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The absolutely definitive transfer forecast: Arsenal’s next signing will be one of this small group.

The ABSOLUTELY DEFINITIVE TRANSFER FORECAST……..Don McMahon

Over the last few weeks there has been a plethora, a veritable flood, nay a cataclysmic deluge of transfer speculations, myths, rumours, inventions, fantasies, prevarications and almost depraved dreams overflowing the fetid media sewers about Arsenal’s incoming and outgoing players.

I decided that I’d verify, using my well-honed and ever eager imagination to ferret out the truth behind these misguided fairy tales. After months of specious and circuitous research, I have finally been able to ascertain a smidgen of accurate facts about all the new players coming in and the entire deadwood leaving.

These facts I have ignored and choose rather to present an alternate reality, Yankee style.

First off, I read the Arsenalnews site and also the journals and I swiftly determined that certain players always reappear in their innumerable baseless articles. ¨Ahaha¨ I exclaimed. ¨Eureka,¨ I proclaimed. So here they are in all their mystery and glory:

1: The most often repeated name for our newest player is Fans Angry. Apparently he is a very combative, bellicose, minuscule attacker whose hyperbolic and exaggerated impact on the Arsenal will eventually bear fruit. Fans is from the island of Mora-Bora and is rarely seen anywhere, never mind in public. Venger got him at a bargain basement price. (2p anyone?)

2: Our next sure-fire transfer is none other than the well-known Flop Striker. Flop is neither Dutch nor Flemish but has English parents and Guernsey siblings. Being of mixed heritage, he is both brown and pure white, has 4 feet (or is 4 feet?)and supposedly will solve all our striker issues.  He will apparently be at home in Arsenal as he cannot speak any language but Guernsey…?

(I fear I must interject at this point Don since my family on my mother’s side has Guernsey heritage, and I am getting a little uneasy about where this is going – Tony)

(Incidentally the only language on the island other than English is now rather rare – Guernésiais, also known as Guernsey French; commonly known as “patois.   It is linked to Old Norse and is technically one of the langues d’oil.)

 

3: Not to be outdone, our newest recruit, the infamous Dealt Ablow, was seen at the bus depot trying to thumb a ride to the Emirates. Unfortunately he ended up getting a lift from a Spuds fan and neither has been seen in weeks. We can only hope this highly valued defender will escape the dungeons of WHL and show up for the Australian tour.

4: Now we get into the serious stuff. Venger has pulled off another coup by signing the likes of, and don’t hold your breath, Done Deal. Mr.Deal is valued at 2 Euros and comes from SepticBladdersfield United in the 27th division of the East Hampton Sunday League. What a catch!

5: We all need at least 25 new players according to everyone not in the know so our next candidate is none other than Ready Tohand, the ill-begotten son of ‘ Arry Redknappy. Ready is considered to be a certain golden boot winner IF he ever learns how to play football. Currently his best position is the missionary one, but once he gets the knack of kicking a ball he’ll be a shoe-in according to ‘ Arry’s dog.

6: Set Tosmash is our most enigmatic possible newbie but unfortunately he is still under a long-term contract in HRM’s prison system and with a potential release date in 2020, Venger has been reported to have said that he is one for the future, after all he came cheap.

7: Talks Collapse is one for the books, or should I say bookies. This febrile and easily bought diver has been booted out of every league and team he has had the misfortune to sign for. Talks loves outed and eagerly anticipated as being the missing piece to the Arsenal puzzle nobody’s ever seen. He cost a fiver and is well worth the wait apparently.

8:  I noticed, in my extensive and exhaustive research, that many of our rumoured incoming player’s first names were Ready or Ready To, as is my next jewel in the crown, a certain Mr.Ready To’Offer. I have been unable to discern his playing position, other than to state that he never seems to actually sign anything, never mind a contract. What a shame, since Arsene was seen on a beach somewhere chasing valiantly after this phantom recalcitrant….. Well there’s always next year.

9:  Bear with me please; we are coming to the most exciting nasty bits and pieces of this gratuitous exercise. We have a really spurious and fatuous bit of news to report, the famous centre-back, way,way back Mr.Set To Spurn has been seen walking away from Highbury with a determined, if not slightly unbalanced gait, in the presence of an estate agent and his FA lawyer Good Fornuttin.   What a coup this would be for Venger but we all know what will happen as he dithers fiddles and dallies while Rome burns.

10: Finally, dear UA loyalists and brave hangers-on, we come to the penultimate, gloriously irrelevant and inconceivable acquisition that we have all been dreaming about since watches were invented (by the Swiss?)! The undeniably magnificent midfield pairing of Knicking Aliving and Unfit Toweartheshirt have finally arrived in London’s underground and were seen boarding the tube at Covent Garden (maybe Heathrow?) with the clear intent of giving the aaa something to cheer about.

What a season we can look forward to! What glowing moments of pathos and bathos we supporters can enjoy as these fine young men (at least I think they’re men?) take to the bench decked out in their unzippable ponchos, bolstering the superb qualities already on offer there. COYG —2017 is ours!

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16 comments to The absolutely definitive transfer forecast: Arsenal’s next signing will be one of this small group.

  • Ben

    Always rated Knicking Aliving and Unfit Toweartheshirt

  • Nebsy

    This was hilarious! 🙂

  • SamuelAkinsolaAdebosin

    Sorry for my saying Don that I don’t get the point you’ve tried to get across in your article posting. Riddles and Jokes?

  • Leon

    My God Don, is this true?
    Next you’ll be telling us that the living outnumber the dead.

  • Laos gooner

    Must point out that the correct spelling of ‘Arrys love child is Ready To’And. The H not in common usage in Arry’s family.

  • Gideone

    @Laos gooner: Your fastidiuous dithering over a voiceless ‘H’ is enervating. Everybody (@Ben, Nebsy, SAA, Leon, etc) shift! Move aside: I need ample space to faint 😉 🙂 .

  • WalterBroeckx

    LOL that sure was un :-p

  • WalterBroeckx

    “f”un of course 🙂

  • Brickfields Gunners

    Nice work Don , now for one on the alledged and freigning hurt ‘ Arsenal ‘ fans that infest here.
    That ought to be a blast!
    And the bullshitters that Amy Laurence and Piers Morgan truly are .

  • omgarsenal

    Samuel…..NO, I’m deadly serious….this is all Absolutely true, I promise!

  • Nitram

    Well I have to confess I’m disappointed.

    Even though it seems that anybody who’s nobody isn’t arriving, at least not before they’ve left, I’ve yet to hear a word about the guy Wenger really needs not to arrive before he’s left, and that is of course ‘the dodgy zip, zipperupper’.

    It’s obvious Wenger has failed dismally, year in year out, to address this crucial part of his match day routine.

    I mean, how on earth can we expect him to organise a team if he cant even get his jacket zipped up?

  • Gord

    Congratulations to Alexis for becoming Chile’s all time leading scorer.

    I gather Chambers had a good game again for England. Most writers seem to prefer Holding, but Chambers has been the one playing more in this U-21 setup.

    UEFA released all-time Champions League standings. It’s horrible, Arsenal is only sixth.

    I can just hear it, “You don’t get a trophy for 6th”.

    http://www.uefa.com/uefachampionsleague/news/newsid=2436607.html

    Marca has a version of this with a Spanish focus.

    Manure in 4th, Chelsea 8th, Liverpool!!! in 14th.

  • Brickfields Gunners

    A play with words…

    A bicycle can’t stand alone, it is two tired

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    A dentist and a manicurist married – they fought tooth and nail.

    A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    Acupuncture: A jab well done.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all-right now.

    I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

    I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

    Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

    A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

    A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said “No change yet”.

    The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

    Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet SMELL and their noses RUN

    When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

  • Menace

    Brilliant Don. Swiss watch? never the watch was invented in Manchester by a famous timekeeper called Fergie.

  • omgarsenal

    I am preparing the next chapter in this ongoing sage…..stay tuned or whatever!

  • omgarsenal

    saga