Research and interrogation, plus the buying of a multiplicity of alcoholic beverages for various journalists, undertaken selflessly and without any thought of the damage to his mind or body by Sir Hardly Anyone OBE, but with an expenses bill being handed in any minute…
Actually before we start I have a new ploy by the aaa to report. Untold publishes a detailed analysis of something like transfers or managers or whatever, and the aaa come back with a simple one liner answer. Untold editors, being gents, try and answer this one line point politely (although sometimes they fail to be polite). Then more aaa pour in and say “this shows the paucity of your argument if you seriously think everything is down to x.”
Anyway, thought you’d like to know what the editorial office is discussing today. Now on with the show…
Preliminaries: Kelechi Nwakali
Kelechi is expected to arrive at Arsenal this week after delays due to his participation in the U20 Africa Cup of Nations qualifiers. Arsenal allegedly “fought off” Bayern Munich and Barcelona to sign the player. The official line of the negativists is that he is just a kid.
Extra Preliminary: Chelsea in the loan League.
They are indeed at it again with 14 players out on loan already.
- Andreas Christensen (Borussia Monchengladback) – season
- Nathan Ake (Bournemouth) – season
- Charly Musonda (Real Betis) – season
- Lewis Baker (Vitesse) – season
- Nathan (Vitesse) – season
- Jeremie Boga (Granada) – season
- Victorien Angban (Granada) – season
- Wallace (Gremio) – season
- Matej Delac (Mouscron) – season
- Tomas Kalas (Fulham) – season
- Kasey Palmer (Huddersfield) – season
- Alex Kiwomya (Crewe) – 6 months
- Joao Rodriguez (Santa Fe) – season
- Mitchell Beeney (Crawley Town) – 6 months
Man City has seven so far, Swansea five. Most clubs have zero, one or two. Arsenal have Toral and Crowley. The official line of the negativists is that we should loan out more. “It shows the youth system isn’t up to scratch,” said Ima Moaner.
Late Extra Post-Preliminary: Kalidou Koulibaly
According to Football Italia, Arsenal have spoken to Napoli about the availability of Kalidou Koulibaly and a possible $52.5 million. The official line of the negativists is that this is a panic buy.
And now the news…
1: Arsenal ‘close’ to Wissam Ben Yedder signing
25-year-old Toulouse striker Wissam Ben Yedder. According to Canal+, Arsenal are paying in the region of £8m. He scored 70 goals for Toulouse in the past four seasons, including 23-goals last season.
The official line of the negativists is that they see this is as a gradual decline in ambition rather than a bid that has been there all the time. So it has to be written, “Having failed to get x Arsenal are now getting y”. And that’s an order.
2: Lyon confirm €35m offer for Alexandre Lacazette rejected
“The reality is that Arsenal made a €35m offer that Lyon did not follow up on” while stating that Lacazette is “irreplaceable” and a key “leader” and is irreplaceable. And he is irreplaceable. But Italian journalist Emanuele Giulianelli said Arsenal will only make a move for him if a deal for an ‘unnamed striker’ falls though. “Arsenal are working on a secret name, not yet revealed, and the recent trip to Germany of some club members could mean something.
According to the Daily Star, Arsenal have been ordered to pay £40m if they are to secure the signing of Alexandre Lacazette.
“What we know is when and if Arsenal realise that they won’t be able to take their first choice, they will take Lacazette. The budget ready for the striker plus the winger is about £100m.”
But wait, what’s this? Lacazette has given Arsenal a boost in their quest to sign him after he reportedly told his club, Lyon, that he wants to leave. And they thought he was irreplaceable eh?
The official line of the negativists is that Arsenal are too stingy to pay.
3: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang told German TV station ZDF that “only Real Madrid would be able to get me out of Dortmund”. This is a “blow” claim those who deal in “blows”. The official line of the negativists is that he name is far too long to be taken seriously.
4: Riyad Mahrez is ‘not bothered’ by Arsenal’s interest in him, according to Leicester City teammate Demarai Gray. The official line of the negativists is that Arsenal should have this player, as indeed they should buy every player and the failure so to do is a clear indicator that Arsenal is a failing team.
5: Marcelo Brozovic deal is stuck over price arguing claim those for whom every deal involving Arsenal is always stuck over price issues including of course Granit. Oh, no that’s not right. Arsenal contacted Inter Milan for the second time in an attempt in order to get Marcelo Brozovic for less than €30m according to the Mirror. The official line of the negativists is boring.
6: More players out
Takuma Asano (Japan), Serge Gnabry (Germany) and Joao Virginia (Portugal) have been called up for the festival of drugs – sorry the Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro. Although frustrating the news is good for Gnabry in that he looked to be moving back to his old form after being destroyed by West Bromwich Wildebeest last season. The official line of the negativists is that this is a player crisis and we will be relying on the under 12s for the opening game against Liverpool?
7: Spotted at the airport
Speculation fuelled by round the clock drinking and a hyperactive imagination have said that Mahrez was on board a plane to London after the Celtic Leicester game. The official line of the negativists is that airport spotting is silly, unless it is them watching Chelsea.
8: If it’s Wednesday it must be Barcelona
And in this case Arda Turan according to the Rabid Upholsterer. Sorry “The Sun”. Alexis Sanchez is acting as advocate general. But not, wait, what’s this?
Hopes of signing Barcelona’s Arda Turan look to have been dashed after the player’s agent revealed that the Turkey international is willing to fight for his place at the Nou Camp.
Oh dear. The official line of the negativists is too tedious to bother with.
9: Mauro Icardi again
Arsenal have emerged as 3/10 odds on favourites to sign Mauro Icardi from Inter Milan, ahead of others in a £50m move using Pickit Shifit and Dropit, the removal firm. The official line of the negativists is that this is not going to happen.
10: Hector Bellerin unsettled by Manchester City interest
Oh not he’s not. Anyway they’ve already got Bacary Sagna and Pablo Zabaleta at right-back. It’s a bit like Alice in Wonderland. They only do it to annoy because they know it teases. And because the drunken journalists fall for it every time. The official line of the negativists is that this is another player who we are going to lose through dithering.
11: The Unknown Mystery Man. Yes Honest It’s True
“Arsenal staff had a transfer meeting today & are plotting a big-name striker move” said Emanuele Giulianelli. “Keeping the name between a few of them. Contact to be made tomorrow as there is £50-60m ready to be spent on the player. This is not Carlos Bacca either.
“It’s just Wenger, Bould, Ivan Gazedis and the core staff who know the name.”
12: Arsenal are yet to make an offer to sign Gonzalo Higuain,
Oh no we’ve done that one.
13: Now the news from the Independent
Theo Walcott and Danny Welbeck are yet to recover from long standing injury problems.
No one told me Theo is injured. Oh, he’s not. Oooops. And yet that story turned up in the Indy twice. Bloody robots.
- Crisis already: all central defenders out, nobody to play anmore… or do we?
- Why are people so negative about Arsenal? The first answers.
- The Absolute Arsenal Transfer Index: 86 players we are signing, 21 players we are losing.
Untold Arsenal has published five books on Arsenal – all are available as paperback and three are now available on Kindle. The books are
- The Arsenal Yankee by Danny Karbassiyoon with a foreword by Arsene Wenger.
- Arsenal: the long sleep 1953 – 1970; a view from the terrace. By John Sowman with an introduction by Bob Wilson.
- Woolwich Arsenal: The club that changed football. By Tony Attwood, Andy Kelly and Mark Andrews.
- Making the Arsenal: a novel by Tony Attwood.
- The Crowd at Woolwich Arsenal by Mark Andrews.
You can find details of all five on our new Arsenal Books page
And once in
I mean if you can’t trust a newspaper journalist, who can you trust?
14: Arsenal could make a surprise move for Manchester City defender Jason Denayer as well as Borussia Dortmund’s Matthias Ginter. Except it wouldn’t be a surprise any more.
Wenger is said to have bid for Denayer last summer, but saw a £5m bid rejected
15: It’s snub time. First Vardy, now Mahrez snubs Arsenal
Riyad Mahrez will snub Arsenal and wants to remain at Leicester City for the forthcoming season, according to Claudio Ranieri.