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October 2016
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Guest column of the day. A Mr “Darren”. A Man U fan.

Darren speaks…

I came on here the other week and started reading what you cockneys had to say about us when you came up to Old Trafford.

Me names Darren, I come from Oldham, and I support Man U,I don’t get much to the games, but see myself as a kind of armchair fan.

Ive got that Man U TV.  Me favourite is beef and onion crispy pancakes, beans and chips and then to off watch ManU in the pub unless I’m somewhere else.

I hate Arsenal.I mean even the names crap, what the hell does it mean, Arsenal?   Who do you think you lot are?  What’s the matter with you cockneys?

Ive never been to London, too many scousers down there on the make from what Ive heard.  And southerners, Ive seen it all on Eastenders its all “Gaw blimey”.

I went on holiday to Magaluf though with me mates Tegs and Manny.It were dead great, except Mannys a tw*t from Bury and follows City. Cant say I like Manchester that much, its full posh bars and students these days, at least that what I see from the evening news.

Best for me is going round me Grans house when Coronation street’s on and when shes off in the bog during the commercials I sneak a few quid from her purse, I mean it wont hurt no-one right?- any case she’ll soon be dead, so better to grab what you can while you can, that my motto.

When she was a lass a few years after the war she had some German lover,some ex-POW who stayed on,so we call her Granny Furter. She a right laugh. She hates you cockney bastards too. She met Sir Alex once and Lou Macari and she’s met that Bruce Forsythe.

She used to have a picture on Norman Whiteside up her room along with the Busby Babes.I went in there once looking for some cash, it smelt all musty there was even a potty under the bed, it was hanging but I said naught.

Granny Furters got Man U TV too.

Here, how comes you lot calls us Manure? Cheeky beggars! And you lot are the Arse! Anyway, I came on here to say what bunch of soft whinging whiners you lot are! Cant sing to save your lives, cant beat us neither. I hope you lot lose the final, you don’t deserve to be there. If Uncle Mike was reffing then we would have won it at Old Trafford, and you know it.

Van Purseys been a waste of money since you lot cast him off, you had us on that one. That Wengers a right crafty wing nut. I bet you lot cant beat Villa, you could hardly beat Hull. I hate them Yorkies too. And scousers.

But I hate Arsenal the most, know what mean?I mean, who do you lot think you are?Vieira to Giggs that’s all I can say.You lot are a load of suits, fir coats and no knickers as Granny Furter would say, full of yourselves, posh folk who like golf and vegetarian bacon and them weak Italian beers like Sol. Mind you I like a pint of Becks every now and then, its right bob-on.

I seen you lot, half of you hate the team and the other half are a bunch of soft gets what sort of support is that? Always moaning. French manager too.

I went to France once, Dad, me and Mam took me niece to that Euro-Disneyland, it did me head in, but we stopped off in a motorway cafe and the coffee it were right strong. I prefer Granny Furters cup of mellow birds- proper coffee that is. Mellow birds with home made supermarket cake nothing like it except when United are playing in mid- week against some foreign euro outfit and then its me Granny eating rag pie and chips for supper. You posh cockneys dont know what that is do you?

How come you lot think that your new stadium is great? Not as good as ours, and how come you call our stadium Old Toilet! Cheeky gets. And you lot always leave early- cant be mithered with your team? Typical southerners!  And what this banner you lot are making “Wenger stadium”.Half you lot will get the hump about that though, you cockneys cant even stick together like us northerners.

Mind you he is good that Wenger. Not as good as Sir Alex though.I mean when was the last time you won the league? I mean Sir Alex was right Wenger knows nothing about football and should keep his opinions on Japanese football. I didn’t even know there a league in Japan until Sir Alex said so. I always thought Japan was some tw*t band that wore make-up that my older sister liked. Crap music that were too.

Anyway Granny Furter will be cheering on Villa for the cup, I hope you cockneys lose. I’ll be down the pub though with Manny and Tegs watching it. You wait till next season.

Untold welcomes serious and significant comment from supporters of all clubs.  

The books


32 comments to Guest column of the day. A Mr “Darren”. A Man U fan.

  • UnseenBlade

    Why has this article even been posted?

  • andy bishop

    Its hilarious

  • WalterBroeckx

    I think he is a relative from Dial Square Dave. 😉

  • Gf60

    Holy shite. He probably has the vote and will be allowed to breed which makes it more scary.

  • Andy Mack

    I think it’s supposed to be funny……
    I guess we all have different ideas of ‘funny’.

  • TailGunner

    This is the most unnecessary article I’ve ever seen on untold
    What actually is the message here?

  • robl

    Got to say I just find it offensive.

  • Confucius

    Confucius say; Editor on holiday!

  • BNG

    Everybody speaks like this in Guildford

  • nicky

    Ever since my School was evacuated to Oldham in 1940, I’ve always said that the folk there were the salt of the earth.
    But there’s always one…..

  • Pete

    I’m assuming this is a wind-up spoof article…

  • Gord

    I’m assuming this isn’t an article. Nor are the Dial Square Dave things.

    Kenneth seems to be real. He knows something about typesetting.

  • It’s a bit of fun , my word some of you are so uptight , RELAX !

  • TailGunner

    I doubt that anyone takes it seriously, but it’s so utterly pointless and ridiculous and not at al humorous

  • Eric

    Well it left me in stitches
    Still hate manure though…
    And Monsieur Wenger >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> fergie

  • omgarsenal

    Sorry fellow UA Gooners but this has to be seen in the hilarious context Tony intended. Half of the references I don’t understand, not being Cockney nor for that matter British and all but the other half made me laugh out loud!
    I do have a few questions for Darren though:

    1)Who doesn’t know what an arsenal is? Even the Spuds can tell you where the name came from.

    2)Being ‘off in the bog’ means in the loo? I gather you’ve haven’t been there in a few years from the content of your article…

    3)Apparently we call your United manure because that’s the shit one spreads on Manchester streets to improve the overall smell….true?

    4)What IS rag pie anyway… it actually made from soiled rags?

    5)We call your stadium Old Toilet because it is very old,decrepit and chock full of people like you. It is also where the worst shit goes down; from officiating to ignorant Mancunians and some awful football as well…things we normally find in toilets…true?

    All in all a very amusing article whose pointlessness and vulgarity is exceeded only by its inelegant Mancunian slang and perfect reflection of the typical United supporter.

  • Gord


    Being off in the bog could be complicated. For a big chunk of history, I think the only source of metallic iron (ignoring iron from meteorites) in the UK (or Europe for that matter) was from bogs.

    I am going to guess that “rag pie” has something to do with menstruation.

  • Micheal Ram

    Man, if this is how people from the North speaks, I’m never gonna show my face there!

  • Brickfields Gunners

    His granny was married to the legendary Bert Trautmann ? No wonder he hates Man Shitty so much !
    Your typical Mancunian ray of sunshine – trying to rainon our parade – ain’t gonna work here, laddie ! You lot deserved Van Prissy all right !

  • Brickfields Gunners

    While we warm up and gang up in bashing the ManUre ‘fan’ on here , here’s more jokes about their ilk.

  • apo Armani

    hahahahahahahahaha excellent!!!

  • gouresh

    I found it really humours. Quite well written

  • Menace

    Nice to hear from you Dazza. Are you still on the 1 times table?

    Enjoy your gravy on your chips ’cause nothing else will please you.

  • goonersince72

    Hilarious Tony! Please do a Liverpool fan – I need to brush up on my Scouse.

  • jake

    enjoyed the article but the jokes (thanks brickfield) were funnier

  • This is hilarious and I think good banter. Please Tony, more of this from rival fans please!

    “If Uncle Mike was reffing then we would have won it at Old Trafford, and you know it.”

    What else do you need to know that Darren was just having a good laugh?

    As for me, I thoroughly enjoyed it (probably because I have been stuck with footy fans like Darren since late last year).

  • para

    I get the attempt at humour but i cannot distinguish if it is English humour, North humour, South humour or British humour and that after me living here for so long. Mind you when you all came with your different speak and split the country up it was bad cos of all the wars up and down the country that that caused, any way there’s peace now. At least i think so.

  • Dec

    Perhaps stick to the day job and forget the career in comedy.
    I was always told that if I’ve nothing good to say about something then it’s best to say nothing. So regarding this effort, eh……………………

  • Al

    I too thought this was hilarious.

  • Too many comments on this thread serve as nothing but vindication of Darren’s stereotyping of Arsenal fans. You are making us look like the ‘soft bunch’ that he called us. The guy is clearly trying to wind us up but I think it is so obvious we shouldn’t be offended but take it as the blatant attempt to ruffle our feathers that it is.

    Even if I was going to be mad at him, his mere admission of the fact that “Uncle Mike” would have ensured their victory in the quarters is all I need to let the guy off. Somehow, I respect this more than a rival fan sucking up with an article that he thinks us Gooners are going to like.

    Agree or disagree with Darren but I respect his attempt and I thank Tony for again proving that it is not only the articles of pro-Untold/Wenger writers that he publishes.

  • Ha ha ha ha ha no wonder he comes from oldtoilet@omgarsenal nice answers to such a troll he smokes ganja and smells like the potty his gran puts under her bed.Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,i just loved that piece it made laugh .