The transfer tale that you’ll never believe, and the only transfer column you can totally trust

With today’s guest publication: The Carrick Fergus Times

By Sir Hardly Anyone

One of the wonderful things we discovered last year in running this series on summer transfers was that an English paper (say the Daily Express) would quote the source of a story as being a Spanish newspaper.  Then if one went looking for that Spanish newspaper (armed of course with the statutory Spanish English dictionary) one would find that the paper was itself quoting the Express as the source.   It happened over and over again, so that in the end we gave up checking up on the sources because it was always a roundabout.

But still the newspapers position themselves as the only people who know what is going on inside football and the superior source, able to bring us mere mortals 97% untrue stories whilst retaining their own credibility.

And our claim to be trustworthy?  We always tell you the accuracy level is 3%.

For the bloggettas and the mass media that sponsors them, if transfers they predict don’t happen, that is the club’s fault for being so stupid and slow as not to follow their advice. These publications and their employees often seem to believe that the words that they publish are true because they say them, and anything they don’t comment on is irrelevant or untrue.   Indeed even when they are caught out either telling utter untruths or just utterly misleading us regular people who happen to support a football team, we’re the ones making it up!

So with that in mind, off we jolly well go…

Part One – coaching

1: Jens Lehmann,

Now this is new in the last few days.   The only man in the last 100 years to play every single match in a top division league season and remain unbeaten is “set to” return to Arsenal to work alongside the existing goalkeeping coach.  It is an interesting idea since Mr Wenger said at one stage in what seemed an occasionally frosty relationship with Lehmann that “Jens is lucky, he knows he is always right.”

Part Two – Outgoing players

2: The Ox to Liverpool

It’s a story that has been around since the sinking of Titanic, and it just won’t go away but, that doesn’t mean it is going to happen.   Certainly last season at this time we had a lot of these stories – but I think who leaves primarily depends on what transfers inwards, actually happen.  But we do have to lose one player for every newcomer to make the “25” fit – and even then we don’t have room for any of the players who are moving up from the under 21s.

3: Yaya Sanogo

Sanogo has actually been released by Arsenal, and so he’s not really a transfer out, but it has been recorded by ESPN that Toulouse are considering a move.  Obviously that will be a private affair between him and them.

4: Theo to West Ham

Now this is interesting because what we have here is the notion of the Commentatura researching make believe reports by the Commentariat.  Maybe they have been reading Untold and have realised that the Daily Mirror actually just claimed that West Ham ought to try and get him, not that he was actually going to go.

But if we are going to start unravelling stories, we’ll soon find nothing is true.  And as proof, look at this:

5: Oliver Giroud may not being going to West Ham either!

Well what can I say.  It’s as if Donald Trump has got hold of a Twitter account and is just making it up as he goes along.

Oh.

Anyway, let’s have a laugh.  This is an actual quote

“Tottenham have already finished above Arsenal, Liverpool & Manchester United before the season starts.”

Yep.  It’s the kit.  Apparently.

6:  All our goalkeepers are leaving which is why we need to buy another one.

From the paper that read Wee Donald’s tweets and thought they were the truth rather than the ravings of a degranged demagogue, ie the Sun on Sunday, comes the report that “Fenerbahce are eyeing current number two Ospina, while Juventus are keeping track of Szczesny following his two-year loan stint at Roma.   As for Martinez, Spanish side Valencia are believed to be admirers of the shot-stopper, who has been an Arsenal player since 2010 when he joined the youth academy from Independiente.”

Yep all three backup keepers are going because Arsenal are too silly to be able to realise that they need someone between the sticks.  So they are now being forced to buy Rob Green from Leeds.

Anyway Szczesny has posted a farewell message on Instagram, although he is probably bidding farewell to AS Roma not Arsenal, saying he will always be grateful to the club and its fans for the experience.

7: Gibbs

We are told by the Mail (at least I think it was, but I didn’t pick it up as I didn’t want to make my hands dirty) that the asking price lowered from £15 to £8m, that Gibbs’ wage demands are also an obstacle and that Watford, Stoke and Brighton have an interest.

Part Three: The loanee who is joining the first team this year

8: Kelechi Nwakali

The story is that Kelechi Nwakali is training with Arsenal’s first team.  He has played in the under 17 world cup in 2015 as captain of Nigeria, and last season played 29 times for Maastricht on loan.   This doesn’t actually mean he is in the first team squad – but rather the club is, as always, using these days at the start of training when there isn’t a plethora of players available, to watch the youngsters in training alongside whichever non-international players are training at the same time.

9:  Arsenal’s chances of signing Thomas Lemar may have received a blow…

as the player’s father wants him to say in France.    Now isn’t it rather strange that M Lemar didn’t say this before, rather than letting all of us get over excited.   And yes we have just found that Lemar’s entourage feel he has a greater chance of making France’s World Cup squad if he remains at Monaco.

But oh what is this?  Lemar would like to work under Arsene Wenger.

Well!

And I say again, “Well.”

12:  From the Harrow Times

Harrow Borough sign former Arsenal defender Arinse Uade.   I thought you would like to know.

13:  Sean O’Connor.

Former Arsenal defender Sean O’Connor has been offered to Newcastle on free transfer as Rafa Benitez looks to strengthen squad.

Part the next: not coming

14: Defender Dalbert would prefer to join Inter Milan instead of Arsenal.

The Brazilian has informed his current club that he wants to leave this summer after learning of the growing interest in his services.

And that, wrapping it all up, is from Talk Sprout which is by and large what most of the media has been doing for years.

There are no more parts but there are some recent posts

 

• Lacazette: does this statistic show that Arsenal are getting the wrong man?
• Alexis Sanchez was the second worst player in the league for losing the ball last season
• Are Arsenal lagging behind all other clubs once again this summer?

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