By Sir Hardly Anyone
But first, before I get down to basics, since in order to write this column I am forced to look at the stuff the newspapers are producing, I wish to give you a spot of context, just so you know how difficult my job is. Here is a headline from the Metro…
The Church of Satan is distancing itself from Donald Trump
I rather liked that.
Anyway, on with the business. And the story at the end of every computer operators fingers is
1: Arsenal are in talks to sign Henry Onyekuru (Sky, the Sun, Mail, Mirror, Metro, Post, ESPN, Guardian, SportsMole etc etc etc)
Henry Onyekuru plays for the Belgian club K.A.S Eupen for whom he has played 57 times and scored 29 goals. Last season was Eupen’s first in the top division in Belgium and I am told the club is in the Germany speaking part of the country. Onyekuru was joint top scorer in the league, scoring 23 goals in 38 league games which is rather good.
As for the player he is 19 and has a release clause of £6.8 million and is a passionate Arsenal fan who has allegedly said he wants to play for the club. Of course other clubs are after him including Everton, Southampton, West Ham United and Middlesbrough.
2: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang. (Metro, Mirror, Sun, Telegraph, TalkSport, ESPN)
What we are finding with the bloggettas is that given they have no news they are no taking all their old transfer rumours and writing “he won’t be looking at any club not in the Champions League” which allows them to recycle their old rumours now saying that they won’t happen because of that added extra bit of news.
A new variant on this is that he might be tempted to Arsenal, but in order to overcome his distaste of a club that merely came fifth, he would want extra compensation for not being in the Champs. He plays for Borussia Dortmund and Gabon. According to those who know this stuff, he is known for his speed, running 30 metres in 3.7 seconds, and can play as a forward or a winger.
3: Chris Smalling. (Metro, Mirror, Express, Telegraph, ESPN, Sun, Independent, Star, Mail)
He plays for Man U and was born in our old stomping ground of Woolwich and the Express says that Mourinho is willing to let Smalling go to Arsenal. So that’s a done deal then.
4: Ross Barkley. (Metro, ESPN, Bleacher, Liverpool Echo, Sun, Express)
He’s 23, he’s an attacking midfielder and the stories were that he was going to Tottenham but apparently they have lost interest in the midfield player, and so Arsenal, who now are so very clearly trailing Tottenham in everything (on the basis that only the past season counts) might be able to pick up their left overs. The value is £50m, according to Everton.
In fact Tottenham were interested, but apparently have now said “nah, don’t fink so” or however it is they speak these days down the Lane.
5: Carlos Bacca (Star, Sun, Mirror, Talksport, Squawka, Hard Tackle)
He’s 30, he’s Colombian and he plays for Milan as a striker – although Seville (the club he was at before Milan) also fancy him one more time. He has scored 31 goals in 67 starts for Milan in the league, which is quite good for Italy.
6: Mario Lemina (Sun, Mirror, Metro, Standard, Star, Mirror (again), Bleacher)
According to all these papers, Arsenal are preparing a bid for Juventus midfielder Mario Lemina, and Mr Wenger has made him the prime midfield target this summer.
The report claims that has been likened to Manchester United’s Paul Pogba. He is a Gabonese international but not regularly playing for Juventus.
And those leaving
Remember that in this category last summer every single first team player was noted as leaving the club, but in far most of them didn’t. Quite extraordinary!
7: Theo Walcott (Express, Independent, Sky Sports, Ladbrokes, Telegraph)
The fee apparently will just be £20m, which seems a bit small to me.
8: Olivier Giroud (Sky, Metro, Express, Talk Sport, Mail, ESPN)
The reason Olivier is going is that he has refused to comment on the rumours that he is off to Marseilles because he only started 11 Premier League games last season – even though he scored 12 goals and got three assists, and came on as a sub 17 times and can do interesting goal celebrations in order to annoy the opposition who are then fooled into taking the kick off more quickly than they really wanted to.
Apparently this season Arsenal are ready to let him go. The only barrier is getting the fans to shout “SSSSSShhhhhhhzczęsny” every time he kicks the ball, and then not getting them arrested for spitting in public. Actually I wonder if anyone else can remember the signs that we used to have which said, “No Spitting”. Now that was a very long time ago.
10: Francis Coquelin (Standard, Squawka, Metro, Mirror, Telegraph, Sky Sports)
Interestingly this is one of the stories that some media outlets are actually denying. Those who say he is leaving say he is going to Valencia. Coquelin, you may recall, started playing for Arsenal aged 16 in 2008, and was particularly noted in one of those training camp games in Austria by… Untold Arsenal. For once we were right.
- Who did the most this season for Arsenal and how much did it cost?
- Now it’s over, how did our players out on loan do?
- Get out of our club, get out of our club, Stan Kroenke, get out of our club – and Ferguson weighs in with support!
- FA play the game of marginally considering one outrage to take attention away from its own chaos