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October 2016
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DONE DEAL: Arsenal Striker Target Arrives North London, Officially Completes Move. Headline of the year

By Sir Hardly Anyone

On the day after Mr Wenger said that no deal was imminent a quick look around by the spoof sites shows me that either

a) Mr Wenger is deliberately being economical with the truth

b) Mr Wenger doesn’t know what is going on in the club

c) We are in the middle of another big Vapour Transfer activity as we were with Ozil, and someone is going to come but not the player we expect.

d) The little spoof sites don’t know what they are talking about and are writing invented rubbish to try and trick people to click on Skybet and Coral adverts.

I can’t quite decide which it could possibly be.

However the latest batch also shows that some of these spoofs sites are getting a bit cheeky.  Here’s the current run down from sites appearing on

DONE DEAL: CONFIRMED- Arsenal Have Signed Karim Benzema

Arsenal have agreed a deal to sign Real Madrid hitman Karim Benzema.

That’s according to former Manchester City ace Rodney Marsh, who claims the Gunners have had a £48million bid for the 27-year-old accepted by Los Blancos.

“I had a phone call from a mate of mine, and he’s been right on many things, and he said that he believes Real Madrid have accepted a bid somewhere in the region of £48million for Benzema from Arsenal,” Marsh told talkSPORT.

[Which means, do you believe Marsh or Wenger?]

“I’m Here In London” Arsenal FINALLY Set To Complete Striker Transfer As Director Arrives

The Gunners are one of the busiest clubs in the transfer market as we have seen a chunk of their players sent on loan for their development. This time around, Joel Campbell may be on his way out too but on a permanent deal. However, Parlemo’s president Maurizio Zamparini claims that the Gunners are undecided over the future of their player Joel Campbell.


Done- Welcome To The Emirates, Benzema’s Move sealed

According to reports making the round, Arsenal are a step closer in signing Real Madrid forward star and different sources have confirmed the deal will happen soon.

Popular journalist Emanuele Giulianelli, had earlier claim last week that he had been told the deal was nearing completion.

Giulianelli took to his twitter handle yesterday and retweeted a young fan who said that Benzema laughed when he asked him if he will make the switch to the Emirates.

However, another source has confirmed that Benzema’s move to Arsenal is close as Former Pro Pundit   Jan Aage-Fjortoft also took to his twitter handle to confirm this news to millions of his twitter followers.

[Not very nice to laugh at a young fan was it?]

CONFIRMED: 2nd Signing, Benzema To get No 9 Jersey, Welcome To The Emirates

Arsenal have agreed a deal to sign Real Madrid hitman Karim Benzema.

That’s according to former Manchester City ace Rodney Marsh, who claims the Gunners have had a £48million bid for the 27-year-old accepted by Los Blancos.

[Hmmm. Two different sites running exactly the same story.  What are the chances of that?]

DONE DEAL– Very SKILLFUL South American Completes Arsenal Transfer  By Far The Greatest Team

Arsenal FC officially tweeted that wellington Silva has completed a loan move to club Bolton wanderers.

It Is COMPLETED! Madrid FINALLY AGREE To Sell Arsenal Target, Medical in Coming Days

Arsenal target Asier illaramendi is closer to making a move out of his club, after Real Madrid decided it’s time to offload him, according to reports.

The Spanish midfielder who joined Madrid from Real Sociedad two seasons ago has not had the best of time at Santiago Bernabeu with Ancelloti preferring Alonso then Toni Kroos to him.

Welcome to Emirates–Arsenal have agreed deal with French hitman!

According to the latest reports from Britain, Arsenal have finally agreed terms with Real Madrid for French striker Karim Benzema who has been a long-term target for Arsene Wenger and all summer long linked with a move to Emirates and finally deal set to be announced in coming days.

[Ahhhh, those “latest reports”.   They get everywhere.]

DONE DEAL: Welcome To London– Arsenal Striker Target Officially COMPLETE Long AWAITED Transfer    oohtobeagooner

Pedro Rodriguez has agreed to a shock deal with Chelsea, after snubbing Manchester United at the last minute.

[Now that one is a bit naughty.  But still here we are at last ready to read the winner of our Headline of the Week competition.]

DONE DEAL + PICTURE PROOF: Arsenal Striker Target Arrives North London, Officially Completes Move    oohtobeagooner

Arsenal have been handed the final blow in their pursuit of sensational winger Clinton Njie after fellow north London rivals Tottenham Hotspur officially confirmed the signing of the star last weekend.

The Spurs have beaten Arsenal to the signature of Lyon star Clinton Njie, and have officially announced the signing of the winger with a public statement via the club’s official twitter account.


I could of course go on and on and on and on and, well, you know, but it is just more of the same.   Funny ol’ world, running spoof football sites just to trick people into clicking on your links to adverts for SkyBet and Coral.   I wonder what the gambling companies make of it all.  Or come to that the Advertising Standards Authority.


More from today’s anniversary files

22 August 1914: Tottenham 1 Arsenal 5.  This was the only pre-season friendly recorded for the season, although it is more than likely that a match between the first team and the reserves was also played.  13,564 turned up for the first match between the two after the move to north London, reflecting a certain thawing in relationships.

22 August 1925:  At the second pre-season game of Chapman’s reign 13,269 turned up for a “practice match” between the first team and the reserves

  • @UntoldArsenal on Twitter
  • TonyAttwoodofLondon on Facebook
  • Arsenal Annivesaries each day on the home page
  • Remember, remember.  The history of Arsenal’s pre-seasons: now covering every season from 1983 to 2014, with more articles forthcoming.

The books




44 comments to DONE DEAL: Arsenal Striker Target Arrives North London, Officially Completes Move. Headline of the year

  • Mandy Dodd

    Have a feeling this Benzema thing is a classic vapour transfer, a clever diversion, when in reality, Wenger is going to sign kalou just to upset the AAA.

  • Al

    Another gem, Sir Hardly 🙂

  • Great untidy just tied it.

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Bournemouth giving the Spam a load of poop! The Scallies were lucky in mid week thats for sure.
    Many thanks to Sir Hardly Anyone for his exposé on the click bait websites!

  • Magaba Hazel(lundazi)

    Let’s hop Benzima issue true we are fed up with wenger

  • Dex

    Another hilarious spoof. Well done Mr Hardley any gags!

    Lets all laugh at Arsenal fans thinking that we might ever need new signings. The squad is the best in the history of football.

    Name me better players in any position?

    We only lost our first home game against the mighty Hammers due to the moons orbit being inUranus. These great Hammers who are currently getting outplayed at home by the Galacticos of Bournemouth.

    And to think, some deluded spoilt brat Gooners think we should add to the squad?

  • Kenneth Widmerpool

    Dex you having a pop at me?

  • chris

    You are as bad as them!
    First of all you gave a post with a similar headline to bring it to peoples attention what these pages are doing, you obviously got a lot of clicks as your page went up to 2nd on the ‘most popular pages’ on Goonernews.

    You must have liked them clicks as this is about the 3rd time in a couple of weeks that you have run the same misleading headline to apparently expose them.

    We understood the first time you wrote about it, you don’t have to keep going on about these sites using, again, misleading headlines like them, unless of course you are actually doing it for the clicks but pretending you are trying to expose them.

  • Dex


    No old boy. My post went up before I’d even seen yours. For some reason, yours and the other one after weren’t showing when I read the comedy gold proffered by the satirical knight.

  • TailGunner

    Get used to it. There’ll be more like it yet & more clicks I’m sure.

  • Harry Barracuda

    The Benzema story is bollocks from start to finish.

  • Mandy Dodd

    One or two journalists out there are going to have some serious egg on their faces if this story is bollox, even Philippe Auclair said he initially dismissed the rumour but is now starting to wonder.
    But, even if Benz is for sale, two gazumping teams spring to mind immediately, one failed to score in the early game today, and don’t forget, Real reportedly want the Utd keeper so maybe a chance of a trade off there, who knows.
    Benzema, will believe when I see, and if it turns out to all be nonsense or he goes somewhere else, don’t think there should be a rush to blame Wenger , at least without knowing the full facts, which lets face it, we are unlikely to.
    Bad few days for Utd.

  • Leo

    Liverpool were expecting Sanchez cos they were selling Suarez to Barcelona. The same will happen to Manure.

  • TailGunner

    I’m also beginning to believe the Benz transfer is true. Do journalists really go so far as to invent stories about private jets etc being laid on? Of course there’s still time for a hi-jack to take place.

  • bjtgooner

    I am pleased to note the redoubtable Sir Hardly is still keeping us up to date.

    Keep them coming Sir Hardly!

  • Mandy Dodd

    Who knows with journalists. What makes me suspicious, and I cannot figure out is why Real would sell such a player, unless they needed money quick…..which surely is unlikely, or unless they had a replacement lined up? Or unless he is genuinely surplus to requirements, they have a lot of attacking talent. My mate heard from the bloke down the pub etc etc that Reus was heading there……but not really a striker?
    Or maybe city are going to do Real….and the transfer window in general an act of kindness and sell them Aguero…..ok maybe not…..
    All a bit of a strange one, but similar stories were coming out about Higuain, and he as we know was taken by the charms of Naples.

  • rolf

    Ronaldo as central striker perhaps? Which would give Bale a bit more space to operate.

  • Omsin_the_legend

    I have no research for this so as much as I would like to claim 99% of the people…..

    I can only say I believe that most people who can hear only hear what they what to hear and are deaf to what is actually said to them.

    Most people with the ability to see only see what they want to see and are blind to what there for them to see.

    Most people who have the ability to think – don’t.

    Thus what they say is what they think is their understanding, their ideas and their thoughts, when all they have said is what convinces them they know.

    I used to think I was clever till I realised that it was my brain that was telling me this.

  • Am just fed up with mr wenger,becuse is not makeing us the arsenal fans happy.

  • Day of draws in epl.our sgt Carl got his marching orders.west ham shit since beating us.wish we pummeled them for six.

  • Mick

    Done deal, according to the Express …..
    Karim Benzema eyes Liverpool as Arsenal charter private jet to secure Real Madrid star
    ARSENAL have chartered a private jet to bring Karim Benzema over from Spain ahead of his transfer from Real Madrid, according to reports.

    Wow, I am so excited!!!

  • Mandy Dodd

    Might not help motivating the forwards we already have!
    As I say, have seen very similar stories with Higuain, and for that matter, Mata, and I am sure there have been others.
    None of it makes too much sense at the moment, but time will reveal all. Just don’t get why they would sell him, IF true, maybe they want one of ours?

  • Mandy Dodd

    Would urge serious caution over some of these reports. He certainly fits the profile of some of our recent signings…..and who knows, it may happen…..BUT something does not feel right about this one. Some journalists I have never heard of , and Rodney Marsh seem to be staking reps on this, yet the likes of John Cross, Sky Sports News, Darren Lewis and many others are quiet……..unusual if the guy has a plane booked to be unveiled before the Liverpool game? It such things really have leaked, surely these journalists will be all over it? Would not look good for Mr Cross is some Italian journalist, Rodney Marsh and a glamorous Venezuelan TV presenter break this, and he and his colleagues keep quiet for so long.
    I wonder if Real are playing some game of their own here, but no idea what it may be.
    If it happens, so be it, but there may be a thousand reasons why it might not, and that’s assuming he is available or Wenger is interest. This smacks of something that if it does not happen, will be used by the AAA/media as a Wenger whit kicking fest.
    But Of course Icould be wrong and we may have a new striker tues.

  • Menace

    Dex – It’s not only the moons orbit round Uranus it’s round you Arse’n al!!!

    I bet you never buy presents for anyone.

  • Ogban

    Can’t wait for the window to close and let’s enjoy the football. The unfortunate thing is that immediately after the window closes, these blokes will start all over about the January window

  • Mandy Dodd

    Agree Ogban, let’s just enjoy and support the players we already have, if more come, we can welcome them at the time

  • soglorious

    My view of transfers is very straight forward. I check, then if its not in any of the two, I know its a spoof so I don’t bother clicking the spoof sites. You are allowed to do likewise.

  • Ray from Norfolk, Virginia

    I like to read the bait-titles on the Arsenal section of new snow, and I only click links to blogs that I like. But it is amusing to read:
    Newcastle acquisition snubbed Arsenal, when it is about Florian Thauvin having been approached to hone his skills in our academy, and this notoriously impatient brat infuriating Lille to the point they sold him to Marseille before he ever played a single game for their senior side. Mind you, Marseille got themselves Cabella in the deal, a player who is far more finished (and level-headed) than Thauvin.

  • Dex

    Just back from painting the town red and look, my unmenacing sterilised stalker troll has posted yet another limp waisted retort to a post that flew over her head like her dads pyjama bottoms…

    You’re the gift that keeps on giving ….. Too easy.

  • sleekwhale

    Pedro was on a private jet to ManU but landed on the blue patch around London…that should encourage those who want to believe the news to try harder. Benz- if he doesn’t come we play with the players we’ve got and make it a point of duty to shut the media up😝

  • stardom3'7s

    I’m happy we are beginning to know this tricks. gunners fans are matured in reasoning we’ll believe it when we see it. we’ve seen enough to know better.

  • M18CTID

    Not sure where to post this but this seems to be the most appropriate. A fellow City fan that posts on the City forum I’m on and has got some things right about deals involving City in the past reckons Benzema to Arsenal is done. Not sure how true it is and he doesn’t always get it right but he’s been fairly reliable. Huge signing if true and makes me wonder why United don’t seem to be in for him because their need for a good striker is probably greater than Arsenal’s even.

  • Mandy Dodd

    Agreed on Utd, M18, they do need a striker, certainly on yesterday’s evidence. MOTD added up the recent goals for their players, nowhere near enough. Unless they really are getting someone like Muller……or those ridiculous stories about Neymar, you would think they would be first in the queue in Benzema really was available…….especially as Utd have a player Madrid want, unless of course Benz is another player who refuses to work with LVG, reputedly quite a good friend of Di Maria.
    Not only Utd, Chelsea look like they could do with a striker……Costa seems like injuries and suspensions will interrupt his season.
    Benzema is an interesting player, but not convinced by these reports.

  • i believe it a nice move for the gunners

  • Jambug


    Despite our numerous disagreements (we’ll never agree on the money issue) always good to hear from you.

    If you’ve been perusing Untold over the last month or 2 you will of seen how vociferously I have been defending Giroud, and how aligned with our other goal scoring options I think we have enough goals in the side to mount a title challenge.

    That begs the question, do we need Benzema?

    Maybe not, BUT, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t welcome him with open arms, even if the reputed price is way over the top. But hey, who isn’t ?

    The thing is, despite your ‘sources’ undoubtedly good record on the transfer knowledge front, somehow I just don’t think this is going to happen.

    Do I care if it doesn’t happen? Well, apart from the shit storm I know Wenger will get for ‘Missing out’. No.

    Would I be happy if he came. Of course.

    I’m sure, despite Cities vast array of talent City fans would also welcome him with open arms. As would United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Spurs. Anybody actually.

    None of that changes the fact I think we can win the PL without him.

    As none of that changes the fact that the reputed £48 Million is WAY over the top.

    By the way, good win and great start for your lads. Looks like you’re going to be the ones to beat.

  • ssempiiri Godfrey

    hopefully, he may deliver than “Girud” if he comes!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

    ”Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

    “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

    “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

    “Ah, yes,” replied the CEO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

    “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

    “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

    ( My question would be ,” How many foreskins do you think it would it to take to make one of ‘them’ ?”

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Taken for a ride – with many happy endings !

    A long time ago, a young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. She was sitting, out of sorts, when a Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

    Thankful, she climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

    The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-” so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!” and rode off.

    “Why was that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant. “I don’t know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

    “Lady,” the attendant said in a pained expression, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

  • M18CTID


    Well if Giroud keeps banging in goals like the one he scored at Palace you’ll be laughing. He’s a decent player but a signing like Benzema would complement your attack and be a huge game-changer in the title race. It would be impossible not to get excited over a signing like that, and I’d sooner you got him than our friends down the road – let them keep relying on a seemingly declining Rooney 😉

    I only posted the info because I know this source has got things right in the past, but those have been City related so I’m not sure how he’d have the inside track on any Arsenal related transfer stuff. He even said it would be done by Tuesday (tomorrow). I’m a little sceptical though – not because I don’t think Arsenal would be interested if a player of Benzema’s quality became available but because I’d be surprised if he was available in the first place. He’s one of the main men at Real and I can’t see why they would be inclined to sell him because it leaves them short in the striker department, unless they’ve got a biggie lined up which I suppose is entirely possible. It better not be Aguero lol.

    Yes, it has been a good start but that’s all it is – a start. The squad seems invigorated again after last season’s weakish title defence. I don’t think we were that bad last season and it was a poor run of form from January to April that did for us – either side of that, we played some decent stuff and it kind of went under the radar that we won the last 6 games of the season.

  • Gord

    I got up early, and won’t probably won’t find out the score in the game until tomorrow. So, I thought I would generate some numbers.

    Researchers often assume that the distribution of goals in football is a Poisson process. In order for this to be strictly true, the probability of scoring a goal in a game has to be the same for all possible times. This is not what is observed, but is close to being true.

    The EPL has played about 8000 games. For my exercise, I chose to run over 100,000 trials (a bit more than 10 times more. Hence, any ratios that come out of this should be about 30% more accurate than ratios derived from 8000 games.

    My league was special, it consisted entirely of teams that on average, score 1 goal in a game. There were 2 kinds of teams: Poisson teams (variance=1) and Binomial teams (variance=0.9).

    Just looking at Poisson team playing Poisson team. The most goals scored in a game by one team was 8, which happened twice in 100,000 games (0:8 and 3:8). The most goals scored in a game between both teams was 3 times (3:8, 7:4 and 5:6). The largest goal difference seen was 8 (0:8). The most common ties are 0:0 and 1:1, which occurred about 27% of the time. Ties in general occurred about 30.8% of the time. Scores of 1-0 or 0-1, are about as common as 0-0 and 1-1, occurring about 54.1% of the time (in total, for those 4 different scores).

    Scores of 2:0, 0:2, 2:1 and 1:2 are all about equally likely (those scores occur about 27.1% of the time), whereas a score of 2:2 only occurs about half as often as any one of those.

    Two goals (in total) or less occurs about 67.7% of the time. Three goals or less 85.8% of the time and 4 goals or less 94.8% of the time.

    Some of these groups overlap, so the percentages add up to more than 100 due to double counting.

    And all of that is just pure randomness. No player skill, no manager skill, no injuries, no crooked officials and no chartering airplanes to fly phantom trades in.

  • Gord

    Poisson is probably the first choice distribution for discrete events (like scoring goals) where the probability of scoring is independent of time. It is a single parameter distribution which has the mean equaling the variance.

    There are 2 distributions often associated with the Poisson, which can be used when it is apparent that a distribution has less variance than a Poisson (binomial) or more variance (negative binomial). The other league of 2 teams, pits a Poisson team against a Binomial team. They both score the same number of goals on average (1), the Binomial team is more consistent (less variance) by a little bit (10%).

    The more consistent team is noticeable from the start, as 1:1 is a more common score than 0:0. A 0:1 score where the Binomial team gets the 1 is a bit more common than the other way around.

    The most goals observed to be scored by a single was 7, and that was by the Poisson team (7:0, 7:1 and 7:2 observed). The most goals scored by the Binomial team was 6. Situations involving the Binomial team scoring more than 3 were less likely than the Poisson team scoring more than 3.

    Ties occurred 30.8% of the time. The Binomial team won 35.2% of the time, leaving the Poisson team winning 34% of the time. I would need more data to say if those 3 fractions are different.

    In terms of Bulldog’s hat trick problem, a Binomial team doesn’t score hat tricks as often as a Poisson team. They only score 3 or more goals, 6.9% of the time.

  • M18CTID

    Well it’s looking like the usually reliable source has got this one totally wrong – all the vibes coming from Benzema and Real suggest he’s going nowhere. I must admit that it made little sense from Real’s point of view because they’re not overly stocked in the striker department.

  • victor

    Wenger has never been straight forward in transfers i will not be surprise if he brings Adebayor back.

  • Victor you get the Sir Hardly Anyone prize for the silliest suggestion of the century. Please write in again and tell us what would surprise you.