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Arsenal make, about to make, should make amazing, audacious, outrageous, ludicrous offer for…

By Tony Attwood

I’ve really tried to make it clear that it is impossible to predict who is going to sign who until the last day or two before the signing is done – and even then we can’t always get it right.

But still the web sites and blogs go on and on as if they can predict who what where and when.   So here’s the list of the most likely candidates for Arsenal to sign.  Which probably means we won’t sign any of them.
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For in the light of recent events Arsenal have now introduced a questionnaire for all players who might sign for the club concerning what they actually need for their birthday – such as how big a cake, how many handshakes, how many candles, what song, what language the song should be in, how many executives should be present for the singing of the song, who should accompany the song, the flavour of the cake, the colour of the cake, the colour of the song, the colour of the birthday, the weather on the birthday, the lead story in the Times on the birthday, the colour of the flames on the candles…
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One simply can’t be too careful these days and Arsenal have made it clear that if they feel they can’t meet the exact requirements of the player in question then they will gracefully withdraw, and sign someone else.
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1. Loic Remy

He’s French, he came from Marseilles for £8m in January 2013 to QPR, he’s 27, and was loaned to Newcastle.  QPR are now of course back in the Premier League so need all the help they can get.  But Arry is the boss and Arry likes deals.   And envelopes.  And the colour brown.

The Daily Mail says that discussions with Liverpool and Arsenal have already taken place, which probably means he will go to Torquay United which will help the club, as they have just been relegated.

According to the Daily Mail, a source close to the Frenchman has revealed that he has already started discussions with Arsenal and Liverpool.

He was seen at the Ems watching Arsenal v WBA.    Arsene Wenger said, “Honestly, I’ve just been informed that Loic Remy was here and I didn’t know, so don’t see any sign of us signing Remy [from that]. I hope he paid for his ticket!”

And don’t we all.  These are tough times and freeloaders are not welcome.

2. Lars Bender

Not to be confused with Nic Bendtner. nor with his twin who plays for Borussia Dortmund. He’s 25, a German midfield international (and we are building a German team, just like we used to have a French team, what with our manager being fluent in both languages).

3: Javi Martínez

He’s 25, he’s with Bayern Munich, can also play defensive midfield and in the centre of defence, and he’s Spanish.  The interest in him is that he has not had that many games this season at Bayern.

4: Wilfried Bony

He is 25, plays for Swansea, and his imminent transfer to us from Swansea was first mooted during the reign of King Alfred the Great, but was put off when Merlin unexpected arrived from the past to put a hex on the whole affair.

He is a striker from Côte d’Ivoire which means that every couple of years we will lose him for the Africa Cup of Nations unless he agrees to become Welsh.

5:  Karim Benzema

The man of the moment in terms of transfer talk.  He is with Real Madrid, is 26, is said to be “admired” by Wenger because some journalist asked him once about Benzema and Mr Wenger said, “he’s very good”.

He is, as of course you know, yet another striker, and has scored 19 goals in 65 games for France.  Why would he leave Real Mad?  Who knows.  But some players do.  Remember?

6: Mario Mandžukić 

Another man from Bayern Munich and another 27 year old, which is age of the month at the moment.

He is Croatian, and we ain’t had one of them for a while and he is a, oh what is it, help me out here, oh, err, a striker. 

He used to play for VfL Wolfsburg but it is said (by whom I don’t know but it is said) that Pep Guardiola doesn’t like the cut of his jib.  .

7: Calum Chambers 

Now here is someone quite different in that he is not from Bayern, but is a player from Southampton and is only 19 but Arsenal are enquiring if he could be 27, just to help the transfer through.

He’s a right back, and with Bac going we need one if you don’t think Jenkinson is good enough.

The problem is that he is not a regular for Southampton, so is unlikely to go straight into the team, and that is what we need, so the AAA would go bananas at a “one for the future” purchase.

The other problem is that as he is 19 he has lots of birthdays due and that could be a problem, what with the cake and everything.

8: Serge Aurier 

Another kiddiewink, Serge comes from Toulouse and is 21, and plays at wow, right back.   He has played seven times for Côte d’Ivoire which again means that every other year we lose him for a month.  Cake information is lacking on this player.

Despite this major failing (vis a vis the cake) reports this Sunday say that the deal is done and his is ON HIS WAY.   Etc etc.

9: Julian Draxler

And so now we drag up last season’s talking point.   He is the attacking midfielder who could replace Ramsey when Ramsey’s  out injured or playing in the Africa Cup of Nations or…  Oh no that’s not right.

He’s 20 which a fair age, he has been injured, and he plays for Schalke 04 who abolished birthdays because they don’t like to be ageist.

10.  James Milner 

Will Manchester City sell players to balance the books in the mode desired by Uefa?  Will Martians arrive in Milton Keynes declare their love of chips?  Who knows.  Milner is 28 and might be willing to head south because he hasn’t got enough games.  But Man City need home grown Champs League players for their heavily depleted squad so might decide to hold onto him

James has played 45 times for England and has not appeared in the Africa Cup of Nations.

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Coming shortly….

The Untold Awards for 2013/14

You know the make sense (or not as the case may be)

32 comments to Arsenal make, about to make, should make amazing, audacious, outrageous, ludicrous offer for…

  • Nick

    Brilliant!!!!!!!!!

  • Mandy Dodd

    Bizarre….all this transfer stuff. Some out there are in panic….as far as I know, the window does not even open until June?
    Some impressive names in that list…..what can it mean….maybe sign Barry, Lampard or Cashley and turn them into a RB or CM?

  • Soglorious

    Tony, a very reliable source told me that Arsenal is ‘eyeing’, ‘sounding out’, ‘competing’ ‘desperate’, ‘bidding’ for any player with above 80 in his FIFA14 rating. Dont ask me who.
    Heaven knows when fans would accept that they know NOTHING about transfers. Fingers crossed till then

  • Shard

    Mandy

    Haven’t you been reading the papers. All those players, plus Rio Ferdinand and Joe Cole, are already lined up by Harry Redknapp. Free transfers but high wages is the way to provide financial stability to QPR. (No seriously, the paper actually said this, or something similar)

  • Mandy Dodd

    Wouldn’t surprise me Shard! Guess he will be in for Scott Parker as well, unless the aaa can convince him to join us.
    On one level was a bit gutted to see Arry back….fortune favours the seriously dodgy and all that, but on another level, should be an easy six points for us, unless the pgmol give an easy ride to another media darling.

  • Mandy Dodd

    Are we still in for Sebastian Frey?

  • Shard

    The presence of Joey Barton means that we’ll be kicked to pieces with nothing done about it. Good thing we have Flamini now though. Just as long as we practice playing with 10 men.

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Transfer talk:—-ready to raid, swoop,double swoop, fresh bid, eying,to buy for just, …target,prepare bid,set to hijack,will move for, make a move for,set to wage battle over,holds meeting with, are chasing,open talks,considering,chasing,being chased,are interested,poised to sign,set to lose,set to sign,are vying,are rumored to be, are watching,really close,move to replace,as they plot…

    Poor old sports writers hyperbolic cliche, must be desperate for the WC.

  • jambug

    Kenneth Widmerpool

    You forgot the ones we are, Lining up !

  • jambug

    And the ones ‘In the pipeline’

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    cheers Jambug! Reckon Private Eye should start “transfer speak”, although by May 30th it would already be really boring.Ive tried to get them to start an “Art speak” column, “Art speak” is far more laughable than “transfer speak” although its born of the same cliched stock,Mr and Mrs. B.C’hit.

  • colario

    Its hard enough being without an Arsenal game for ten weeks or so.

    The media’s rubbish claims as to who is coming or going just makes the absence of an Arsenal game even harder to endure.

    Just as well we don’t have to read or listen to their rubbish.

    You would think that after years and years of following Arsenal I would have come to terms with the enforced break. Not so every summer I experience that cold turkey feeling you get when you are deprived of your fix. However I have mastered the art of ignoring the media.

  • Mandy Dodd

    Are we on…..high alert…..for anyone yet? If not, wenger has to go.
    Was it as bad as this back in the days we signed Malcolm Macdonald…..or let Stapleton and viv Anderson go to rivals?

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    LATEST TRANSFER NEWS:
    Wenger out! Arsenal board to swoop for Martinez because he came 5th,ready to raid Klopp,are apparently in deep talks with Chas and Dave(no fanks),poised to sign my mates Gran(whos supported AFC since 2000BC),and are on the verge of signing Diego Simeone so he can have a scrap at the end of the game whilst generally swooping around,and are also rumored to be on high alert as to luring in Pep Guardiola by lining up a pipeline which he can swoop into as he plots to sign N.O.Body,27,currently playing for IDontexist Rovers for 333.333 million pounds so sources have it.The same packet sauces have it that Manure, Citeh and Chelsea and QPR are also interested and will battle it out and ready to bid with lots of swooping.

  • jambug

    It’s going to fun seeing how the Levy and ‘Arry transfer battle will play out.

    I mean BOTH of ’em can’t buy ‘anything that moves’ can they?

    I can just picture it on the final day.

    Danny boy: That ones mine Arry.

    Darlin Arry: I saw ‘im first mate.

    Danny: I’ve been planning this one for years.

    Arry: But e’s me mate, mate.

    Danny: Everyones your fucking mate.

    Arry: He reakons I’m the best thing since sliced bread.

    Danny: Everyone thinks your the best fucking thing since sliced bread.

    Arry: But he really means it.

    Danny: Fuck off, nobody means it.

    Arry: Anyway, you pissed £100 Million up the wall.

    Danny: And you pissed £100 Million up the wall, AND got relegated.

    Arry: Did not, Ner !!

    Danny: Did so.

    Arry: Did not

    Danny: Did

    Arry: Not……………What do you mean the fucking windows closed !!!!!!!!!!!

  • Sam

    Great article Tony

  • Shard,

    “The presence of Joey Barton means that we’ll be kicked to pieces with nothing done about it. Good thing we have Flamini now though. Just as long as we practice playing with 10 men.”

    No truer words were ever said my friend. It’s okay for Arsenal to get kicked to bits but if our own attack dog attacks, they gleefully send him off.

    I am not very worried about players that we are signing, I am worried about us being kicked off the park. We did not lose this last league because we of players that weren’t bought, we lost it because those we have, and who on top of their game and the league, were injured from attacks that were allowed by the incompetent wards of Mike Riley.

    If we could keep our current set healthy, we stand a solid chance of winning the league next season. Not saying that players shouldn’t be added though.

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Jambug, brilliant cracked me up laughing…

  • philo

    i like QPR.quiet a customer for Arsenal that one
    going to improve our goals as well

  • Florian

    Still good that we don’t eye every decent player in the Romanian League. Good, because there aren’t any 🙂 The Totts would know.

  • Mick

    And this is what should happen to every journalist who fabricates transfer rumours…….
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/worldcup2014/article-2638776/Podolski-dumps-journalist-swimming-pool-whilst-Reus-Ozil-Mertesacker-speak.html
    Don’t you just love Podolski!

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Aha!

  • Mandy Dodd

    Anyone else a bit surprised Super Mario Goetze is about the only one not linked with Arsenal?
    One of the most versatile attacking MFs going, can play wide both sides, false nine, possible cf, massive technical ability, the sort of guy who makes the back pages and not the front, wenger has flattered him with a lot of attention in the past, knows a few of our players well, and perhaps underused at his club, even rumoured to be unhappy, his path blocked by others there, or about to be there. We get on well with Bayern…and forty mil might just do it.
    Why wouldn’t he join us, he plays for Bayern I hear you say, but then again, Ozil played for Real last summer.
    Apologies, I am getting carried away and indulging in mindless tabloid like transfer gossip, though unlike the tabloids, I will not hold it against wenger if it does not happen, nor will I go into a mental negative spiral of suicidal unhappiness.
    But stranger things have happened, if this thousand to one shot comes in, I will be posting this link and gloating! And will also be very pleased if we could make such a signing of course.

  • menace

    You are right. Arsenal are only buying specialists. The one that is being sought after is a specialist bus driver with experience in parking on grass.

    We have seen the specialists from PGMOL and their very professional interpretation of kicking from behind. Currently nominated for Britain’s Got Talent as best far sighted blind whistle blowers. The Arsenal purchasing team are considering which of these would suit next seasons squad.

  • Micheal Ram

    Expect Wenger to pull a golden rabbit out of a hat again!

  • para

    Come on, we all know that speculation is just that, but it is fun too, and sometimes annoying, but hey, it’s something trivial to do as Arsenal is not playing for a while.

    ANYWAY, i suspect that we are all going to be pleasantly surprised at ARSENAL for the new season, we are where we are now through hard work and good management of the club (even though the anti-thing) and, now we will take another step up this summer, mark my words.

    The bosses DO know where they want to take ARSENAL, and the good thing is they and we can all say,
    WE DID IT OUR WAY.

    Really really really looking forward to the new season, and of course pre-season too.
    The more i see of AW the more i realise the man is genius, doing his thing, his way, because the bosses hired him to do just that, and are full behind him.

    We’re on the move once again.

  • Gord

    OT:

    The BBC has been running this for a few hours now:
    > Pochettino in talks with Tottenham

    To me, this smells of the SAF protocol in acquiring personnel for ManU. I think a significant part of the success of SAF at ManU was due to seeking transfers of players from teams that might have the possibility of being competitors for the league.

    Many of the players bought in this manner were okay players, even good players, but a significant deciding factor is how much their absence would hurt the other team.

    Pochettino is a good manager. Southampton is getting uncomfortably close to Tottenham in the league. Southampton did become a little unstable with the management change mid season, but perhaps they might stabilise this summer. Having Pochettino stay under those circumstances would probably allow them to improve. Sign him to a contract at spurs, and if he works fine. If not, fire another manager. No big deal.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Tottenham were to appoint Shebby Singh ,a life long (suffering !) Spuds fan as manager . And he does have a love/hate relationship with poultry !
    Just think about it ,St.Totteringham Day in January !

  • Gord

    The BBC is reporting that Spurs have hired Pochettino. Five year contract. As for the purposes of these contract, a year consists of a bit over 30 days, that means Pochettino should be getting sacked about mid January 2015.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    @ Gord – As per my calculations and observations above , I think you too have got it spot on !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Don’t you think that is about time we had a reality show in the EPL , where apprentice managers are hired and fired as they fight each other to get the ‘coveted’ title of Spurs Manager ( or Hot Potato !)
    They would go through a few knock out rounds where they would compete against themselves individually or in groups to progress forward.
    Who else than St.Davy of Levy the righteous , be the moderator , the hirer , the firer and overall God on high ? Orange wigs optional .

    Among the ‘tasks’ that they would be ask to do is –

    a)THE OMG FACTOR – Spot and sign the next big sensation or phenom .They would be required to watch numerous ‘you tube’ videos ,browse blogs ,trawl the red tops , read village and church bulletins and of cause , travel the world’s remotest jungles and forests ;deserts wadis and oases ; rice paddies and plantations , to watch these players ( albeit with unpronounceable names ) live and in person .

    b) MONEY MATTERS -Getting new , better or bigger sponsors for the club , while not upsetting the FFP cart ,as well as national ,international and religious sentiments !
    Brains ,si ! Bullshit , bungs and baksheesh are strictly no no !

    c) MEDIA MADNESS – Facing the press ,pundits ,ex-players/managers and fans who would demand/tell that you to “spend some more fucking money “! Or that ” you don’t know what you’re doing”! Or ask you about ” those rumours ” !

    d)TALKING TACTICS – Coming up with new and revolutionary ideas ,plans , suggestions and formations that will finally take Spurs to the top of the heap ( the other heap , I meant !)
    Should be rib tickling and coffee/tea spurting funny !

    e)NEW STADIUM FUND COLLECTION – Where they approach the average Spud fan on the street to convince them to contribute towards building a spanking new ground to rival “that lot down the road “. Millions of Spurs fans will surely dig deep for this noble and glorious cause.
    A prerequisite would be that the contestants have medical insurance !

    f) FACING THE ENEMY – Contestants will be required to go to the Arsenal fans
    and ask questions as to how Spurs as a club could improve . Should be a funny and squirmy episode or two ! Also it would be less dangerous than (e)! We could insert an element of potential danger by having Arsenal fanatic Piers Morgan face them.
    In truth, I shan’t miss him !

    g) QUIZ AND GENERAL KNOWLEDGE – Pass ! Boring ! Would probably have very long pauses and zzzzzz !

    Now only if I can find a sponsor , producer to sell this idea to ….hmmmm .