By Sir Hardly Anyone, listening to football’s chatter, rumour, and mindless gibberish.
[First, apologies for the late publication of this article this morning. Tony went dancing last night, didn’t get back to the early hours, and failed to press the button for the 8am piece. The issue will be resolved with swords drawn at noon.]
Now, here we go…
Top midfielder finally confirmed to sign for Arsenal in next few days
Yes that is the story screaming its way from many of the spoof sites at the moment. The only problem is that we don’t know which top midfielder it is.
You see there are no less than three, or maybe four candidates, and one of them is a bit of a surprise. Here’s the first.
Done – Arsenal Completes Signing Of POWERFUL Midfielder, Gets Number 7 Shirt,
“Vlad Dragomir will be fast-tracked into the Arsenal first team according to a report in the Czech Republic.” shouts another.
And what happens to Tomas Rosicky I hear you cry, or I would if I were in the same room as you.
Of course the whole thing starts to become dubious when we find that the site reporting this is one of those distance telepathy sites that knows not just what you are thinking, but also the next guy and the next guy and…
“While fans were expecting the announcement of Petr Cech as the club’s first signing, they will nonetheless be pleased that the club are going on with the tradition of recruiting young blood to be moulded into world class players.”
So there you are you will be pleased. Got it? Anyone not pleased will be shot.
I should add however that other suggestions are that he is going into the academy and most certainly doesn’t have a first team squad number. It was a photoshopped picture.
So that is one midfielder done. Who is the second?
Arsenal set to sign English midfielder!
Blimey! According to the Daily Mail, Arsenal are willing to sign Aston Villa midfielder Fabian Delph for the next season.
Ah, “willing to”. Which in my understanding of life is one step down from “going to”.
Apparently because Schneiderlin is off to Man U we’ll have Delph. Or try this way of seeing things “Arsene Wenger thinks that Delph could replace Tomas Rosicky, who is keen to leave the club this summer. He is valued at £10m.” Which is not the same thing at all.
OK so we ain’t signing Schneiderlin after all. Let’s try some more
DONE DEAL: Arsenal Have SIGNED A World CLASS MASTER Piece Star!
That gets us nowhere. That piece turns out to be about a goalkeeper from Chelsea. Try again…
BREAKING NEWS: Expert FINALLY CONFIRM Amazing DM Will Join Arsenal
Arsenal’s hope of finally securing the services of long-time target have been boosted with fresh claims by The Sun’s Journalist.
(That’s a turn up – the Sun hiring journalists. I shall have to check that out). But here’s another…
According to the Metro, Arsenal are set to complete the signing of Southampton’s Morgan Schneiderlin.
Searching for clarity we move on to,,,
Arsenal could announce signing of £43m trio next week: Gunners in advanced talks to sign three quality players
Emirates Stadium side putting together squad that can mount genuine push for major honours.
OK so a “genuine push”. That winning the FA Cup twice in succession for the second time under the only manager ever to have achieved that twice, and being in a position to win the FA Cup three times running – all that was “a fake push for major honours” I suppose.
Anyway Petr Cech is the first of the three. (Incidentally some sites are saying that Ooooospina is not leaving after all).
Next up it is Faouzi Ghoulam (Napoli): £11m
The highly rated Algerian left-back is reportedly a player Arsene Wenger wants to bring in this summer. Ghoulam went to Naples last year but Rafa the Larger has left and Napoli ain’t in the Champs League so that’s that.
The third of course is Vidal.
Arsenal have been chasing the Serie A star for some months and by all accounts a fresh £21.2m bid is on the cards (according to our old mates the Daily Rewrite, sorry Telegraph).
The 28 year old is currently away on international duty and the presence of his national team colleague Alexis Sanchez at the Emirates Stadium is thought to be the driving force behind a move to bring the former Bayer Leverkusen man to North London.”
But wait, what’s this?
Arsenal’s LATEST Signing Is BETTER Than AMAZING Alexis Sanchez
Oh, it’s Cech.
But no, wait again …
DONE DEAL! Arsenal signed a five-year contract with world-class midfielder!
As the football expert and journalist Hernan Feler claims, Arsenal have signed a five-year contract with Juventus midfield star Arturo Vidal, who was linked with the departure from the Juventus Stadium this summer.
But no… but yes… but no…
LATEST: PERFECT Midfielder FINALLY Confirmed to Sign for Arsenal In Days
Arsenal are set to sign Morgan Schneiderlin this summer.
Arsenal are close to finally signing long time target with fresh reports of a deal to be completed next week.
Yes, you didn’t hear it here first…
Arsenal are set to steal Southampton star Morgan Schneiderlin.
But there are now stories of full backs too.
Athletic Bilbao want Monreal it seems, and think they can get him for a pittance. But…
It will not be easy for Athletic Bilbao to lure Monreal away from Arsenal, as Monreal’s contract with the Gunners is not set to expire until 2017.
Monreal has also said that he wants to sign a new deal with Arsenal, according to Metro.
“I have one more year on my contract, but I want to stay,” Monreal said on his current situation.
Seems to have all the makings of a non-story. But wait, what’s this…
ARSENAL LODGE £13M BID FOR ZENIT DEFENDER EZEQUIEL GARAY
TMW claims that Garay has been a long-term target for Manchester United.
United decided against making a move for him last summer when he moved to Russia for just £4m.
You pays your money and takes your choice.
Well, actually you don’t because Untold is free. But if you would like to contribute £5 to help pay for our banner which is going up in the Emirates for next season, there are details here.
If there is any truth in this report, no doubt the news from on high will be released from the Emirates on or after Wednesday July 1st when the Summer Transfer Window officially opens. 😉
No not swords! We’re gunners. It has to be pistols!!
Sir Hardly Anyone
You are not surely suggesting that”journalists” make-up stories. You cad sir!
There was me believing every word they wrote, mind you by now even I was beginning to wonder where we would put all the “new signings”
Most I had never heard of, playing for teams in some cases i had never heard of
While you are only allowed 11 players on the pitch at the same time ( I understand), the amount of players we were trying to buy would fill the old Stand.
My dreams have been shattered, next you will be telling me there is no tooth fairy or even worse that it is a Spurs fan
Please excuse me mentioning such a dastardly name on your blog !
P.s. How come it is only this blog which gets grown-up comments and analysis (apart from mine)
There must be an awful lot of lame brains out there who read (and believe) the other stuff
Please keep it up lads, if only to maintain our sanity
I love untold Arsenal, often involved in deep analysis in the scheme of things. Many thanks guys keep it up.
Those rumours you have republished can make one laughs. Infact, I laughed as I was reading through your posting. Transfer rumours have become the hot cakes which the MediaOnline are pushing out to us to buy and eat them. And majority of the so called hot cakes taste bad in our mouths as we try to eat it. We then pieces the cakes to see what ingredients were used to prepared them. But only to discovered that no trace of ingredients can be found in the cakes, save only the mere wheat flour, little chopped onions and the frying vegetable oil use to prepared them. Hehhh! We’ve been deceived. Of all the media Arsenal transfer rumours, only 2 or 3 transfers, I know to be certain – Ajayi was released and Cardiff FC have signed him. Petr Cech is looking like we’ve got him and report had had it that Arsenal have recently signed a 16 year old youngster from a Romania club. The rest of the stories including that of Vidal coming, is to wait to see if any will come true.
Those rumours you have republished can make one laugh. Infact, I laughed as I was reading through your posting. Transfer rumours have become the hot cakes which the MediaOnline are pushing out to us to buy and eat them. And majority of the so called hot cakes taste bad in our mouths as we try to eat it. We then pieces the cakes to see what ingredients were used to prepared them. But only to discovered that no trace of ingredients can be found in the cakes, save only the mere wheat flour, little chopped onions and the frying vegetable oil used to prepare them. Hehhh! We’ve been deceived. Of all the media Arsenal transfer rumours, only 2 or 3 transfers, I know to be certain – Ajayi was released and Cardiff FC have signed him. Petr Cech is looking like we’ve got him and report had had it that Arsenal have recently signed a 16 year old youngster from a Romania club. The rest of the stories including that of Vidal coming to us, are for us to wait to see if any may come true.
Samuel, please can you be sure only to send each comment through just once – most of yours seem to turn up twice.
Menace, pistols it is. 2pm today.
If I don’t post again, then Sir Hardley has won. I’m not quite sure what that will mean for Untold.
I shall (if I can) report back later
Not pistols but cannons. Anyway, the latest is that we have pulled out of the chase for the wooden car and manure have a clear run to purchase it.
Fear not Lord Attwood Hardy fires blanks!
Not to fear Tony , with all that dancing and jiving you’ve been doing , I’m sure you’ll be safe .
Along with that old coot using an old sawed off blunderbuss , and with his poor eyesight , no fears there !
But just in case watch how Neo dodged the bullets in The Matrix !
Or just remember all those Twister moves .
Personally, hope we sign that Theo chap, he looks a bit good
Maybe my wish wil come true, the Internet is telling me a triple of theo, Cech and one other, the most popular choice being Alexis Chilean mate with a bit of a driving problem.
What happened to the good old days, Mvilla, Capoue, et al…..