Empire look like a troupe of ballet […]

Life in Bolton, and other elements of chaos theory

Billy the Dog was not quite in the best of moods or the finest of fettle when I met him on the allotment to discuss the game against the almighty Notlob in the Land of the Fabled Beast.

I started by asking the question everyone asks, “Is there life in Bolton?”

“It doesn’t really matter,” […]

Arsenal v Everton preview unlike any other Arsenal Everton preview. Honest.

Well, hi-de-diddley-do there. Phil’s doing exams, so I’m doing the predictions and stuff. Right, of we go…

High-flying Everton travel to the Emirates aiming to continue their fantastic run in the league. (How am I doing so far?)

The Gunners dropped out of the title race when they slumped to a 3-0 home defeat to […]

West Ham v Arsenal. Score, teams, and what happens afterwards

Warning: contains dead bodies, mild peril, partial nudity, swearing, irony and occasional violence.

“West Ham are in dire straits,” said Billy the Dog, as I approached the allotment and offered him a pint of sweet sherry. “That Mark Knoffler has lost it, the new glacier tax is hitting them hard, and their bid to host […]

How to predict every single Arsenal result correctly and cause the end of civilisation at the same time

By Billy the Dog McGraw, Enfield Allotments, Middlesex.

I have rarely seen my old mate Tony Attwood as close to tears as he was when he approached me this morning on the allotment. I was just nattering to that Dennis Bergkamp who grows carrots next to my plot, when Tony rushed up.

“They’re all arguing […]

Billy the Dog McGraw denies intimate relationship with Tiger Woods. Exclusive!

In a tearful and emotional statement, Billy The Dog McGraw, landlord of the Toppled Bollard, just off Gillespie Road, today denied that he had had any close or passionate relationship with golf master Tiger Woods.

“It is stupid to suggest I could do such a thing,” said Billy over a pint of vodka. “Do I […]

Blaming Holland is like blaming Pink Floyd for Syd Barrett’s death

It was a very subdued Billy the Dog McGraw at the Toppled Bollard public house today as we gathered just beyond our old spiritual home, deliberately drinking in the street, just to annoy the police.

The news had come through about Rob VP, another martyr to the insane stupidity of the international friendly.

I debated […]