By Sir Hardly Anyone, listening to football’s chatter, rumour, and mindless gibberish.
[First, apologies for the late publication of this article this morning. Tony went dancing last night, didn’t get back to the early hours, and failed to press the button for the 8am piece. The issue will be resolved with swords drawn at noon.]
Now, here we go…
Top midfielder finally confirmed to sign for Arsenal in next few days
Yes that is the story screaming its way from many of the spoof sites at the moment. The only problem is that we don’t know which top midfielder it is.
You see there are no less than three, or maybe four candidates, and one of them is a bit of a surprise. Here’s the first.
Done – Arsenal Completes Signing Of POWERFUL Midfielder, Gets Number 7 Shirt,
“Vlad Dragomir will be fast-tracked into the Arsenal first team according to a report in the Czech Republic.” shouts another.
And what happens to Tomas Rosicky I hear you cry, or I would if I were in the same room as you.
Of course the whole thing starts to become dubious when we find that the site reporting this is one of those distance telepathy sites that knows not just what you are thinking, but also the next guy and the next guy and…
“While fans were expecting the announcement of Petr Cech as the club’s first signing, they will nonetheless be pleased that the club are going on with the tradition of recruiting young blood to be moulded into world class players.”
So there you are you will be pleased. Got it? Anyone not pleased will be shot.
I should add however that other suggestions are that he is going into the academy and most certainly doesn’t have a first team squad number. It was a photoshopped picture.
So that is one midfielder done. Who is the second?
Arsenal set to sign English midfielder!
Blimey! According to the Daily Mail, Arsenal are willing to sign Aston Villa midfielder Fabian Delph for the next season.
Ah, “willing to”. Which in my understanding of life is one step down from “going to”.
Apparently because Schneiderlin is off to Man U we’ll have Delph. Or try this way of seeing things “Arsene Wenger thinks that Delph could replace Tomas Rosicky, who is keen to leave the club this summer. He is valued at £10m.” Which is not the same thing at all.
OK so we ain’t signing Schneiderlin after all. Let’s try some more
DONE DEAL: Arsenal Have SIGNED A World CLASS MASTER Piece Star!
That gets us nowhere. That piece turns out to be about a goalkeeper from Chelsea. Try again…
BREAKING NEWS: Expert FINALLY CONFIRM Amazing DM Will Join Arsenal
Arsenal’s hope of finally securing the services of long-time target have been boosted with fresh claims by The Sun’s Journalist.
(That’s a turn up – the Sun hiring journalists. I shall have to check that out). But here’s another…
According to the Metro, Arsenal are set to complete the signing of Southampton’s Morgan Schneiderlin.
Searching for clarity we move on to,,,
Arsenal could announce signing of £43m trio next week: Gunners in advanced talks to sign three quality players
Emirates Stadium side putting together squad that can mount genuine push for major honours.
OK so a “genuine push”. That winning the FA Cup twice in succession for the second time under the only manager ever to have achieved that twice, and being in a position to win the FA Cup three times running – all that was “a fake push for major honours” I suppose.
Anyway Petr Cech is the first of the three. (Incidentally some sites are saying that Ooooospina is not leaving after all).
Next up it is Faouzi Ghoulam (Napoli): £11m
The highly rated Algerian left-back is reportedly a player Arsene Wenger wants to bring in this summer. Ghoulam went to Naples last year but Rafa the Larger has left and Napoli ain’t in the Champs League so that’s that.
The third of course is Vidal.
Arsenal have been chasing the Serie A star for some months and by all accounts a fresh £21.2m bid is on the cards (according to our old mates the Daily Rewrite, sorry Telegraph).
The 28 year old is currently away on international duty and the presence of his national team colleague Alexis Sanchez at the Emirates Stadium is thought to be the driving force behind a move to bring the former Bayer Leverkusen man to North London.”
But wait, what’s this?
Arsenal’s LATEST Signing Is BETTER Than AMAZING Alexis Sanchez
Oh, it’s Cech.
But no, wait again …
DONE DEAL! Arsenal signed a five-year contract with world-class midfielder!
As the football expert and journalist Hernan Feler claims, Arsenal have signed a five-year contract with Juventus midfield star Arturo Vidal, who was linked with the departure from the Juventus Stadium this summer.
But no… but yes… but no…
LATEST: PERFECT Midfielder FINALLY Confirmed to Sign for Arsenal In Days
Arsenal are set to sign Morgan Schneiderlin this summer.
Arsenal are close to finally signing long time target with fresh reports of a deal to be completed next week.
Yes, you didn’t hear it here first…
Arsenal are set to steal Southampton star Morgan Schneiderlin.
But there are now stories of full backs too.
Athletic Bilbao want Monreal it seems, and think they can get him for a pittance. But…
It will not be easy for Athletic Bilbao to lure Monreal away from Arsenal, as Monreal’s contract with the Gunners is not set to expire until 2017.
Monreal has also said that he wants to sign a new deal with Arsenal, according to Metro.
“I have one more year on my contract, but I want to stay,” Monreal said on his current situation.
Seems to have all the makings of a non-story. But wait, what’s this…
ARSENAL LODGE £13M BID FOR ZENIT DEFENDER EZEQUIEL GARAY
TMW claims that Garay has been a long-term target for Manchester United.
United decided against making a move for him last summer when he moved to Russia for just £4m.
You pays your money and takes your choice.
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