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Clairvoyant’s Wanted (but you already knew that)

Clairvoyant’s Wanted (but you already knew that)

By Psychic Brian,

Professor of Applied Frotteurism at the Tamakeri Institute

 

In order to satiate my thirst for matters Arse brought about by this interminable Arsedrought ©™ I found myself rambling through the cavernous catacumbal archives of Untold, down paths seldom trod, prying into the dustier corners.

Many a tome caught my eye and I spent delightful hours thumbing through the events, reactions and thoughts of the near and distant past.

I read many an article dealing with Arse History and mighty deeds of derring-do never forgetting to read the comments sections, often as insightful and entertaining as the main tableau. Some of the predictions were almost prescient in their accuracy while others as insightful and factual as Michael Owen.

However unless revisited by Tony’s gimlet eye; there they will lay, for the most part mouldering and forgotten, tomorrows microfish and siliconchip paper.

It is obvious that football and Arsenal in particular is our passion, something we all have opinions on; some cogent, others inane and the majority somewhere in between.

We all like to nail our colours to the mast and whether the extremes of AAA and AKB  or more measured and mainstream we all feel our opinions have merit and are worthy of sharing. Our predictions of success and of failure always come to pass and if only someone had listened, taken note or acted!

Cynics will say that all too often though we edit what we had said or thought.  We apply a healthy coating of hindsight and selective memory to bring our predictions closer to the actuality of reality. We fool ourselves.

So I suggest a challenge to test your abilities by answering these simple questions about the 2014 -2015 season and post them in the comments section numbered 1 to 10. And off course feel free to have your say as usual.

They will be held as unassailable and free from molestation as, as … a spring lamb’s chastity at a Shearer’s (sic) beer festival by Tony

and at the season’s end the Untold Psychic Champion can be revealed.

 

  1. What will Arsenal’s final English Premier League position be?
  2. What will Arsenal’s total league points be?
  3. Who will be Arsenal’s top or joint top goal scorer in all competitions?
  4. What will Arsenal’s final position in the Champion’s League be?
  5. Who will score more EPL goals, Wellbeck, Granny Shagger or Van Per$ie?
  6. On what date will St. Totteringham’s day fall in 2015?
  7. Who will we sign in the January 2015 transfer window?
  8. Which 3 teams will be relegated from the EPL in 2015?
  9. Who will be by general consensus of the Untold team be Arsenal’s best player?

And in case of a tie break…

10.   Who will be by general consensus of the Untold team be EPL’s C*nt of the year?

 —————-

Publisher’s comment: The answers will not be found on the Arsenal History Society site, but there is no harm in looking, and some of the articles are jolly good.

31 comments to Clairvoyant’s Wanted (but you already knew that)

  • Mjc

    1 1st
    2 87
    3 Walcott
    4 Semis
    5 Wellbeck
    6 11th April
    7 No one
    8 QPR/Burnley/WBA
    9 Ramsey
    10 van Gaal

  • Shadrack

    Perhaps you should focus on the correct usage of apostrophes before asking for clairvoyants (see how I didn’t use an apostrophe since the word isn’t possessive?).

  • jonestown1

    1: 3rd (much as it pains me)
    2: 82 (improvement but no cigar)
    3: Alexis
    4: Last 16
    5: Welbeck tied with WR, no fence sitting here – Van P out for 75% of season.
    6:No idea
    7: No-one
    8: Burnley, Palace and West Ham
    9: Mesut Ozil – admittedly my wish rather than prediction
    10: Van Gaal – no crystal ball needed – fact, period.

  • para

    1 1st
    2 91
    3 Sanchez
    4 Semis
    5 Wellbeck
    6 11th April (no idea really)
    7 Carvahlo
    8 WestBrom/Qpr/CrystalPalace
    9 Ozil
    10 Mou

  • gareth

    Tomorrow’s microfish and siliconchip paper. Genius

  • GoingGoingGooner

    1 2nd
    2 85
    3 Sanchez
    4 Semis
    5 Welbeck
    6 30 April
    7 nobody
    8 Sunderland, Palace, Burnley
    9 Ramsey
    10 Mourinho of course

  • Chapman's Ghost

    1. 4th
    2. 80
    3. Welbeck
    4. QF
    5. Welbeck (think Falcao will score most at Manu).
    6. March 22
    7. Carvalho, I hope but it might be some unknown Scandanavian.
    8. Burnley, Crystal Palace, WBA
    9. Sanchez
    10. RVP

  • Blaisehayest

    1. 2nd
    2. 86
    3. Welbeck
    4. QF
    5. Welbeck
    6. 2 May
    7. No One (or no one anyone is talking about now)
    8. Burnley, Crystal Palace, QPR
    9. Theo
    10. Diego Costa (couldn’t stand him before the move to chelsea, now…..)

  • Michael

    1. 2nd
    2. 83
    3. Sanchez
    4. Semi
    5. Welbeck
    6. April 18
    7. No one
    8. Burnley, QPR, Crystal Palace
    9. Ozil
    10. Mou

  • menace

    1. 1st
    2. 93
    3. Alexis
    4. Final
    5. Welbeck
    6. March 26
    7. Wenger knows
    8. Leicester, Palace, WBA
    9. Cazorla
    10. Mike Riley – again!

  • Mandy Dodd

    1/ 3rd
    2/ 85
    3/ theo
    4/ first knockout if we don’t win the group and UEFA fix us Real Bayern or Barca, but if we win,group , quarters
    5/ Welbeck
    6/ Feb 14
    7/ Thierry
    8/ Stoke, Stoke Stoke
    9/ Rambo
    10/ Mike Riley

  • Usama

    1. 1st
    2. 88
    3. Theo Walcott
    4. Quarter-Finals or further (if UEFA does not conspires against us)
    5. Welbeck
    6. April 18th
    7. A full-back if any defensive injuries OR Wenger knows 🙂
    8. Burnley, QPR, Palace
    9. Laurent Kosicenly
    10. Mike Riley and his “95%” “Correct Decision Making” Minions.

  • H Bo

    1 – 2nd
    2 – 80pts
    3 – Sanchez
    4 – 1st
    5 – Welbeck
    6 – 1/4/15 – fools
    7 – Rolls Reus
    8 – Sunderland, Qpr, Burnley
    9 – Chambers
    10- Mourinho

  • ARSENAL 13

    Hmmmmmm

    1. Champions.
    2. 110 (oops).
    3. Theo.
    4. Champions.
    5. Welbeck.
    6. 16-aug 2014.
    7. Edison Arantes do Nascimento.
    8. ManUtd, Tiny tots, stoke.
    9. Mr Wenger.
    10. Jose.

  • Shadrack – on what basis should one know everything about grammar before being able to put forward a neat idea? Isn’t that what is wrong with our education system. You have to know the rules – whereas the best things that have happened in our societies have come from breaking rules. Creativity is a better game than grammar anyway. Bloody saxon genitives.

  • John L

    i was about to say….thanks tony

  • Brian

    I’d’ve signed Shadrack up for a session of Tamakeri if only I’d known.

    1 a close second (feck it)
    2 93
    3 Sanchez & Campbell
    4 Finalists
    5 Wellbeck
    6 24th April at 5.15pm
    7 Reus
    8 Crystal Palace, WBA, QPR
    9 Ozil
    10 Allardyce

  • Chapman's Ghost

    @Mandy, you’re having two guesses at where we finish? Or do you think we’ll finish a third of the way up the table? And why on earth has uefa got anything against us?

    @Arsenal13, I like your predictions best even if I know your tongue is stapled to your cheek.

  • 1. What will Arsenal’s final English Premier League position be? – 1st (this is a no-brainer 🙂 )
    2. What will Arsenal’s total league points be? – 110 (I believe, yes I believe)
    3. Who will be Arsenal’s top or joint top goal scorer in all competitions? – All our attacking players will share the goals equally
    4. What will Arsenal’s final position in the Champion’s League be? – Winners of course (what else would it be?)
    5. Who will score more EPL goals, Wellbeck, Granny Shagger or Van Per$ie? – Welbeck by a MILE!!!
    6. On what date will St. Totteringham’s day fall in 2015? – The earliest date possible.
    7. Who will we sign in the January 2015 transfer window? – I don’t give a fuck as long as none of our players leave then.
    8. Which 3 teams will be relegated from the EPL in 2015? – Tottenham, Stoke City & Chelsea (who are you calling crazy?)
    9. Who will be by general consensus of the Untold team be Arsenal’s best player? – Any of the Arsenal player; ALL of the Arsenal players!
    And in case of a tie break…

    10. Who will be by general consensus of the Untold team be EPL’s C*nt of the year? – Jose Mourhino

  • Mandy Dodd

    CG, third I think it will be. As for UEFA, wish I knew but my point , if we finish second in the group, we tend to get the likes of Barca , Bayern, or Milan when they were quite good in an early knockout round. No Nimes, Sparta pragues or Apoel Limassol for us For about the last six years….or so, it has been mainly Barca or Bayern knowing this, my prediction is made accordingly.
    What could UEFA have against us….thinking again, perhaps our manager and especially our coach being instrumental in exposing corruption at a club that had recently won their showpiece competition, when the said organisation clearly wanted things kept quiet. Perhaps our lawyers making this organisation look like complete muppets over the Eduardo “dive” situation…..and forcing them to back down…..something they don’t like doing.
    Who knows, but looking at the draws we get, and some of the referees we get, I will wager they have something against us.
    The best thing we can do…..win our ECL group this time

  • Quincy

    1) 3rd
    2) 80
    3) Walcott
    4) Quarter Finals
    5) Shrek
    6) 9 April
    7) El Hadji Diouf
    8) Burnley, Leicester, QPR
    9) Ramsey will finally be recognised as the best CM in the league, rather than that Manc Yaya.
    10) Mourinho

  • Chapman's Ghost

    @Mandy, we usually get the best teams because those teams usually win their groups. Did Nimes, Limassol or Prague ever win their groups? I can’t recall them doing so but maybe they did. If we finish first we may get an easier draw though most teams who get out of the group stages are going to be fairly good anyway. Not sure uefa would really have it in for us for the reasons you say, the Eduardo dive was years ago and I’m sure that there’s been other incidents since involving other teams, seems a bit far fetched to me but interesting theory anyway. Whatever the CL is very hard to win unless you spend vast sums of money, even Chelsea have only won it once and Man City have yet to make a semi final.

  • Mandy Dodd

    Yes CG, we could certainly do with winning the group, though it is a reasonably tough group. Agree on the vast sums of money, but would be good to at least get past the first knockout stage.
    As for the Eduardo thing, i get the impression Uefa don’t like members resorting courts and lawyers to fight them….but who really knows. But unkind draws aside, some of the refereeing performances……most notably, away to Barca…..well………

  • LRV

    @Bootoomee; I’ll have some of what you are smoking or drinking please! Wow!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Sorry for coming in late , have not read the others’ predictions, so here goes …

    1. EPL Champions
    2.95
    3.Danny Wellbeck
    4.Champions
    5.Wellbeck
    6.The second weekend in March.
    7. Fellani
    8.Burnley , QPR & Man Utd
    9. A.Ramsey.
    10. ‘Arry Redknapp .

    You already know that I ‘m on a no brainer winner , and you already know where to send my winnings !

  • Florian

    Brickfield, there’s always someone that can come later:)

    1. 1st
    2. 86
    3. Walcott
    4. Quarter-Finals
    5. Wellbeck
    6. Apr 18th
    7. No one
    8. Burnley, QPR, Crystal Palace
    9. Ramsey
    10. Moo

    Interesting that these 86 points could mean a 24-14-0 match stat, which is… Invincibles 2?

  • Pete

    1. 3rd
    2. 83
    3. Sanchez
    4. Quarters
    5. Van P
    6. May 9th/10th weekend
    7. Rabiot
    8. QPR/Burnley/WBA
    9. Ramsey
    10. Mourinho

  • omgarsenal

    The legalize first: these predictions are in no way legally binding nor are they to be uased for any purpose other than what they were initially intended for!

    Here they are:

    What will Arsenal’s final English Premier League position be? (3rd)
    What will Arsenal’s total league points be? (85)
    Who will be Arsenal’s top or joint top goal scorer in all competitions? (Sanchez)
    What will Arsenal’s final position in the Champion’s League be? (semi-finals)
    Who will score more EPL goals, Wellbeck, Granny Shagger or Van Per$ie? (Tooney)
    On what date will St. Totteringham’s day fall in 2015? (May 1st 2015)
    Who will we sign in the January 2015 transfer window? (Carvallho)
    Which 3 teams will be relegated from the EPL in 2015? (QPR, Burnley, Crystal Palace
    Who will be by general consensus of the Untold team be Arsenal’s best player? Sanchez

    And in case of a tie break…

    10. Who will be by general consensus of the Untold team be EPL’s C*nt of the year? Michael Owen

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Did Nostradamus predict the coming of Arsene Wenger and his army of AKBs ,who would change the decrepit and corrupted old order and restore a semblance of justice , sanity and beauty to the game ?
    Look what I found !

    http://www.sciencechannel.com/strange-science/10-nostradamus-predictions.htm

    “From the enslaved populace, songs,

    Chants and demands

    While princes and lords are held captive in prisons.

    These will in the future by headless idiots

    Be received as divine prayers”

    This as we all now know was wrongly attributed to event that transpired before ,during and after the French Revolution .
    He was in fact referring to the ‘revolution’ that was to befall the old 1st English Division as it was brought in ( screaming and kicking )into the new millennium to become the greatest show on earth .Only for it to perverted by greedy ,grubby and stupid hierachy .
    Many , including me , are of the belief that the word ‘princes’ (in the line 3 ) was wrongly translated ( probably by one who had a writing lisp impediment ) and should actually read ‘ ponces ‘.It makes more sense !
    If you were to read the original text in Latin , you would find references to crooked and foul mouthed Scottish Knights ; a goose that laid golden eggs ; 49th game changer ; Iberian idiots ; Russian ruffians ; many references to ‘black gold’ and sheik your booty !
    The name Riley is often mentioned and research show that he was a puny man of no significance ,but was promoted to high office due to his flexible spine and the ability to bend over backwards .
    It also mentions that a movement started by Antoine De Attwoode ( probably Anthony ?) which was/is unmentionable (Untold?) , when he realised that the voice of the people was not being heard and there was misinformation afoot.
    He united a great army of like minded lovers of the beautiful arts the world over .They were to be called the Aakkbbees and would have in their midst many a colourful and wise men .
    There is also a mentioned of a loud and ‘man of very colourful words’ , called Will from the new York city of the new world, who took no prisoners , nor brooked no shit !. His bark and his bite were equally feared by the cowardly headless ( brainless ) AAAA idiots who talk through their arses!

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Excellent as always Brickfields!
    COYG! Aha and Amen!