By Sir Hardly Anyone
Yes this past week’s transfer tales have been full of both in’s and out’s and with only three months to go before the transfer windows slams shut on your fingers and little driblets of blood spatter onto the carpet you just had cleaned, the clubs are starting to panic.
However there is no need. Just look at this
ARSENAL HAVE SIGNED £20M WORLD-CLASS NO.9 – “COMPLETED MEDICAL LAST FRIDAY”
Now given the incredible level of coverage of Granit’s transfer to Arsenal long before the deal was done, this might come as a bit of a surprise.
But perhaps this is explainable by the fact that the story comes from Balkan News and refers to Jamie Vardy. It is odd that the story hasn’t been picked up by other people – only those in the Balkan’s, so your intrepid reporter actually read the full article accompanying the headline and it says this
Earlier this week in British newspapers has been leaked that Arsenal are in secret talks with World-Class No.9 but the name of the striker remains unclear.
Some of the British sources insist that its Leicester City forward Jamie Vardy who has scored 24-goals in the Premier league and being named as PFA Player of the year.
Then we have the invariable Wenger insult
Arsene Wenger is finally set to move for a blockbuster striker
followed by the complete contradiction of the headline
in the coming months
and the admission they made it all up
and Jamie Vardy has been one of the best candidates to replace injured striker.
And the fact that they made up something that won’t happen
However, his move from King Power seems unlikely after Leicester City FC agreed on the new five-year deal with their star striker who led them to their first Premier League title.
I think it is fair to say that this bloggetta takes us to heights (or is that depths) of insanity that we didn’t get to last summer, something that is confirmed by the fact that the site also carries an advert with the lead
They also run the headline “I will leave in the summer” which is about Dan Crowley (see below, and don’t panic).
Elsewhere we have Arsenal agree personal terms with striker, confirms agent which comes from Arsenal Fever. That’s Romero, whose story we covered last week, and last year.
But fortunately, before your finger nails are gnawed to the bones waiting for Arsenal.com to confirm you can occupy your mind with Epl Scouts who tell us
Deal Close: Arsenal ready to agree terms with Euro giants
And the details…
Oops! That page can’t be found.
OK so enough of that. Here are 21 proper and serious stories.
Honestly. I found them in the press, so they must be true.
Story Number 1: The Daily Mail
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger will be looking to bolster his squad with signings this summer
And I think we should all thank the Mail for that one. But of course it is not only Arsenal that is making the news this past week.
Story Number 2: The Daily Mail
Liverpool misfit Mario Balotelli set for Anfield return after flopping on loan
The 25-year-old striker signed for the Reds in 2014 from Milan for £16million, but managed just four goals in 28 appearances and was sent back to Italy on loan. Balotelli, however, has continued to struggle for form and was told he has no future with the Rossoneri.
Nor, I suspect, as an ice cream vendor, a Portuguese translator of Virgil, a tree surgeon, a telephone engineer, or an impersonator of the Duchess of York.
But the return of Balotelli to Liverpool is predictable as no one else wants him. Equally to be expected, is…
Story Number 3: The Daily Mail
Barcelona stepping up pursuit of Arsenal defender Hector Bellerin
If you didn’t see this coming you were not paying attention. Here’s how it goes…
Arsenal face a battle to hold on to Hector Bellerin this summer with Barcelona making the right back their top target to replace Dani Alves, according to reports in Spain on Thursday.
News of the Catalans’ interest in Bellerin – a former Barcelona academy player – will be a major concern to Arsene Wenger having helped turn the 21-year-old into one of the best right backs in the Premier League.
What I really find odd here is the “News of the Catalans’ interest…” No guys, it isn’t news, it’s ancients. Anyway Barcelona are in a bit of a Messi (ho ho) with a court case just now.
And not only that, there are the players that we won’t get but were once spotted at the airport not to mention the estate agents.
Story Number 4: The Guardian
Gonzalo Higuaín… the record-breaking Napoli sharpshooter … has apparently said he wants to join up with Jürgen Klopp and company. He just has to force his exit from Naples first.
Story Number 5: The Guardian
Could Kurt Zouma become the new Petr Cech? No.
Yes that is the way they write these snips in the Guardian, plus of course with an overdollop of snide sarcasm… “No he’s not about to don the gloves and exhibit a worrying vulnerability at his near post – but he could be following the goalkeeper’s path to Arsenal, with Arsène Wenger said to have made contact with Chelsea about signing the commanding centre-back.”
Story Number 6: The Metro
“Massimiliano Allegri hints at Alvaro Morata exit” is the big story and you know its real because it is followed by the word “report” with a link to another article that says exactly the same thing.
Juventus manager Massimiliano Allegri appears to have hinted that Arsenal could sign Alvaro Morata.
And just to make sure you have got it…
Speaking in an interview, Allegri’s face suggested Juve could struggle to fight off interest in the 23-year-old.
Story Number 7: The Metro
Calum Chambers linked with a return to Southampon on loan (Picture: Getty)
I am not quite sure if the picture was of Calum, Southampton or a Getty (a close relative of a Yeti), but fortunately the report has a secondary headline
Calum Chambers to be loaned out this summer – report
Arsenal could send Calum Chambers out on loan to a Premier League club for next season.
The England man’s former club Southampton are among the sides showing an interest, with Chambers not progressing as hoped at the Emirates Stadium.
So all told not a very long report.
Story Number 8 – The Metro (continuing)
In more positive news for Arsenal fans, the 21-year-old’s departure could free up the club to sign £20m-rated Napoli centre-back Kalidou Koulibaly.
Story Number 9 – The Metro and another “report”
Actually I think there is an abuse of the word “report” here, and if the UK government actually hadn’t actually sold off the Office of Fair Trading to Google, we might be able to report it. But still there is always
Story Number 10 – The Metro (and please don’t lose the will to live, there is some better stuff a bit later…)
David Ospina a £3m transfer target for Besiktas – report
Bestikas are keen to sign Arsenal’s backup goalkeeper David Ospina this summer. The Colombian shot-stopper has fallen behind Petr Cech in the pecking order, and is also keen to leave north London.
£3m could be enough for Arsenal to sell the former Nice man…
Story Number 11 – L’Equipe (at least the Metro blame them)
“Arsenal are reportedly ready to spend big on a new striker to finally replace Olivier Giroud in the summer transfer window and so will buy either Gonzalo Higuain, or Alvaro Morata or Jamie Vardy.”
Which is odd because according to the first report we bought Vardy last friday.
And while we are at it Story Number 12 (its the Metro of course)
Arsenal have been linked with Vardy’s Foxes team-mates Riyad Mahrez and N’Golo Kante, but it may be hard to persuade Claudio Ranieri to sell to a direct rival.
Actually it would easier if we just bought the whole city, including that old king they found in a car park.
Story Number 13, setting Arsenal up to fall down (Daily Express)
The Mail reckon Bilic is ready to make a £16m approach to sign AC Milan star Carlos Bacca, who is wanted at Arsenal. Bacca joined Milan from Sevilla last summer with the assumption that the San Siro giants would challenge for the Serie A title and qualify for the Champions League.
Clever how the Express blames the Mail.
Story Number 14. More from the Excess.
Story number 18: From the BBC
Newport County have signed former Arsenal midfielder Mark Randall on a two-year contract. They also have the headline Bournemouth set to beat Arsenal and Crystal Palace to striker signing.
Now I have often wondered what “set to beat” means. Is it that there is a whistle blown, and the transfer chiefs get in their cars and race, or is it implying that Arsenal’s negotiation team never get up until two o’clock in the afternoon.
Anyway in case you care that BBC tale says “Bournemouth set to beat Arsenal to 18-year-old free agent striker Mikael Ndjoli” Does Arsenal actually sign any 18 year old free agents?
Story number 19: From Statto.com
BOURNEMOUTH are reportedly set to beat Arsenal and Crystal Palace to the signing of Mikael Ndjoli. See, you can rely on Untold – I just told you that.
Story number 20: Sorry I drifted off there and can’t remember where this came from.
MARK BOSNICH believes Celtic attacker Tom Rogic is ideally suited to the style of football at Arsenal.
Story number 21: From Statto.
Arsenal make shock Granit Xhaka announcement. He will now wear the No 29 shirt next season.
And in case you missed it, yesterday’s insult of the day from the home page was
I must tell you friendly in your ears, sell when you can, you are not for all markets
(As you like it)
The most recent edition of the Great Transfer Index lists 51 players tipped to be signed by Arsenal this summer. A new edition will be published in a few days time.